Is my daughter going to grow up to hate me?

[Guest fostermommyof1]

Well, she doesn't seem to hate me now, but she's 9 and hasn't hit the teenage years yet! I am a single adoptive mother, and have had her with me for about a year and a half. Our schedule is packed, and I have to admit, I run a tight ship! I worry that I am asking too much of her. A year ago, she was in third grade and reading at a K level, and now she is in 4th grade and reading like a 4th grader. Her self esteem has sky rocketed. She's a happier kid. But, I put so much energy into bringing her up to speed this past year, I worry that I am being an overbearing parent. To illustrate, our daily schedule, during the week, is something like this. (I am a teacher, which is why I must work the long hours.)

 

5:30am - I wake up, get myself ready, have my coffee, etc.

6:00am - Wake up DD, make sure she gets ready

6:15am - We eat a quick breakfast together

6:30am - DD practices piano for 15 minutes; we go over math facts and her spelling words

7:00am - We are out the door

7:30am - DD is school (before care, school, and after care) while I work

5:45pm - I pick up, we drive home, she finishes homework and plays till dinner

6:30pm - We eat

7:00pm - DD ready for bed

7:30pm - Reading together

8:30pm - DD's bedtime / I work on lesson plans and then go to sleep and get ready to do it all over again!

 

Is this too much for her? Is there something you would change? The weekends are a lot more relaxed, although I keep the bedtime in place. If there are any other single parents out there, what is your schedule like?

Edited October 24, 2010 by fostermommyof1
typo :)

[TracyR]

Not if she is happy right now. But if you notice her attitude changing then its time to change what you are doing.

[fairytalemama]

I'm not a single mom, but I know a lot of single parents that are in the same boat as you.

 

Looking at your schedule, it seems fine. And like the previous poster said, as long as she's happy and you're happy, then don't worry.

 

Is there something in particular that makes you concerned that you're pushing her too hard or is it just that your schedule is so full?

[MBM]

I think you are doing a fantastic job. Your daughter is probably aware that you are having her do extra work out of love, and as a result of her and your efforts, learning in school is becoming interesting and rewarding. As long as you don't notice signs of stress, and you permit her to talk to you honestly about how she feels, she will be okay and probably thrive. It sounds like you are on that road already. :)

 

As a sidenote, for an adopted child who might have questions about why she was adopted, you might want to look through Martin Seligman's book The Optimistic Child if you haven't already. He teaches a process children can use to develop a realistic, positive, can-do explanatory style (thoughts about situations in life and messages they hear from others). The long-term results of this experiment -- the Penn State (Depression) Prevention Program -- have been remarkable. You could even use it with your classroom students.

 

Keep up the good work!

[Starr]

I don't know what you could really change. I think she'll love you. :D

[YourFidgetyFriend]

I think your schedule is perfect. It actually seems pretty relaxed and you appear to spend a lot of time together outside of school/work.

 

I'm a single mother and our day is pretty similar, except my daughter goes to bed later and wakes up later and also has ballet 1x per week. We don't have to do any before school work because my DD is younger.

[Guest fostermommyof1]

Thank you everyone for your replies! I am feeling a little less mean now :).

 

I guess my concern is not that I push her too hard, but that the schedule is so packed. Mine was nothing like it at that age. And when I say she is happy, well ... there are some things she's not happy about. She's not happy about going to bed so early and waking up so early. I tell her, neither am I :tongue_smilie:. She's not happy about being in school so long, and she's not happy when I tell her that she needs to get her homework finished in after care if she wants any free time when she gets home. She also makes sure to remind me that she would prefer to watch TV than to read at night. I guess, in this situation, it's hard to decipher the normal childhood whining from a day that is truly too structured for a 9 year old. She's much happier and healthier than she once was, though. There's no doubt about that.

 

I wish I could do more formal after schooling with her. I think it's exciting that she is on grade level now, and we could start to do things that are above and beyond what she is learning in PS. Looking around on this board has given me lots of great ideas! But, oh well, maybe in the summer we can do more :/.

 

It's hard to say what my question is, because on the one hand I would like her to be able to relax a little more, and on the other hand I would like to do even more than we're already doing! LOL

[rootsnwings]

I think it sounds like a great schedule. I was a single working mommy for a little while (NOT with a child in school) and it is SUCH a stressful place to be in, wondering if you're doing the right thing(s), spending enough time with them, etc. It just goes along with the working mommy guilt and is normal, I promise!!! I know I push my son (also 9 & 4th gr) above & beyond what I know he's capable of because I see his potential. He has come to appreciate the fact that I have so much faith in him, eduationally. It gives him a goal to reach & a challenge to accomplish! It's very motivating for him now bit it has NOT always been that way!!! Just keep sticking it out and asking of her what you know she is capable of accomplishing & she will continue to thrive! That's where that self esteem is coming from now & it will only increase if she feels like someone has faith in her.

 

(((hugs)))

[emonline]

I think your schedule looks entirely workable. I know, however, with my daughter TV suddenly became a big issue. At first I said there was no time during the week, but the I found out all the girls in her class were watching Dancing With the Stars, and then talking about it a lot at school. My daughter was feeling totally left out! I decided that, if she had all her homework and other "work" finished, I would let her watch. I cannot tell you how happy it has made her to be able to be a part of the next day discussions. You might want to see if anything similar is going on.

[talexand]

Our mornings are much the same. I don't work but the bus schedule makes us very early.

 

5:45 I wake up

6:00 wake the kids up

middle ds wakes up quickly, practices piano right away

dd takes a while to get dressed

oldest ds helps me in the kitchen, he goes to school later after some morning hsing

I make lunches, make sure the kids eat, make sure they have everything they need

6:40 off to catch the bus

 

They have an 8:30 bedtime because of the early rising. I like your hour of reading together. We have too many late afternoon/evening activities. It makes our evenings feel very busy and we are always catching up.

[LibraryLover]

I think your schedule looks fine. It's a busy & long day, but there is nothing inherently wrong with that. I'd just check in with yourself, on an emotional level. Are you making time to have fun together? To be in the moment, to be present. Do you get to laugh together? I might snuggle up in bed with the laptop with her and watch a show or two that you both might enjoy if TV is something she misses from her past.

 

My kids and I often do that. We tend to like funny shows and it's nice to relax together and laugh. Who knows what connections are made when you're simply snuggled together in peace, without demands.

[regentrude]

the only thing that I personally would change if it was my schedule:

Do you need the half hour of schooling (piano, spelling and math) before school? If the child is in school all day long, I would consider getting up a bit later, or having a more relaxed morning routine.

(Of course, if she is alert and waking by herself and happy doing these things, That's fine)