How do I teach my kids to be more independent?

[Quiver0f10]

It has come to my realization that my kids depend on me too much. I think a lot of it has come from my controlling personality and I know I need to stop DOING for them and work on my personality flaw. In the meantime my older kids (and DH) are lost without me doing everything for them; from making a simple desicion to applying for college etc.

 

I know someone is going to say just don't do stuff for any of them LOL, but then I will have a house full of adults with no education and who can't decide what time they should leave for work each day :D

 

So, how do I teach them independence? How do I undo the damage that is done?

 

Thanks!

[Anne/Ankara]

I've always thought that you can accomplish almost anything with baby-steps-- each day, a little more. For instance, this was the first year that we had to get going in the morning at a decent hour, so in the beginning of the semester I set the alarm and woke the kids, (repeatedly!), then I began to tell them they only get one "wake-up" from me (limiting the reminders), and soon (hopefully!), they will manage their own alarm clocks.

 

This is an example for a 12 and 13 year old... but it should work for any age... I guess I try to be clear about what the goal or responsibility is, and how that goal can be achieved by the person himself, and set up a period of time to shift over the responsibility to that person (allowing some room for failure so that it is clear who will now be in charge of that task).

 

I think it's important not to take on all the responsibility for making everything work smoothly, so that things can run well in your absence. Just an idea!

[JFSinIL]

with so many folks in the house, and YOU being the "central brain" who mentally knows who needs to do what, when (etc.) to relinquish any of that control - as, for a time at least - chaos WILL occur. Introduce the older kids/hubby to the big calender (s - may need more than one) to write down app'ts, etc. and alarm clocks. Let them know THEY are in control of x,y,z from now on.

 

Then But - as long as the main breadwinner has clean socks and gets to work on time, school gets done and kids are fed - don't try and be the "central brain" anymore. Let chaos reign for a time. They will learn. For example -if someone misses a deadline for applying to college - then they get to find a job, pay some rent to ya'all, and apply again next year. Or if a younger kid "forgets" to do a week's math - gee, guess they don't get to go outdoors until it is done and shown to you (w/o your asking for it.) Think of it this way - you are teaching "life lessons".

 

 

Ok, easier said than done. my oldest are only 16. See if I follow my own advice in a few years! :D

[MicheleinMN]

I do have 3 grown step-daughters that I had the privilege of helping raise, so I do have a little experience. :)

 

Start with making lists and using a calendar to keep track of appts. Then have them make the lists and schedule their appts. Same thing for budgeting money/bills/expenses. I also do too much for my dh and older dc, but we're making progress.

 

HTH,

Michele

[Lisa at Home]

I have been concerned for my 8yo ds lately. My daughter, almost 13, was so much more independant at his age, and I've been kind of fretting about it lately. He's not nearly as mature at this age as she was. I'm hoping it's just because he's a boy.

 

I'll be watching!

 

Best wishes,

 

~Lisa

[Quiver0f10]

I guess the hardest would be letting them fail? I say I wont do XYZ and then when they don't do it, I jump in and save the day. Do I really not send in their college application or file their taxes? I know it's the right thing to do, but the mom in me is screaming at the thought!

[Twinmom]

You might try looking at the Flylady site and her suggestions for making lists for the "flybabies." Get a nice list organized for everyone (as detailed as you feel is necessary/appropriate), pass them out, and then say something like,

 

"I have realized I've been doing you a disservice by taking care of everything for you, and I've decided to change my ways! You are now required to take care of x, y and z by yourselves. If you do not do those things, they will not get done and you will need to live with the consequences. I am here to advise you if need be, but I will not remind you nor do these things for you."

 

Afterwards, STICK TO YOUR GUNS! Then, when a "natural" consequence arrives (say, someone doesn't do laundry), let it stick (they wear dirty clothes) and say,

 

"Oh, I'm so sorry you didn't do your laundry and your shirt has ketchup on it! Perhaps next time, you'll remember to do laundry on your day!"

 

or, if they don't do their schoolwork,

 

"Oh, I'm so sorry you didn't feel like finishing your assignments today and will not be able to do x, y, z activity! Perhaps next time you'll remember not to dawdle!"

 

Works for my family (DH, too!! ;))! And, YES, if they don't do their college application, it is their own fault! Best learn that kind of lesson now rather than at school! Best of luck to you.

[Kris]

I guess the hardest would be letting them fail? I say I wont do XYZ and then when they don't do it, I jump in and save the day. Do I really not send in their college application or file their taxes? I know it's the right thing to do, but the mom in me is screaming at the thought!

 

I definitely hear you, but that's exactly what you have to do. Basically, don't lie to them. If you say you won't do it, don't. Personally, I don't think you are really doing them any favors (but I don't know your family), though it might seem like it now. I mean, really, if they can't or won't do their taxes or the college application, are they really ready for college yet? I mean, you can't go to college with them and take care of them there, too can you?

 

On the other hand, some families do just fine just the way you're going right now. And I don't mean that sarcastically.

 

Just ask yourself -- do I still want to be doing all this stuff for them five years from now? If the answer is yes, that's one thing. If the answer is no, I'd start changing things now. :-)

 

Good luck!

[klmama]

I know there are Love and Logic books for many different age groups. They are very helpful to parents who want to help their kids to take responsibilty for their own actions and to accept the consequences for not doing so. Hmmm... I think I need to check one out again! :)

[Quiver0f10]

Well I need to pray about it and make some sort of plan to get tough with them. I know I need to sit down and have a talk with them all and explain what I am going to and not going to be doing. Pray for me as we transition into this. It's not going to be fun.

[Danestress]

I guess the hardest would be letting them fail? I say I wont do XYZ and then when they don't do it, I jump in and save the day. Do I really not send in their college application or file their taxes? I know it's the right thing to do, but the mom in me is screaming at the thought!

 

Yeah, pretty much. Unless your child has some special challenges that make it really especially difficult for him to do those things without a lot of assistance. But I do think you have to make them understand that you have noticed a problem and are making a change. If they assume you will do these things for them based on your past behavior, you don't want to just stop and let them find out on their own. I think you have to sit down with each individual and talk to them about the things that are coming up and what you expect their role and yours to be. I

 

did NOT send in my child's application for college. And to tell you the truth, I really thought he might not do it himself either, and they we would be in a bind - he, not we. But I made it clear I would write the application check and would read a finished application for editing typos, that I would take him to visit colleges and answer questions he had, but that I would NOT do the application. I wouldn't even touch it until it was done, and I wouldn't remind him. I just didn't want to fight that battle, you know?

 

I was really invested in my oldest child doing well for a long time, and then one day I realized I wasn't helping him out at all. His father was the same. We finally told him that we had both gone to college and loved it. We both have graduate degrees, we both have the ability to earn a living, and what he does with his life is his deal - we've done it. It was a major GOOD change in our lives. But DH is a big believer (and we've not always agreed on this, but I see his point) in a "18 and out" rule. Meaning, DH will support a child through highschool. And he will help with college. And he'd probably help with a non-college oriented choice if it were well formed. But at 18, you won't be living here anymore. You will live in a dorm or an apartment or something, but not here. And if you aren't a full time student, it will be on your dime.

[LG Gone Wild]

Well I need to pray about it and make some sort of plan to get tough with them. I know I need to sit down and have a talk with them all and explain what I am going to and not going to be doing. Pray for me as we transition into this. It's not going to be fun.

 

You know, I am sure that some would feel quite relieved and proud of themselves to be able to care of their own business. Sometimes people put off launching into indepedence because they are afraid and really don't know what to do. They are plagued with "What if I make a mistake?" OR "What happens if something unexpected happens?"

 

I would start with a minor thing for each person's journey into independence, say bathing a sibling or organizing a checkbook. Master that task and move on to greater things.

[pixelroper]

Yeah, pretty much. Unless your child has some special challenges that make it really especially difficult for him to do those things without a lot of assistance.

:iagree:

FWIW... This question got me thinking. My parents excelled at this and I've been sitting here wracking my brain to pinpoint what exactly they did to raise 4 independent children. I almost called my mom to ask her, but I know I'd get a vague answer. I've thought of this lately as I have an only child and technically its often easier to do it myself (I know someone knows what I mean) and I'm forever catching myself. From my observations (& my own tendencies) this is hard for parents. My parents (wisely, I think now) never pushed sports, college, hobbies, lessons-- nothing. If I wanted to do something, I had to do it. So when it was our (us kids) idea or passion, we had to beg, plead, and promise for it to get anywhere. When they finally agreed to grant our "wish" we were so committed, they didn't have anything to do. Had we decided to not do anything, they wouldn't have said a word (as long as we did our chores & had manners). In some cases we fell flat & lost interest, they didn't blink (I'm sure it affected them). Despite their hands off approach, all us were very involved in activities we really wanted to do.

 

The hard part is, as parents we want so much for our dc that often it is our idea not the dc's. Then it becomes our responsibility to keep the ball rolling and the dc on target. There is no motivation for them to "own" their future.

 

Other than these thoughts I'm afraid I really have no idea how to "break the pattern." Maybe point out that you are only "one" and can't possibly micromanage everyone any longer?

[fishnoises]

My m-i-l is great at freaking out if the kids don't wear hats and coats if it's cold outside. (Even in the middle of July.) I try to reason with her that A)It seems much colder to her as she feels the cold more than everyone else. B) If they feel cold they will complain and maybe remember to bring a jacket next time.

My DH is a wonderful provider. We are blessed that he makes enough money that I can stay home to homeschool. BUT, he is terrible at making decisions and is very dependant on me to run things around here. He went from living at home to be married to me. I do believe his mom made most of the decisions in his house growing up and she is still doing it with his dad. (And wants regular reports of all of her children and grandchildren's affairs!)

You can guess that it was very different in my house growing up!!!! I applied to colleges on my own and filled in the applications. They signed the checks. Oddly enough that sounds very similiar to how we run things in my house now! (I make the decisions on food, clothes and curriculums and my husband pays the bills..) Anyway, I am somewhat of a control freak, but I do encourage my kids to make wise choices, within controlled environment. For example, I don't let them eat what ever they want whenver they want or where whatever they want etc. etc. But I do let them know of the consequences of there decisions and follow through.

"If you don't et your dinner, you don't get a treat..." kind of a thing. If you don't finish this math lesson within this amount of time, then you don't get to play with the neighbor friend later...

My kids make mistakes. They learn from them. It is ok to make mistakes. Learning how to make decisions is a HUGE lesson. Many adults struggle with this! (Especially perfectionists!)

Learning to be independant is a learning process!!!!! Our job is to make sure they are safe and are not hurting others. And also to catch them when they fall. (But not to type their papers for them!!!!)

[Quiver0f10]

I think a lot of it stems from DH and I both being very independent and strong willed. I had my first job at 12 and worked right through highschool. During my junior and senior years I held two jobs. Both Dh and I moved out of our houses at 16 ( me) and 17(dh) and I was married at 18 and a mother by the time I was 20.

 

DH and I talked last night and I am going to work on schedules for the kids and then we are going to have a family talk. I am going to let them know that I am not reminding them to eat, breath, do school, etc from now on. And I am going to give them consequences and stick with it. This is going to be VERY hard for me to do, but it's in their best interest to do so. I will be here to help if asked, but I wont do it for them anymore.

[Kris]

Congratulations on your resolve. I'm sure everything will work out.