Helping a child who doesn't want to work for anything!

[k2bdeutmeyer]

We are on our first week of homeschooling, and DD and I are both loving it. It was actually her choice to get started right away. I offered to take a week or so off to "de-school", but she wanted to start.

 

Anyway...I'm already seeing a common theme in her work. She is very advanced (part of why I pulled her out of ps - she was extremely bored), and eats up a challenge, BUT.......she is quick to give up.

 

She is soooo used to everything being easy and right in front of her face that she shuts down and refuses to think through things to get to an answer. I try to talk her through the problem, but she is soooo focused on proving to me that it doesn't make any sense that she ends up just throwing a fit instead of listening and getting it (because I know she would if she just thought through it).

 

Eventually she calms down and listens for understanding and usually gets it pretty quickly. I'm just not sure how to help her get through this. Anybody ever been through something similar? Any tricks to help her learn to just stay calm and think it through before getting all worked up and shutting down because the answer isn't obvious?

 

Thanks!

[Joanne]

I offered to take a week or so off to "de-school", but she wanted to start.

 

You are the parent *and* teacher an in charge. I'd encourage you to setting it up to where she has so much power. There are reasons identified why deschooling is helpful.

 

How old is she?

[k2bdeutmeyer]

She'll be 10 in April.

[myfunnybunch]

Eventually she calms down and listens for understanding and usually gets it pretty quickly. I'm just not sure how to help her get through this. Anybody ever been through something similar?

 

Oh yes. *sigh* I have one like this, and to be honest, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

 

I'm teaching my son to step back, take a deep breath, ask for help or try again. "Step back" can be as simple as look out the window, go sharpen his pencil, say out loud, "I'm getting really frustrated" or make a cup of tea.

 

I no longer try to explain when he's upset. The apple and the tree...it's a good recipe for ensuring we're both frustrated, lol. Now I'm focusing on teaching the behaviors I want to see: Calm down, think it through, ask for help.

 

Cat

Edited March 3, 2010 by myfunnybunch

[k2bdeutmeyer]

So true Cat! I get frustrated pretty quickly when she's like that.....because I just want her to listen to me, LOL. I've been trying to keep myself in check and just ask her to step away for a few min, but then she likes to pitch an even bigger fit because she "wants to do it". Ugh!

[*********]

So true Cat! I get frustrated pretty quickly when she's like that.....because I just want her to listen to me, LOL. I've been trying to keep myself in check and just ask her to step away for a few min, but then she likes to pitch an even bigger fit because she "wants to do it". Ugh!

 

Just my two cents, but perhaps when she gets this way, instead of 'asking' her to step away, *have* her step away.

 

'DD, I see you are getting frustrated, and are no longer able to listen to me expain the problem/new info/whatever to you. You're going to take a break now and (fill in the blank; get a cup of tea, jump on the trampoline for a few minutes, work on a different subject, whatever YOU have decided works to get her mind off the situation and let her calm down). We'll try this again later when I feel you're ready to tackle it calmly.' At this point, your dd will either obey, or not obey; then, it's about obedience training, NOT about whatever material is frustrating her.

 

Sometimes, I catch myself *asking* my children to do things that in reality, I'm not going to let them say no to. Like, I'll get in the bad habit of saying 'Who is ready to clean up now?', instead of 'ok, now that we're done with lunch, we're all going to clean up for ten minutes. Zee, put the dishes in the sink; Moose, pick up the blocks in the living room and put them in the basket, etc.'.

 

You're the mom. Try some things, see what works best for your dd, then enforce it.

 

And :grouphug:. Zee gets that way often. :)

[fairfarmhand]

Yep. DD 12 is EXACTLY like this. I refuse to try to help her when she gets this way. I'll say "ok. Right now you are really frustrated and annoyed that this is hard and that's ok. (Generally I get interuppted with "NO I"M NOT MAD!") It will be hard to focus when you are so upset so lets do something else for awhile and then come back to this with fresh eyes in a bit." After awhile she will calm herself, but it hasn't always been this way. When she threw a fit, she had to go to her room for awhile until the storm passed. When I did this consistently, the situation slowly improved. I gave up even trying to talk or teach her when she was so frustrated and angry because it just turned into an argument. Basically I've said "I will not help you right now. Find something else to do for a bit." She could practice handwriting, write spelling words, anything else but I would not help her till she was calm and ready to try.

 

It also helped that I made a list of rules for school work.

1. Behave respectfully. (no disrespectful talk, no throwing things, no slamming books around)

2. Ask for help respectfully (Mom I'm having trouble is acceptable. This is stupid I hate it. Is not acceptable.)

3. I won't help someone with a bad attitude.

4. I won't help someone who doesn't try. (in my daughter this was manifested in a string of sullen "I don't know's when I would try to ask her a ? to explain something)

5. Any work that is sloppily or half-way done due to a bad attitude must be redone.

 

These were written down and posted in the kitchen where we do our work. I showed them to my daughter at a time when we were all totally calm and said something like, "You know I like homeschooling you but some days you make it more difficult than it has to be when you cannot control yourself. Then we both get frustrated and that makes it more hard for you to learn and for me to teach. Here are our guidelines for schooling."

 

My daughter is really bright and self-motivated and she wants to get her work out of the way so she can do some fun things that are not allowed until school is over. Knowing that life will not go on till she calms and can finish up was a real motivator.

[Lightly Salted]

Yep. DD 12 is EXACTLY like this. I refuse to try to help her when she gets this way. I'll say "ok. Right now you are really frustrated and annoyed that this is hard and that's ok. (Generally I get interuppted with "NO I"M NOT MAD!") It will be hard to focus when you are so upset so lets do something else for awhile and then come back to this with fresh eyes in a bit." After awhile she will calm herself, but it hasn't always been this way. When she threw a fit, she had to go to her room for awhile until the storm passed. When I did this consistently, the situation slowly improved. I gave up even trying to talk or teach her when she was so frustrated and angry because it just turned into an argument. Basically I've said "I will not help you right now. Find something else to do for a bit." She could practice handwriting, write spelling words, anything else but I would not help her till she was calm and ready to try.

 

It also helped that I made a list of rules for school work.

1. Behave respectfully. (no disrespectful talk, no throwing things, no slamming books around)

2. Ask for help respectfully (Mom I'm having trouble is acceptable. This is stupid I hate it. Is not acceptable.)

3. I won't help someone with a bad attitude.

4. I won't help someone who doesn't try. (in my daughter this was manifested in a string of sullen "I don't know's when I would try to ask her a ? to explain something)

5. Any work that is sloppily or half-way done due to a bad attitude must be redone.

 

These were written down and posted in the kitchen where we do our work. I showed them to my daughter at a time when we were all totally calm and said something like, "You know I like homeschooling you but some days you make it more difficult than it has to be when you cannot control yourself. Then we both get frustrated and that makes it more hard for you to learn and for me to teach. Here are our guidelines for schooling."

 

My daughter is really bright and self-motivated and she wants to get her work out of the way so she can do some fun things that are not allowed until school is over. Knowing that life will not go on till she calms and can finish up was a real motivator.

 

I love your rules!

[myfunnybunch]

So true Cat! I get frustrated pretty quickly when she's like that.....because I just want her to listen to me, LOL. I've been trying to keep myself in check and just ask her to step away for a few min, but then she likes to pitch an even bigger fit because she "wants to do it". Ugh!

 

LOL, sounds just like our house. I do like that they've got the desire to solve the problem and don't give up completely. They just get stuck.

 

It hasn't been long, only a week, right? Consistency in whatever approach you decide on is the key. You'll get there! :)

 

What I do (specifically) is pre-teach, meaning we talk about what to do when frustrated ahead of time, prompt in the moment if needed ("You sound frustrated right now. What do you need? Can I help?"), then let the behavior play out as it will, meaning I help if asked. If he can't get over the frustration in the moment, I wait patiently (at least outwardly, lol) until he gets it all out, then ask again how I can help.

 

It's taken a while (meaning several weeks) since I started doing this consistently, since it took me a while to figure out what works best for this child and for me. I think the key has been allowing him to be frustrated and learn how to move past it, and waiting to step in until he's ready for my help. More and more often, I hear the "Argh!" followed by the pencil sharpener and/or, "Mom, I need help" from a kid willing to listen to my help.

 

Cat

[Parrothead]

You're sure the work isn't too overwhelming?

 

If you need her to take a break and step back, but she won't then you should close the book, and take it with you when you walk away for a few minutes.