Fighting Little Boys Drive Their Mother Crazy

[Laura Cook]

I have had it up to my eyeballs with the boys fighting with each other! All day long it seems like all I do is break up fights. I cannot seem to stop them. As soon as I hear them start to fight I begin to listen in. I don't step in right away because often they will come to an agreement without my help and I think resolving their own conflicts is something they can't learn too soon. However, lately than seems to be happening less and less often. They start and I start listening, then I have to step in and separate them. Either by sending them to play by themselves for awhile or for a time out if they have gotten physical with each other. Then everything is peaceful for an hour or so before it happens all over again! Is it just their ages, or the fact that they are boys? Or maybe they really are trying to drive me crazy?!

 

I don't expect them to never fight, that would just be completely unrealistic, but do they have to do it ALL DAY LONG? I guess I will have to start stepping in as soon as I hear them. Sigh. They both can express themselves very well verbally and it was such a joy to hear them negotiating with each other until they were happy.

 

Any advice or suggestions for me? Thanks for letting me vent!

[calandalsmom]

I have bad news. I could have written this and my boys are 12 and 9. They just had a wrestling match with possible hitting bc one shot the other with a nerf gun. I have no idea what to do. im at the end of my rope. The younger one's temper is out of control when he is "harmed" and the older one likes to provoke.

 

Im thinking of moving to Hawaii and becoming a margarita sipping beach bum.

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

No good news here, either. :) My boys are 8, 5, and 3. The 3 yo is the toughest, LOL!

[Laura Cook]

I have bad news. I could have written this and my boys are 12 and 9.

 

I was afraid of this! Tell me, are your boys really competitive with each other? Mine have gotten pretty competitive in the last month or so. They are so young! I wasn't expecting it to happen so soon.

 

I grew up in a family of all girls except for my dad and my grandpa. Boys under a certain age are completely foreign territory for me. I desperately wish someone would have told me what raising boys is like! Maybe then I would feel prepared for the differences.

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

I grew up in a family of all girls except for my dad and my grandpa. Boys under a certain age are completely foreign territory for me. I desperately wish someone would have told me what raising boys is like! Maybe then I would feel prepared for the differences.

 

I grew up in a family of all girls, too. My Dad was a quiet gentleman. All of us were introverted. My husband and all 3 boys are extroverted (two of my boys are extremely so). Talk about a 180.

[Mejane]

My dad used to threaten to ship my two brothers off to military school where, presumably, they would learn to put their aggressiveness to good use. :) They grew out of it in their teens.

[Danestress]

I'm not going to say that they have never done it, but I always separated fighting boys out on to their own beds for a 20 minute "cool off" period any time an argument came to physical blows, pushing, shoving, etc. Usually by the end of 20 minutes the were almost desperate for each other's company again.

 

I did not try to solve the conflict for them. I just had a "no discussion, no questions asked" cool down period when there was any physical altercation. It was sort of nice for me to have that quiet time anyway, so it did not make me mad when they did it.

 

Honestly, verbal arguing drives me crazy. But I do think part of having a sibling is learning to settle these things so I tried to ignore most of it. I just don't think that we have to use our hands/fists/feet for that. The twins are 12 now and almost never have angry physical interactions, though they do pick at each other and bicker sometimes.

 

I had two sisters, and we did fight a fair amount. My mother was one of those "don't call me unless there is blood on the walls" kind of mothers who really believed in letting us work it out. What that meant in my house was that they younger (me) sister was badly oppressed by the bigger, stronger, more cunning older sister. I wouldn't do that to my kids. I simply won't allow physical fights or true verbal ugliness. But my boys are good friends, and my sister and I are good friends, so I am not sure that the difference in technique really makes or breaks the sibling relationship. My rule is probably more about my sanity.

[JudoMom]

I find my boys go through cycles as they grow up. I find as the younger ones figure out they're able to do more and express their opinions, and they start exerting this new found freedom, arguments increase.

 

I also don't allow physical fighting out of anger (though we do Judo, and I do allow wrestling outside--I think little boys are similar to puppies), but it's rare to have physical fights. The bickering goes in cycles, but I expect them to work it out and they usually do.

 

It sounds like you're doing the right things, just keep at it :001_smile:.

[StartingOver]

Do they make boxing gloves that small ??? My boys were a bit older 5 & 7 when they started constantly fighting. I bought boxing gloves, and first thing every morning after breakfast we would cheer them on. It soon wasn't as fun, when it was viewed as a chore to be done everyday. ;-) Although I did have to bring them back out every now and then........ the last time they were 18 and 20 LOL

 

Good Luck !!

[KrissiK]

My boys age 5 & 6 do this too. Last night we were at the dinner table (dh, dd and I were actually eating dinner) waiting for the boys to finish cleaning their room before they could eat. It took them 1 hour to do a job they could have done in 10 minutes but they fought, they played, they_____ (you fill in the blanks). Finally, they really started fighting. At this juncture, typically dh or I would have stepped in, but we didn't. We just listened. And eventually, after a few tears we heard real work being done with ds1 taking charge. It took a lot longer than we thought, but we actually stayed out of it and this morning ds1 was pretty proud of himself for figuring out how to get himself and his brother to work together to get a job done. Their fighting drives me nuts, but I'm really going to make an effort that unless someone is drawing blood to stay out of it because they have proved to me that left to their own devises, they can solve their problems.

[calandalsmom]

Im really not sure how to simply not allow it since what just happened here happened outside far away from me and since Im physically incapable of breaking two fighting boys apart.

[Laura Cook]

Thanks! It is nice to know that this seems to be normal behavior for boys. When they start hurting each other is when I step in, I don't want them to ever think that something can be resolved with hitting. I think too that they are better off figuring out their differences without adults stepping in as long as it doesn't get physical. They generally are just bickering about toys, about what they are going to do next, things like that. No name calling yet either. I guess I'm just going to have to learn to tune it out a little bit. Part of the issue might be that I am just frustrated in general with my youngest boy, he has gotten very belligerant in the last few weeks, trying, I think to see how far he can push mama. That on top of the fighting makes me crazy!

 

I can see that this might just be a cycle. It started to get bad about a month ago when the youngest boy turned 3. I remember that they had about a month around when the oldest turned 4 where it got pretty bad too. Then it died off for several months. I am not looking forward to years of this. Yea.

[Laura Cook]

Maybe some more physical activity would help too? Right now we don't get out a whole lot because it is cold, and I hate the cold! I need to make more of an effort to get them outside. Thank goodness in our area we will start to have nicer days soon!

[cougarmom4]

I simply won't allow physical fights or true verbal ugliness.

 

Whenever I hear people say this, I always think...well, it's not like I teach them to fight or encourage them to fight...but they do it anyway. Of course, I don't allow physical fights...but does that really mean they never happen? I've just been always a little baffled when someone (usually mil) says, Well, *I* never allowed fighting in my house...as if those of us with kids who fight are seriously choosing this ourselves?

 

I'm asking most sincerely and without snarkiness...tell me your secret, please!?!

[Danestress]

I did actually specifically say that it *does* happen in my home, and I explained how I handle it when it does happen.

 

I have a rule against it. Of course my kids sometimes break the rules. That's true of a lot of rules. But the basic policy is that NO physical fighting is allowed. There is no "maybe I should let them work this out." If someone uses fists or feet, I separated the boys immediately to their own beds for a cool off. I didn't get angry because I knew exactly how I want to handle it, and it seemed to work. I didn't try to negotiate it or find out who started it or settle the argument. I just separated the boys for 20 minutes.

 

I think I always like having a plan. The hardest thing for me is when I don't really know what my position is or what a consequence of something will be. I think maybe that's why verbal arguing makes me so nuts - I don't really have a "zero tolerance" because I think some of it is okay, but then where is the line? What is too much? Does that vary with my mood (it does, actually). With the physical stuff, I just had a line in the sand, and for us, that worked.

 

Sort of like a parent can say, "I don't allow my kids to swear." Might they some day? They might. And then when you hear it, you address it. Saying, "I don't allow this" does not mean, "I have special magic powers to prevent that from ever happening." One can dream though:)

Edited March 3, 2010 by Danestress

[Danestress]

Im really not sure how to simply not allow it since what just happened here happened outside far away from me and since Im physically incapable of breaking two fighting boys apart.

 

I think the OP has small children. If your kids are having a fight at age 12, I think it's sort of like dogs - you have to not jump in physically or you can end up getting bit!

 

But my boys are 12, 12, and 22, and I have not had a problem with true physical fighting in a long long time. A push, a shove, that happens. I remind them that we won't have that. I am probably lucky that none of them has a particularly difficult or aggressive temperment, and I know that for some boys,this would be a harder rule to enforce

 

They also work out HARD at their sports for a couple of hours a day, six days most weeks. That probably helps some, and also give the twins time apart from each other.

[Jackie in NE]

Im thinking of moving to Hawaii and becoming a margarita sipping beach bum.

 

Can I come too?

 

Signed, mother of two boys ages 8 and 9, who constantly fight. On bad days I google "military schools". It helps.:svengo:

[calandalsmom]

I think the OP has small children. If your kids are having a fight at age 12, I think it's sort of like dogs - you have to not jump in physically or you can end up getting bit!

 

But my boys are 12, 12, and 22, and I have not had a problem with true physical fighting in a long long time. A push, a shove, that happens. I remind them that we won't have that. I am probably lucky that none of them has a particularly difficult or aggressive temperment, and I know that for some boys,this would be a harder rule to enforce

 

They also work out HARD at their sports for a couple of hours a day, six days most weeks. That probably helps some, and also give the twins time apart from each other.

 

It seldom escalates here but it still bothers me immensely. Just a shove or just a push provokes a retaliatory smack and then they come to me and Im supposed to run interference or clean it up and I have no idea what to do. I find myself saying to separate but it doesnt seem to impact anything because 3 days later... a week later... we have the same thing over again.

 

I have read that How to Listen so Kids will talk book and I think my kids failed to get the message bc they hate when I do that respond with empathy stuff. They act like Im a freak when I try to echo their feelings. YES! I JUST SAID THAT MOM! LOL

[cougarmom4]

If someone uses fists or feet, I separated the boys immediately to their own beds for a cool off. I didn't get angry because I knew exactly how I want to handle it, and it seemed to work. I didn't try to negotiate it or find out who started it or settle the argument. I just separated the boys for 20 minutes.

 

I think I always like having a plan. The hardest thing for me is when I don't really know what my position is or what a consequence of something will be. I think maybe that's why verbal arguing makes me so nuts - I don't really have a "zero tolerance" because I think some of it is okay, but then where is the line? What is too much? Does that vary with my mood (it does, actually). With the physical stuff, I just had a line in the sand, and for us, that worked.

 

Saying, "I don't allow this" does not mean, "I have special magic powers to prevent that from ever happening." One can dream though:)

 

Oh, man...I was really hoping you had special magic powers you could teach me how to use. ;)

 

But seriously, I think perhaps I tend to try to talk too much. I think your comments about having a plan in place & following through are right on. I like your idea of simply separating them to cool down. Question...did you then talk about it or just start fresh from there? And did you have consequences for the fighting that would be enforced after the cooling down period?

 

Very honestly, I am struggling with a lot of fighting lately and I need to make a few changes in how I handle it. Hiding in my closet with the chocolate chip cookies is probably not the best way to deal with things, huh?

[cougarmom4]

It seldom escalates here but it still bothers me immensely. Just a shove or just a push provokes a retaliatory smack and then they come to me and Im supposed to run interference or clean it up and I have no idea what to do. I find myself saying to separate but it doesnt seem to impact anything because 3 days later... a week later... we have the same thing over again.

 

I can relate...unfortunately mine are not as little as yours. So I obviously don't know how to fix it!

[Miss Sherry]

We have 1 boy and 2 girls, so I cannot say that we have had the kind of fighting you are talking about. However, I do think we would have it if we had more than one boy in the house. When I think about other people I have been around with more than one boy in the family, the boys do get physical with each other. My son, who has no brothers, likes to wrestle with one of his friends. They just seem to have to have some physical exertion going on.

Perhaps your boys could benefit from some type of physical exertion to burn up energy to cut down on the fighting. Even if it is just taking them outside and having them go for a good, long run.

[Miss Sherry]

Thanks! It is nice to know that this seems to be normal behavior for boys. When they start hurting each other is when I step in, I don't want them to ever think that something can be resolved with hitting. I think too that they are better off figuring out their differences without adults stepping in as long as it doesn't get physical. They generally are just bickering about toys, about what they are going to do next, things like that. No name calling yet either. I guess I'm just going to have to learn to tune it out a little bit. Part of the issue might be that I am just frustrated in general with my youngest boy, he has gotten very belligerant in the last few weeks, trying, I think to see how far he can push mama. That on top of the fighting makes me crazy!

 

I can see that this might just be a cycle. It started to get bad about a month ago when the youngest boy turned 3. I remember that they had about a month around when the oldest turned 4 where it got pretty bad too. Then it died off for several months. I am not looking forward to years of this. Yea.

Have you noticed it getting more intense if they have been cooped up in the house, due to the weather, not getting much exercise ?

[Danestress]

I can try to answer your questions, but I think when your kids get older, you sort of forget how things were at a specific age. So I may not have perfect memory of when mine were in your children's age range. In general, though, would say that I am not much of one for hashing out all the reasons and justifications for taking action with my kids. I *think* that at four or so they were pretty clear that the rule was "no hitting, no kicking, not biting." So if I separated them from each other for that and gave them 20 minutes on their beds, they didn't really need a big talk about it. They got it. They understood the rule. They just felt like breaking it. Usually after 20 minutes, they were be really happy to be able to interact again and didn't need to revisit whatever the reason was for the argument in the first place. Mine had had very few real differences that mattered longer than a few minutes to them. So after the 20 minutes was up, I would hear them playing and giggling again and know that all was well.

 

I never had one boy truly hurt the other in any major way. I think if there had been stitches and such involved, there would have been more talking. Usually it was just hitting and head slamming and stuff like that.

 

My boys were really pretty complaint. And I was vigilant about getting them lots of exercise and fresh air, even as young kids. I just thought they needed it.

[Miss Sherry]

Whenever I hear people say this, I always think...well, it's not like I teach them to fight or encourage them to fight...but they do it anyway. Of course, I don't allow physical fights...but does that really mean they never happen? I've just been always a little baffled when someone (usually mil) says, Well, *I* never allowed fighting in my house...as if those of us with kids who fight are seriously choosing this ourselves?

 

I'm asking most sincerely and without snarkiness...tell me your secret, please!?!

The only secret is, that parents with quiet compliant children, think it is because they are such awesome parents, but then if/when they have more children, and they are less compliant they find out that some children just simply require more energy to parent than other children do. :lol:

[3littlekeets]

I have told my children that it is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Plain and simple!

 

We have talked about abuse, and using our hands on one another. We have talked about how they would feel if their father and I beat the crap out of each other, etc.

 

We simply won't tolerate physical violence in our home. On occasion when they slip up (they are only 7 and 11), we make them sit on 1 chair together until they calm down and can express their feelings more effectively.

 

** I'm not saying other people "allow it," but we put it in terms that they can understand. And, we did show my 11 year old pictures of Rhiana and Chris Brown. They need to learn it is wrong and HARMFUL and Illegal~