How do you help a 4 year old understand death?

[lynn]

Recently my dd is trying to put together people in the family. Such that grandma and grandpa are my mommy and daddy and her Grandpa W is daddy's daddy. The question came up "where's your mommy" and dh explained that she died. DD responded with "That's so sad." gave her daddy a big hug and went on to play. Yesterday she asked me why people die and I explained that their bodies just wear out. then she asked if I was going to die. I needed to answer her and the only thing I could think to say is "Not for a long, long time." She seems content with the answer. However, my fil is 80 and not in good health so we may be having to answer more questions and want to answer her in a way that she does not worry about losing DH and I anytime in the near future. Does this make sense. How do you respond to these life questions without causing a child to worry?

[stripe]

I have explained to my kids that death is a part of the life cycle, extrapolating from plants and animals that we see die (e.g. dead bird, dead plant), sort of along the lines of what's mentioned in What's Alive? (Let's-Read-and-Find... Science 1) by Kathleen Weidner Zoehfeld and Nadine Bernard Westcott. They were worried for a while but seem to have mulled it over and don't have it on the brain so much anymore.

[lionfamily1999]

Are you religious at all? I would definitely include that into any talks about death. What do you believe happens after death? Why do you believe things die? I just realized I can't really answer your questions until I know where you stand on it ;)

 

My older dcs know what death is, they know that it's impossible to tell when someone will die and they know what happens after death, but it's all from our Christian pov and I'm not sure if how we did it would be any help to you.

[KJB]

My Dad passed away 8 years ago. My family took care of him at home until he passed away. At the time, my two oldest children were 3 and 5. They were in the house the day my Dad died.

 

The Hospice nurse gave me this story to use as a tool to help them deal with their grief and to offer an explanation that might satisfy them.

 

(The story assumes a belief in God and heaven.)

 

 

The Dragonfly Story

 

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

 

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "one of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went....Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return...

 

"That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.

 

No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea". "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."

 

"We promise", they said solemnly.

 

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

 

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings...The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!

 

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

 

The dragonfly remembered the promise: "the next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why." Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...

 

"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."

 

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.......

 

Thank you God, for the story of the water bugs and the dragonflies.

 

Please remember________who left the pond we live in...and remember me...

[Mommyof4ks]

Are you religious at all? I would definitely include that into any talks about death. What do you believe happens after death? Why do you believe things die? I just realized I can't really answer your questions until I know where you stand on it ;)

 

My older dcs know what death is, they know that it's impossible to tell when someone will die and they know what happens after death, but it's all from our Christian pov and I'm not sure if how we did it would be any help to you.

 

:iagree: Unfortunately kids will worry about it at some point, because someone that is not old and sick will die and the child will realize that anyone can die. My kids have known too many people who have died young (several children and a couple of adults) in the last couple of years, and our 4 yr old is the one that takes it the best. My 10 yr old falls to pieces, but she is our sensitive child and everything makes her more emotional than the others. We just explain that no one knows when we will die, but God has a plan for our lives and when we are done with his plan on earth then he takes us home to be with Him. I don't know if that helps you at all, but perhaps you can take that and explain from your religious views.

[specialmama]

My Dad passed away 8 years ago. My family took care of him at home until he passed away. At the time, my two oldest children were 3 and 5. They were in the house the day my Dad died.

 

The Hospice nurse gave me this story to use as a tool to help them deal with their grief and to offer an explanation that might satisfy them.

 

(The story assumes a belief in God and heaven.)

 

 

The Dragonfly Story

 

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

 

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "one of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went....Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return...

 

"That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.

 

No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea". "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."

 

"We promise", they said solemnly.

 

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

 

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings...The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!

 

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

 

The dragonfly remembered the promise: "the next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why." Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...

 

"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."

 

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.......

 

Thank you God, for the story of the water bugs and the dragonflies.

 

Please remember________who left the pond we live in...and remember me...

 

KJB that is a beautiful story! What a wonderful nurse who took the time to share it with you!

 

To the OP... please be honest with your children. You don't know that you'll be here for a long, long time. Nobody has a promise of a tomorrow. I used to say that to my dd when she was 3... then I thought... what would she think if I were to die? I would not want her angry at me for lying to her or breaking a promise that I could not keep. So I just made it a restful/loving/calm fact: mommy will be here tomorrow God willing! Next week? Oh I'll be there, God willing! Ice cream? We can have that on the weekend, God willing! In the mean time, mommy's gonna love you every second like it was my last! (this is where you give BIG squeezes and tickles and laugh it up) I understand wanting your dc not to worry, but don't be fooled into thinking of only the here and now. What do you want them to think should something happen to you? Sorry if I'm too morbid. My dad died as a child, so I have pretty stong feelings about this. You want them to be okay, to survive, to not be distrustful of all the things you've told them. I hope that makes sense. :grouphug:

[ConnieB]

Recently my dd is trying to put together people in the family. Such that grandma and grandpa are my mommy and daddy and her Grandpa W is daddy's daddy. The question came up "where's your mommy" and dh explained that she died. DD responded with "That's so sad." gave her daddy a big hug and went on to play. Yesterday she asked me why people die and I explained that their bodies just wear out. then she asked if I was going to die. I needed to answer her and the only thing I could think to say is "Not for a long, long time." She seems content with the answer. However, my fil is 80 and not in good health so we may be having to answer more questions and want to answer her in a way that she does not worry about losing DH and I anytime in the near future. Does this make sense. How do you respond to these life questions without causing a child to worry?

 

I think you're doing a great job...answer her questions as they come up. When your FIL does die, explain that you are all sad and will miss him, but if she expresses worry about HER daddy dying....the same answer you gave about his mommy would be appropriate. Daddy doesn't plan to die for a long long time.....Grandpa was 80, that's really old and he had such a wonderful life...let's go look at pictures of Grandpa and all he did in his life.

 

Obviously, none of know if we're really going to be around for a "long long time"...but worrying a child over that isn't going to help their understanding of death or time. Give her the information she's requesting but don't go overboard...she doesn't need it until she asks about it.

 

Reminds me of that funny story about "Bobby" who came running in from playing outside and asked "Mommy where did I come from". Mommy take a deep breath and launches into a full explanation of "the birds and the bees", even bringing out picture books that she'd gotten just for this occasion. Finally, she winds down, beams at Bobby and asks him if he has any questions about their talk. Bobby, looking a little bewildered, says "I don't think so Mom....Johnny just told me that he was from Ohio".

Edited March 2, 2010 by ConnieB

[jujsky]

My dad died when my kids were 3 and 2, and my grandfather died a year ago when my kids were 4 and 5, so I've had this conversation many, many times. I *do* tell my kids when they ask if I will die that hopefully that won't happen for a long, long time. That's the best balance I could find to answer their question while both being honest and not causing them undo anxiety.

 

I think it's always best to give truthful, age-appropriate information. When my grandfather died, it was easy to discuss it with my kids. He was in his 80's, and the kids knew he was sick. He lingered for several days after losing consciousness so we had lots of time to talk about it and prepare them. At 4 and 5 they seemed to understand that he was old, had lived a long life, and his body was worn out.

 

It has been more difficult explaining my dad's death because the kids were younger, my dad was younger, and it was a suicide. At first, explaining death in terms the kids could understand was enough. At 2, DD had no concept, but DS was able to understand a little. He was/is really into dinosaurs, so I asked him what "extinct" meant, and he said, "It means there are no more dinosaurs." I told him that death was sort of the same thing -- there was no more Paw-Paw. He was able to grasp that. The questions have evolved over the last 3 years as DS has matured. It went from, "How did he die?" ("Sometimes people get very, very sick and die.") to "What was wrong with his body?" ("He had a bad boo-boo inside his head.") to "How did Paw-Paw get the boo-boo inside his head? ("It was disease/sickness") to "What is the disease Paw-Paw had in his head to make him die?" ("It's called 'mental illness," sweetie, and most people who have it can be fixed, but Paw-Paw couldn't") to "What is mental illness?" ("It means someone gets so sad inside their mind that no matter how hard they try, they can't get happy and can't see the good things in life anymore. Sometimes they're so sad they can't live anymore.") to "How EXACTLY did Paw-Paw die? How could he die from being really sad?" It finally came to the point a couple months ago when DS asked me that question that the only answer I could give him was, "I want to always tell you the truth and answer your questions, but there are some things that I think you're too young to understand right now. I'm a grown-up and it's hard for me to understand why Paw-Paw died. When you're older I'll tell you." It's been a couple months since he asked me about it, so I think that satisfied him for now. DD has never asked me about it, though she's been present for some of DS's questions.

 

In terms of spirituality, or what happens when someone dies, I am honest as I can be with my kids about that too. I tell them no one really knows for sure, but people have different beliefs. I tell them that some people believe that you go to a place called Heaven, some people think you just wink out of existence, and some people believe that your spirit comes back in the body of a baby. I also tell that whatever they believe in their heart is the right belief for them. We're agnostic, so that was the best way I could explain it. If you have a set belief system you can probably offer a more concise explanation.