Consequences for lying

[dangermom]

What is a good 'love and logic' style consequence for lying? Consider it a relatively small lie--one of those cases where the fact of the lie is much worse than the actual thing that was lied about.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Honestly? Assuming this is a once in a blue moon thing, we'd simply say something like, "well that was a ditzy thing to lie about" and move on.

 

You might follow up with discussions about honesty/lying over time.

 

If you felt you needed to make a point, THIS would be the time I would use the "semi-joking" thing about if they were lying/telling truth.

 

What color sheet do you want on your bed?

red

green?

I said red

Oh, I heard that; just wasn't sure if that was the truth.

 

I'd ONLY do that if I felt I needed to make a point AND could play it off as joking. I don't like the idea of doing it for something serious, an ongoing issue, or doing it in anger.

 

Most of the time, it's just not an issue since if it is your towel on the floor of the bathroom, you're gonna go pick it up. If you have chocolate on your face, you're not getting chocolate after supper. Whatever....just follow through with the original issue and it fixes the lying one.

Edited January 28, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[Katrina J]

I like to use a knowing grin and a few logical questions to flush out the lie. It's embarrassing being caught out with a lie, even when you are 4 or 7 and that's usually as far as it goes around here.

[*********]

What is a good 'love and logic' style consequence for lying? Consider it a relatively small lie--one of those cases where the fact of the lie is much worse than the actual thing that was lied about.

 

When we have this situation, we usually do this (this is with our little boys; if the olders are lying about something, it's usually not a case of 'the fact of the lie is much worse than the actual thing being lied about', if ykwim:

 

The liar confesses to the lie. We never accuse someone of lying unless we have concrete, irrefutable proof, or the liar confesses. I may say something like 'well, I'm not sure that's the truth. Are you sure?' And then if the child is adamant that they are telling the truth, I am quite honest with them. I'll say 'Ok, well mommy doubted you were telling the truth for xyz reason. But since you say you are not lying, I will believe you.' I was accused of lying by my parents when I was young, multiple times, when I was in fact telling the truth. They had no proof, no admision of lying on my part. They simply assumed for whatever reason that I *must be lying; perhaps based on past behavior? I don't know. All I know is that it was VERY hurtful to me to be accused and punished for lying when I know I was telling the truth. So I am very careful not to do that with my boys.

 

Now, if they confess to lying, or I have hard concrete proof (which by the way, if the little boys are presented with hard proof that they are lying, they ALWAYS cave and confess. In fact, I only recall once or twice that has ever happened; usually, their consciences are too tender to keep up the lie after the first 'are you sure that's the truth?' from me or daddy. The older two, not so much. They sometimes will stick to their lie even in the face of irrefutable evidence. :glare: But that's different than what you're talking about, so I'll just address the younger boys situation). Anyway, usually after the child confesses (which is usually them bursting into tears and sobbing 'I'm so sorry mommy, I LIED!', followed by crying and wanting a hug and apolgizing profusely), we have a long talk. We talk about why lying is wrong (because Scripture clearly says it is), about how it makes the liar feel to lie, how it makes the person being lied to feel, and what we should do now (apologize to the person you lied to, and ask God to forgive you for lying). Then, it really depends on the situation. For example, if they were to take a piece of candy, eat it, then lie about it when I found the wrapper, perhaps they would be missing out on the next snacktime. If they lied and said they did something I asked them to do, but they really hadn't, then I would have them go do it. You get the idea.

 

Good luck. Lying is something I just CANNOT tolerate. And I start early with explaining why lying is always gonna earn you more grief than telling the truth.

[laurad1125]

We had issues with repeated lying in my ds11 (then 10) and what we did was remove some privileges that he'd earned because we couldn't trust him any more.

 

For example, we'd been leaving him alone for 15-20 minutes when we ran quick errands. No more. We can't trust him so he has to go with us. School work must be done in the room I'm in because I can't trust him to do it in another room. We told him he needed to earn back our trust (which he seems to be doing. Yeah!!!) before he could regain those privileges.

 

We felt this was logical because if I lie to my friends/boss/spouse, that's exactly what happens to me. They don't trust me and stop doing things that require that trust.

[Aggie]

The problem with little white lies is that we eventually become color blind.

 

The consequences here would be the same for a little white lie as a big honkin' lie. Just as stealing a little money would be the same as stealing a lot.

 

It would depend on the age of the dc, if this had been an issue in the past, etc. If this is a first offense, probably a lecture would do.:001_smile: If I thought it was a habit being formed, we do pretty much what laurad does.

[Haiku]

My oldest child (now a freshman in high school) had a terrible time with lying. She was adopted from an orphanage, and she claims that everyone in the orphanage lied and no one cared.

 

It took her nearly four years to figure out that when we don't trust her, we don't believe her, and she gets fewer privileges. I just kept telling her, "you have taught me not to trust you. You can teach me that I can trust you, but it will take consistent honesty on your part."

 

For small lies with my little ones, I don't punish. A child is less likely to admit to lying if they know they will be punished for lying. I just tell my kids that if they want to be believed, they have to be truthful.

 

Tara