Possible solution to teen boy/bad grades

[RoughCollie]

The kids bought their report cards home on Friday. I knew exactly what to expect, and I was devastated and depressed about it anyway. I called DH and asked him to take me out to dinner so we could discuss what we should do about it. I was so upset that I couldn't eat much.

 

Afterward, an idea popped into my head, and I went to the tiny Borders bookstore there in the mall. It is the only bookstore in our town. There was one book in the parenting section about this problem. I read it over the weekend, and I am impressed by it. We are implementing the plan beginning today.

 

That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week, by Ana Homayoun. The subtitle is Helping Disorganized and Distracted Boys Succeed in School and Life. The book focuses on teenage boys who are in middle school and high school.

 

http://www.amazon.com/That-Crumpled-Paper-Last-Week/dp/0399535594/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263818970&sr=1-1

 

The author describes the problem and why it exists. She describes the different kinds of boys that have these problems. She presents a detailed plan of how to handle it, which is really very simple and straightforward. She presents a timetable and tells the parents how to present and introduce her plan (over a 5 week period). This part is important because oftentimes, kids don't want to cooperate with their parents, whereas if another adult presented the plan to them, they would eagerly take it on.

 

She has special sections for handling boys whose parents are going through a divorce, who have a chronic illness, or who have "learning differences". I was thrilled about this because one of my DS has Asperger's Synrome and another has Nonverbal Learning Disorder. She addressed, in particular, the problem some kids have because they have low processing speeds or short-term memory problems (both of which two of my boys have).

 

Does this plan apply to girls, too? Yes! Of course! The book focuses exclusively on boys, though, for good reasons enumerated therein.

 

This is not a silver bullet. It takes most kids 6-12 months before significant, life-altering changes have been fully incorporated. Of course, these changes occur in increments throughout the process. From what I can tell, the parent has to be continuously firm about implementing the plan throughout the kids' middle and high school years. If you let the boy slack off, the plan won't work. When the boy starts to reap the benefits of the plan, the boy will become cooperative. But that doesn't mean the boy will always have the self-discipline to continue the plan on a day-to-day basis without supervision.

 

I am very excited about this. I know the kids won't be as thrilled at first, but when they reap the benefits, I think their attitudes will turn completely around. Of course, my DS who is in PS needs this the most, but I can see how it will also benefit his brothers.

 

The best part is that the boy doesn't get punished by having the things he values taken away from him (computer time, iPod, social life, video games). The plan is set up so that after the boy has met his responsibilities, he has free time to indulge in his real interests :-).

 

My DS in PS is already thrilled to know that we will implement this plan (which he knows very little about) instead of DH taking away all of his computer and video game privileges until school is out in June.

Edited January 18, 2010 by RoughCollie

[michelle l]

:seeya:I am sooooo glad you posted this!!!! We're having similar issues here. Ds is bright, (or at least average -- no known issues) but he just is not able to get it together and manage his workload! MANY things don't get turned in, or he thinks or at least says he doesn't have homework. It's very frustrating! Think I'll pick up the book!

[Nan in Mass]

Thank you for posting, RoughCollie. I've been thinking about this whole issue, what we are doing about it, whether it is working, whether it worked (for older children), etc., because of your other post. I will get the book and read it. Perhaps it will help us, too.

-Nan

[elegantlion]

Thank you! I added that to my cart.

[Aubrey]

Oh, please keep us posted. I just requested the book from the library, but it's on order, so I'm not sure how long the wait will be.

 

I know you said it's for jr high/highschool boys, but what about older ones? Could a grown boy read the book & benefit?

[RoughCollie]

Could a grown boy read the book & benefit?

 

I think so. One of the things the author states is that high school boys have formed habits by the time they go to college, and the organization and time management skills are definitely helpful there too.

 

DH & I are going to implement the process into our lives too, mostly to encourage the kids. If I were still in college or grad school, I would use this process. The entire process has to do with time management, organization, goal-setting (personal & educational), and incorporates getting enough sleep, eating breakfast & eating nutritious foods, and so forth.

 

DH and I are going to join the kids in setting semester goals for ourselves. These are short-term (semester to yearlong) personal and academic goals. During study time, DH and I will read, I will do office work -- something quiet so the house is basically noise-free.

 

DS1 is eager to move ahead in German, so I bought the teacher's text (with answers) and I will learn it right along with him. He wants me to so he has someone to speak with in German.

 

I will also make sure I model the getting enough sleep, eating breakfast, responsibility before leisure time, and so forth, behavior. I am a night owl and I'd rather read than sleep or do chores, so I have some cleaning up of my own act to do.

 

The second-best part of the book was that I recognized myself, DH, and every one of our boys in the examples. I may feel like a failure as a parent, but I'm not alone in this boat -- and it doesn't look like it will be hard to change course. Also, my boys are normal teenagers ... not wastrels who will end up on skid row. Well, Friday they were wastrels. Today, they are on their way to reversing that trend, and they still get to be teen boys.

 

This book has a plan, tells exactly how to implement, and through that, restores hope to both parent and son. It is amazing how well the author understands teen boys and I think she did a great job communicating that so I could hear it.

Edited January 18, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Josie]

RC,

 

I just read your post on moving. Do you think your move has been difficult on your son and subsequently had a negative impact on your son and resulted in the bad grades?

 

I will keep you in my prayers. I know how difficult moving can be on everyone in the family.

[Josie]

I know that! Ugh!!!

[Evergreen State Sue]

Thanks for alerting me to this book. To my surprise our library system had 4 copies and one was available so I put it on hold. I hope this give us new insight.

 

My 14yods is taking a class this year that is just excellent. It is using the book Study Power - Study Skills to Improve Your Learning and Your Grades by William R. Luckie & Wood Smethurst. I think this book is a great help on how you study, what you need to do before during and after a class, how to prepare for a test and now to manage your time. Unfortunately, I don't see my ds taking it to heart. He seems to know mostly what to do but doesn't follow through. The vital key is motivation - they have to want to do what it takes to learn the material or get a good grade.

[RoughCollie]

RC,

 

I just read your post on moving. Do you think your move has been difficult on your son and subsequently had a negative impact on your son and resulted in the bad grades?

 

I will keep you in my prayers. I know how difficult moving can be on everyone in the family.

 

Thank you, Josie.

 

I thought about the moving factor, and decided that since DS's grades have been abysmal for several years, it is not a significant.

 

Also, DS made 2 A's this past semester, in German and guitar. These are the first A's he's made in 2.5 school years.

 

I have talked to DS about this in detail, and he insists that he is just lazy. He knows what he needs to do and doesn't make himself do it. He likes what he's heard about the new plan because it is better than the alternative DH had in mind.

Edited January 18, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Aubrey]

I came across a copy of this book at 1/2 price last night, bought it, skimmed it, & handed it over to dh. I didn't want to read it too closely, so that if it *is* a good idea, it can be *his* good idea instead of mine, but I liked the way she acknowledged that boys & girls have different strengths & that that can work against boys in an academic setting. This is something that dh has argued, so he was pretty interested to read it.

 

*Crossing my fingers.*

[Nan in Mass]

It was extremely helpful. I didn't learn anything new from it, and it didn't suggest doing anything I haven't tried before, but I haven't ever managed to try it all at once, and when I did try it, I lacked conviction and couldn't make the pieces stick. Some of it I have going fine. Some of it I've been trying to do and haven't managed yet. And some of it I have given up on, sigh. I know multiple ways of doing most of these things and one of the most helpful things about the book is having one way of each spelled out and put together witht the rest in a way that works. The author makes a convincing argument for doing it totally and doing it her way. I have my own way, of course, having gone through high school and college, but I have hated to insist that my children do it my way, knowing that other ways suit other people better. I guess I was hoping that if I kept throwing different strategies out there, my children would adopt one that worked for them. To some extent this has been true, but I know full well that what is adequate for our homeschool is not for college, whether CC or university. It is hard to get those habits built in when the situation doesn't yet demand it. Therein lies my biggest problem LOL. That and I knew lots of people in college who managed to get away with a lot less in the way of organizational and study skills, or who managed to learn them when they needed them, making me a less than convincing advocate for all those good habits. Reading this book made me realize that those people were either brilliant and way, way underschooled, or they were naturally tidy, organized, sequential thinkers, or they had had a good example to follow to help them figure it out, and my own children don't have those things and are very definately going to need help. I like this books double-check of things that will sabotage the child's efforts, like over-scheduling and nutrition. I like the way it puts the child in control. I like the way it suggests making the changes gradually. And I can tell from past experience that the actual organization/study suggestions are pretty much right-on for my boys, at least. For example, mine insisted for years that they learned better with something other than the dreaded, hated flashcards. I let them try all sorts of things and they just didn't work. Finally, I had enough evidence to insist that they do it my way. They now admit that flashcards are the only thing that really works for them and they will take the time to make them. (Flashcards force you to figure out which bits you need to memorize, prevent you from learning the order but not the information, increase efficiency by letting you divide out the ones you have down, and allow you to rearrange them for reviewing.) Anyway, I now have a list of small changes to work on a few at a time. I probably won't completely "do" the book because we are fairly successfully doing some of it already our own way, but I will definately adopt some of it.

 

Thank you for finding the book.

-Nan

[Perry]

Thanks for posting this. I'm having similar problems with my oldest dd. I'm going to read it today.

[RoughCollie]

DS1's grades 4 weeks into the semester:

 

German 110

Spanish 100

Honors Geometry 92

Honors History 92

Honors English 91

JROTC A

PE A

 

In this school, 93 is an A. They do not offer honors classes in foreign languages.

 

The school wouldn't let him take a science this year because he took biology in 9th grade and they have it as a 10th grade course. That little ruling is written in stone.

 

He's had major tests already! He has turned in all of his homework and projects ON TIME!

 

We still have 4 months to go in this semester, but this is the best out-of-the-gate performance I've seen him have.

 

DS1 doesn't make flashcards, he outlines the material instead. He has inherited DH's phenomenal memory for whatever he reads.

 

Since I like math so much, we each do his geometry homework every day. There is usually one challenging problem in there in which our results do not match, so we have lively discussions about what went wrong and whose answer is correct. Then we check it all using the solutions manual I bought. He likes this -- I don't know whether it is because he has my sole attention or what. It reminds me of when I used to teach college algebra and the other professors and I would sit around in the teacher's lounge and work challenging math problems together competitively, for fun. We also figure out how all the formulas work -- he explains them to his poor, old mother.

 

I know it sounds weird, but DS1 and I are having fun with geometry.

Edited February 9, 2010 by RoughCollie

[LibraryLover]

Thanks for the title! I am going to see if I can get this through ILL. My teen schooled boy doesn't have poor grades, but his organizational skills are quite different from his teen sister's (they are only 15 mos apart in age) , that's for sure. lol Girls do have an advantage here, ime.

[zootle]

Thanks for posting. I can't wait to get the book and implement it with my two boy, unmotivated 14yo and 14 yo with non-verbal learning disorder.

Cindy