Do you expect to be invited to your minister's house? Long

[GaHadley]

I've not read any replies, but here's what I'm thinking. . .

 

I do not expect my pastor to invite me over for dinner. I've never invited them. . .

 

I think you should open your home - to some people - people that you have common interests with and want to get to know better on a personal level - not just because they are on the church membership.

 

People really don't care how your house is (or isn't) decorated or furnished. They are there for the fellowship. Most women are so grateful for a dinner that they don't have to prepare and for some good adult conversation that it would delight them to have a warm dinner around your table. You don't have to give a house tour.

 

I'd much rather be at a home that we can drink coffee in the living room and prop our feet than a place that you feel like you need to pay an entrance fee and be escorted through like a museum!

 

remember this - there is a BIG difference between entertaining and hospitality. I'd much rather have a hospitable hostess :)

 

:grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

Thank you so much for your input, everyone.

 

Some replies (but no quotes--I hope that's ok)

 

Re: having M&M on a Saturday vs a week day--Saturday mornings in NoVa are typically busy for families, what with soccer and other activities. There's also a men's breakfast/Bible study that meets every Saturday at the church, with over 40 men participating. It's from 8-9, and many of the guys who go are the spouses of women I'd expect to see. Of course, the guys could skip that Saturday, but I think it's also reasonable for wives to come one time a year for 30 minutes on a school day and have hubby gift them with getting the kids ready for school and such. Just one day. I was surprised to see how many of you said your husbands would not do that and would be resentful.

 

Re: Time to linger--it's not that kind of event. It's more a half-hour at the most kind of time, to say hi, have a brief devotional, just a "drive by hugging" kinda thing.

 

Re: Coming for fellowship vs coming to see the house. As I sometimes get comments like, "Oh, where IS the Rectory? I've never been!" I know many women are dying with curiousity--truly. It's that kinda place. There's nothing wrong with that, I'm just saying more are dying to see the place than dying to get to know me. It's been renovated, and they did let people see it before we moved in 8 years ago, but we have about 1/4 pop turnover due to being in a military/highly transient area.

 

Re: Being perceived as "busy." Actually, I'm perceived as a curious mix (by only some, of course) of busy and lazy--I homeschool, which means I'm a weird super mom, and I don't participate in the crafty, service-y guilds, which means I disdain that sort of thing--too 'high and mighty" to do dishes kinda thing, preferring to lead a Bible study. Hmmmm...These are some of the perceptions a handful of influential ladies have. Now, some think I'm a gem, but there is this element.

 

IDK. I hope I don't sound bitter. Yes, I understand about inviting people over as an obligation vs as a hospitable thing. There's just a mix of both, being in this role--I'm atypical as a pw, but I don't want to be rude and hurt anyone, either.

 

Thanks for letting me think out loud.

 

Oh, and I was struck rather severely by those who don't want to or don't think they could cultivate a personal relationship with their pastor. That seems kinda sad. And yes, hubby visits everyone, not just those in the hospital. We also have a few people who do this in the name of the church.

Anyway, thanks.

Edited January 4, 2010 by Chris in VA

[TXMomof4]

From my personal experience - our preachers have never invited groups over. They do have close friends who might end up at their house, but never just random - I have to invite you because I'm the preacher and you're a member of my congregation - situations.

 

I honestly think you ought to avoid it actually. I know it is hard enough to maintain a personal life for a preacher's family. Some good friends of ours were ministers and it was very hard for them to draw that line between church obligation and being taken advantage of by needy people.

 

Of course, our denomination may be a little different. The preacher is just that, the preacher. Any spiritual issues/crisis would be dealt with by the elders, not the preacher.

 

eta: I just read your post above and want to clarify. I did feel like I had a personal relationship with our preacher. I was friends with them and enjoyed spending time with him and his family, but I wouldn't expect an invitation to their home. That is their home, not their job site.

Edited January 4, 2010 by TXMomof4

[Tap]

Re: having M&M on a Saturday vs a week day-....... I was surprised to see how many of you said your husbands would not do that and would be resentful.

 

 

I didn't want to make it sound like dh wouldn't do it, or would be resentful for doing it, but since he usually leaves for work before we get up, it would cause more than a little inconvenience to him to stay home and get 2 kids ready/dropped off at school and to start the 3rds homeschool day. It pushes his work day off by 3 hours. He does it on occasion for me but I wouldn't expect him to disrupt half of a work day for me to stop by for 30 minutes.

 

I am in an area with a lot of working moms who also homeschool, so my this is just my perspective. Public schools here all start at different times by school level so moms have kids leaving anywhere from 7,8 or 9am depending on what grade the child is, that makes mornings complicated for many families here. Saturdays here have many sports game/practices also but they often start at 10am or so, so it is a slower morning in most households here. It sounds like your area is different so maybe the weekday idea is perfect there.

 

I really hope you do find an opportunity to do this... it sounds like a great idea!

[the4Rs]

I didn't read most of the replies but here is my two cents:

 

I don't expect an invitation at all.

 

Everyone has gifts and talents...if it is hospitality, then you'd invite people over. If not, then you wouldn't. Anyone who judges you because that isn't your gift, is just wrong.

 

However, sometimes we need to push ourselves out of our comfort zones so to speak or we'll never realize what God can do through us. Think of it as mission-oriented hospitality.

[Chris in VA]

Thanks again for all the perspectives! I truly do appreciate it.

Trying to stretch myself is a little tough--thanks for the gentleness and the wisdom.

Hope I didn't offend anyone.

[Leanna Tomlinson]

OK, I haven't read all the replies, but I'll come at this from the perspective of the PKs- preacher's kids.

 

My dad was a pastor my whole life, and as a child I really needed my parents to have company over from church. I needed the other kids to think I was just like them. My parents were good about this when I was young and I am still close to some of those children I played with in my home as a child. As I got older, my father's ministry grew and finances shrunk; we did not entertain as much. There were several families who joined our church around that time who had kids my age, but I was always on the outside of this group. There were several boys in this group and they wouldn't even talk to me because (as a friend told me) they were scared of the preacher's daughter. Some people tend to put the preacher's family on a pedestal and your kids can suffer.

 

I'm not saying that you need to have the whole church over, but do try to realize the position your children occupy. They may need help overcoming some stereotypes perpetuated by others.

 

I have met a lot of PK's in my lifetime. Many of them voice the same issues. Many girls wanted to thwart the image and played on the wild side of things. Many, like myself, felt isolated from the congregation. I think many of us would have benefited from some solid relationships in our churches.

 

Just my $.02

 

Leanna

[KellyinPA]

This thread is interesting because we are actually having our pastor and his wife over for dinner tonight:) We have been members of our church for going on 18 years. Over that time we have had three regular pastors and several interim pastors. We have been to our current pastors home three times over the past three years. They always have the deacons and their wives for dinner at Christmas time. My husband is going off the board next month so I thought it would be nice for us to reciprocate by having them over for dinner.

 

That said, I would never expect to be invited to the pastors home. In 18 years, this is the first pastor that has invited us to his home. We have seen others outside church at a restaurant, someone's home etc but never in their home and I thought nothing about it.

 

Better get dinner started!!

[Cinder]

Well, I just read through this thread. Like many I don't expect to be invited to the pastor's house. In the past (when we were new Christians and in the military) we became close friends with one chaplain and his family, so we spent a lot of time at each other's houses. We're no longer military and have never been invited except that our current pastor and his wife have an adults only open house around Christmas.

 

Anyway, someone mentioned having just your close friends over as "friends" not as the "pastor's wife." I wanted to add something my friend told me about their pastor regarding having people over. She goes to a small church and her family is very close friends with the pastor and his family. Whenever the pastor's wife hosted a get-together with close friends there would be complaints. Complaints that ALL the church should be invited, not just a select few. This happened enough times that they stopped hosting anything at their house.

 

Your mug and muffin idea sounds like a nice compromise.

 

 

Cinder