Whats Wrong With Me?

[Impish]

Wolf and I were talking earlier, and my ectopic pregnancy came up. I started crying.

 

Then, my mother sent me a daily calendar, "To My Daughter With Love, Caring Thoughts" so I opened it today. It has a picture of a pretty young woman in a wedding dress, and the saying is, "Mother still knows best, even when that means taking her daughter's advice."

 

I started crying again. Why? Because my parents didn't attend my wedding. Yes, it was in another province, but I'm their only daughter, and the excuse that they couldn't afford it just doesn't ring true. My parents have no mortgage, and always brag about the size of their bank account.

 

I didn't realize that I still hurt over that, until this picture and saying. I was married, surrounded by people I didn't know. Nobody in my family came. Heck, I didn't even know I had family in the city til a cpl of years later when my mother did come to visit, after I'd had Tazzie. She told her rich uncle and aunt that we'd just gotten married :glare: When my aunt found out we'd been married for two years, she was aghast, and told me that they, and their kids, would have come. My mother was ashamed that I was a single mom, so didn't bother to tell them that I'd moved to their city, nor tell me that I had family here.

 

I'm back to no family again, because my rich uncle got po'd that we'd pulled Diva from the Christian school he was paying for (she was being bullied, had a kid threaten to slit her throat on the bus, etc, plus we moved across the city).

 

All of this is old news. So why am I crying over it today?!

[laughing lioness]

Dear Friend, perhaps you are crying today because you haven't truly grieved the losses. Maybe the tears are your way of telling yourself you still need to....I'm sorry for your heart hurts. :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

I think it's "that time of year." I found myself fighting back tears last night and emotional over little things. Thankfully nobody saw so I didn't have to explain.

 

Although you know that these things are true of your family, the sting is still there. Just like when you forgive someone of something dreadfully painful, you have peace but still have times where that "sting" can hurt. You can be cruising along doing fine for a long period of time, but there will be times with a sting.

 

I'm so glad Christmas and New Year are done.

[Donnado]

I don't have words of wisdom but I did want you to know that I prayed for you just now. Praying you would feel some comfort and peace soon.:grouphug:

[CAMom]

Dear Friend, perhaps you are crying today because you haven't truly grieved the losses. Maybe the tears are your way of telling yourself you still need to....I'm sorry for your heart hurts. :grouphug:

 

Yes. I'm going through a lot of this right now as grief has been a theme in my life for the past 5 years. I'm currently working on grieving the loss of my grandma. She was my mother figure and passed away in Aug.

 

However, I've been seeing a counselor and she's helping me realize that I never really dealt with the grief when my daughter died 5 years ago. I'm working on walking through that now.

 

Grief will show up later if you don't deal with it at the time.

 

:grouphug:

[2cents]

:grouphug: Must be that kind of day. My mom just told me on the tele that she didn't know why my brother wanted her to talk to me...sigh...she has Alzheimer's but it is still a little reminiscent of the days before she had the disease and she still acted like I was invisible. Families really suck sometimes. Sorry, I'm not much help. :(

[Denisemomof4]

Yes. I'm going through a lot of this right now as grief has been a theme in my life for the past 5 years. I'm currently working on grieving the loss of my grandma. She was my mother figure and passed away in Aug.

 

However, I've been seeing a counselor and she's helping me realize that I never really dealt with the grief when my daughter died 5 years ago. I'm working on walking through that now.

 

Grief will show up later if you don't deal with it at the time.

 

:grouphug:

 

can you share here or privately how you work through this grief? I am not doing well by trying to do it myself. I'm hoping now that the holidays are over I can focus on my homeschooling and family more again, but that still isn't dealing with it.

 

I still have many things about my parents deaths I'm struggling with, and now I'm struggling to keep my mentally ill brother positive and WANTING to live. So hard.

 

I'm so sorry you lost a child. I didn't know that. I'm so very sorry.

:grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug: Must be that kind of day. My mom just told me on the tele that she didn't know why my brother wanted her to talk to me...sigh...she has Alzheimer's but it is still a little reminiscent of the days before she had the disease and she still acted like I was invisible. Families really suck sometimes. Sorry, I'm not much help. :(

 

FWIW, I had to revisit some painful childhood memories while I took care of my mother. I wasn't prepared for the old wounds that would surface due to her verbal abuse. I wish it only happened because of her dementia, but the truth is that that's how she spoke to me as a child. I was never the favorite, and yet I took her into my home when she was a complete invalid and cared for her. Best thing I ever did. I loved her so much and miss her.

 

Impish - sorry! I don't mean to hijack your thread!!!!! I guess several of us are struggling right now.

[laughing lioness]

"Working through Grief"-

experience the feelings. Express the feelings. Allow yourself to have the feelings. Realize that it's a process of letting go and releasing as well as thinking about what was significant about the event and coming to a place of acceptance about it.

In other words - not being in denial about what it means for you or telling yourself that it's o.k. or anything that's not true about it.

(the above was from my psychologist dh :)).

Also, I looked up "Grief" just recently and one of the articles that I looked up talked about our culture being a "grief denying" culture. I've had a bunch of people tell me since the fire, "well, you all got out alive." Part of it is that people don't know what to say in difficult emotional situations, but part of it could be that people minimize emotionally difficult things. That's called denial :001_smile:....

[KristenS]

Sometimes you work so hard on being strong through the hard times that you push away the emotions (grief, anger, whatever) that you would normally be feeling. Then you think you've dealt with it. Then, whammo! it hits you later, when you're not expecting it.

 

So says my counselor, who's also walking me through some things.

 

As to the how ... when I figure it out, I'll let you know. I'm *supposed* to be letting myself cry more now, instead of hold it in. And then make notes about what sets me off, so we can discuss it, and work through it.

[Denisemomof4]

"Working through Grief"-

experience the feelings. Express the feelings. Allow yourself to have the feelings. Realize that it's a process of letting go and releasing as well as thinking about what was significant about the event and coming to a place of acceptance about it.

In other words - not being in denial about what it means for you or telling yourself that it's o.k. or anything that's not true about it.

(the above was from my psychologist dh :)).

Also, I looked up "Grief" just recently and one of the articles that I looked up talked about our culture being a "grief denying" culture. I've had a bunch of people tell me since the fire, "well, you all got out alive." Part of it is that people don't know what to say in difficult emotional situations, but part of it could be that people minimize emotionally difficult things. That's called denial :001_smile:....

 

Thanks, Lisa. I do believe I've done all of the above but guess I need more time. I'm not in denial....

[Impish]

Thanks to everyone that shared, supported and prayed. I'm very grateful.

 

:grouphug: To all those who are dealing with grief. :grouphug:

 

I think part of it is that I'm grieving the loss that comes with becoming disabled, and that's really whacked me over the head recently. Its left me far more sensitive than perhaps I am normally. Far more exhausted too...yet I can't sleep much. *sigh*

 

To everyone: May the best of last year be the worst of this year :001_wub::grouphug: