Writing critiques, please

[swimmermom3]

My ds (11) was given the following assignment: Write a 5-paragraph model essay about ancient Egyptian art. Your essay will need to cover architecture, painting, and sculpture. Please be sure you include all the elements covered in "A Correct Essay." (MCT)

 

This is his unedited essay:

 

 

The Art Forms of Ancient Egypt

The Ancient Egyptian's paintings, architecture, and sculptures are what defines their civilization. By studying these art forms, you can learn a lot about Ancient Egypt.

 

The painting from Ancient Egypt conists mostly of wall paintings that were in large rooms or sprawling temples. They portrayed the gods, pharaohs, and the average workmen. Sometimes the paintings were used alongside the hieroglyphics to tell a story.

 

The Eygptians were master sculpters. They would work near the quarries and with the help of the masons, they found a block of stone that could work. The small figurines of people doing everyday things or ruling the country, were often made of ivory, wood, metal, or stone. Some of these statues were used in temples or tombs.

 

In Ancient Egypt, buildings were based off of geometric designs, like the pyramids. The palaces and houses were made of dried mud bricks. Huge, prodigious temples were built to honor the gods but the architects would first have to build a miniature model for the pharaoh's approval.

 

The painting, sculptures, and architecture relfect on how the Ancient Egyptians lived and how they will live in the afterlife. These forms of art are the building blocks of our modern era.

 

I tend to nitpick writing papers and am trying to avoid that on this assignment. What are the 5 major points that need work that you would address?

 

 

 

[Wildiris]

My ds (11) was given the following assignment: Write a 5-paragraph model essay about ancient Egyptian art. Your essay will need to cover architecture, painting, and sculpture. Please be sure you include all the elements covered in "A Correct Essay." (MCT)

 

This is his unedited essay:

 

 

The Art Forms of Ancient Egypt

The Ancient Egyptian's paintings, architecture, and sculptures are what defines their civilization. By studying these art forms, you [one] can learn a lot about Ancient Egypt.

 

The painting from Ancient Egypt conists mostly of wall paintings that were in large rooms or sprawling temples. They portrayed the gods, pharaohs, and the average workmen. Sometimes the paintings were used alongside the hieroglyphics to tell a story.

 

The Eygptians were master sculpters. They would work near the quarries and with the help of the masons, they found a block of stone that could work. The small figurines of people doing everyday things or ruling the country, were often made of ivory, wood, metal, or stone. Some of these statues were used in temples or tombs.

 

In Ancient Egypt, buildings were based off of geometric designs, like the pyramids. The palaces and houses were made of dried mud bricks. Huge, prodigious temples were built to honor the gods but the architects would first have to build a miniature model for the pharaoh's approval.

 

The painting, sculptures, and architecture relfect on how the Ancient Egyptians lived and how they will live in the afterlife. These forms of art are the building blocks of our modern era.

 

I tend to nitpick writing papers and am trying to avoid that on this assignment. What are the 5 major points that need work that you would address?

 

 

 

 

 

I do no know what rubric "A Correct Essay" follows.

 

A quick response off the cuff:

 

1. Proofread for spelling errors, grammar, etc. (This is a given for all papers, but for some reason kids just forget this step.)

 

 

2. Some examples would be helpful. What images were used, why were they used, what are their meanings, and how does this tell about ancient Egyptian life, beliefs?

 

3. Try to make the writing lively by creating pictures in the reader's mind. In fact, remember the reader when writing. It maybe a school assignment, but a reader will be listening in their mind to your writing.

 

4. The conclusion is not substantiated in the body of the essay.

 

5. The writing is a dull catalog of a topic without reflection.

 

 

My daughter dislikes the criticism I level on her papers, so take what you may from the above and discard the rest.

[swimmermom3]

Wildiris, I always value your input and I think your assessment is dead-on. There was such a gap between my expectations for this assignment and what my ds delivered that I needed another opinion.

 

Swimmer Dude is working in MCT's Essay Voyage. "A Correct Essay" is just an early assignment in the book that covers the elements in a good essay:

 

1. The thesis, which is the essay's sole focus, "is expressed in the title, introduced in the introduction, developed in the body, and brought to its highest expression in the conclusion.

 

2. The essay has 3 sections: introduction, body, conclusion. I won't go into the details here except to mention that the conclusion has to tie the loose threads of the argument into a coherent meaning.

 

3. "The essay is meaningful; it has a worthwhile thesis."

 

I suspect this paper is a result of minimal effort and/or interest. He had numerous resources to work from. For my part, I want to be sure this isn't a poorly designed assignment. Now, I'm not sure whether I have him rework it or give him a poor grade which annoys him to no end.

 

This was a writing/history/art project. We won't discuss the art.

[Wildiris]

Dear Lisa,

 

Not that you need another resource, but I am having good success with The Power of Three in Writing; Thinking in Threes. This is an amazing little book that gets to the heart of writing "good" essays. The idea of three astonishes my DD and I. We hear and see three everywhere and in all kinds of places. How the Author applies the idea of three to academic and other writing provides a good framework for writing. DD also likes Unjournaling to get writing without suffering uninspiring prompts to write about. Last, I like using 6+1 Traits of Writing if only for the student samples. Reading aloud student samples, DD understands what does not work in a piece of writing and why. For me this is an invaluable resource to demonstrate what I am looking for in a piece of writing. Most text provide samples of perfect writing, and that does not help the student much, but the "bad" pieces highlight what is missing in a piece of writing.

 

[swimmermom3]

Once again, thank you! My dh and I were just discussing the paper and my expectations. I was wondering where I could find samples of other students' essays for my ds to look at. Now I have the answer. The MCT essay examples are excellent but some of them are very advanced.

 

Warm Regards,

 

Lisa

[swimmermom3]

I just went and read the reviews for the resources you recommended. Looks like I will have more reading material for the Christmas break.:D

[Nicole M]

 

I suspect this paper is a result of minimal effort and/or interest. He had numerous resources to work from. For my part, I want to be sure this isn't a poorly designed assignment. Now, I'm not sure whether I have him rework it or give him a poor grade which annoys him to no end.

 

This was a writing/history/art project. We won't discuss the art.

 

You already have had some great responses here, but I picked up on this bit, "He had numerous resources to work from." Did he write an outline? Take notes on note cards? One mistake I made with my boys was that I did not teach them well how to unpack resources -- I thought it was obvious.

 

You might also want him to tighten up his thesis a little. It's hard to really unpack something as huge as "defines their civilization" in three paragraphs. I'm drawing a blank on how to change it, but it's something to consider. Two sentences is a bit short for an introduction.

 

I know your fella is pretty advanced, but I personally think that 11 is a little young to be developing super-thoughtful, grand-scale essays. I would have fainted dead away if either of my boys had generated this piece of writing. Fainted in ecstasy, that is. A report on the art of Ancient Egypt is really what he's got going, and that is not a bad thing. I guess I'm thinking this piece seems short for a report, but too broad a topic for a 5-paragraph essay.

 

Instead of giving him a poor grade, I would go back and look at his notes and / or outline and help him dig into the resources, for practice. I think we become good writers by rewriting. Or, you could give him the poor grade (which would stick) and still have him rewrite. I think there was a long thread about this recently on the HS board, in fact.

 

I am not sure if this helps.

[Shawna in Texas]

You already have had some great responses here, but I picked up on this bit, "He had numerous resources to work from." Did he write an outline? Take notes on note cards? One mistake I made with my boys was that I did not teach them well how to unpack resources -- I thought it was obvious.

 

You might also want him to tighten up his thesis a little. It's hard to really unpack something as huge as "defines their civilization" in three paragraphs. I'm drawing a blank on how to change it, but it's something to consider. Two sentences is a bit short for an introduction.

 

I know your fella is pretty advanced, but I personally think that 11 is a little young to be developing super-thoughtful, grand-scale essays. I would have fainted dead away if either of my boys had generated this piece of writing. Fainted in ecstasy, that is. A report on the art of Ancient Egypt is really what he's got going, and that is not a bad thing. I guess I'm thinking this piece seems short for a report, but too broad a topic for a 5-paragraph essay.

 

Instead of giving him a poor grade, I would go back and look at his notes and / or outline and help him dig into the resources, for practice. I think we become good writers by rewriting. Or, you could give him the poor grade (which would stick) and still have him rewrite. I think there was a long thread about this recently on the HS board, in fact.

 

I am not sure if this helps.

 

Yes. While I was quietly agreeing with Wildiris, I still thought it was really good. Simply because he was able to narrow down the art of Ancient Egypt. :lol:

 

What I'm working on now with dd, separate of Paragraph Town, is teaching her to research from multiple sources and to be succinct in her note-taking. She's a really great writer, but outlines are not her strong point. Her history workbook is teaching her a bit of outlining, but it's not intuitive to her. That's why I love the exercises from PT, because they're really specific and concentrated. I would probably do a little more hand-holding during the research part. I would also narrow down the resources to one or two. I give dd a grade for both her notes (not rough draft) and final drafts, so maybe start grading for productive research. :D

Edited December 1, 2009 by Shawna in Texas

[Colleen in NS]

1. The thesis, which is the essay's sole focus, "is expressed in the title, introduced in the introduction, developed in the body, and brought to its highest expression in the conclusion.

 

2. The essay has 3 sections: introduction, body, conclusion. I won't go into the details here except to mention that the conclusion has to tie the loose threads of the argument into a coherent meaning.

 

3. "The essay is meaningful; it has a worthwhile thesis."

 

I suspect this paper is a result of minimal effort and/or interest.

 

I thought what he wrote was fantastic for his age. It seemed to me like a really interesting narration (which I think is still appropriate to practice at this age, while they are learning other things), if the first and last paragraphs are taken out.

 

I think that the steps outlined above may be a bit much for this age, though. Of course, I have no idea the background you have given him in writing. The thinking part of those steps, though, seem to me to be more suited to a high school aged child. Phrases/words like "thesis," "highest expression," "tie loose ends into coherent meaning," "meaningful, worthwhile thesis", to me, don't mean much to a middle grade boy (but maybe this is just based on my own experience - like I said, I don't know what yours is like) yet.

 

I think of middle grades as the time to be helping kids learn to pick apart other people's writing (via outlining) to study how experienced authors put their sentences/paragraphs/essays together - not really a time to be trying to do that themselves, when they haven't closely examined experienced writing yet, nor when they haven't had much life experience to have a hope of coming up with "meaningful theses" etc..

 

Also, your comment about suspecting minimal effort or interest made me think that it may be a case of an 11 year old boy *trying* to follow the assignment, but not really having the experience/skills yet to be able to do that particular assignment. I don't know how to explain very well what I mean - in general, I just wondered if the expectation of that assignment is just more suited to an older child. But his actual writing? I thought it was a great narration of ancient Egyptian art. Esp. if it's truly an unedited version - his spelling/mechanics/grammar are great.

[Heather in VA]

I agree with the feedback so far. While this is a typical writing assigment that you see for this age, most kids this age haven't learned how to properly organize their knowledge and thoughts, choose key information and present it in an interesting and logical fashion.

 

From what I see I'd step back and help him develop paragraphs, not worry about a 5 paragraph essay. A 5 paragraph essay is just a form of essay, it's not really a writing skill. Anyone who has learned the skills of developing a thesis, choosing key information, organizing their ideas and writing excellent paragraphs can learn to put those skills into a 5 paragraph essay without issue.

 

What are you using to teach writing skills?

 

Heather

[LizzyBee]

My first thought was that the topic is way too broad. When I was in school, we would not have been allowed to use that topic for a 10-page paper, let alone a 1-page essay. Your ds did a good job of finding some concise, cohesive information to use. There are no transitions between the paragraphs, but perhaps he hasn't learned transitions yet.

 

I agree with Heather's suggestion to work on building paragraphs rather than essays. An essay is an analysis or opinion piece and 11 is on the young side for that. My school didn't teach essay-writing until 9th grade. We spent 7th and 8th grade doing intensive grammar and paragraph work. Actually, at age 11, I was in 6th grade. We wrote reports in 6th grade. We learned to make note cards from multiple resources and make an outline before writing the paper. We also learned how to make a bibliography, but we weren't required to do footnotes yet.

[swimmermom3]

Thanks, Nicole, for letting me know there were more responses. It's been difficult to get back here for any length of time the last few days. I appreciate the effort and thought that went into the replies. I have probably learned far more from this project than Swimmer Dude has. Overall, it's been rather humbling experience.:D

 

The project was an attempt to work with combining a writing project with an aspect of our unit on Egypt. Frankly, it was also an attempt to keep my ds in school while I was getting ready for Thanksgiving on Wednesday and handling a family issue on Monday. It was not well thought out and it shows. My ds probably did do the best he could given the assignment.

 

You already have had some great responses here, but I picked up on this bit, "He had numerous resources to work from." Did he write an outline? Take notes on note cards?

 

...I personally think that 11 is a little young to be developing super-thoughtful, grand-scale essays. A report on the art of Ancient Egypt is really what he's got going, and that is not a bad thing. I guess I'm thinking this piece seems short for a report, but too broad a topic for a 5-paragraph essay.

 

We have worked on outlining and note taking quite a bit , but I have never just turned him loose before. So, no, there were no notes or outlines. I guess we will be addressing again why those steps are so crucial. We have done some work with thesis, but not enough. Yes, you are right. Most definitely a research paper, not an essay. Actually, it's rather the kind of bone-head assignment I would have disliked immensely in school.:tongue_smilie:

 

Yes. While I was quietly agreeing with Wildiris, I still thought it was really good. Simply because he was able to narrow down the art of Ancient Egypt. :lol:

 

What I'm working on now with dd, separate of Paragraph Town, is teaching her to research from multiple sources and to be succinct in her note-taking. She's a really great writer, but outlines are not her strong point. Her history workbook is teaching her a bit of outlining, but it's not intuitive to her. That's why I love the exercises from PT, because they're really specific and concentrated. I would probably do a little more hand-holding during the research part. I would also narrow down the resources to one or two. I give dd a grade for both her notes (not rough draft) and final drafts, so maybe start grading for productive research. :D

 

Shawna, as you know, we are enjoying MCT's Voyage level. However, I think we may not be ready for Essay Voyage. My ds enjoys some of the classic essay examples, but Montaigne was over his head. After your description of PT, I'm wondering if it would be helpful to back up a level. I also like the idea of giving a separate grade for the notes. This would make sense to my grade-driven ds.

 

I thought what he wrote was fantastic for his age. It seemed to me like a really interesting narration (which I think is still appropriate to practice at this age, while they are learning other things), if the first and last paragraphs are taken out.

 

I think that the steps outlined above may be a bit much for this age, though. Of course, I have no idea the background you have given him in writing. The thinking part of those steps, though, seem to me to be more suited to a high school aged child. Phrases/words like "thesis," "highest expression," "tie loose ends into coherent meaning," "meaningful, worthwhile thesis", to me, don't mean much to a middle grade boy (but maybe this is just based on my own experience - like I said, I don't know what yours is like) yet.

 

I think of middle grades as the time to be helping kids learn to pick apart other people's writing (via outlining) to study how experienced authors put their sentences/paragraphs/essays together - not really a time to be trying to do that themselves, when they haven't closely examined experienced writing yet, nor when they haven't had much life experience to have a hope of coming up with "meaningful theses" etc..

 

Also, your comment about suspecting minimal effort or interest made me think that it may be a case of an 11 year old boy *trying* to follow the assignment, but not really having the experience/skills yet to be able to do that particular assignment. I don't know how to explain very well what I mean - in general, I just wondered if the expectation of that assignment is just more suited to an older child. But his actual writing? I thought it was a great narration of ancient Egyptian art. Esp. if it's truly an unedited version - his spelling/mechanics/grammar are great.

 

Colleen, as always, you are the voice of practical reason and have given me much to think about. I think I have lost perspective on what would be age-appropriate work. The work was his unedited work. In fact, he was annoyed because my typing skills created more spelling errors.

 

I agree with the feedback so far. While this is a typical writing assigment that you see for this age, most kids this age haven't learned how to properly organize their knowledge and thoughts, choose key information and present it in an interesting and logical fashion.

 

From what I see I'd step back and help him develop paragraphs, not worry about a 5 paragraph essay. A 5 paragraph essay is just a form of essay, it's not really a writing skill. Anyone who has learned the skills of developing a thesis, choosing key information, organizing their ideas and writing excellent paragraphs can learn to put those skills into a 5 paragraph essay without issue.

 

What are you using to teach writing skills?

 

Heather

 

Heather, I am using a combination of IEW Ancient History- Theme Based, MCT Essay Voyage, The Writer's Jungle, and Lightning Lit. (Nicole, am I hearing you chant "simplify" under your breath?) I have yet to find complete satisfaction with any writing program. IEW (which I don't like) and Lightning Lit allow me to tie writing in with "real work" in history and literary analysis. Julie Bogart with The Writer's Jungle helps me get more mileage out of copywork and dictation as well as teaching me to teach. MCT makes sense to me from an intellectual point; however, I have a difficult time turning the assignments into "real work." If my ds needs to write I want the topic to relate to something we are studying. I want the work to have a purpose. I don't want him to write a paragraph about an unusual animal unless we are studying unusual animals.

 

My first thought was that the topic is way too broad. When I was in school, we would not have been allowed to use that topic for a 10-page paper, let alone a 1-page essay. Your ds did a good job of finding some concise, cohesive information to use. There are no transitions between the paragraphs, but perhaps he hasn't learned transitions yet.

 

I agree with Heather's suggestion to work on building paragraphs rather than essays. An essay is an analysis or opinion piece and 11 is on the young side for that. My school didn't teach essay-writing until 9th grade. We spent 7th and 8th grade doing intensive grammar and paragraph work. Actually, at age 11, I was in 6th grade. We wrote reports in 6th grade. We learned to make note cards from multiple resources and make an outline before writing the paper. We also learned how to make a bibliography, but we weren't required to do footnotes yet.

 

LizzyBee, thank you for adding more grade-appropriate perspective as well.

 

After I had a chance to read everyone's comments, ds and I had hot cocoa and an interesting discussion about Egyptian art. I shared some of your feedback as well. His response was, "Mom, I'm glad you have smart people to help you out 'cause you sure needed help on that assignment .":blushing: At least he's not holding it against me.

 

Now, if anyone has suggestions on how to do a better job of creating/adapting writing assignments to our work in other subjects, I'd be grateful. Yes, Colleen in NS if you read this, I am going back to wear out a few more pages in TWTM.;)

 

With gratitude,

Lisa

[Colleen in NS]

Overall, it's been rather humbling experience.:D

 

Actually, it's rather the kind of bone-head assignment I would have disliked immensely in school.:tongue_smilie:

 

:lol: OK, so, most of us have probably BTDT - I have for sure! It's all part of parenting, I think, not just home educating.

 

After I had a chance to read everyone's comments, ds and I had hot cocoa and an interesting discussion about Egyptian art. I shared some of your feedback as well. His response was, "Mom, I'm glad you have smart people to help you out 'cause you sure needed help on that assignment .":blushing: At least he's not holding it against me.

 

Now, if anyone has suggestions on how to do a better job of creating/adapting writing assignments to our work in other subjects, I'd be grateful. Yes, Colleen in NS if you read this, I am going back to wear out a few more pages in TWTM.;)

 

Well, major kudos to you for sitting down with him and talking about it all, and to him for not holding it against you! It speaks of a good relationship - one in which he will be able to continue to learn from you, mistakes and all. My son adores some of the posters here, because of how they have helped me to ease up on some things. :D

 

Adapting writing to subjects: what I do is make a basic writing routine each week, and incorporate content area reading. So, ds' routine is M - outline, T - lit. or primary source narration, W - outline, Th - narration. If it's an outline day, I have him get a library book or encyclopedia article in something related to what he has been reading in his history or science spine books, and we pick paragraphs for him to outline. If it's a lit./primary source narration day, he picks one of his lit. books for us to discuss (chapter or whole book) and for him to write about, or he picks a primary source document to read from a particular website we have bookmarked (or library book), we discuss, and he writes about that (using WTM questions for lit. or primary source). If it's a regular narration day, he picks something science or history related (lib. book or encyclopedia article) to narrate (biography discussion questions are in WTM, too). And that's it. I take my "how to teach narration/outlining" instructions from WWE and SWB's outlining instructions from the new WTM. All discussion questions are in WTM. Any necessary grammar/sentence structure/paragraph structure skills come from our regular study of R&S English. I just make sure he incorporates things from R&S into his writing.

 

I used to try to plan more nitty gritty details of things like: history outline and narration every week, science outline and narration every week, primary source narration often, literature narration every week. It was too much and I got bogged down in thinking I had to plan particular topics every week, too. I finally changed to a "writing routine" this past summer, alternating topics within the writing routine, and incorporating reading. It makes things easier, more consistent, and more interesting for the kids. And though they write less each week in each content subject, I think they absorb more actual content because they can relax with their reading. Meanwhile, they consistently practice their writing skills, bit by bit.

 

hth

[Tree House Academy]

My first thougt is "Develop the paragraph using however many sentences it takes. Do not limit yourself to just the minimum of three sentences."

 

That said, I think you ds did well. I have a 10 y/o who is NOT a writer and this would be heads above anything he has written for me. Of course, we are not comparing kids here. If your ds is capable of more, then you have every right to expect more. :)

[swimmermom3]

:lol: OK, so, most of us have probably BTDT - I have for sure! It's all part of parenting, I think, not just home educating.

 

 

 

Well, major kudos to you for sitting down with him and talking about it all, and to him for not holding it against you! It speaks of a good relationship - one in which he will be able to continue to learn from you, mistakes and all. My son adores some of the posters here, because of how they have helped me to ease up on some things. :D

 

Adapting writing to subjects: what I do is make a basic writing routine each week, and incorporate content area reading. So, ds' routine is M - outline, T - lit. or primary source narration, W - outline, Th - narration. If it's an outline day, I have him get a library book or encyclopedia article in something related to what he has been reading in his history or science spine books, and we pick paragraphs for him to outline. If it's a lit./primary source narration day, he picks one of his lit. books for us to discuss (chapter or whole book) and for him to write about, or he picks a primary source document to read from a particular website we have bookmarked (or library book), we discuss, and he writes about that (using WTM questions for lit. or primary source). If it's a regular narration day, he picks something science or history related (lib. book or encyclopedia article) to narrate (biography discussion questions are in WTM, too). And that's it. I take my "how to teach narration/outlining" instructions from WWE and SWB's outlining instructions from the new WTM. All discussion questions are in WTM. Any necessary grammar/sentence structure/paragraph structure skills come from our regular study of R&S English. I just make sure he incorporates things from R&S into his writing.

 

I used to try to plan more nitty gritty details of things like: history outline and narration every week, science outline and narration every week, primary source narration often, literature narration every week. It was too much and I got bogged down in thinking I had to plan particular topics every week, too. I finally changed to a "writing routine" this past summer, alternating topics within the writing routine, and incorporating reading. It makes things easier, more consistent, and more interesting for the kids. And though they write less each week in each content subject, I think they absorb more actual content because they can relax with their reading. Meanwhile, they consistently practice their writing skills, bit by bit.

 

hth

 

Yep, this is why I stalk your posts, Colleen. You remind me of our pediatric nurses. I mean that in the best possible way. Remember how when your first kids were really little and the pediatrician would say, "Yes, they have the flu." Then you would go home and wonder what to do next. The pediatric nurse would hold your hand over the phone and tell you how to cope with all that effluvium. She had the practical details. You are like those fabulous nurses. You make it all doable and you are good at figuring out where that parent might be a little nervous.

 

A writing routine. Thwapp. The usual sound of my head hitting the desk when I have missed something so obvious. I have a science routine. It's our most relaxed subject. Thanks for the detailed example too. Guess what I will be working on this weekend.:tongue_smilie:

[Colleen in NS]

Yep, this is why I stalk your posts, Colleen. You remind me of our pediatric nurses. I mean that in the best possible way. Remember how when your first kids were really little and the pediatrician would say, "Yes, they have the flu." Then you would go home and wonder what to do next. The pediatric nurse would hold your hand over the phone and tell you how to cope with all that effluvium. She had the practical details. You are like those fabulous nurses. You make it all doable and you are good at figuring out where that parent might be a little nervous.

 

A writing routine. Thwapp. The usual sound of my head hitting the desk when I have missed something so obvious. I have a science routine. It's our most relaxed subject. Thanks for the detailed example too. Guess what I will be working on this weekend.:tongue_smilie:

 

You are so kind. Thank you.

 

I had one of *those* conversations with a wonderful nurse, just about two weeks ago, at midnight, on the phone. We have this wonderful new system here in Nova Scotia, where you can dial 811 and talk to a nurse, anytime day or night, about anything medically related. He/she will triage you over the phone and talk you through your concerns and help you decide whether or not to go to the hospital or what you can do to treat the problem. I called at midnight because my dd was burning with fever and ds had just started to get over it. We did end up going the next day to a clinic and getting Tamiflu for my asthmatic daughter - but that nurse stayed on the phone with me for probably 30 minutes. She even told me to put the phone down and go take dd's temp again - the nurse waited for me for those 4 minutes or so.

 

I got the writing routine idea from SWB - her writing workshops at the Williamsburg conference were fabulous. Made my life a whole lot easier.

[amtmcm]

The painting, sculptures, and architecture relfect on how the Ancient Egyptians lived and how they will live in the afterlife. These forms of art are the building blocks of our modern era.

 

 

You have great feedback from the other posters and your son's writing is excellent. The only comment I didn't see is about introducing a new concept in his conclusion. His conclusion mentions "the afterlife" - this is a good point and should be mentioned in the introduction and supported in the body of the essay. New information shouldn't appear in the conclusion of an essay.

 

My DD struggles with the same issue (and she's a year or two older) so I watch for it in her papers.