Dealing with aging parent

[sparrow]

I am at my wit's end with my 74 year old mother. She has dealt with GI issues for most of her life that have worsened over the past decade. She goes through cycles of weak appetite and severe stomach pain/bloating. She has at least two autoimmune disorders, that we know of and Parkinson's disease. Her diet is horrible, as in Pringles qualify as a vegetable.

 

We're in one of her pain cycles. She is weak, not eating, and painful. I took a day off homeschooling to take her to the doctor last week. The doctor orders tests for getting to the bottom of this and AGAIN, she's feeling slightly better and won't go in for the tests due to "the flu" (afraid she'll catch it at the hospital). My dad called me last night to ask for dosing on Maalox because she's going through "one of her spells". Maalox, of course, doesn't help much.

 

This could be sooooo many things. It could be related to her autoimmune stuff, diverticulitis (diagnosed before), ulcer, cancer, you name it, but she refuses to get help. I am SO tired of this and my dad is, too. She has lost about 20 pounds in this pain cycle. I am ready to say, "I cannot stand by and watch you die. Until you get help, for my own sanity, I need to remove myself from the situation." I don't want to do that to her.

 

Don't know what I'm asking for. I guess I just needed to type this out. Has anyone dealt with this with a parent? I mean, she's an adult. She can make her own decisions, but her decisions are affecting our whole family :(.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Yep, I am living something similar. My mom has a gazillion health issues. She rarely did what she was supposed to and has suffered the consequences. Right now, she is suffering from congestive heart failure, partially due to atrial fibrillation. Now she can't help the atrial fibs, but there are so many other contributing factors that she could help. Due to the complications from her many other somewhat preventable, or at least manageable problems, she does nothing but sit in front of the TV all day. She is now too weak to go down to dinner at her retirement home so she has to order it brought up. She is lonely because she has no one to talk to because she has made herself so isolated. I do what I can, but I simply cannot be there every day. I will be taking her to 6 doctors appointments in the next 4 weeks.

 

It used to drive me around the bend (and it still does make my sisters crazy.) I guess when I was the one trying to take care of her after her pelvic fracture I sort of hit the wall. Mom wanted to go home and die rather than be stuck in a nursing home. Also, we found out about some growths in her abdomen. We were told that it was highly likely that it was ovarian cancer. I had to face the fact that we could lose her in months and it would not be a happy passing. I somehow learned to have more compassion and be less invested in the outcome. Well, I got some help with the homeschooling, visited her in the rehab center every day and cheered her on through the very painful physical therapy. I saw my mom go from having no desire to live due to the pain to being joyful at being released from the rehab/nursing home. This was 2 years ago. I am starting to look at every day with her being a blessing rather than just waste energy being frustrated.

 

I don't really have any answers for you. Your mom's situation sounds terribly frustrating. I pray you find some peace in this situation.

[Impish]

Its hard. MIL lives in another province, which is both a blessing and a curse. We have suspected in the past that her cognitive abilities aren't what they should be...and the woman still drives! She's in her early 80s, still drives, lives alone...and it scares the heck out of us. We've even *gulp* offered to have her move in with us while she finds another apartment (advice given by the Alzheimer's Society. Don't have her live here, because she won't get diddly in terms of services, or being on a facility wait list, but if she's on her own, she'd get immediate home care, etc). She yo-yo'd us around on that for a while, first yes, then no, then yes, then only yes if Wolf would take a week off work in the beginning of the season to pack her and move, then no because he wasn't willing to put his job in jeopardy for her. Then it was yes, then no because I don't keep my house clean enough, and the children were too loud and unruly.

 

Wolf's done all that he can for the moment. Made calls, etc. We cannot force her to move, or to do anything.

 

In the meantime, we pray that she doesn't kill anyone while behind the wheel, or set fire to her apartment.

[sparrow]

Oh, thank you for your responses :001_smile:. I needed to vent this afternoon and hear from others that have been there and done that. It is hard.

 

I saw my mom today and actually managed to get through to her! She was telling me not to worry and I asked her to put herself in my shoes. If she saw ME losing 20 pounds, becoming weak, depressed, and in pain could she make herself not worry? That got through to her....oh, and the fact that I've been having having stomach pain due to worry. She's going to go through with the tests!

 

Thanks, again, for the thoughts.

[OrganicAnn]

I've heard that sometimes going to a gerontologist (doctor specializing in older people) is a good move for many people. They deal with people who have multiple medical problems and also deal with shall we say cantankerous personalities.