Forgiveness and regaining trust

[AuntieM]

Okay, say you have gotten into a bru-ha-ha with another, and they have wronged you. You talk through it, and are willing to offer forgiveness. You truly do not hold a grudge (or don't think you do!) and are willing to consider the incident water under the bridge and proceed freshly from that point.

 

Where does regained trust factor in?

 

Though I believe this person and I have reached an understanding, I feel as though I still need some time to process and regain a trustworthy feeling towards her. Is this, then, not showing true forgiveness?

 

The conversation was this morning. I said that I forgave her. I meant it. She wanted to pray about it. I said yes, I would pray about it. But she meant right then, over the phone. I suggested she go ahead. When she was done, I thanked her, but did not add to or join her in praying at that time.

 

So, am I a bad person? Have I truly forgiven her? Am I just fooling myself that I need some time on this, or am I making excuses? I kinda feel like she was beating me up with the praying. As a Christian, should I ever feel that way?

 

The whole ordeal has left me feeling really crummy, but a trifle manipulated as well. I do want to practice Biblical forgiveness, but I also need to stand my ground regarding certain issues surrounding her contact with my children. I feel like I need some time to see if she's gonna do it again, kwim?

 

And, given my personality type, I am not one to gush out the love... next time I see her, it will be a bit of a struggle to carry on as though nothing has happened, but I will really be trying harder than it may appear. I will not avoid her and I certainly will not be unkind. But I will be wary.

 

Sorry this is vague. Like I said, I am just wondering about how full the forgiveness is if one still feels the need to "wait and see." Your insights are appreciated.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Think of it this way. When you forgive someone, you are not casting the blame their way anymore. You are in a sense, wiping the slate clean. But when you first met someone - with a clean slate - you didn't start out trusting them with more intimate "heart" issues. You had to build up to that. It's the same even when you've known someone for a long time. If they've broken your trust in some way - even if you forgive them - they still need to rebuild trust in that one area.

 

It would be foolish to trust someone with a gossip problem (for example) with a juicy personal tidbit. Not just because they need to build up trust, but because they've demonstrated a sinful tendency toward that sin and you'd be putting temptation in their way.

[lionfamily1999]

I think Jean said it very well. :iagree:

[Aubrey]

I find that I have a hard time praying w/ someone if I'm still angry, but if I'll go ahead & pray--something changes. Something that I couldn't really have reached on my own.

 

That doesn't mean that everything is suddenly ok...but...maybe it's like you can feel the Lord working forgiveness out in you.

 

Not to be overly-convoluted about it. Sometimes the whole process of forgiveness gets drug out &...I don't know. Over-analyzed, maybe.

[Kathleen in VA]

I think you can forgive someone and still need time to reestablish trust. Trust is earned. Forgiveness is freely given. Depending on how much she wronged you, it may be awhile before you can let your guard down. If she is truly a manipulative person, there may never be a time when you can trust her again.

 

The benefit she gets from your forgiveness is that you will treat her with kindness, not talk negatively about her, not hold a grudge or refuse to talk to her, etc. You are not required to resume a friendship with her - just not be spiteful and hateful towards her. If she wants to resume your friendship she should be prepared to be patient and certainly not make any demands. I'm not sure about the praying part - it depends on what she said. Some prayers are said in a way that makes them seem more like sermons to those listening rather than a conversation with God.

 

Bottom line, you do not need to feel crummy - you are not a bad person or a bad Christian. By choosing not to hold the wrongdoing against her you have shown that you forgive her. That does not mean that you have to pick up where you left off or be best buds or anything.

[OnTheBrink]

Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different animals. When you forgive, you no longer hold the offense against them. However, it doesn't mean it's all ok. Trust has to be rebuilt. Keeping an attitude of forgiveness toward this person and an attitude of grace will help you not to revert back into the groove of plainly mistrusting them. Take baby steps and continually remind yourself that you've forgiven this person and don't view their actions through the lens of mistrust. Meaning, don't ascribe the same negative motives to them for everything they do, convincing yourself they're repeating the offense when they aren't.

 

It takes time, but trust can be rebuilt. Love hopes in all things, believes in all things, and takes no account of wrongs suffered. Now, if you see a legitimate pattern of behavior with no repentance, you're not wrong in severing the relationship, but you would be wrong to bear a grudge and to not have a forgiving attitude.

 

I hope that made sense.