Teen Lying Habit - solutions

[74Heaven]

I have a 17yo dtr who has always struggled with lying.

 

It has gotten worse and worse and it involves everything - everything from cell phone lying [no I didn't text at all last week, erases all call histories - has over 100 texts that week on the phone bill when it comes - yes we know how to check it online sooner]... yes I cleaned my room, '' no I didn't eat Dad's diet ice cream sandwiches, I don't know why it was in the garbage in my room'', no I wasn't checking my email last night at 11pm [computer history says she was], ''no that was a regular shift at work, I wasn't a volunteer sub shift - it has been on the calendar for a week'' [no it wasn't, it is in a new pen color just added yesterday], yes I did the dishes, no I didn't wear your new blue shirt you just got 2 days ago [''I don't know how it got stuffed under my winter boots in the corner of my closet''].. No I didn't create a facebook page w/o your permission [but there is such a page that is obviously hers...]

 

etc etc etc

 

The good thing is... most of the crimes are minor and we feel confident we know where she is, who she is with, what she is doing [in general] virtually 24/7. IOW, she is not out doing really bad or worrisome things.....

 

The second good thing is... she is a horrible liar - not skilled at covering her trail - really hardly even trying to cover her trail.

 

The question - what do we do. Now I have no doubt that we have a certain failure as parents - in that we have prob. put too severe consequences on her actions in the past and not enough positive reinforcement for truth. We are pretty strict but not overly so..

 

The problem is worsening by the moment.

 

Also, we feel we can't trust her, so we've taken away texting by blocking it, refused to let her take her computer to school because she was spending time on facebook at school instead of studying or doing research ''as she told us she was doing'', refused to let her drive the car - because we feel we can't trust her - and we ''have to'' limit her freedoms since we can't trust her.

 

The biggest problem is that nothing she says is trustworthy. So I end up frustrated because I go to get a shirt, or a book or a tool, or even a snack - and end up finding it missing and in her room - and she denies it.

 

I know teens tend to lie and that it is a maturity process as well as a sin but this problem is increasing and seems hopeless...

 

lisaj,

[Pamela H in Texas]

It is quite unfortunate that it is this late and this extreme. However, I think I'd handle it the same as I would with a 10yr old. Don't encourage lying, just fixing. She'll probably be THANKFUL (though probably not outwardly) that you just make her handle things.

 

So when she eats something that was someone else's, she pays for it. There is no discussion about if she took it or how the trash got in her room. It is simply, "you need to pay your father 50cents for that ice cream sandwich." When she puts something extra on the schedule, she'll simply have to find her own way there. It is your responsibility to help her to PLANNED events, but again, there is no discussion about it. It comes down to, "I was unaware of those work hours so will be unable to take you." Alternatively, if it's just outputting but you CAN do it, she can pay (extra) for those times (but I think finding her own way may send more of a message).

 

The other thing we do with young children is to have them own up to what they have done. She may not WANT to, but she is CAPABLE of saying "I was wrong to take your shirt without asking." If she truly is sorry, she can say sorry instead. Again, this can be done without discussion. Just let her know that you would like to hear her own up or say she's sorry and then walk away. It is her responsibility to come to you when she's ready. This is going to be HARD though if she's not used to it. It is REALLY tough to swallow your pride and admit you were wrong even if you're just doing it so life can go on, not that you really cared about the original situation. It would be nice if she got into that habit at 6, not 17, but....

 

I don't know if this helps. My 14yo has a bit of trouble owning up to things, but he comes along. It's hard on him emotionally though. The 6yo lies A LOT (but it's been modeled to him A LOT also). We just push through to finding a solution to the original issue instead of engaging in the problem behavior. I hope he'll remediate by the time he's 17 but some people just are more apt to lie if you can't reach the heart (which is one more idea--handle it from a moral or spiritual position in a safe, not in the moment, manner).

 

HTHs a little...

[myfunnybunch]

My advice...stop asking. I don't mean stop dealing with the behaviors. Stop offering opportunities to lie. Instead of asking, "Did you...?", describe the behavior or what you saw. Describe the reasonable conclusion you've come to. Tell her your expectation. If the problem continues, add a consequence.

 

If your shirt is missing, don't ask if she has it, look for it in her room. If it's there, say "I found my shirt in your room. It is clear to me that you wore it. I would like you to stay out of my closet." If it continues, "I asked you not to wear my clothing. If you continue to wear my clothing, I will ask you to buy me a new one/lock the closet/make my room off limits to you."

 

"I noticed a wrapper from dad's ice cream in your trash. Those ice cream bars are just for dad because of his dietary restrictions. Please eat such-and-such ice cream instead or buy your own ice cream." If it continues, "I asked you not to eat dad's ice cream. I will expect you to pay for any of dad's ice cream that you eat in the future."

 

I would also suggest, especially if she is not doing bad or worrisome things, that you come up with some reasonable freedoms, whatever that looks like to you and her. She's 17, maturing into a young adult. She may need to sit down with you and her dad and say, "I would like to go on the computer after 10:00/text friends once in a while/have a Facebook account," and work with you to find a balance between her wishes and your boundaries. I hope that makes sense. She is less likely to lie to you if it's approached as a problem to be solved and she knows that you're willing to compromise and hear her. I have a very sensitive dd who struggles with advocating for herself, and it has sometimes spilled over into lying because she was afraid she would not be listened to--easier to lie than to ask and risk a "no." NOT okay to lie, but that's where she was in that time, so we met her there and coached and encouraged more appropriate ways to get her needs met.

 

Hope that makes sense. I must go to teach a math lesson, so no time to proofread.

 

Cat

[twilkin]

Teenagers!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Another old post resurrected.