Does anyone else have a son that regulary hurts their sibling during play?

[lulubelle]

My 7 ds is going to send me to an early grave. I feel like I go on a roller coaster with him. He does really well for some time, then starts to misbehave, then I give consequences and nothing changes for another amount of time and then he see's that he really needs to change his ways to get what he wants and starts to do better again and then it starts all over again. I see that he is capable of making better choices and control himself, but it never lasts! For example: just a few days ago my younger son was playing and went over to this 7 ds and grabbed him from behind while he was kneeling at the couch playing with legos. Ds 7 does not like to be taken by surprise nor does he like to be in the defense of a situation - he wants complete control - he almost immediately stood up with great force and made my younger son bite his tongue so hard it bled is a few places where he bit into it. This is the most extreme example, but I would say 9 times out of 10 my ds 5 is getting hurt in play with his older brother. I have said playing is playing not hurting a million times. Is this ever going to change?

[Snickerdoodle]

Your younger son should not have come from behind on the older. To say that that the older needs to be in complete control and then reacted violently is a bit harsh for this particular situation. I certainly wouldn't like someone to grab my bum while I was bent over.

 

How much active, hard physical play do your boys get? I always say that my boys need to really be living on the farm with many chores. IMO, they need to be stacking wood, feeding and tending animals and generally just earning their keep.

 

Since I don't have that luxury, I make sure that I run (up and down the street if need be) them like a pack of wolves. I always notice that when I run them hard they are always more calm during their down times.

[lgm]

For example: just a few days ago my younger son was playing and went over to this 7 ds and grabbed him from behind while he was kneeling at the couch playing with legos. Ds 7 does not like to be taken by surprise nor does he like to be in the defense of a situation - he wants complete control - he almost immediately stood up with great force and made my younger son bite his tongue so hard it bled is a few places where he bit into it. QUOTE]

 

The natural reaction to a suprise grab is fight or flight. Probably couldn't flee b/c of couch.

 

Younger one needs to learn to respect older and to communicate his intentions with words. At 5, he should be learning to keep his hands to himself, unless it's a mutually agreed upon activity that you allow (wrestling, whatever).

 

Does younger get enough contact and activity for his sensory needs? I notice even with my 11 yr old that he still needs more occasionally, so if older sib is not around to wrestle with, I have him move books or boxes from one floor to another (since we don't have wood to chop and store).

[JudoMom]

I agree with the previous posters that in the above example, your younger son shouldn't have grabbed your older son. I really don't like to be startled and would've reacted much the same way as your older son.

 

Boys tend to be physical and need outlets for this energy. We allow wrestling (no hitting, kicking, or biting, and no physical fights to settle disagreements). Think of a pack of puppies, and you've got a good picture of how my boys behave at times. If boys are willingly engaging in this behavior and get injured, I don't take it too seriously and point out that if they wrestle, they are taking a chance on getting hurt. The older guys are gentler with the younger guys than they are with each other, but they all know the risks of wrestling & physical horseplay. They are expending energy and testing their physical abilities, and I think it's perfectly natural.

 

I've also been known to send them outside and to run laps around the backyard to burn energy when they are lacking self-control.

[abbeyej]

Does your older son have any other sensory issues? Does he spill things a lot or break things "accidentally" or bump into things? Does his misjudge the weight of things he goes to pick up (imagine times when you've reached for a gallon of milk that you thought was full, only to discover it's nearly empty, and the mismatch in the force you use and what is called for)?

 

Do both of your boys get regular physical activity -- like every day, enough to exhaust them and leave them breathless?

 

First thing, it sounds like *maybe* the older might have sensory issues that make judging where his body is in the world and the amount of strength he has someone challenging. If so, there are ways to help him with that.

 

But also, it sounds like both boys need a much greater physical outlet -- and probably a very controlled and strenuous one! Like very disciplined martial arts, or swimming (not just splashing around, but really working), possibly gymnastics (with a good coach who is very disciplined -- not just any teenager with some gymnastics background)... Something they can do at least 2-3 times a week and that demands physical and mental focus, and leaves them tired. It will help them gain a better understanding of where their bodies are in the world, and how to control their own actions, and give them an outlet for some of that excess energy. And if you wear them out a bit, they'll be less likely to lose control and unleash rogue energy on whatever happens to be nearby (each other, the dishes, the couch, the lamp on the end-table)...

 

In addition to a structured physical activity, of course they need lots of physical, active play in an environment where they aren't likely to be destructive with their energy. I'd send them out for lots of outdoor play, and try to make that conducive by giving them a rope to climb on, shovels to dig with, a soccer ball to kick around, old boards or bricks to build with, etc.

 

I'd also give consequences that are physically related for signs of fractiousness or excessive energy... Run around the outside of the house 10 times, or run between the backdoor and the tree at the back of the yard 10 times, or carry this pile of bricks one-by-one to the other side of the house, or carry these buckets of water to... Whatever. But work to refocus that energy.

[lulubelle]

Thanks, I like the physical activity as a consequence! I think the older does have some real sensory issues. They do swimming a couple times a week as well as karate. I think I need some more rigorous activity built into our day at home. I do allow them to wrestle, which led to my younger grabbing the older over the shoulders (not the bottom). Thanks for the input - it is very helpful!

[abbeyej]

...I do allow them to wrestle...

 

You know, I have *no* philosophical issue with brothers rough-housing with each other. I think it *can* be a great outlet and good for bonding overall and help them learn the difference between good play and bad fighting, etc.

 

*But* since you know that they aren't able to make that differentiation right now, I would pretty strictly limit that sort of play right now. My best advice would be to say that they can only engage in that sort of play with Daddy. Never on their own, only with Daddy (and Daddy will need to be vigilant about his own behavior and keeping things to a level that's playful to both boys), and only when Daddy has agreed (no leaping on Daddy while he's paying the bills)... I wouldn't allow them to wrestle or engage in rough physical play without his presence right now -- it's obviously not working -- but I think practicing that kind of play *with* him (or a trustworthy uncle or grandpa) could be beneficial to both of your boys.

[BMW]

I have lots of boys... a couple of them hurt the others regularly.

 

One has sensory issues with true adhd. I will not allow him to wrestle because he cannot use good judgment (he has knocked out a brother...completely knocked out!!). Actually, because of this and because my boys are all close in age, NO one is allowed to wrestle.

 

The other son who hurts others does so with either a mean spirit (bullying) or takes playing too far/makes poor choices. It is a heart issue with him. And he does go through behavior cycles like you mention... makes good choices, uses self control, behaves a while, then wham-o, misbehaves a lot. Usually there is something going on with him that is unspoken... hurt feelings he's stewed over, a bad/sad memory, etc. I am not a softy when it comes to bullying or misbehaving that is taken out on others. When he goes through these times two things have to happen in our home. One, he cannot play unattended. He has to stay where I am for at least a week, even longer sometimes, until I know he is back in "behaving" mode. Two, I try to reach his heart and get him expressing his struggle and grief (his mom died a few years ago). When he gets a good cry out of his system, his behavior changes. He needs lot of lovin.

 

Anyway, I, too, really like the reminder to keep boys physically active!! We started homeschool (this is week 3) and I really push the academics and I think my boys will do better if they get out and run a few minutes each hour!!!