Any advice or book recommendations on handling our parents as they age?

[rafiki]

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[Impish]

Sorry, no advice, since our preferred treatment of our parents is to avoid if possible.

 

I wish you all the best. :grouphug:

[i.love.lucy]

Deep. DEEP in the midst of this right now. Our situation is with DH's parents as his dad specifically is going down hill fast. They are retired school teachers living on a fixed income and can't afford nursing home or assisted living care. We are thinking of having them move in with us, but need to research before we even bring up the subject. We are in the midst of (hopefully) renegotiating our mortgage and so the financial aspects are complicated.

 

I do know that a friend of mine just lost her mother and it was said that it would have been great if she had been on the mother's bank account so that the bank could release the funds, to pay for expenses surrounding her death. But as soon as the bank was presented with the death certificate they froze the assets to await probate, which can take a while.

 

I'd start googling. I remember a while ago finding an attorney who had a bunch of information on his website. I think I googled "texas elder estate planning" or something like that.

 

:grouphug: As you go through this.

[elise1mds]

As mentioned, being on the bank account is a very, very good thing just in case there is an emergency. Both my sister and I are on my mom's accounts. (My mom's family has a history of dying very suddenly.) My husband has power of attorney for his grandmother since his mother is... we'll say unreliable... and the other son is still living in Australia. Trusts may also be worth looking into. Living wills are good things to have. Also make sure that the doctors have the DNR/DNI (do not rescusitate/do not intubate) form on file if you wind up filling one out because if they don't have it on file, they can't enact it; copies that you bring from home may not be accepted. They may need originals. Make sure you have a will and that it is up to current legal standards and definitely have an attorney go over it with you to make sure that it will stand up to any sort of challenge. You also may want to talk about pre-planning funeral arrangements or at least writing down what they'd like to have done. If your parents are anything like my grandmother, they may also want you to make a catalog of some of the items in their homes with a list of who, ideally, these items should go to after they pass. This may or may not be attached to the will, depending on their wishes and how you think the family will react after the person passes.

 

As for bringing it up, don't be afraid. Likely they have thought about it and have been too worried to bring it up to you because they don't want you being worried about losing them. I don't envy you having to do it, but after watching my uncle's very large farming estate go through YEARS of probate because he died intestate, I know it's a good thing to make these plans! (((HUGS)))

[justamouse]

We're in the same boat here. It's a miry mud, no?

[Denisemomof4]

Dh lost his dad 3 years ago, his mom is not in good shape, and my mom has gone down hill drastically this year. I believe his mom has a WILL, but I'm not aware of any power of attorney or living will wishes. My mom wants me to go with her to her bank to be added to her account. I've never heard of this. I'm also not sure if she has a will or power of attorney. So we have a lot to discuss with our parents, but want to educate ourselves a bit first. How do you bring this up to your parents? Any specific things we need to cover and research? Any thing we should avoid or be sure to do? This is hard, we didn't think we'd reach this stage for another decade or two.

 

Yes, I have advice. My husband and I have spent the past three years caring for my parents and his mother. We have a ton of experience.

 

First of all, who is likely to be the caretaker in your family if one of the parents need help? Or will they be put in an establishment? It's very important to determine this. It's also very important to know WHO they want in charge of their business. My father left my sister in charge because she was the oldest, but she did NOT have the skills to carry out any task outside of being in charge of my mother medically. It was a nightmare. I love my sister, but putting her in charge was an awful mistake on my father's part. Anyway, I ended up bringing my mother here to care for her (long story) and with my sister as the DPOA, it made things tricky. We worked together and made it through (mom passed away 7/5) but it was very, very stressful at times. So first recommendation would be to talk to your siblings and dh's siblings. See if anyone is willing to be caretaker, or see if all are on board with you being caretaker. Whomever the caretaker will be should have medical POA. This will avoid many issues.

 

If mom or dad will be going into a nursing home, who will they make in charge of their decisions?

 

Everyone involved NEEDS to get a will done. Everything needs to be in writing, and the best time to do this is now, BEFORE it's too late and all the kids are left arguing over how they want things done. Put someone in charge and have everything written out so that nobody can do what their hearts desire is, the wishes of the parent will be spelled out.

 

DO have someone's name on the bank account. My mother's assets (dad died a year ago) have been frozen and once again, dh an I had to pay for all her expenses (did with my MIL, even though dh has millionaires in his family..... they couldn't part with their most precious commodity :rant: so we had to take care of it. We also did with dad) since all her assets were frozen. In fact, we're dealing with B of A, the WORST BANK IN THE WORLD, and our attorney is FED UP because the assets are still frozen 11 weeks later, no end in sight, and dh and I still are owed for all her expenses. We'll probably never get our money back from MIL.

 

I'm sure there's more........ I had a rough day yesterday when people were asking how my mother was doing. :crying: It was our first homeschool meeting and I hadn't kept my acquaintance friends up to par on my situation. I didn't sleep all night.

[Mom2GirlsTX]

Just wanted to say I feel for you. I have been through it with both my parents (now deceased) and then with dh parents (who are now deceased).

 

It is just hard, you love them so much and you have to assume the roll of the parent. You really do need to have a durable POA in order to handle your mothers affairs if she should become incompetent. Being on the checking account is a very good start. If your mother is mentally competent, now is the time to get her affairs in order. Talk with your mother about what are her wishes should she become ill? Life support? Would she want to be resucitated if she was in a vegatative state, etc?

 

Talk honestly with your mother and tell her that you want to honor her wishes and know what she wants now. Write them down (in case you might forget) and get her to put everything in a Medical Power of Attorney.

 

Also if she feels comfortable, talk with her about assigning you POA in the event she should become mentally incompetent.

 

I still remember the day I had to take my mothers car keys away from her and tell her she could not drive anymore. She was so angry with me, so very angry. It had to be done, she was cruising through solid red lights, turnign the wrong way on left turns (turning right) and it was just horrible.

 

I have been there, it is not easy, but I was fortunate in that both my parents had given me POA so I was able to use it (never needed it with my Dad).

 

A POA can make your mothers and your life much easier in the event she becomes unable to make her own decisions.

 

Hugs

[Stacie]

I advise you to have your mom put you as a joint account holder, and not set you up as a beneficiary POD (payable on death). You can pay her bills for her if she becomes ill and is unable to access her funds in person. Otherwise you'll likely have to go to court to get a judge's orders to release her money to pay her doctor/hospital/care/household bills. And if she passes away, as stated before the financial institutions will freeze her assets until probate or settlement of estate, or later as they like to hang onto the money as long as they can. I've been there recently. It's not fun.

[adams101]

When my grandmother died, several years ago, my parents added me to their bank account. Mom also told me where the will and the key to the safe deposit box is. She made sure I am on the list for the safe deposit box too. There is a copy of the will in there also. They did not add my brother for several reasons. One, they don't trust him. I'm not even sure he knows I am on the account. DH works for the same company as my dad, so getting that part of it will be easier than trying to figure it out myself. This company is good to the surviving members of the family. Also, there will be a retirement, life insurance, etc. from the company to deal with. They are considering changing their will to appoint me instead of my grandfather. He is still alive, but they wrote it when we were very small, so they may change it to me. Dh's grandfather, we found out recently, does not have a will. Dh urged him to get one done, but I don't know that he has. He is 91 and still lives by himself. There is a medical power of attorney that Dh encouraged him to do last year when he was very sick. Dh's uncle is the person on that. I dread him dying because I know it will be a fight and Dh will be drug into the middle of it.:glare: He has 5 kids who are waiting for him to die so they can get his money.