Help - anyone with a college gifted student?

[gevs4him]

Daughter is 18 in college 2nd year(has pushed herself so hard that she will be a Jr. come winter break) she is already 1 year ahead of her pers. - on deans list all 1st year with stright A's. She is so stressed out this year because she might get a B in a class. Tonight she had a major melt down because she feels she is not going to do well on a test tomorrow. Then her computer broke - end of the world because she did not have all her work backed up. At times I just don't know how to deal with her giftedness.This is not a brag - I really would like some advice on how to help her destress. It breaks my heart to see her so upset.

Thanks

Lisa

Edited September 9, 2009 by gevs4him
spelling

[OrganicAnn]

That is not because of giftedness per se (not that she isn't gifted). That is perfectionism and fear of failure. That type of stress can happen with kids that aren't gifted.

 

My mom who raised 3 gifted kids said it was good for kids to received a bad (as in C or worse) in high school so that they knew if wasn't the end of the world.

 

I would find relaxation techniques. Also find ways to help her look at the big picture. You ask people what grade they received on any test or paper in college 10 years later. Or what is the worse thing that would happen if she bombed the test etc. How would she recover from that. What are ways she could cope with the worse thing. I'm sure there are places you can get more advice about relaxation techniques and putting things in perspective.

Edited September 9, 2009 by OrganicAnn

[AndyJoy]

I can certainly sympathize--with your daughter!:D This was SO me. I got my only non-A (a B+) during my 2nd semester of college. I was very calm when I told my mom about it over the phone, but it bugged me for quite some time. She told me how impressed she was with how well I handled it, and said she always wished I would have gotten a B in high school so she could talk me through it if I had a meltdown!

 

I used to stress so much over tests and assignments that I would feel physically ill sometimes. I'm not sure how much talking to her would help. For me, I just had to reach a point where I decided what was most important to me and what my priorities were. I think part of what helped me was getting a boyfriend. While I didn't slack off, I began to obsess less about perfection and focus on just doing well at more things. When I looked back, I COULD have gotten an A in that class if I had done the extra credit assignment provided and spent a bit more time studying for weekly quizzes, but I decided to use that time doing other things. For me, it was helpful to realize that while I COULD have gotten that A, in the long run, having strong friendships/relationships was more important than that one grade.

[Storm Bay]

I agree that this is perfectionism and fear of failure. Not all gifted dc have this, and not all work up to their potential or even bother to do their work, so they don't all get A's. This is not to say that your dd isn't gifted, but to help put this in perspective.

 

I also agree that she needs to learn how to handle failure (however she defines it.) She's learned a valuable, albeit hard, lesson about backing up what she has on her computer.

 

Even geniuses have to deal with failure and mistakes. How about Einstein? Or Sophie Germain? She did something no mathematician before her was able to do, but made some mistakes that weren't corrected for decades, and there's no question she was gifted (taught herself math, including diffential calculus).

[gevs4him]

Thank you AndyJoy for being kind and sharing your experience. It is nice to have a helpful response. To clarify things dd was tested gifted, years ago. And has always worked hard to achieve top grades in all subjects. She strides to be her very best at everything she does, not just school because she feels that is how life should roll. At school - she will finish in 3 years with a double major Technical English and Paralegal - then take her L Sats and go on to Law School. This is why she feels she must archive the highest grades she can. Besides keeping her scholarships which were received for her academic honors. We do feel meditation could help and she is checking into yoga - she does exercise three times a week and is active on the local fire department. She also is in the Law Fraternity and English Honors Fraternity where she holds positions and does have friendships. She has been with the same boyfriend for almost 3 years and they go to church bible studies together with plans to marry before she starts Law school. And as far as backing up her school work she does, but it was the paper that she was working on and her photos from her brothers birthday party this past week end that troubled her the most. By the way she already has finished the paper on the family computer, but we were told yesterday that it is the hard drive so don’t plan on recovering the photos.

Blessings

Lisa

[lgm]

When I had that scenario (Engineering) I looked at it not as dealing with stress, but as improving my ability to deal with challenge. It is helpful to outline what one needs to do to maximize learning and also to get the grade...then decide if one can do it in the allotted time. If the goal can't be met, the choices are drop and repeat, or stay and repeat, or accept the B and move on while keeping all other courses at A level.

 

Test panic - if underprepared and in panic mode, exercise is good. When calm, fill in the short term memory and then take steps to see that one is prepared for next time. Is the grading scheme such that a B on one test will sink a person for the semester?

[Pamela H in Texas]

A couple thoughts:

 

1) she'll learn to back up her work. This is a good thing. I would just let her feel it. Guide her through thinking out how often she should do back ups. Ask her what methods she would like to use. Gift her with a flash drive.

 

2) Honestly, the thing that helped me chill out the most was getting my first C. I worked hard for that class but just couldn't do better. The counselor refused to let me drop because I didn't have an A. I think it was a blessing :) It will be character building for her to be less than perfect.

 

3) DON"T feed into it. Stay as nonchalant as possible. She needs you "there" but not "involved." You don't want to be part of the problem.

Edited September 11, 2009 by 2J5M9K

[gevs4him]

Test panic - if underprepared and in panic mode, exercise is good. When calm, fill in the short term memory and then take steps to see that one is prepared for next time. Is the grading scheme such that a B on one test will sink a person for the semester?

 

:iagree: very good advice - I do not think so because most of her classes or pretty balanced as far as quizes, bookwork, in class perticipation, and tests. Sometimes they will even let a student do extra credit. She just really needs to :chillpill:.

Thanks

Lisa

[love2read]

My oldest son is academically gifted in math and English and he was like that in college too. He ended up taking fewer classes first semester his junior year, when he was just 19, and he got a part time job. He still graduated a year ahead of his peers and the change was good for him. There is not a great benefit to graduating early. As a matter of fact, there is probably a disadvantage the way the world is now. I have another one coming up that is gifted and we are focusing heavily on having her develop talents and skills that aren't academically related.

 

I've been through college with three children now and my advice is to have her drop a course or two since she should still have time, and have her volunteer, take piano or voice lessons, join the community theater, get a job, etc. They grow up a lot between the ages of 18 and 20.

[Cammie]

Thank you AndyJoy for being kind and sharing your experience. It is nice to have a helpful response. To clarify things dd was tested gifted, years ago. And has always worked hard to achieve top grades in all subjects. She strides to be her very best at everything she does, not just school because she feels that is how life should roll. At school - she will finish in 3 years with a double major Technical English and Paralegal - then take her L Sats and go on to Law School. This is why she feels she must archive the highest grades she can. Besides keeping her scholarships which were received for her academic honors. We do feel meditation could help and she is checking into yoga - she does exercise three times a week and is active on the local fire department. She also is in the Law Fraternity and English Honors Fraternity where she holds positions and does have friendships. She has been with the same boyfriend for almost 3 years and they go to church bible studies together with plans to marry before she starts Law school. And as far as backing up her school work she does, but it was the paper that she was working on and her photos from her brothers birthday party this past week end that troubled her the most. By the way she already has finished the paper on the family computer, but we were told yesterday that it is the hard drive so don’t plan on recovering the photos.

Blessings

Lisa

 

 

I wasn't going to post until I saw that she was planning on going to law school. This is a very good reason for her to find ways to deal with grades now and not later! Once you get to law school she will be in classes mostly with other kids who also have always had fantastic grades. They entire school will be filled with very highly driven and smart people. Now, in order to actually give grades the schools will grade on a curve. This means that many of those very bright students will receive their very first "Bs," "Cs" and "Ds" in that first law school semester. It is DEVASTATING! Even those of us who didn't think we were "perfectionists" thought about dropping out at that point - and many did. As she goes on in life and progresses through the educational system, she will be in groups with smart hardworking people just like herself. She has to focus on doing what is humanly possible, doing her best, and letting the rest go.

 

I now have a little perfectionist at home and it is a struggle to keep her focused on doing what she can and doing what she loves (even if she is not the best at it!)

Edited September 16, 2009 by Cammie

[CherylG]

A couple thoughts:

 

 

 

3) DON"T feed into it. Stay as nonchalant as possible. She needs you "there" but not "involved." You don't want to be part of the problem.

:iagree:

[Storm Bay]

I wasn't going to post until I saw that she was planning on going to law school. This is a very good reason for her to find ways to deal with grades now and not later! Once you get to law school she will be in classes mostly with other kids who also have always had fantastic grades. They entire school will be filled with very highly driven and smart people. Now, in order to actually give grades the schools will grade on a curve. This means that many of those very bright students will receive their very first "Bs," "Cs" and "Ds" in that first law school semester. It is DEVESTATING! Even those of us who didn't think we were "perfectionists" thought about dropping out at that point - and many did. As she goes on in life and progresses through the educational system, she will be in groups with smart hardworking people just like herself. She has to focus on doing what is humanly possible, doing her best, and letting the rest go.

 

I now have a little perfectionist at home and it is a struggle to keep her focused on doing what she can and doing what she loves (even if she is not the best at it!)

 

 

Good point. My sister's friend had a 93 percent average for her undergrad degree and that wasn't high enough to get into Harvard Medical School at that time.

 

I have never been a fan of grading on a curve.

[gevs4him]

3) DON"T feed into it. Stay as nonchalant as possible. She needs you "there" but not "involved." You don't want to be part of the problem.

 

:iagree: This works real well -thank you :001_smile:

Lisa

[gevs4him]

[ This is a very good reason for her to find ways to deal with grades now and not later! Once you get to law school she will be in classes mostly with other kids who also have always had fantastic grades. They entire school will be filled with very highly driven and smart people. Now, in order to actually give grades the schools will grade on a curve. This means that many of those very bright students will receive their very first "Bs," "Cs" and "Ds" in that first law school semester. It is DEVESTATING! Even those of us who didn't think we were "perfectionists" thought about dropping out at that point - and many did. As she goes on in life and progresses through the educational system, she will be in groups with smart hardworking people just like herself. She has to focus on doing what is humanly possible, doing her best, and letting the rest go.

 

:) Thank you - this is something I never thought about. Why do they grade on a curve? Is it because everyone gets such bad grades everyone would fail if they didn't?

Lisa

[Storm Bay]

:) Thank you - this is something I never thought about. Why do they grade on a curve? Is it because everyone gets such bad grades everyone would fail if they didn't?

Lisa

 

 

Not necessarily. It can also be because sometimes so many students do well and that makes the course look too easy, etc. I think it's ridiculous. I still remember a course in which 2 women had the exact same percentage and one got an A and the other a B because the Prof used a curve.

[Cammie]

Ok, next time I post in all caps I will spell check first! [Guess that supports my post on a previous thread of being a bad speller!] [Just found the edit button - love it!]

 

I think the reason they do it in law school is so that you don't have a class where all the kid's get A's. Remember, you are still in competitive mode when in law school. Your grade might determine if you get a law review post or a certain internship or into a certain select seminar course. Given how driven most law students are - chances are they actually all do fairly well on the exams. The school feels there is a need to differentiate between the students and hence the curve.

 

I still rememeber that horrible sinking feeling of seeing my first semester grades (I think it was one "C" or something like that) and I don't wish it on anyone!

Edited September 16, 2009 by Cammie

[Storm Bay]

Ok, next time I post in all caps I will spell check first! [Guess that supports my post on a previous thread of being a bad speller!] [Just found the edit button - love it!]

 

I think the reason they do it in law school is so that you don't have a class where all the kid's get A's. Remember, you are still in competitive mode when in law school. Your grade might determine if you get a law review post or a certain internship or into a certain select seminar course. Given how driven most law students are - chances are they actually all do fairly well on the exams. The school feels there is a need to differentiate between the students and hence the curve.

 

I still rememeber that horrible sinking feeling of seeing my first semester grades (I think it was one "C" or something like that) and I don't wish it on anyone!

 

I understand why they do it in law school, but not in other areas. I still think that issuing a percentage for law students' grades would make more sense, but that's just me. I'd hate to see someone with 90 percent getting a C or D when law firms could just compare the averages (but then, I'm not a lawyer.) I once heard of a med school that didn't issue grades (pass or fail). However, the MD I spoke with who had graduated from the school said that they had to add honours for all the would-be surgeons who like to be the best at everything :). (My dad is a surgeon, so that made total sense to me.)

[HeidiD]

Thank you AndyJoy for being kind and sharing your experience. It is nice to have a helpful response. To clarify things dd was tested gifted, years ago. And has always worked hard to achieve top grades in all subjects. She strides to be her very best at everything she does, not just school because she feels that is how life should roll. At school - she will finish in 3 years with a double major Technical English and Paralegal - then take her L Sats and go on to Law School. This is why she feels she must archive the highest grades she can. Besides keeping her scholarships which were received for her academic honors. We do feel meditation could help and she is checking into yoga - she does exercise three times a week and is active on the local fire department. She also is in the Law Fraternity and English Honors Fraternity where she holds positions and does have friendships. She has been with the same boyfriend for almost 3 years and they go to church bible studies together with plans to marry before she starts Law school. And as far as backing up her school work she does, but it was the paper that she was working on and her photos from her brothers birthday party this past week end that troubled her the most. By the way she already has finished the paper on the family computer, but we were told yesterday that it is the hard drive so don’t plan on recovering the photos.

Blessings

Lisa

 

I can also relate - I was just like your daughter and still am to some degree if I let myself slip (for instance last week, when I overlooked paying an insurance bill and got hit with a late fee, the claws of perfectionism began digging into me again and I got so mad for slipping up, despite the fact that it was a natural mistake and not the end of the world :D).

 

What really helps is to picture the worst-case scenario, and realize that if it happens, you CAN and WILL deal with it.) It's all about perspective.

 

Losing scholarships is a very real concern, of course, but I'm guessing it would take more than a couple of B's to cause her to lose hers (my 18 yo is also attending college on an academic scholarship, and I think his cum would have to drop below a B before the scholarship would disappear.) I told him that if it happens, it happens, and if he has to switch to the state college, so be it - it wouldn't be the end of the world. There are many paths to success.

 

As far as law school, once again there are plenty of options besides the top-tier schools, and many successful people (my sil, for one) who graduated from less prestigious law schools do very well.

 

I was a "gifted" child, but in retrospect, it was crippling to be so labeled - I think it drove me to expect more of myself than was possible. Maturity and the struggles and failures that come with living life were the eventual remedy. I also agree with the poster who recommends developing non-academic strengths and skills and lightening up on the course load. What's the advantage of rushing through college ahead of everybody else if it causes stress and unhappiness?

 

Best of luck to your daughter - I'm sure she'll do very well whatever path she chooses. :)