Jennefer@SSA Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I am giving only a very brief overview here as my kids will be up any minute. My sister (34) is an addict. Here's the history. At age 18 gained 100 pounds in a year after losing a full term baby. Looking back she was depressed for years before even but that pushed her over the edge. Continued to gain weight until she was near 275 lbs. Started dealing with huge health issues as a result. Started using drugs to try to keep up with her 3 kids - mostly snorting her son's ritalin. Moved to street drugs when needed. Got gastric bypass surgery and lost 150-175 lbs. Now underweight. We convinced her to commit herself for treatment to deal with drugs. While there she cheated on her husband with another guy in for treatment. Divorced. Lost her younger 2 kids. The older stayed with her as he was from a previous relationship. Body revolted as a result of surgery. Left side of body has seemingly shut down. Gall bladder removed. Developed Type 1 Diabetes and had to have 1/2 of pancreas removed b/c it was producing too much insulin. Before pancreas removed she would check blood sugar. When it was below 50 she learned to call paramedics. She would unlock door and sit in chair b/c she knew she would be unconscious when they got there as her blood sugar would continue dropping no matter what she did. This happened multiple times. Multiple other health problems, all with left side of body. Now tumor on adrenal gland on left side. She has continued to use drugs throughout off and on but this past year she has bottomed out. She has been in treatment 3x each for 2 weeks or less. No one will keep her longer than that without insurance. After she got medicaid we thought it would be better but the last place only kept her 14 days, the longest so far. She lost her job, has been evicted from her apt and now lives with my mom and dad. My parents left town last week to visit my family and my sister checked herself into the ER and got more drugs (valium and xanax) from the docs there. My parents don't know what to do. They can't afford long term treatment for her; they are barely getting by on their own. What should my parents do? What can they do? Sorry this turned out long and probably convoluted. I typed really fast. I would appreciate advice to pass along from others who know much more than I about addictions and such. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth in OH Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I am a huge believer in Al-Anon for people dealing with a family member's addictions. I sought out a group when dealing with a relation who was not an alcoholic, but was gripped by compulsion to do other things. The people there were warm, non-judgemental, and hopeful. They had been there, done that, and had many resources to share--good resources. Attending those meetings was very healing for me, and in turn, I was in a much better position to think clearly and help my "alcoholic". This was over two years ago (we have since moved, and I didn't feel the need to begin a new group), and my story has a happy ending. My "alcoholic" saw the need for change and has taken steps to get better. In the end, as you've seen with your sister, the addict has to choose health for himself. If you or your parents try Al-Anon, give it 6 meetings before you decide it's not for you. Sometimes it takes awhile to really see the purpose in attending. :grouphug:Beth:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennefer@SSA Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 Thanks, Beth. I told my mom that my nephew needs to be going to Alateen but I hadn't really thought about them going to meetings themselves. Unfortunately my dad works two jobs and my mom works one but 60+ hours a week. They both have poor health as well. As much as I think they would receive great encouragement and information I doubt they will go. Still I will tell them in hopes that I am wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I dont have experience with that kind of situation although I do have a family member who has been an heroine addict at least, and I do know others who are addicts, including some who died...but what I do know is that number one is take care of yourself. Dont give money. DOnt believe their stories to get you to give them money, and dont pay for them unless they really, really, really are ready to change. And keep the distance necessary to not get too emotionally caught up. Dont let her take the family down with her on her sinking ship. It sounds like a sad, sad situation...but in the end the only one who can get her out of it is herself. She has to want to enough to reach out to the help that is available, and use it. If she doesnt want to....the best thing is to make sure she doesnt hurt her kids or anyone else around her any more than she obviously already has. People do come out of really bad situations and heal themselves, of course. There is always hope. If I was the parents...I would make sure I wasnt in a position of enabling her, and I agree that Al-Anon or something similar can be hugely helpful. People often blame themselves and its just not helpful or necessary. I would put her in a home of some sort for addicts. I would not let her live at home with your parents. Very dangerous situaiton for them to be in. I know it sounds harsh, and it is, but your parents are not in a good situation. Sometimes tough love is the only way to go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Testimony Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 You are in my thoughts and prayers:grouphug: I agree with the advice about the family going to Alanon. Also, you should go too. It is for any family member. I use to work for a child protective service agency. I dealt with many moms like your sister. It is such a difficult situation to be in when a family member is hurting like that. You want to help, but if you give too much help then you are considered enabling. If you don't give any, then something may happen and you feel guilty. It is an awful position to be in. Is she a part of a church that can nuture and support her? Also, is she willing to go to Overeaters Anonymous? It sounds like she needs that program as well. Blessings, Karen http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/testimony Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennefer@SSA Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 You are in my thoughts and prayers:grouphug: I agree with the advice about the family going to Alanon. Also, you should go too. It is for any family member. I use to work for a child protective service agency. I dealt with many moms like your sister. It is such a difficult situation to be in when a family member is hurting like that. You want to help, but if you give too much help then you are considered enabling. If you don't give any, then something may happen and you feel guilty. It is an awful position to be in. Is she a part of a church that can nuture and support her? Also, is she willing to go to Overeaters Anonymous? It sounds like she needs that program as well. Blessings, Karen http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/testimony Thanks, Karen. Fortunately (in this situation at least) I live in Houston and the rest of the family live 5 hours north in the Dallas area. I am not affected by all this other than the calls from my mom and sisters. I wish I could bring her son to live with us for the next four years while he finishes high school but we don't feel we can do that. My nephew has many emotional problems and with Thatcher's Asperger's we just feel that it wouldn't be right to add that element to our home. Our first responsibility is to our own children. Still it hurts to not be able to help him escape his sad reality. As for a church she converted to Mormonism a few years ago and they have paid her rent and offered help for the past year. Finally after several unsatisfactory meetings they are no longer helping as she was showing no improvement whatsoever. Really her church has gone above and beyond in recent months it seems. I did not realize there was an Overeaters Anonymous. I will tell my mom about that. Thanks for your input. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennefer@SSA Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 I dont have experience with that kind of situation although I do have a family member who has been an heroine addict at least, and I do know others who are addicts, including some who died...but what I do know is that number one is take care of yourself. Dont give money. DOnt believe their stories to get you to give them money, and dont pay for them unless they really, really, really are ready to change. And keep the distance necessary to not get too emotionally caught up. Dont let her take the family down with her on her sinking ship. It sounds like a sad, sad situation...but in the end the only one who can get her out of it is herself. She has to want to enough to reach out to the help that is available, and use it. If she doesnt want to....the best thing is to make sure she doesnt hurt her kids or anyone else around her any more than she obviously already has. People do come out of really bad situations and heal themselves, of course. There is always hope. If I was the parents...I would make sure I wasnt in a position of enabling her, and I agree that Al-Anon or something similar can be hugely helpful. People often blame themselves and its just not helpful or necessary. I would put her in a home of some sort for addicts. I would not let her live at home with your parents. Very dangerous situaiton for them to be in. I know it sounds harsh, and it is, but your parents are not in a good situation. Sometimes tough love is the only way to go. Peela, I tried to convince my mom about how dangerous this could turn out to be for them. I told her that it wasn't fair to her other grandkids to keep helping my sister at the risk of putting themselves in danger. My parents just can't bring themselves to see that it could be that bad. We've had a few talks this morning and I think she may be moving that direction though. I have encouraged them to consider taking her to a homeless shelter for women, dropping her off and changing their number. My sister has shown in other situations that she can be incredibly resourceful. If she wants to bad enough I believe that she could do it again and help herself. My parents are not in the tough love camp unfortunately. I am hoping that they will see that it's the only way...and sooner rather than later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnandtinagilbert Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 It might be wise to have your parents at least look into custody of the child. There is no telling what the future will bring. The only advice I can give is that there is nothing you or anyone else can do. Addicts must choose. It's not an easy decision, but if a person other than the addict does the doing, it will never work. hugs and prayers for you all. I know how painful this is to watch. Continue to love her without ever giving approval and be careful. Addicts are ruthless b/c they can't see past their fix. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennefer@SSA Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 I agree with what everyone has said...we cannot enable her addiction in any way. Doesn't that necessarily mean that she has to get out of my parents' home? My mom isn't willing to drop her off at a homeless shelter b/c of her health problems. Mom thinks she will be dead within a month and that she would never forgive herself. There is the element of possible mental illness in all this too and my mom doesn't think it's fair to throw her to the lions if that happens to be the case. I am all for the tough love. Take her to a shelter and say bye-bye. But then it's not my kid. I can't imagine the anguish my parents are feeling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnandtinagilbert Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I agree with what everyone has said...we cannot enable her addiction in any way. Doesn't that necessarily mean that she has to get out of my parents' home? My mom isn't willing to drop her off at a homeless shelter b/c of her health problems. Mom thinks she will be dead within a month and that she would never forgive herself. There is the element of possible mental illness in all this too and my mom doesn't think it's fair to throw her to the lions if that happens to be the case. I am all for the tough love. Take her to a shelter and say bye-bye. But then it's not my kid. I can't imagine the anguish my parents are feeling. honestly, this falls into the can't say 'til I'm there category. Tough love sounds like the right decision, but I wonder if it was my child, could I do it? IDK. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savedbygrace Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 From my experience, until she is ready to change and serious about getting help, there isn't much else anyone can do. Love her, be truthful to her, and pray! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennefer@SSA Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 honestly, this falls into the can't say 'til I'm there category. Tough love sounds like the right decision, but I wonder if it was my child, could I do it? IDK. :grouphug: I completely agree with you. And that's what my mom said to me: If it were my kid, could I do it? I don't know. So hard... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnandtinagilbert Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 You cannot even imagine how good an addict is at convincing anyone of anything. So true. They can give any number of people whichever storyline needed to fulfill their goal...highness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennefer@SSA Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 So true. They can give any number of people whichever storyline needed to fulfill their goal...highness. Yes, my sister is a master manipulator. My parents are her current prey. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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