PineFarmMom Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 seemed to call you when they need help?/prayer and divulge all the bad stuff going on in their lives and with their children, their children's flaws, husband's flaws and all, and then treat you badly later because you knew too much? I have a "friend" who is repeatedly doing this to me. She wants to unload on me with no input from me whatsoever, but just wants me to pray. I do pray, btw. Then later it's as if she regrets it and is snide to me with cutting remarks, etc. There will have been no change in my response to her through this at all. It's the only thing I can surmise from it. I think she tells me too much and then regrets it. It is really starting to frustrate me because it looks like she's a majorly moody person, and the cutting remarks are just so unexpected that I rarely know how to respond when I'm smacked upside the head with one. I just said today about how I have to be careful of toxic people. I'm thinking maybe that's one of their characteristics?? BTW, only once have I offered anything corrective. I usually do just listen and pray. She went through the roof when I offered advice, and it was one of those situations I knew I had to say what I did because it was a pretty heavy issue. I also have never spoken the things she has said to me to anyone other than dh, and she knows it...so I know she's not afraid of me talking about her. I guess I'm just wondering how you deal with this. I mean, I have 4 kids, I homeschool, I'm busy. I don't really have time for it if I'm getting randomly and unexpectedly slapped each time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeenagerMom Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I think I would avoid answering the phone when she calls. I have a friend who confides in me frequently and does tend to get offended at the advise I give. I just tell her like I see it and if she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to confide in me. I am of the opinion that there are many things that can improve a person's life in addition to prayer. While it is good to pray for the change and patience that you need dealing with your everyday life, I am also a full believer in that YOU as a person are responsible for instituting the change needed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeindeed Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Have you discussed this problem with your friend? I think you should tell her what you just posted. Be honest with her, and ask her why she chooses to lash out at you after you've been her confidante. BTW, that's easy for me to say, but it wouldn't be easy for me to do. I hate confrontaion.:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnandtinagilbert Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Have you considered the two are related? (Your non-commenting and her verbally slapping you?) Perhaps b/c you are so non-threatening she thinks she can behave this way. Perhaps she also behaves this way with the others in her life and her vents to you are only one side of the story? I would agree to mention it to her, lovingly and carefully. Perhaps she is not aware of this behavior at all. Be prepared for a tongue lashing, though..and hopefully some repentance later. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnandtinagilbert Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Honestly, she sounds nuts. Ouch. but I can't help but giggle! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Maybe it's time to stop listening? It sounds like she's using you like a whipping boy. "I'm not comfortable speaking about this, I hope everything works out. I love you, thanks for calling, goodbye now." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PineFarmMom Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 Honestly, she sounds nuts. I've begun to wonder... ;) That whole "enabling" statement on another thread this a.m. made me consider that whether I like it or not, I may be doing that with this woman. BTW, the one time I really laid out the truth to her, the time she got mad at me, she called me about 6 weeks later and everything I had stated would happen did happen. Everything I had guessed about the situation was true and she saw it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnandtinagilbert Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I've begun to wonder... ;) That whole "enabling" statement on another thread this a.m. made me consider that whether I like it or not, I may be doing that with this woman. BTW, the one time I really laid out the truth to her, the time she got mad at me, she called me about 6 weeks later and everything I had stated would happen did happen. Everything I had guessed about the situation was true and she saw it. Perhaps your gentle approach, including more real truths, can actually help her. Some people (like me) need tough love! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I had a friend who used to do that. I swear I could not look her husband in the eyes after she'd tell me stuff - it was way too TMI! I felt like she had just "vomited all her problems" all over me. I know that sounds rude and mean but that's really what it was like (I did not ever use this analogy with her btw). I finally told her that I could not handle knowing so much about her life and problems. I gently suggested that she go to a counsellor instead. She didn't speak to me for a few months. Now we talk every few months or so. Our relationship is much more balanced. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue G in PA Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 It's time for you to set up some boundaries with this woman. It sounds like she just wants to "complain" but not change. I just read Cloud and Townsends book, Boundaries and this sounds like a perfect example of where one person is taking advantage of the other. You can still be a good friend w/out allowing yourself to be abused. I've had people in my life who were just like this woman...wanted to vent, cry on my shoulder, be prayed for, etc. but when it came down to practical solutions and advice they wanted nothing to do with it. Does she come to you with the same problems time and time again? Or are these different issues each time? Same issues all the time indicated someone not willing to do the work to change the situation. Pray about what boundaries you might need to set with her and pray God will give you the words to say w/out damaging or hurting the relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertDweller Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Sorry, but you can pray for a situation and for the people involved without knowing all the details. I would stop her before she starts. The name of the person and agreement on what your both specifically asking God to do in the situation. Find several verses that apply to the situation. Pray and move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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