Adrianne in TX Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Okay ladies--I really never thought I would put my own frustrations and obstacles of parenting out for public consumption. But after reading so many posts and reading good advice-I figured "the pools warm (esp here in TX) jump in". I found out my DD 6 (not so dear right now) was playing with matches in her room, burnt a cigarette size burn in the carpet. When I smelled that sulfury smell I started to look around the house (I was downstairs) she was upstairs. I called upstairs and asked if she lit a match, of course the answer is no, and DS and I walk around downstairs looking for the cause of said smell. I then call again to her, as I figure it must be her or we have a wall fire going on, and she confesses. Of course this is after I use the old " I wont be mad-I need to know the truth" line, so here I am trying not to scream at the top of my lungs at her. Trying "not to be mad" and show her that I will lie to her to get an answer. I have had her sitting in her room after I have spoken to her about the possible consequences of fire, lying, stealing (taking things that dont belong to her) matches. I have spoken to her how hurt my heart is that she could do something to hurt me and her brother and possibly burn the house down. We have matches in the house top shelf of the pantry and of course sometimes (not often) they are misplaced in a junk drawer so they are not readily available. Since I think most everyone has probably faced this--what have been the consequences of such a thing? I am ready to take away dance (already paid all summer for it), take away a field trip with friends on Thursday and a very important BF birthday party next week. This would be along with losing a number of toys and all the money in her piggy bank to replace the spot on the rug. BTW DH came home from work immediately in the middle of the day to speak to her (very sternly) and gave her some swats on the bottom for her actions. She is now vanquished to her room and I am not sure if I will let her out the rest of the day! I suspect I am being a bit harsh but I cant believe she would play with matches and lie to me. What has been a measured response you have done for such an action. Days like this make me think I gave up a career for this!!!! Thanks for your input. Adrianne in TX DS7 Vanquished DD6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenC Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 But, I would purge the house of all matches and lighters and make sure she understood the dangers to herself and her family. Lying is absolutey not acceptable. I would simply say that since she can't be trusted to tell the truth, she has to be within my sight at all times for at least a month. If that means no playdates or field trips, then so be it. Good luck, Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emilylou Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 No advice... just wanted to say hang in there. My DD is a bit younger but I could totally see her doing this, matches and lying. Going to remove any matches in the house... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 It is up to you and your dh to determine the specific consequences, but, in the case of lying, we always add a consequence for that. It is what we deem one of the most serious of "offenses" and almost always accompanies another intentionally disobedient act (as opposed to a merely foolish or childish course of behavior). Whatever you decide upon as a set of consequences, word it as such: "This XYZ is a consequence for stealing the matches. Next XYZ is the consequence of burning the rug. Third XYZ is a consequence for lying." See what I mean? As for what punishment you choose, do whatever you can to make it "fit the crime," so to speak. For taking something that wasn't hers (the matches), she loses a favored object for a period of time. For burning the rug, she makes restitution from her piggy bank or extra chores. For the lying, well, sounds like you have applied what we might do in a similar situation. After all the consequences are doled out, be sure to hug her and let her know that even though bad decisions carry big consequences, you still love her and hope she learns from this experience. Just my pair o'pennies, HTH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 The most important thing is for her to understand the danger of this, and I would go to the local fire station for help. Usually, they have an education coordinator who is accustomed to speaking to kids about this. While this is very serious, it's also very common, and I do think your penalties cross the line from natural consequences into harsh punishment (which might relieve your feelings, but might cause so much resentment on hers that it actually reduces her remorse, kwim?). My response would be a trip to the fire station, and payment toward the repair of the rug. Lying from fear is a very natural response when a small child realizes they have really crossed the line, and she did own up the second time you asked her. You can't look at this from a purely adult perspective. She's very young, and has the curiousity of all young children. She wasn't trying to hurt anyone or burn the house down. Six-year-olds are not know for their clear, logical thinking ;). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 :iagree: Call the local fire department, probably the headquarters line to get the public education person (the person who does the school presentations etc.) Also, get rid of the matches. Grill lighters are much more difficult to light, go out when you drop them and are not nearly as much fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I am ready to take away dance (already paid all summer for it), take away a field trip with friends on Thursday and a very important BF birthday party next week. This would be along with losing a number of toys and all the money in her piggy bank to replace the spot on the rug. Adrianne, I hope you wait until you've had a chance to calm down before you decide on a punishment. I know you're angry, and I'm sure you're scared to death every time you think of the tragedy that could have happened if a major fire had started, but it sounds like you've already had a rational discussion with your dd about how hurt you were about what she did, and why she must never do anything like that again, so I'm not sure that a boatload of punitive punishments are really necessary here -- unless you feel that your dd isn't remorseful about what happened. She is probably very upset about what she did, and she probably feels very sad and guilty, so maybe it's time to forgive her and let her know that you love her, but that fire is not something to play with and she must never play with matches again. I think you've already made the point that this wasn't some normal little misbehavior -- I'm sure your dd realizes that her dad doesn't pop in at home to punish her for something unimportant, so this is already a major event for her. Only you know if your dd feels badly about what she did, but she's only little, and while I certainly wouldn't want her to ever think it's ok to play with fire, I wouldn't want her to be overly traumatized, either. I also doubt it will serve any purpose to take her piggy bank money or her toys and privileges away from her. In the end, you'll feel worse about the punishment than she does, and I don't really think that long-term punishments for a single act are particularly effective when you're dealing with a young child. I hope you're feeling better now -- I can only imagine how scared you were when you saw your dd with the matches and the burned spot on the carpet. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adrianne in TX Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 Yes I have calmed a bit and the advice to visit a fire department was such a good one (not one I could have come up with today!). She has been thinking of her transgression while her brother got to watch tv ( a huge treat in our house-they tv is strictly a weekend thing and usually a dvd at that). I may spring her from her jail and do appreciate all the advice--do keep it coming but it seems like a "fire" may be going on a different thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I may spring her from her jail and do appreciate all the advice--do keep it coming but it seems like a "fire" may be going on a different thread :lol::lol::lol::lol: Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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