Jump to content



  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by 8circles

  1. For sure. Unfortunately, it has also affected non-Evangelical circles (I don't attend an Evangelical church). I find it extremely frustrating.
  2. Great post. I do think that this business of God purposely inflicting pain can get very tricky for a great number of xians, particularly when studying the OT. I know that it is always hotly debated in the adult Sunday School class.
  3. An educated opinion doesn't make it not hurtful. The fact that this is a known topic to you makes it even more surprising that you'd make such a statement. My reaction is not disproportionate. - hurtful comment - that comment was hurtful - do you know who I am? Now THAT's charming.
  4. I really appreciate what you've said in this thread. I think it's great that you've learned how to deal with your child in a helpful way, even though you aren't a counselor.
  5. Oblivious blessing guy is why I'm so suspect of people who are "so blessed" or "so full of joy". They hurt people because they're too focused on themselves. I'm sorry.
  6. Your post was hurtful and condescending and you can give me the benefit of the doubt or not - I don't care. Parents can and should help their children by learning to speak to them in helpful ways when necessary. That doesn't replace a counselor. Not all parents are able to, but it isn't inappropriate for them to do so and the advice that Lori gave was not inappropriate. You made a hurtful comment. Do not turn around and say my expressing my hurt is hurtful to you.
  7. I seriously needed to step away from the computer when I read this. Nobody has suggested that as a rule, mothers need to use counselling skills in order to talk to their adult children. Anxiety is a read medical condition and to suggest that a mother should not learn techniques to speak to her child with anxiety in a way that is helpful for her child in that medically fragile moment is irresponsible at best. Do you also hire a nurse to administer abx to your child? Or is it just mental illness that you think doesn't deserve parental care?
  8. Quill, you and I so often find ourselves on opposite sides, I'm surprised that I am relating to what you are saying. I totally understand every word you've said on this topic. Katie, this is a great post. There are no answers to my questions. God must love me because it's the only thing that makes sense for me & my survival, based on what I know to be true. And I'm still here. God loves you because there is goodness in the world and goodness is, well, I just don't think anything is anything without goodness.. Nothing else makes sense, even if I don't know the details.
  9. But she wasn't wrong - her mother thought her work ethic was lacking.
  10. It is extremely depressing knowing that there are people out there who would look at the million choices I make every day and critique every single one that was "less than ideal".
  11. I am not saying that your DD suffers from anxiety, but she is showing that she feels anxious about this topic. And honestly, as someone who suffers from anxiety, the way her decision to have a friend over during finals has been described as "not ideal' and "She knows you are right" makes me really twitchy.
  12. If your child is having a hard time not being OK with dispproval, it would be good to help them out by not expressing your disapproval until they feel more secure. This adult kid is only 19, not 29. It isn't as if on their 18th birthday they are all of a sudden secure in their adult choices and no longer care what their parents think. Is the issue in the OP a substantial thing? Not to me. It's having a friend over during finals.
  13. Because this is when parents and newly-adult kids need to change their relationship dynamic, so that she can become a confident, independent adult. She needs to stop relying on your validation/approval/agreement and you need to stop judging her choices. Judging sounds like a harsh word - I don't think you're judgmental in that horrible way that people hate. But you are judging that her choice to have a visitor when she was supposed to be studying was not the right one.
  14. Woah, woah, woah. This is not what I was picturing. The bolded is where you went wrong lol. "No, I think you've been working really hard." I think the only thing you can do here is keep telling her that she is an adult who is capable of making her own choices. Some of them might be wrong. It's up to her to determine that.
  15. Why would someone need to bite their tongue if someone made a different, equally valid choice than mine?
  16. Since the OP has used both terms, I don't know which one applies.
  17. What do you mean? I'm being paternalistic to goldberry? I don't know that there's really a meaningful difference between disagreement and judgment in this situation. If my parent were to disagree with my choice, they would be judging my choice as wrong. I guess one could argue the semantics of it but I'd be willing to bet that the OP's DD feels judged. That's why she needs approval. If it were truly a disagreement or a choice between 2 equally valid options, I doubt she would care if her mother picked the other one.
  18. Yeah, as long as you can do so without people feeling your disapproval. Biting your tongue in such a way that your newly-adult-child can tell you disapprove is not healthy or appropriate.
  19. Until then, "Sweetheart, I know you want me to approve of this choice but you don't really need my approval. You are 19 and some of your choices might be the wrong ones. That's OK. You'll be OK. I love you. I support you & I will continue to do so unless I see you making a choice that really frightens me. Then I'll let you know." "Oh, and I'm sorry that you can sense my disapproval sometimes. I'm working on that."
  20. I think, though, that you're focus is in the wrong place. This is not something that can be "fixed" quickly. Not that that's what you're asking - I'm working this clumsy so forgive me. You are framing this problem as your DD who needs approval. Which might be a problem, might not. I think it's very natural for children to need that approval/validation from their parents and it doesn't stop just because of their age. She will continue needing your approval until she feels secure. I think it would be more productive for you to focus on why you are judging your DD's choices (since I don't know the specifics I can only assume they aren't super important choices). And then stop doing that.
  21. I totally relate about your brother - I have different circumstances but my situation is similar in the important ways. We don't have a relationship. I love him as much as any other person that I don't have a relationship with. I would still say that I love him, but I think that without a relationship it's really quite meaningless. I don't like him or not like him either.
  22. Why are you offering criticism to your adult DD? Why are you biting your tongue? She can sense your disapproval. If it isn't such a big deal, you shouldn't be so judgmental about it. If you stop being judgmental, you won't have any need to bite your tongue. In other words, don't pick anything up and there will be nothing to drop.
  23. Bolded is interesting. I never would have categorized this part of Jesus as really-inspiring-dude. I mean, if we aren't supposed to try to be like Jesus in this way, I don't get xianity. At all.
  24. I am like this also and always have been, for as long as I can remember. Like I said, I am an empath, so I don't think this really has anything to do with feelings or emotions. But the only people who I KNOW without a doubt love me, specifically me, and I matter to them and they would miss me are my children - when they're babies - and my dog. And even then, the reality is I'm replaceable so they'd get over it. DH comes close, but not quite. Parents? Nope. Siblings? No, not really - if I were to die they'd be sorry in a lost-potential way, not really personally. Certainly my friends don't. It is something I wish were different, but I can't spend any more energy worrying about it than I already have. Let me know if you figure it out.
  25. Well, here I go. I don't believe those people are for real. I think they're delusional. I think they're in la-la-land and have purposely put blinders on because anything other than the constant "I'm so thankful" mantra is unbearable. I understand that they need that for themselves just like I need my beliefs for myself, but I don't admire it. It isn't real. ETA: And I am an extreme empath, so this has nothing to do with feelings vs not.
  • Create New...