Thank you so very much. All your comments made me realize that I do need to get counseling for myself and also counseling for the two of us. I hope that I can find a good one.

That's exactly what I have been wondering about. I am going to talk with K's mother soon.

My son just started therapy with a social worker. This is such a different situation for me as compared to when my late husband and I were raising the five older siblings a few years ago. I do know all about how teenagers grow away from parents, blah, blah, but this is different somehow. Well, I'll just have to change my personality and become this tough, confident, and assertive mom that my son obviously needs me to be. (After my first post, I caught the girlfriend necking K in my son's bedroom in front of my son and the other friends. I turned on the ceiling light, told the girl to stop it, and then told the kids to leave the light on. Then they left to go on a walk. Oh, well.)

I am frankly outnumbered and overwhelmed by my son and his friend who lives down the block. They are both fourteen and they have known each other since they were eight. The friend (I'll call him K) never had many friends over his house in the past, and he has always been in a public school. This year he is in ninth grade and it just happens that he got a girlfriend who is best friends with a girl in our neighborhood. So now this girlfriend, her best friend, K, and another girl who is a friend of the girlfriend are coming over here a lot. And also K is over by himself a lot more than he ever used to be. My son is becoming more and more drawn to this circle of friends and is more withdrawn from me. (His dad died two years ago, otherwise he would have taken care of this.) He is doing schoolwork less and less and recently got a D in one of his outside classes due to not handing in his homework. He is constantly texting the kids. And he is turning away from his church and homeschool friends that he grew up with, calling them fakes and prudes. I could kick all of them out of the house but then he would just leave with them. I know because I tried that and he just left. He is very smart and manipulative and fools me pretty easily. I have decided that we will move out of here this spring or summer but what should I do in the meantime? I can't force him to do his schoolwork. Well, I could and I have forced him but it's exhausting for me to keep after him every day. And I really don't think that this circle is a positive influence on him. K never seems to have any homework and he is not interested in school which is having a bad effect on my son.

I want to comment on the inclusion of an elderly and hard of hearing person in the conversations among family. I myself am deaf and so it bothered me when one poster said that the conversations would be tedious if the people had to slow down in order to include the grandmother. Are slow conversations so tedious that the people can't tolerate them for the sake of the grandmother? Is that how hearing people really feel about the deaf people? Is that how my hearing children feel about me? Geez, I hope not! Maybe it's different for the grandmother. And though I do appreciate very much when a person gives me a short summary of the group conversation, I do feel left out nevertheless. There's just no getting around it. There's not a good solution until people start thinking more of others than themselves and try to find ways to include the grandmother or the deaf person in the conversations in addition to or instead of short summaries or none at all which would be the worst of all. One solution that works for me is to have one or a few people next to me and we would talk together apart from the group conversations at a large gathering. And if I felt like it, I would ask for a summary of the conversations that are going around us and then we would get back to our own conversation. But at family mealtimes, then, yeah, the grandmother should be included in the group conversation even if it may be slow and tedious for the others.

Thank you all. You gave me a lot to think about. I just asked some friends to recommend a counselor for us both.

I recently started a part time job, only eight hours a week, doing filing for a CPA. It seems like an ideal job for me. I can work while my teenage son is at a private school for his two classes so we can be home at the same time. I have enough time to homeschool him for his other subjects. The job itself is not very difficult. However, I have had a very stressful two years since my husband died suddenly of a heart attack. My son went into deep depression last spring. He even did some cutting. So we both were exhausted last summer and we did nothing but stay home and just rest all summer. I got sick with various infections that required antibiotics. Then we both started the semester feeling good. He started going to two classes at a school for the first time ever. Then I took the job about three weeks ago. Last week, I was feeling very stressed and tired. Then I caught him cutting again. It was a rough week. I am feeling anxious that he might slide back into deep depression again. He is very sensitive to my moods. So he can sense when I am feeling stressed or tired or whatever and act it out accordingly. This job seems so ideal for my situation and it's very nice to have some extra money but I am wondering about how to tell if my body needs more time to heal. I don't want to push myself too far that I will get sick again with various infections and maybe worse. Also, will my quitting cause my son to feel insecure that his mother can't handle even a very part time job and thus feel even more stressed out? I guess my question is, what are the warning signs of stress overload?

I finally arrived at my decision to go with biology. Since my son is more interested in this than in physical science and also since it is the easier class, he will have more time and energy to devote to Algebra this year to prepare for physics later on. This way, he can take chemistry and college biology and still have time for physics. Thanks so much for your help!

You are really helping me to think this through. Here's some more information on my son's scientific background. He loves science but the problem is that since his father died suddenly of a heart attack two years ago, he lost interest in almost everything academic. He is recovering slowly and is more able to focus on details for longer periods of time. But he missed out on most of the standard middle school science so I am uncertain as to where to go from here. Will he really be prepared for chemistry and physics with almost no knowledge of the middle school physical science? If he can, then I am leaning toward the biology class this year as the private school offers a college level biology class to the juniors and seniors for college credit, and I think he will need to prepare for it by taking the biology class first. Supplementing the biology class with Human Anatomy is a good idea. And yes, I am going to make sure that he does well in Algebra this year. But if he needs the physical science, then he can take it this year and worry about physics later on. He can either take it in addition to another science class in high school or wait until college. Here are two possible science tracks that I am trying to decide on: Physical Science Biology Chemistry College Biology Physics either in high school or college or Biology Chemistry Physics College Biology

My son is entering ninth grade this fall and he most likely will be a premed student in college. He didn't do much physical science in eighth grade due to depression. So I need feedback on what class he should take. I am outsourcing this. There is a home school coop that is offering a normal biology course that uses an Apologia textbook. Also there is a private school that is offering a fairly rigorous physical science class that is based on an A Beka textbook. They are not offering biology this year. So since he has had almost no physical science, will he be adequately prepared for physics later on? And if he does need it, then he could read a lightweight biology book at home in addition to the physical science class at school, and then he can take chemistry next year instead of biology, physics the following year, and college biology after that. Or if he doesn't need physical science to prepare for physics, then he can just take biology with the coop and maybe read a lightweight physical science book on the side. What do you think?

And I would give anything to get my husband back. Recently, I had coffee with the mother of my daughter in law. She had met my husband several times before he died two years ago. I hadn't seen her since until I asked her out for coffee. During the conversation, she said that she followed my posts on facebook and that I was an inspiration to her because my being a widow made her realize how fortunate she was to have her husband. My jaw literally dropped and I gasped. Then I controlled myself and said that I was happy to help her to be thankful for her husband and that I hoped that she would have him for many more years. But I can't get her comment out of my mind that she is happy that she is not in my shoes which made me wonder how many people out there are happy too and also don't want to know what it is like either. I feel like that I am an object lesson in thankfulness for husbands. Her comment made me realize that though I may be jealous of the women who are still married, I would not want them to know how it feels to lose a husband. I'd rather that they stay happy and just enjoy their marriages without worrying about what the future might bring. It's the same with any kind of good things people may have; money, healthy kids, achievements, big houses, and so on. I wouldn't want them to know how it feels not to have those things. It's normal to be jealous and there's nothing wrong with that but if we dwell on the things we lack that other people have, that gets ugly because that might make me want them to experience my lack. Instead, if I choose to dwell on what I do have and be thankful, that makes it easier for me to be happy for other people and the relationships and things that they do have even if I may not have what they have. Dwelling on those less fortunate than I am to make myself less jealous of those more fortunate than I am is using them and it doesn't help me either.

My daughter in law had a miscarriage a few months ago. As I sat next to her in church this morning, she kept wiping her eyes.

I hope we can resolve the dog situation because my 14 year old son is heartbroken over this. I got him a one year old beagle/collie mix from the Humane Society for his birthday which was in May a year ago. He and she bonded instantly and he got really attached to her while he was grieving the loss of his dad to a heart attack. I also have two other dogs that are older. The dogs all got along together well, so I thought, until a few weeks ago. I was not at home when my son took the dogs outside in the backyard. Jellybean, the beagle/collie, was playing with her chew toy. Brianna, a mischievous dog, snatched the chew toy away playfully and scampered away. Jellybean was furious and attacked her and kept biting her and fighting her until my son pulled her away after trying to stop the fight for about twenty minutes. There was blood all over and the two dogs were chewed up but no stitches were needed. Then a week ago, the two dogs were outside playing. My older son was standing by the fence chatting with a neighbor who had two little yapping dogs with him. When our dogs saw the other dogs, they ran up to the fence but Brianna got in Jellybean's way which made JB angry. JB attacked her furiously and bit her all over and was going for her neck while my son tried to pull her off. Finally he had to hit her hard on the head with a log which stopped the fight. Lots of blood again. We have been keeping them separated since. I didn't see either fights but my older son was frightened by the fight and is urging me to get rid of JB. Danny however doesn't want to let her go back to the Humane Society where they might put her to sleep and we cannot find anyone who will take her. I am considering calling a trainer to evaluate JB but that's just one trainer's opinion that we will get to base our decision on what to do with JB. Has anyone of you had such a dog that had gotten along fine with other dogs in the household for a year and then suddenly become aggressive within a few minutes and then go back to being friendly as if the fight never happened? Brianna by the way is terrified of her. What do you all think?

So maybe we should stop calling the trips that the teens go on short term mission trips as it might mislead the potential donors and the teens themselves (as I was) into thinking that the teens were going to seriously change the world for the better, and instead call them cultural and educational trips with some volunteer work thrown in so that this would help the teens to see for themselves what missionary work looks like in the field, and also to see the world for themselves so that they would be more involved with supporting the missionaries in the future or even think about becoming missionaries themselves.

Yes, that's exactly what I was trying to say in my original post.

For several years, my youth/church groups have been going on short term missions trips but lately, the trips seem to have become not just for missions but also for fun excursions. For instance, the latest group is now in eastern Europe for two weeks to teach English there. They posted a picture of themselves at a Swan Lake production at this really elaborate and gorgeous theater. I admit that I do envy their fantastic opportunity to see the ballet but it sort of bugs me that the group had raised funds from the church and friends and so on to go to an impoverished country so that they could teach English; and then they take the opportunity to go to a ballet which can't be that cheap, can it? It just doesn't feel right to me but am I overreacting? Also on another trip that my son went on which was to Mexico to work with the children there doing Bible camp, the youth leaders took the youth after the camp was over to a hotel by the ocean for a few days. It was a fun addition to the missions trip but again, it did cost some extra money. The group did pay for the hotel and food with their own money but I feel that if they had the money for the hotel and food, then they should have used the money for the missions trip itself so that the sponsors wouldn't have had to contribute as much as they did. I was thrilled for my son that he had the great experience of staying by the beach but what kind of a moral lesson did he learn through the leaders' example? I wonder. Where do you draw the line between devoting all the money and time to working on the missions while on the trip and spending some money on the extras for themselves that could have gone toward the cost of the trip itself? And it's not only my church. Another son of mine who goes to another church is right now in Brazil on a ten day long mission to teach the kids the Bible had told me that they were to have about one day to explore and to bring money, about fifty dollars, to spend at a lavish restaurant. To me, that seems more reasonable than going to a hotel for a few days but still? I realize that companies do the same thing when they send their people to conferences out of town and while there, the people can spend as much money as they want eating out and on fun things in addition to showing up at the meetings but that's a different situation, isn't it? The companies spend their own money sending their employees in order to improve production from the employees, not like the church groups who raise funds from the others for the trips to make possible for the people to go and serve the others in less privileged areas. But is it okay for the people to go on and spend money on themselves on eating out and fun things? What do you think?

If your dd has a profound hearing loss, then I suggest that you and your family learn sign language together. It would be a fun activity which would help her in the long run. My dd and ds both have mild hearing loss but they still find it easier to communicate in sign language as it is less fatiguing mentally than trying to understand all of spoken speech all day long even though they wear hearing aids. Also if your dd is autistic, (i am not sure if she is), then sign language is also helpful for her according to an article I found on the Signing Times website. Sign language is supposed to give the autistic children another avenue to develop language skills.

Well, here is a sticky situation with a friend of my 13 year old son. They have been friends since they were eight years old. Their friendship is a beautiful thing. Her mom is a very nice person and a good friend. Well, since my husband died about a year and half ago, my son has been having sleep issues and has had a couple of panic attacks. His friend knows this. So since she knows this, she confides in him because he would understand how she feels based on his own experiences. She has started having severe insomnia and panic attacks for some reason that I don't understand. So lately she has been calling him during the night while she is unable to sleep and even calls him sometimes when she is having panic attacks. My son said that her family knows that she can't sleep. But she won't go to her parents during the night. I had noticed that my son had been having worse sleep issues than normal and I got this out of him yesterday. He doesn't want me to tell her parents that she calls him. He wants to keep on helping her. I have made my decision already to take away his phone and tablet at night and also I am going to talk to him about his responsibility to take care of himself and about his responsibility to let me be the parent and teacher to him during the day. I can't be a good teacher if he keeps dozing off during the lessons. I also will tell him that she does have parents and the pastor to talk to. But now I am uncertain as to whether I should tell her mom that she has been calling my son during the night and that she is talking to him instead of her own parents. Or should I just let it go and hope that she will turn to her parents or pastor for help during the night? I am worried that she might get more emotionally unbalanced and harm herself in some way. What do you think? I have no experience with panic attacks or severe insomnia except for the two months after my husband died.

Thank you so much! I see now that my son's and daughter in law's situation is different from my own situation when my dh died. I understand better how they might be feeling now and I will respect their wishes for privacy. I had done similar things for them in the past when they had colds or when they moved and needed help but this time I will wait a day or two before having anything delivered to them. I didn't think how it might bug them if I just dropped off flowers and brownies without staying so I am glad I asked for feedback from you.

Hello, well, I have a daughter in law whom I am very fond of but sometimes I am uncertain as to what the best thing to do is. I never had a mother in law myself and also, I never had a miscarriage. She had one last night. This was her first time to be pregnant. She and my son live just a few miles away. So when my son texted me today the sad news, I suggested that I drop by briefly. He texted back that he and his wife would rather be alone today to process the loss. I understand that but I myself had suffered the loss of my husband not too long ago, and I was grateful when people from church and the neighborhood dropped by even if it was only for a few minutes. So I am thinking that I would bring some flowers and brownies and then just drop them off at the door. Would that be crossing any boundaries? It doesn't feel right to me that they should be sitting at home alone with no one else to comfort them but having a miscarriage is quite different from losing a spouse so I suppose the grieving process is different also? They do have each other which is different from my situation. Please give me advice so I can help them either by leaving them alone or what?

Also, older people tend to be hard of hearing which is another reason why they startle easily. I have that problem myself as I am deaf so I never know when a person is speaking to me from behind or next to me or even in front of me sometimes. And it annoys me when the cashier announces that a new lane is open and I see people behind me dashing over to the new cashier and then I realize that I missed the announcement yet again. It would be the kind thing for us, if the cashier makes the announcement, to let the person in front of you go to the new lane ahead of you especially if he/she seems to be sick, handicapped, or elderly.

Well, wow. I thought that I was maybe overreacting but I guess not. I think that the youth group does need more adult supervision but at the same time, the youth pastor does let things go too far. I was not sure if I was overreacting or not because he has been a soccer coach for many years and even works at the public high school so I assumed that he knew the rules for proper behavior among the team players and that he would have good judgement where injuries were concerned. I don't know. Maybe he puts the two groups in different categories. I plan on talking to him tomorrow after church and see what he says. I want to give him a chance to explain himself. I also want to get his assurance that things will change to make the youth group a safe place for kids. If he can't or won't assure me of that, then I will go to the church leadership. I will keep my son out of the youth group until this is resolved and if it can't be resolved, I'll look for another one. Thanks so much! Now I feel more confident that I can handle this. ETA: My son is doing a lot better today after having headaches and grogginess for the past two days. But that's two days of schoolwork missed. Grrrr.

I am curious about how much roughhousing is going on in youth groups in your churches. I am wondering about that because there is a lot of it in our youth group. My son, age 13, gets hurt almost every week with rug burns from being dragged across the carpet, elbow or ankle pain from rough housing, and headaches and so on. Last Wednesday, they played a game where they were holding hands and pulling each other and breaking into circles. I'm not sure of the rules. The girl that my son was partner with suddenly let go her hold on his hands and so he fell backwards and hit his head so hard that he blacked out for a little bit. I took him to the hospital the next day as he was still having a bad headache and was still feeling woozy and disoriented. The doctor said that he had a mild concussion. I am pretty upset about it but I wonder if I am blowing it out of proportion. I have four older boys after all they didn't get hurt as often or as bad when they were in the youth group. Also, when I picked him up, he was holding an ice pack on his head but he downplayed it. I saw the youth pastor but he said nothing about what happened. I didn't realize that he had blacked out until we were in the car and that the nurse who happened to be there had given him a few tests to check for brain damage and told him to see the doctor the next day. She didn't say anything to me either. It seems odd to me that they didn't talk to the mother of the boy who was knocked out briefly or is it not odd? I am getting fed up with the level of roughhousing and am tempted to pull him out of the youth group. And I'll begin looking for a new one for him but if this kind of activity is normal for a youth group, then I wouldn't bother looking for a new one.

Hello everyone, you have been incredibly helpful! I didn't realize that Danny's brain might have been affected by his grief but I think Joanne is right about this. This gives me the push I need to take him for a physical checkup and then take him to a male grief counselor. I did research on the effects of grief on a person but i guess I forgot about that. I guess my brain is affected too, sigh. I think we both are ready to talk about this with someone else now. We couldn't this past year. My 21 year old son moved back home after his dad died to help keep us company and also for himself and he will be living here for another year. He has been very supportive to his little brother and me. I think that as for school, I will continue with the math and language arts but slow down on science and history and so on. Thanks so much! I read and reread your responses:)

I am an old boardie who seldom comes here anymore mostly because my husband died suddenly a year ago in May of a heart attack. I have six children, five of whom have already graduated from high school and are either married or in college. They are doing all right. But my youngest was only 12 when his dad died. He seems to be doing all right overall but he doesn't sleep well at night. Right now he is sleeping on the couch as he didn't sleep until 3 am this morning and got up early to go to his PE class. Last year, we had a hard time with home school which is not surprising, but he finished most of his math and grammar so that was good. This year, I was surprised to see that even though he is focusing better on his school work, he still tires easily so he is going very slowly though his school work again like last year. He is in eighth grade. So...it looks like another light year in schoolwork but he is in eighth grade. I know it is important for him to keep up with his math and English but I also really wanted him to move on in science and history as they can help him keep his interest in learning in a disciplined way. I also want him to move on in literature and Latin. And do more writing of compositions. He didn't write any last year. I signed him up for literature and Latin classes with Scholars Online and he is doing okay so far but I really don't know if his grieving will get in the way and I don't want him to feel bad about not being able to keep up if that happens. He does like the teachers and the books but it might be better if he waits until next year but then again, what if the classes are what would motivate him to focus on other things other than his grief which should be a good thing? I could teach these subjects myself but I also am struggling still with some bad days myself and I still am not sure of how my own year will turn out. I am thinking of unschooling him in science and history but is that acceptable in eighth grade? I guess what I am really asking is how little structure we can get away with this year and still have a rich and enjoyable education that includes learning some good study skills, math, and grammar.