Several people have said that I should stop cooking during the week. I don't understand. Do people really not eat hot meals every night? I am having trouble wrapping my head around eating leftovers, sandwiches, breakfast foods, etc. every night. That is such a foreign concept to me. I have been using my crockpot and making casseroles (both of which were not allowed when he was still here.) I have simplified meal planning by setting a "theme" every night (soup, pasta, chicken, etc.) I meal plan 1/2 a month at a time. Meal prep, eating, and clean up takes about an hour. We have a dishwasher. I am going to insist that none of us leave the table/kitchen until everything is cleaned. If we all pitch in, we can do it in 15 minutes or so. As it is now, each child has a room that they are responsible for. The problem is that I haven't held them accountable for that. So, I will remind them to do their chores when they get home. They don't get dinner until they are done. That is simple, to the point, and doesn't take a lot of planning or thinking. As for the messy child...I don't know yet. He just cleaned the shed out and took all of his tools and car/engine parts to the new shop he is working out of. Maybe I'll move everything but his clothes to the shed, and only leave the clothes he actually wears. The house isn't terrible right now...just needs a quick pick up and the bathrooms cleaned. My 9yo mopped the kitchen and dining room yesterday, and most of the floors have been vacuumed. It will be ok...I hope.

dp

dp

I agree with your Mom.

We already have the work divided up - it just isn't getting done. That is the point. Accountability takes time and energy that is in short supply. Also, this isn't a normal divorce situation. That is why we have therapists coming in twice a week (family systems therapists.) There are significant mental health issues, an estranged husband who cannot care for himself, and some DV issues. I am overwhelmed by the enormity of the situation. I am coming to terms with the fact that I won't have any help, financial or otherwise. He is talking about leaving and moving home, which would leave me alone with 6 kids (at the same time, this would alleviate some other isseus.) I have realized as I have mulled over this post that the chores aren't the issue, but rather a symptom of the problem.

Where I work and where we live are totally separate places, so there is no bus between them. My county does have a public transit system, but it is not for children, and only operates in our county. Basically, I am going to have to schedule medical appts as efficiently as possible. They already don't go unless absolutely necessary (other than an annual visit to keep us "active".) I am beginning to calm down a little. Reality is reality.

That just seems...complicated. How long does it take to set up and maintain? My 15yo wouldn't go for it. He can get work paying $8-10 an hour pretty regularly and gets paid more than that for occasional mechanics jobs ($75 minimum), so piddly amoutns for cleaning bathrooms wouldn't motivate him.

This is an ugly reality for many people. Protective orders aren't worth the paper they are written on. Making the decision to leave or some other change in dynamic must be made with the understanding that death may occur. It is simply the reality. I am so sorry for her surviving family.

I would live in an area where we could walk most places and take public transport to others as long as (a) the schools were GOOD, and (b) we didn't have to live in a low income neighborhood. Been there, done that, and don't EVER plan to do it again. I don't need a big house. I don't need my own car. I would love to live near parks, stores, museums, etc. I do need good schools, a safe area, and friendly, non-drama filled neighbors.

The kids already fold and put away all their own clothes. The 12yo won't wear dirty clothes, but the 11yo and 15yo don't care. I may only spend 15 minutes a day on laundry. Dinner prep, eating, and basic cleanup takes about an hour. The 7yo's homework takes an hour to an hour and a half. I have to help the 12yo with his at times (he spends about 2 hours on his, but that is not all hands on for me.) The 11yo has to read to me (20 minutes.) I have to supervise showers, getting ready for the next day, etc. All of this adds up, and we only have roughly 2.5 hours to do it in. They aren't allowed TV, computer, or any other "screens" during the week. If I play hard ball, it would be that they didn't get dinner until chores were done. I know everyone keeps saying, "Lower your standards," but there is only so low you can go. There are basic things that have to be done everyday. I can't do them all myself, but it seems that getting the kids to do then takes just as much time. It came to a head this morning when my 12yo was screaming at his 15yo brother that he was tired of living in a trash hole. The 4 boys share a room, and the 15yo can't seem to handle anything clean (he WANTS the mess.) Everyone functions better in an orderly environment. Everyone functions better with structure. Ideally, I would hire someone to be here from 3:30 untli I get home that would supervise chores and help with homework. Until I get a much better job, that won't be possible. So I have to work with what I have. Thanks for all the input - you are helping me think through how I can make this less overwhelming.

It is actually pretty organized - I spent Thanksgiving weekend declutering, and I only have to do the bathrooms and finish mine and the girls' room. Getting someone to come in once a week may be worth the sacrifice it would take to pay for it. It would force us to keep it straight, yet have someone handle the actual heavy cleaning. I'll definitely think on that some more, and ask around for recommendations. I COULD use some help getting the outside done, but don't need help regularly. Just not having to look at how junky and overgrown it has gotten would help my mood quite a bit. I have talked to the a school social worker before, and I have a lot of connections at DSS. There aren't a lot of resources for things like that. Getting the kids TO the doctor's office would help, as it is right down from my work. Right now to go to the doc requires a 45 minute each way trip. I might consider switching doctors, but I'll have to think carefully. We have a great ped with whom I have a great relationship. As far as dentists, there isn't one in my closest town that takes state insurance, so we have to go to the city where I work. It is another problem that needs a solution. I definitely plan to do some precooking tomorrow for this week. I just need to hold them accountable - they either do it, or some consequence happens. I need to be able to come home and inspect chores, finding them done. They are all old enough to do this without the need for a system you describer. Mine do fold their own clothes, and some do their own laundry (sort of.) Laundry isn't an issue, really, other than it is one more thing to do. I have about 2.5 hours from the time I get home until the kids go to bed, so even under a great deal of efficiency it is a lot to do. I need to work on better utilizing my time from 5-6:30am and 8:30-11pm (These are times I am awake and kids aren't.) Thanks for the ideas, everyone.

Yes, my 11yo can do quite a bit. I think the biggest solution is going to be holding them accountable for what they are supposed to do. I have roughly 3 hours a night to get everything done, and we have to pull together.

WOW! I don't do near that amount of laundry (I have 6 at home.) I'm gone 11 hours a day, but I'm in bed at 11 (up at 5.) Your life does sound exhausting.

The only family that could help live in a place where I could not easily find a job that could support us well. I have a *personal* support system here of good friends, but none that can offer any practical help on a regular basis.

This is not a bad idea. I do need to simplify meal prep, but without sacrificing nutrition. Mess stresses me out and makes things worse. Also, having therapists in the house twice a week means that it has to be reasonable. I just want basics done. If I leave it until the weekend, then we have this horrible few hours of trying to get the basics done, and then no time left for actual cleaning. I HAVE to hold the kids accountable on weekdays for the basics (which are dishes, stuff picked up, living/dining room vacuumed, pet care, and laundry.)

Maybe this is just a vent, I don't know. I work FT. I am gone from 7am to 6pm. Unfortunately, my kids come home to an empty house (I don't make enough at this time to pay someone to be here.) When I come home, I often have to clean the kitchen before I can cook. The kids will not do the basic chores I give them. If they did them daily, it would probably take them 30 minutes. The house is often a disaster, and every Saturday morning it ends up being a huge fight, and takes a couple of hours (and usually ends up with everyone screaming at each other, including me.) They complain they hate having to "clean all the time." Obviously that isn't true since the house is always a mess! I know I should hold them accountable everyday, but I am SO overwhelmed I don't have the mental energy to do it. When I come home at 6, I have to get dinner done, do laundry, help with homework, and a million other things before I fall into bed exhausted. We have family therapists in the house at least twice a week. Since just doing the basics takes so much time/energy, the deep cleaning doesn't get done. My yard is HORRIFIC, and even when the house is "neat" it is dirty. My 15yo has serious issues (hence the therapists,) and he refuses to do pretty much anything. I cleaned out the boys' room (the 4 share,) and he had his side DESTROYED within a couple of days. It is dangerous on his side of the room - you cannot access the window from anywhere but his bed, and getting to his bed is almost impossible. I am TIRED - did I mention that already? We have some serious family issues due to mental illness and the impending divorce. There are some very hard decisions to be made (with the therapists involved) which are most likely going to mean that I lose any and all help (physical - he doesn't pay child support, and only makes about $900 a month.) These are issues that have to be handled carefully because it could put me in serious danger otherwise. I am overwhelmed trying to figure out how to be a single mother of 6 with NO help - no one else to be here when I can't, no one else to take kids to the doctor/dentist, no one else to be at home when kids are sick. I am already stressing about what I am going to do next summer. So I guess the chores are just a symptom of the problem.

Not at all. I looked at our street view - you can just barely see the end of the house through the trees.

And THAT is the reason I live way out here and commute to Durham!

Google Durham, NC bus shootings. Then again, you can be assualted and carjacked there, too! LOL

I should've quoted you! I cannot homeschool anymore, because I work FT to support my 6 dc at home.

I rent the worst house in the best school district I could afford. I will NOT send my kids to school where my work is, and I can't afford (in any way, shape, or form) to live in the next closest town. I don't live in a suburb so I can have a big lawn. I live in an old doublewide in the country so my kids can go to good schools.

It isn't that I don't want one. I can't afford one. Sure, it may save me money over time, but I don't have the money up front to invest. I drive a car that isn't worth $1600, much less $16K.

I'm happy that I have a 1993 Celica to drive. LOL Even if a $16K car that gets that high of gas mileage were available, I would have to pay for it. Either way, it will cost me more.

But I live 8 miles outside of a small town, so I would have to get to that town, and then into the city where I work, and then to my actual workplace. i rode the bus everywhere when i lived in Cincinnati. I was excited when we moved to Durham, NC because there was public transport. Unfortunately, it took forever (and 3 buses) to get anywhere. I guess I worry about the extra time having to take public transport would take. Adding an hour each direction would mean 2 more hours a day my children were home alone.

Yes. However, I don't have a lot of expectations for any public transport out here in the middle of nowhere. There is a bus that goes to the nearest town 8 miles away, but it doesn't run late enough. Not only that, but I would have to get to the 4yo's Pre-K first, THEN get on the bus. It takes me an hour to take the 4yo to school, and then get to work. That has me gone from 7am to 6pm already. I would hate for my commute to be any longer than that.