OMG! How wonderful!! Enjoy your trip, and do some more! 😁

Thank you. You are not wrong. I think I will remember this post. For me, two of my biggest fears are being made fun of and being talked badly about. Even though the rational part of me says not to care, apparently, I must...a lot. (I think really that it is her constant negative words from over the years that play over and over in my head.) I wouldn't care if I could just leave the situation but knowing that I can't completely, I walk on eggshells. Because if I don't keep everyone and everything even keel, I'm afraid I won't be able to cope. The only way to get past a silent treatment when I was a child was to accept all blame for upsetting her, apologize profusely, and pretty much kiss her feet for however long was necessary. It made me feel horrible and I hated it. I went out of my way to avoid it. I refuse to apologize for anything now, except if I'm actually at fault for something legit. I learned not to cry or show emotion growing up. Any time that I faltered and did cry or complain about something difficult I was going through, she told me to grow a thicker skin, patronized me, etc. But the real punishment came when we'd be around other people in a week or two or whenever, and she would tell everyone about me crying and then make boo-hooing sounds and cry faces and get others to join in and laugh at me. I mean it's difficult for other people not to laugh at her antics even if they feel sorry for me and don't agree with her. People really don't know how to respond to that kind of thing.

Yes, I didn't really get that my sister and I were abused growing until these past couple of years. It was so normalized that we truly did think that we were the problems. I tried to become perfect and never complain about anything so that no one could find fault in me (and make fun of me like my mom liked to do). My sister developed low self esteem and OCD. I intuitively created boundaries by being overinvolved with school sports and clubs and such...any acceptable excuse to not be home. Then, I went to college and stayed away until my DH and I had a child. We moved back to our rural hometown so that we could afford to build a nice house to raise our daughter in. Biggest mistake ever. When my mom got sick with cancer this last time, all boundaries dissolved when I tried to be the perfect patient advocate for her. I did what I was groomed to do. I regret the majority of it. She doesn't even remember all the time my daughter and I spent in the hospitals, which was every day, all day, and many, many, many nights (for me).

This is a lovely story. I hadn't read it before. My mom initially does okay in hospital settings. She claims that all the doctors and nurses love her. (I kind of doubt this.) She starts off being outwardly nice but speaks poorly and makes fun of most everyone behind their backs. As time goes on, her true colors start showing. When she's under the influence of certain drugs, she gets really nasty with people...racial slurs and all. She was so mean to some physical therapists (one was Asian) at one rehab place that they actually did some not so nice things to her in retaliation. (Essentially, mostly made her sit longer in a chair than she wanted to. One day it was for many hours, though, and I guess it was pretty painful for her. She was a Hoyer Lift patient, so she couldn't stand or move very well on her own.) It truly was abuse, but I talked to them about it and they stopped. She moved facilities no too long after that. I honestly think they were done with her. She did spend some time in a nursing home once. She was mean to the workers and spoke badly about them so that they could hear. I gave her a very stern talking to (that they could hear) that got me all kinds of insults and the silent treatment (one of her favs). She "killed them with kindness" after that. Her words. In other words, she manipulated them into getting what she wanted. I initially was relieved when she went into the nursing home, but I got raked over the coals any day that I missed visiting. Having constant visitors is part of winning a contest for her. I got to listen again just this morning about how so and so says she visits her mother in the nursing home every day but my mom knows for a fact that she doesn't. And, that so and so just runs in ever now and again for five minutes. And, then she made snarky noises. So, you see what the expectation is. ETA: I do think she started enjoying being in the nursing home, though, after a time. She likes their PT people very much and still talks fondly of them. But then, she got homesick and better enough to leave.

Yes, I've been processing that post for months. I've really been working on healing, coming to terms with a lot of different things, and planning for a different future. I'm trying to work on my thinking, but I want to be sure that I'm not being selfish. Because I feel selfish. But, I don't understand why other people's happiness relies so much on my unhappiness. This has been a recurring theme throughout my life. When other people aren't getting along with my mom, she just says they need to get some happy pills. I don't need happy pills. I need a change of scenery. I need an actual life...my own life.

How I was conditioned to act and what I actually believe, are two different things. There is/was nothing more important to me than my child and husband. Two of my most important values were never say divorce (not even when teasing) and no single parenting. But when it came down to it, I was conditioned to act differently than what I believed. My mom has hammered into my brain (and everyone else's) for decades that she always wants all heroic efforts to made in saving her life and to never put her into a nursing home. So, that's what I did. I saved her life numerous time and didn't put her into a nursing home. I never actually "agreed" to any caregiving all the months my mom was in the hospital and rehab, as I knew many of the costs from having provided her care before, but the rehab placed pushed me into taking her home (not mine, hers). As she was not ready for home and didn't have the proper equipment there, so I got sucked into it all. Plus, she would be going through cancer treatment. How could I not help, right? Well, it all morphed into a very long, horrible situation I thought would improve but never really did.

I can assure you that I've worked plenty hard on it...and failed. Now, all I can do is be his friend and wish him well in his future aspirations.

Sadly, this is now impossible. He has developed some significant mental issues over the past several years (coupled with some from his childhood that neither of us knew existed until the perfect storm arose) that has changed him fundamentally. He is in counseling, and I am trying to help get him back to a stable point. (It's been really, really difficult and traumatic...a whole other caregiving situation for me. Only a few people in his family know about it. None in mine.) While I would have stayed with him until the end of my days, that is not what he desires. (And after the last eight months, I'm not sure I do now either.) While we have been best friends since high school, even that can't hold us together in this case, apparently. We hope to remain friends and family of sorts. For DD's sake, for all of our sake's. Maybe one day in the far future I'll come back and tell you all about it.

I think part of it is that I'll have to be somewhere (and I want to be somewhere enriching), and I think she may have a hard time adjusting. She hasn't been unscathed by all this. And, there might be a point where it may make financial sense for her to move in with me during some of her schooling. I'd prefer this not to be the case, but I'm trying to plan ahead. It's going to be a financial challenge. Also, if I work for the school that she goes to, I can get a significant tuition discount after two years of work. (I am not a professor or other type of instructor.)

Please don't quote, so I may erase this completely later, if I desire. Yes, I'm still struggling with caregiving issues with my mother. She is unhappy with me right now, and I know a huge storm is brewing. As my reality of what's normal in life is, well, far from normal, I am trying to gain some perspective of what is typical/normal/generally expected of me as a daughter. What do adult children "owe" their elder and/or disabled parents? DH and I have discussed this topic several times of late, and we have our opinions, but I'd like to know what others think. As you may remember, my mom has a difficult ileostomy. She changes it by herself when we go on vacation, but she doesn't like to because it takes her a long time and stresses her out (and honestly, she just likes when people do things for her). She is obese, and due to weight gain, I have gone from changing it every seven days to every five days to every fours days over time. Now, it needs to be changed every three days. And soon, I bet every two days. I drew the line last week. I told her I cannot come in every 2-3 days to change her bag for her. (I've actually been telling her this for several months.) So, I suggested that she and I switch off every three days for now so she can improve her skill and I can keep an eye on it. That would put me back at changing it every six days. I also gave her a two-year warning. I told her that when DD goes to college that I have to go back to work so I can help pay for college and my own retirement. That she needs to become more independent because I will no longer be able to do what I've been doing these past six years. What she doesn't yet know is that DH and I will be separating/divorcing around the same time. (In large part due to the stress this care giving situation put on our family.) I will become the primary parent to DD and need to provide for myself for the first time since early college (over twenty years ago). DH and I plan to make fresh starts in separate cities but remain friends. I want to move close to wherever my daughter, who is an only child, goes to college so that I can provide support whenever she needs it, and so she doesn't have to drive hours to visit "home." I know that for me I need to be out of this situation and small town to heal from many different types of trauma. I absolutely cannot stay here after DD leaves for college. There is no one else who can help take care of my mom. (She's done a number on my sister over the years, and my sister has a full life too and generally has a difficult time coping. My mom treats her horribly because she won't help take care of her.) But, I am still overwhelmed by the idea of what I "owe" this parent. For the record, she never helped her parents with anything, both of which had plenty of health issues.

It wasn't a "resort fee" or for parking, was it? Hate those.

Yes! We've never had a winter like this. We can barely hack the cold and dark this year. And, that there is little recreationally to do.

This. It's a quality show. We watch it in between binging on other shows.

Wow, okay. Looks like I was overthinking it a bit. I forgot about this chart. I have the MP National Latin Exam Intro study guide. I guess I can use my $10 MP coupon from their Christmas card and order the Beginning guide.

DD is a sophomore and in her fourth year of Latin study (MP Fourth Form). I had planned for her to take the National Latin Exam for the first time last year, but we had a lot going on, and I failed. Should I register her for the Intro level this year? Then, Beginning and Intermediate for her junior and senior years? Or, should we be striving for more advanced testing? Students can only take one exam per year. I've looked at last year's exams. I think the Intermediate would be a bit of a stretch because there are a few things on it that we haven't gotten to yet. I think she could do pretty well on the Beginning level but maybe not ace it. I think she could do very well on the Intro level. This would be if she took any of the tests without much preparation. DD hasn't taken a lot of standardized-type testing, so I'm leaning toward letting her take the Intro as a confidence booster. But, I also feel like maybe she should be more advanced than that after 3.5 years of Latin.

We have Mennonite neighbors just up the road. They have a couple of businesses in town too. Wow. I've never really thought about how many Christian religions are represented here.

I worked with a Friend (Quaker) in college. I also had a fabulous Quaker tour guide in Salem, Massachusetts, which I thought was interesting. Both men were incredibly nice. And, it was obvious that the tour guide was very well liked throughout the city. If you ever find yourself in need. Lol. https://www.tripadvisor.com/Attraction_Review-g60954-d8646747-Reviews-Salem_Walking_Tours-Salem_Massachusetts.html Don't know any Quakers in my small rural town, though. I know one Jewish family who lives here. Many pentecostals. Several JW. No one practicing Middle Eastern or Asian religions that I know of. Although, I also worked with a Muslim in college. I knew people from many Christian denominations in college. They are mostly represented in my small town. Went to a Wiccan seasonal meeting in college too. Super interesting. I've been to a UU meeting. I don't think I've ever met a Scientologist or Christian Scientist, though. Oddly enough, we do have a reading room in town. It's fairly new.

I want to thank everyone again. This has been really helpful for me the past couple of days. But now, I'm feeling a bit too overwhelmed. I need to step back and let it all simmer; process. You are not wrong. Many of you have posted similar advice to what I've posted to others here. What I've posted in this thread was beyond my original intent. And, it's truly only half the story. The other stuff I'm not willing to share. And, it's substantial. Thank you, again. I'm off to take a break.

Yes, and no. The caregiving situation coupled with a couple of other stressful situations at the same time was a huge catalyst for setting off latent mental issues in DH from some trauma he experienced during childhood. Neither of us knew they existed...not to the extent that they have manifested anyway. There has been a lot of slow change in him. And, it's ongoing. We have never argued or fought about any of the caregiving stuff. That is not our way. It was a situation where we got sucked into something we thought was temporary. We thought/kept hoping things would improve. Things kind of improved, but not really. Not in the way we needed them to. We both have always seen the situation for what it is...a series of very unfortunate events that we can't figure a way out of. We don't really blame anyone. And, maybe that's part of the problem. It would be so easy to get angry and blame and hate people. I think we will always live on the edge of that. But, when you analyze all that has happened in our lives and place yourself in other people's shoes, you can feel their pain and desperateness too. You can see the domino effect of evil people and tragic events in other people's lives from years ago, and how it all has shaped the people in our own lives. And, ultimately shaped us. Can I blame the person I am caregiving for. Absolutely, but I know the evil and tragedy that shaped this person. Can I blame my DH. Sure, but I know the evil from his past that shaped him too. It is what's transforming him now. Ultimately, DH saw a way out of his despair. A way to a different life. Sadly, it doesn't involve me...not in the way it used to anyway. While we used to be perfect for one another in just about every way, we no longer seem to be able to provide what the other needs beyond basic companionship. And while I would give just about anything to have my old DH back, he's not that person anymore. And, I am trying to accept that. But, it's very much like looking into the Mirror of Erised. We are trying to reshape our love and friendship into a different form...for DD's sake, but for our own sakes too, I think. I'm just not sure we're going to be able to manage it. It may end up being enough for him, but I don't think it will ever be for me. I'm not sure that this exactly fits here, but if I'm not out of the caregiving situation before divorcing and DD goes off to college, I'm afraid I'll never get out. When it's down to just me, it will just be me sacrificing. I'll be the perfect fit to move in full time, won't I? Except that I've never been the perfect fit. I think we all know I'm caregiving for a parent. I did not have a happy childhood. I counted down the days in that house for years. College was my out. When I came back home for the summer after that first year, I sat numbly in my room when I wasn't working...counting down the days until I could go back to college. I never came home from college again...nothing beyond the days right around the holidays. This is not the first time I've been in a caregiving situation with this parent. They were shorter stints, though. And, every time I've gone "home" to help, I've sat numbly waiting to be out again. Having DH got me through. Without DH, I won't make it.

Thank you, Eos. That is powerful.

You are not wrong. I think about this a lot. DD and I have talked about it on a couple of occasions. She has strong opinions about the caregiving situation and that person's narcissist tendencies, but she admits that it doesn't affect her overly much anymore. She's sad for me but okay herself. (I have extricated her from the situation as much as possible, but she has no clue how much different her life could have been.) Apparently, in today's youth culture, the trend is to just drop people that cause you unhappiness. I guess she has heard this from several YouTubers she watches. And while this is true in the extreme, if no one is ever willing to sacrifice a little of themselves for others, then where does that leave us as human beings? What is the point of marriage and friendship? Who can anyone rely on when they're in need? Ultimately, you're not wrong, though. It's been such a gradual thing that only now am I truly seeing all that has been lost. But, there is no going back. I cannot reset that past...only attempt to set a new future. For what it's worth, I don't walk around the house crying (well, I do, but not where anyone can see). I'm not in hysterics. I don't cry on DD's shoulder. DH and I aren't yelling at each other. I make sure I take time to positively engage with her during and outside of school. And, I encourage DH to do the same. But, she knows DH and my lights are out. She sees his out more than mine. But, we still make a good family. And, she's owed that. .

This has long been under discussion, and will likely come to a head very soon. It's super high risk. Only one hospital in the area, a very good hospital, will even consider it. And, they may pass in the end. This person's intestines are a mess with a bunch of different issues (hernia too). Most doctors have never seen anything like it. Even though the intestines are technically set up for reconnection, after removing fistulas, etc., there likely won't be enough to actually reconnect. So, moving the stoma is the only option. Moving the stoma could be great. But, the really fabulous thing about fistulas is that they often seem to find a way to come back. I am terrified. If the surgery sets off a whole new batch of fistulas, they can pop up anywhere around the trauma area at any time...days, weeks, months after this person is released from the hospital. Then, I'm potentially troubleshooting and changing multiple bags. I had to do this very thing before I tracked down the bigger bag. D-Day may come very soon. If this person chooses to undergo surgery, which in many ways I'm all for, then I will be putting my foot down. I can do no more than I'm doing now. And, I really can't do what I'm doing much longer. It's going to be horrible. This person is a narcissist and will be working against me. I'm not without empathy, but I feel like a parasitic twin. And, I have the essential part to the other's life. This person's quality of life is directly connected to me. I can detach and survive. But, I have to live with guilt the rest of my life. To the other person, my sacrifices are small. But, no one knows how all this has affected my family and that my perfect marriage is ending. (I did put my foot down once before behind closed doors to get the person admitted to a nursing home with a different issue, but this person got better enough to return home. Nothing I could do. And, besides the ostomy stuff, it was right. This person wasn't there for ostomy stuff.)

I was trying to be a little cryptic to protect my identify. It wouldn't take much for someone out there to figure me out. Why anyone would want to, I do not know. But, these posts do turn up in search results. What I've revealed here over the years would cause family issues that I don't have the bandwidth to deal with. It's ostomy care. It is an extremely difficult ostomy. Doctors bring other doctors in to see it. Doctors want this person to remove their bag while in the hospital just so they can look at it. And, that's a heck no!! The stoma is recessed (the part that usually sticks out died and had to be cut off). And, there are a number of fistulas involved. New ones can form at anytime and wreak major havoc. The person is also overweight, and the ostomy is in a very bad spot. The more weight the person gains, the less wear time we get out of the bag. (We used to go 7 days on a smaller bag. Now, we go 4, but it really needs to be 2-3 days due to breakdown sometimes, but I don't want to be there changing it that often.) But if I get too greedy with my time, I'm punished. Bags don't stick when breakdown bleeds or oozes. Then, we enter hell. We use the biggest bag that is available, which there is only one option for. But, I have to adapt the bag because it doesn't work as is. I've had to put hours of research in online finding other supplies from various companies to add to the bag to make it work (and are covered by Medicare). I've had to modify supplies and methods so many times over the years that if this version of the bag quits working, I don't know what I'll do. I am out of ideas and products to try. This person also gets intestinal blockages fairly frequently, which causes all kinds of problems. Things you can't even think of until it happens. We literally had a bag blow off the body when a blockage released. The pressure was that immense. There was one situation where the hospital overloaded this person with fluids and the area around the stoma started seeping. The bag would not stick at all. That means poop everywhere 24/7. That was super hell. I had to beg the hospital to take them back. I had to convince them it was a real medical problem. Luckily, it was, or it would have been all mine to deal with. (Fluid overload can be serious. We didn't know the issue was fluid overload at the beginning, though. The hospital had actually caused the issue when this person was in the hospital a couple days prior with another issue. They were actually negligent.) This is the situation that made many nurses cry. Few nurses want to deal with ostomies under the best of circumstances. No one wanted to deal with this. Some couldn't cope at all. And, it takes way too much time, so it's high stress for them. They have other patients they need to tend. The person cannot see the stoma when looking down due to weight/size. Using a mirror to change it is difficult. I've trained this person, but I admit, it would be difficult with a mirror with a clear mind...more so with a less-than-clear mind and weak hands. So, I draw on this person's stomach with a Sharpie so when they change it, they can just line up the marks. (Sounds easy enough, but it's not. Putting an ostomy bag on virtually blind is nerve-racking and not at all failproof.) This method only works so long. If the marks rub off, that's a problem. If the person (or myself) forget to draw the marks, that's a problem. The angle the person lies in when I change the bag is different than when they do it. That can be a problem because skin moves and the marks shift. If the holes don't get covered correctly, the bag leaks, sometimes instantly. I have literally not even made it into my house after changing a bag before getting a phone call to come change it again...because something failed. There are numerous ways for a bag to fail. Manufacturing flaws are the worst because then numerous bags that I spent time making may or may not need to be trashed. The bags are expensive to make. Medicare only gives us so much. Hospitals don't even stock the bag size or supplies we use. We have to supply them. I have exceeded the knowledge of most ostomy and wound care nurses. They ask me questions. And, I teach them. (And while I do have some pride in this, it also makes me feel alone and helpless.) We ask and ask for help. We get little. I think there is one nurse that works in a clinic setting that has ever actually helped me beyond the first time this person came home from the hospital with the ostomy years ago. I feel as though my entire family's happiness depends on how well I perform. I know my happiness does.

I want to thank everyone for the advice. You have made a lot of great points and given me a lot to think about. You have helped me process and move on mentally in a time where I was having a really tough time. There are two things I'm really struggling with. One is how to get out of the caregiving situation. I have been trying to figure this out for more than five years now. And, I simply can't. I seem to be THE solution. The person I provide caregiving services for isn't currently unwell enough to go into a facility. But, this person does need real support. Sometimes, this support is only needed twice a week. But, I'm ALWAYS on call, which causes anxiety. And when things go south, I can be providing services daily, in the middle of night, etc. (DH and I had to leave Christmas with his family this year to run this person to the hospital.) And, I can't go anywhere without making sure I have kits prepared. It takes a little over an hour to make 2-3 kits, if I hurry. And, one kit is needed at least every four days when things are going well. If things are not going well, I might use two kits in one day and two more the next day or the day after. It involves making/crafting, not just gathering supplies. And, it's more than that. I have to analyze the situation when things aren't going well and figure out how to make modifications that work. Sometimes, they don't. And, I lose more life. I have to perform well to have any kind of life. So, there is stress in making the kits. I have to always be at the top of my game with these kits or life will quickly become more intensively stressful. Going on vacation requires a lot of preparation and planning. In-home health isn't the solution people generally think it is. There are many rules with Medicare. It is very temporary and requires improvement for the services to continue. The goal is to train someone in the home/family to carry out the nursing duties. Once that is achieved, that's it. They're gone, and they won't come back unless a new and different issue arises. It doesn't matter in this case, they aren't skilled enough to do what needs to be done. Nurses in the hospitals aren't even skilled enough. And, neither will make the kits, as they can't dedicate that much time to one patient. I literally have had to go to the hospital to perform the service...many times. (Nurses have cried and walked out, and flat out refused.) And, when this person was temporarily in a nursing home, I had to do it there too. No one else in my family will do it (or in some cases, truly can't do it). The person I care give for can do the service well enough for a week or two while I'm on vacation with the kits I make when things are going well. When the person is truly ill, they cannot (and, it's a true can't, not a won't...people can't do things when they are so ill that they have a hard time staying conscious). The situation makes me feel hopeless and irrevocably trapped. I literally have to tamp down my emotions to stay sane. I have to fix myself in kind of a depressive state or the repression becomes unbearable. Life becomes too disappointing otherwise. Vacations are difficult to come back from. The other thing I don't get is that if I'm working full time as a single mom, who is supposed to homeschool my daughter? All I see in that is her being alone for hours on end and miserable...a situation where she'll be at high risk for becoming depressed herself.

DD and I discussed this this morning. Your advice is similar to what we came up with....that it would be good to move by the beginning of the summer before college, but a little earlier would be even better. The thing we really need to figure out is whether she'll actually be going to my alma mater. There is one career path she's considering that may or may not be possible there. Your advice is sound, but I'm starting to feel crunched in figuring this all out.