*LC
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Posts posted by *LC
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I hope the rest of recovery goes smoother, but I am so grateful that your husband isn't have a rough recovery in addition to having to decide what needs to be done about a tumor.
*LC
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I RSVP. When things have been crazy, there have been times when I have had to RSVP after the date. When that has happened, I ask if it is all right if my child attends. If it is an at-home party, last minute isn't that big a deal, but I would never show up without calling in advance. If the party is somewhere where they have called in a number, it could be a problem. Luckily, we haven't had this problem the few times I have called late.
I also think where the party is makes a huge difference in the sibling issue. If my child is going to a party at a place where the party-giver pays by the child, I never let the other sibling(s) participate. Usually, at something like this we would drop the child attending and run errands, etc. At a home party, I, especially with my younger kids, might stay with whatever sibling(s) I had to bring. The sibling(s) knows it is not their party, and they just stay with me. If there is extra cake and it is offered, I will let the sibling(s) have some. They do not take a goody bag .... unless we are the last to leave and it is offered. (I'm a big cleaner up at parties, so we are sometimes late leaving as we help clean.)
Three of my kids are having a party together next month to make the sibling thing easier for my friends. I'll have to see how the RSVPs go.
LC
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Praying for better news this weekend.
LC
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I'm sorry to hear about your Dad.
If there is more than one hospice organization in your area, get in touch with all of them.
Before you make the calls, you need to think about a few things that people here have mentioned. If your Dad is able to talk lucidly at all, you will want to get his input.
1. Do you want him at home with hospice care or in a hospice facility? When the hospital set up hospice for my husband, they called an agency that mainly does facility care. I got the hard sell for their facility. It was extremely stressful to decide what he would want while be pressured that "there is only right choice." If we had thought about it ahead of time, it would have been less stressful. They disapproved of my choice to bring him home, and it was not a good transistion.
2. Is your dad's cancer being treated? With most hospice programs that would have to stop.
3. How long can patients stay in their program? There was a lady in our church who was kicked out of the hospice facility a few days after her doctor sent her there, because she was too well. (I heard that Medicare wouldn't pay.) I would think with Alzheimers you would want to avoid too many changes, so it might be worth asking about that. I know another man who has been under hospice care in his home for a few years, so different agencies are definitely different.
4. Since your Dad was doing well a few days ago, you might want to ask what is the policy if you do change your mind if he rebounds from whatever happened for the doctor to suggest hospice.
5. If your dad is going to be treated at home, you can turn down the "things" that hospice wants to provide if he already has them. We already had a hospital bed, but they wanted to provide one. My husband was paralyzed and I didn't want to put him through needing to be moved to another bed.
6. For a hospice facility, ask about visitation? Children's visistation? Go visit to see if it is what you want.
I promise I am not anti-hospice. The first day was awful, but it would have been even if they handled everything correctly. (The nurse that came to do his intake at 10 p.m. complained to me about what a long and rotten day she had had. I finally told her I would take her day over mine any time.) The nurse my husband ended up with was great. I liked knowing all I had to do after he died was to call them. They came and handled everything.
LC
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Pster,
I hope today's appointment brought you some answers. I pray that it was good news.
There are some kinds of tumors that are treated by an oncologist even though they are considered "benign." Some kinds of "benign" central nervous tumors are extremely dangerous. In fact, they have started calling them low-grade tumors instead of benign tumors for the reason you brought up in your post. The surgeon tells the patient that the removed tumor was benign and follow-up with this oncologist. The patients hears benign and thinks "why should I go see an oncologist." So, there is no follow-up or treatment, if needed. Sometimes the only follow-up needed is regular MRIs. (There could be other kinds of benign tumors that work this way, but we dealt with a brain tumor for five years.)
I cyber-know the mom of David from http:38lemon.com that sdWTMer mentioned in her post. She joined a BT mailing list after he was diagnosed three years ago with an inoperable, "benign" brain tumor, grade ll. My husband had the same kind of tumor. (I'm stepping on my soapbox for a moment. If you or a loved one are ever told you have an inoperable brain tumor, go get a few other opinions from the top neurosurgeons that specialize in brain tumors. There are inoperable tumors, but a lot of times "inoperable" has more to do with that particular neurosurgeon's ability than the tumor itself.) It took David a year or more to find a neurosurgeon that would operate. The NS removed half of the tumor, I think. He went on chemo for a couple of years. Last month, he learned the tumor had grown. He had a second surgery. According to his website, his tumor is now "malignant," a grade IV. (Actually, he has a mixed tumor with two different pathologies.) While statistics don't mean anything for an individual patient, the statistics are awful for this particular kind of tumor. The latest advance has brought the average life expectancy up to 14 months after initial diagnosis of a grade IV brain tumor.
Sorry, like Kathy in MD, I don't mean to scare you, but I want to make sure your husband is in the right place. Do I remember correctly that your husband is dealing with a spinal tumor? I don't know about spinal tumors, but I know doctors cannot diagnosis brain tumors with only an MRI. They will tell you that the tissue is the issue even though they may have an opinion on what the biopsy or sugery will reveal. I don't remember your husband having a biopsy or surgery. Is that an option? Have you been told no by the 2 or 3 neurosurgeons that specialize in spinal tumors. (Sorry, back on that soapbox again. It just amazed me that doctors would never suggest seeing a more experienced surgeon that could "save" a patients life.)
Again, I pray that I just gave you a bunch of information that you no longer need.
LC
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Did I write this and forget it? Seriously, you are describing my 7th grade DD, who has been homeschooled since 2nd grade. She is the oldest of 5 though, so I guess I didn't write the original thread.
She has done a wide gamut of homeschool activities and classes, but she doesn't care for most of them, because they are run by homeschool moms. In general, she doesn't care for homeschool moms. She also doesn't want to do things with other homeschool kids and becomes friends with them, because "they like homeschooling, I don't. How can we be friends."
This child has plenty of other friends. We even let her go to public school for 1/2 of 5th grade hoping that she would see it wasn't as great as she remembered from 1st grade. It didn't work. She is a teacher pet and loved it. She still wants to go back and brings it up whenever the conversation warrants it.
I know in the younger forums the frequent answer to the question of whether or not to homeschool is that it is ultimately the parent's decision. But, does that work for high schoolers? I plan to post a message on the HS board at some point asking if you can homeschool high school with a child, who doesn't want to be homeschooled.
LC
What to bring to home of young family who just lost their husband and father.
in General Education Discussion Board
Posted
My husband died last year after having a BT for years. We have five children. They ranged from 3 to 12.
You have received a lot of good advice... even the conflicting advice, because everyone is different.
Paper goods are needed, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to use all the paper plates we were brought. I guess great minds think alike. So, the more uncommon ones might be better.
In terms of storage for food, do they have a stand-alone freezer? Do you know someone that could let them borrow one? That way your hs group could provide frozen meals, because they will need meals for a long time. My kids loved the pizza and fast food that some people brought or gave w/gift cards.
If you give a movie gift certificate or passes to a skating rink, rock climbing gym, something like that, please bring the kids there like you did with swimming. Otherwise it is just something else that mom has to add to her plate or something else she just won't get to. When a spouse dies, there is a lot of stuff that has to be attended to outside of the house, please give the mom a list of people she can call to come watch kids when she goes to meet with an attorney, the court, etc.
In terms of lawncare, could you organize dads or older teens from your group to rotate taking care of these things for the next year. I'm guessing you have snow where you live, so I'm sure help would be appreicated with those duties as well as the lawn in those seasons. My neighbor calls from time to time to see if it is a good time to come over and work on the lawn. When we were out of town at the end of summer, friends came over and did some yardwork.
If you could coordinate childcare, lunch with mom would be great. In terms of inviting them over for dinner, it might be a personal thing, but I liked when people brought pizza here, because otherwise I had to drive everyone home and then do the whole bedtime thing with them wound up. For some reason, being at our house doesn't wind them up as much.
Yes, please let her know you are there for her no matter what. A good friend put it this way, "I am so sorry. I have never been where you are, and I don't know what you are feeling. I want you to know I am here for you no matter what; I will hear whatever you want to say; I will do whatever you need me to do." It never is painful for me to talk about my husband. Sometimes I wonder if it bothers others, but if it does that's tough. He was part of my life for half of my life if I don't talk about him, what do I talk about?
I agree action is more helpful than words unless they want to talk then just talk to them as a friend. (You won't say the stupid things that Lorna warned against.) You don't need to have answers; you don't have answers... no one does. Hugs are great. I wasn't a hugger before, but that physical touch means a lot to me now. Hugs say what words can't.
I totally agree with Lorna "anything is better than the death of a family member appearing to be ignored because someone doesn't know what to say or do, so they choose to say and do nothing." If you don't say anything, the other person is left wondering if you know.
"Also, don't underestimate the value of pampering each child individually in some way." One of our ministers has made a point of taking my oldest out for pampering a few times, and she loves it. Excpet of the three-year-old, she probably has had the "easiest" time adjusting. I wonder if this little extra attention helped.
"If the person said, "Call me if you need anything," they didn't have the initiative to follow up. Each family said that the people who were the most help were the ones who were close enough to know what was needed and simply just stepped in and did it." Exactly. Or called to say, "I'm doing so and so today, can I bring your kids or can I get you anything while I am there."
I agree with the laundry as I look behind me at the undone laundry. Housecleaning would also be helpful. When my husband was in the hospital, a number of good friends came over and completely cleaned the house. Since my husband never really came home, his stuff remains where they put it till this day.
Yes, a man to do the fun man stuff is great. There are a couple of men at church that tickle and tease my youngest DD. They also "rough house" -- as much as you can -- with my sons. I didn't realize how much my sons missed that until we were at a party, and they had such a good time wrestling with the dads in the "bouncy house."
Two good friends and their families came for dinner once a week for the first month. It allowed us to use up the food in the fridge. Plus, my friends would clean out and organize the fridge, which was beyond me at the point. "Basically our pastor got up and said that as a church we are commanded to provide for the orphans and widows, and we would. Please just remember a year from no she will still need help getting kids to activities, she will still need someone to cry with and between now and then she needs good financial counsel. (a professional in our church gifted his services to my friend and helped her get everything figured out.)" There is no way that anyone can do it all for a family with five kids. I've tried.
Even if we never went anywhere or did anything, there is always stuff that happens she will need or want help with. My DH was super handy, so I never learned any home maintenance. I really appreciate some friends that come over and take care of some home repairs. We also have had plumbing and sewage problems that I was clueless on what to do after I turned off the water to the house. Could you put together a list of dads that would be willing to help out with repairs or knowledge and what their "expertise" was. As I sit in a house with 1/2 the light bulbs, I totally agree with TK about even the simpliest repairs being too much to think about sometimes.
Even if your friend doesn't return a phone call, just hearing a friendly voice on the answering machine saying I'm thinking about you does raise your spirits. If you could orchestrate this with your group, so she gets a call every few weeks for the next year (or more) it would mean a lot. I promise.
Thanks for wanting to be a friend. Please don't think I mean for you to do all of this, it would be a great group project.
*LC
P.S. I know I typed this somewhere, but now I can't find it. When a spouse dies, there is a lot of "stuff" that has to be done such as going to court, etc, so you could put togehter a list of moms that would be willing to come over to be with her kids. Speaking of legal stuff, if there is an attorney that would be willing to donate his/her time that would be great since money is an issue. She might be able to do the stuff on her own depending on complicated the estate is, such as did he have a will.