I don't think I can do a "lego room" because there are two sets of legos to be kept separate. One is the lego creations that my two youngest kids made together. We have a whole bunch of Harry Potter legos, and a whole city they designed themselves which they call "London". They have been at my FIL's, because we moved them with us, and when we've been there since my son's death, my youngest plays with them a fair amount. He doesn't take them apart, but he rearranges the figures, or drives the Knight bus around, etc . . . I think it's been an important part of how he processes all this. At the same time, while he wants to play with them, he is also very uncomfortable with the idea of other kids touching them. When he heard that we were playing musical houses, and his cousins were going to Grandpa's, one of his first questions was whether they'd play with the legos. Maybe one day that will change and he'll want to do something else with them, but right now, I think they need to be accessible to him, but also in a space we can sort of walk away from. Right now they're in the middle of the common space of the house, where one would expect to walk, so clearly before we move in, they need to go somewhere else. And then we have a ton of other legos. Star wars legos, and super hero legos, and lego robots, that get played with normally and taken apart and rebuilt etc . . . . My guess is that those legos will return to and stay in the playroom where they were before we moved. But I don't think it's reasonable to expect that the two sets of legos will be in the same space, and that visiting kids will keep straight which legos they are allowed to touch, so I think having them in different rooms makes sense.

I think anything we do is going to be painful, and I fully expect that everyone's feelings will change. But I also don't think having a glaring empty space in the center of the house is going to work. Like how it is now, with part of the living room having pictures and furniture, and part empty with just an empty dresser, pretty much screams that something is missing. Plus when we were at my FIL (we're staying with my SIL for a little while) my youngest has clearly wanted to play with the legos, so getting them out of the boxes seems like a priority. Sorry, I'm not really arguing or disagreeing. Just thinking out loud.

I think the problem is that there has to be a decision, because of the move. Even if we decide to leave the room bare, and put his stuff in boxes, that's still a decision. Does that make sense? I think if his room was still set up as his room, we'd just leave it that way, and deal with it much later, but it's just got one dresser and is otherwise empty.

I think I'd go and see what he's like in person. It seems like he thinks you might be worried you'll turn him down, and he's nervous so he's trying to protect himself by telling you the downsides of the position. He could be an a-hole, or he could be a nice guy with not fantastic business skills. I think that in person will tell you more.

We are moving back to the house we own this weekend, and I'd like to figure out what to do with the space that used to be my middle son's bedroom. The room is basically 1/3 of the living room, that we closed off with a pair of barn style doors. I think we're going to put all the legos that my two youngest kids built together in there, so that my youngest can have access and play with them when he wants, but also can close them off if other kids are in the house (post-covid), so there's not temptation for them to take them apart. Other than that I'm not sure. I know that many people leave a child or other loved one's room as is, but right now, all his things are at my FIL's house where we were staying when he died. I want his things to come home with us, but of course that means I need to put them somewhere. Anyway, I'd love thoughts on what to do and what other people have done.

Yet

Oven mitts?

Thanks everyone, To extend the plate juggling analogy a little more, I think my problem (or one of my many problems) is that I feel like on January 4th, I need to be prepared to add a few flaming torches and a blindfold into my routine. I anticipate that my transition back to work is going to be really hard on the kids and on me. So, while I think the idea of adding one plate at a time makes sense in theory, I also think that we'll need to add a little faster than I otherwise would, because come January I don't anticipate that we'll be able to add anything else. Today both kids did math, although DS13 probably did about 10 minutes total, they attended online Tae Kwon Do class, and I read a chapter to them at lunch. We'll probably hold there for a few days, and then we're moving next weekend, so that will probably be the new thing.

Yep. It's one thing we actually own. We did a few weeks of it in early September, so it's not brand new.

I think we will need to do the experiments on the weekend.

Thanks, it's super helpful to see it written out from someone else who is balancing work and homeschool.

Right, now I'm thinking that DS13 will do some science (Oak Meadow Physical Science 8 ) and history (US History Detective) mostly independently, but with a few things that we'll do together like the experiments from Oak Meadow, or a historical fiction read aloud. Those pieces will probably be the only assigned things DS10 will do. Academically, I'm less worried about my youngest. 5th grade seems lower stakes, and he was ahead before this started, so I figure he'll catch up. He's also seems to have an intense need to keep busy right now, so he's doing all the things, including things like cooking and legos that are probably developing his skills naturally. I figure since we did so much writing last year, if we keep up the math, and he reads every day, that will be enough. I'm also keeping him in online Spanish with his cousin, because he likes it and it's a good way for them to connect.

I just wanted to check in, and let you know i'm still praying and thinking of you.

I haven’t really done any homeschooling, but if it goes like everything else, we will need to pace it slow, and leave time for a kid to reset or go off on a tangent or whatever. I don’t picture 45 minutes of math being 45 minutes of math, but if we’re going to get 15 minutes of math then I probably need to write 45 minutes on the schedule.

Realistically, I am not going to make it through an 8 hour school day and then teach my kids at 8 p.m.. And my kids need other kinds of attention.

I have to assume that losing a sibling you love and watching your parents fall apart completely is a more likely cause of grief than low D. Especially for a fair skinned kid who plays outside a lot. But he is also on antidepressants for anxiety. In school person is not an option here, we are moving back to our own house next week, but my guess is the kids will travel back and forth daily. We are about 1/2 a mile apart so moving doesn’t change the school district. We will add things gradually, but I need a picture of what we’re building towards. Also me restarting work complicates things.

He’s not the only one struggling. I am a mess. My husband is such a mess right now you will note I didn’t even put him on the schedule. My younger one is bouncing off the walls and just expressing his grief in a different way. I am a public school teacher. I have zero control over my schedule. I need to be at my desk camera on at 7:45 and I think they are going to need some time to check in with me and connect before the day starts. So we will cram as much exercise as we can into the day and hope that leads to sleep. So far that has been working OK as a strategy. Please don’t quote.

OK, so I made an attempt at a schedule. It both seems like way too little, and really overwhelming, when compared with what we're managing to do now. For example, my older kid is falling asleep after lunch everyday right now. Grief is exhausting him. My thought is that we'd aim to be done with homeschool by 1:00, when I have about a 10 minute break from work, and they can ride their bikes to their grandparents, where there's more outdoor space to play, and they can get some attention. Their cousins might be there, it's not really clear what that plan is. Then at around 5:00 when I get off work they can come home and we can have some family time. This would be with these curriculum DS10: Beast Academy, Reading of his choice, Lego Robotics, Homeschool Spanish Academy, join his brother for US Historical Fiction Read alouds, and the experiments from Physical Science. (We did Treasured Conversations this summer, because I knew we'd need to get ahead, so we'll count that as writing/language arts for theyear) DS13 Math Mammoth, US History Detective, Oak Meadow Physical Science, Some Historical Fiction Read Alouds, with the plan to do Oak Meadow English 8 this coming summer.

I think the challenge is twofold. One is that we planned on private for high school. I have no idea if that's still the plan. I don't know if in person school will be safe, or if he'll be ready for 9th grade. We aren't anywhere close to being in a position to make those kinds of decisions. But if we want to keep that door open, applications are due mid December, which means I need to be able to report some kind of plan for 8th grade. So, whether or not we implement the plan right now, we at least need to make it. DS10 will either go to public or back to the private he attended before, so that's a lot easier. The other is my return to work. If I'm going to have any chance of teaching them a routine, it's going to have to happen before then. And my experience with these two is that routine is going to be key to their mental health during what is certainly going to be a very hard transition.

Thanks. We are trying.

This is all great. I guess what I want to know is the nitty gritty. Like what rooms are your kids in? Do they all do the same subject at the same time, or do they choose the order they work through things? If you say they work 3 hours, do they work for 3 hours straight, or work for an hour and then go ride their bike for a while, and then work some more and stop for a snack? My guess is that we'll need really high structure, and low volume.

I don't think videos are going to work for us. For one thing, we've spent the past year doing science, social studies, and literature mostly through read aloud, without written output, because we did those things. I don't regret that choice, but I do think that between now and the first day of 9th grade, he needs to get back in the habit of reading and writing a little in the content areas. Or September is going to be really overwhelming. I've toyed with the idea of calling this a "gap year" and having him repeat 8th grade next year, but I'm not ready to make that decision. He is also struggling with attention to things that he used to love, like video games, sports or music. He wasn't a history fan before this, so I think it's unlikely that he'd pay enough attention to get anything whatsoever out of a history video. If I was watching it with him and talking, maybe, but I'm going to be back at work soon, and I think I'm going to need to protect my limited outside of work hours to focus on meeting their social emotional needs. The History Detective is looking like the best option. It may not be perfect, but it seems like it might be good enough. Please don't quote this.

I need to get a homeschool routine reestablished. I think a routine will do my kids some good, and my 8th grader has missed a huge amount of school, so I need to get him ready for high school. The routines we planned before my middle son's death never really got off the ground, and wouldn't make sense now anyway, since they incorporated so many things like cousins, and scheduling around medical procedures, and my husband's participation, that won't factor in now. So, we need to build something from scratch. I'd love to hear from other people for what their routines are like with this age. I'll have a 5th grader and an 8th grade. Both pretty typical kids, but both not functioning close to normal due to grief. I'll be working 40 - 60 hours a week, from home, about 6 hours a day that's scheduled and the rest on my own timeframe, so ideas from parents who are juggling other responsibilities would be great. But really, more than ideas for what our schedule could look like, I'd like to hear what works for other people.

Good MRI's are a wonderful thing. I hope that when the inflammation goes down and they can see it looks even better. Still praying for you all.

I don't think he's got the attention span for that right now. He's really struggling. I think that if there's a chance that we're going to get through this, a workbook format is probably most likely to be successful.