ikuradesuka Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 So, I keep starting to type something like this up, but then change my mind. I was just reading the end of year brag thread, though, and someone mentioned the op used to really want a mentor, and how far her child has come since then. It gave me courage to reach out. I could really use some help. I have several children, but I'm mostly concerned about dd1 for now. She just turned 10, and I feel like I've really messed up with her. We've just been on our own totally for so long that we just sort of gave up. What's exciting about learning when no one cares and you have no where to use it? You can't even talk about it for fear of "bragging". It makes me sad that she has been "hiding" to avoid upsetting people. I so wish she had never realized it. I feel like if I had been a better advocate for her, and more inspiring, she could be doing so much more. I don't want her to be "doing more" because I view it as some sort of challenge, but because it makes HER so happy. I feel like I'm holding her back. I'm open to anything and everything... Thank you... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennW in SoCal Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I'm sure others will have some ideas and encouragement for you. I just wanted to start by reassuring you it is highly unlikely you have "messed up" with your 10yo. Things may not feel right, but it isn't a permanent state of affairs. Perhaps over the summer you two can come up with a plan that will once again make her happily challenged. Does your dd have a particular passion? Or is she an all around accelerated kid? Do you get the sense that she is keenly aware of not having any peers to relate to? The tween and middle school years are a nightmare in general, and it can be difficult to sort out what is "normal" tween awkwardness and what is extra hard due to giftedness or asynchronous development. Loving patience is often your only recourse -- patience with your growing tween and with yourself when you are convinced you have ruined them for life. The thing that helped both of my boys through this stage were friendships with kind and openhearted adults. My oldest started volunteering at church and found some mentors who were thrilled to have him working with them. They patiently taught him and encouraged him. My youngest started playing D&D with a couple of parents -- I met the mom on this forum, actually -- and their adult friends. The parents had little kids, but were happy to have a gangly 13yo play with them once a week. Later on he did an internship with an engineering friend who works at home. It wasn't daily contact with these adults, rather a chance once a week to be social without dealing with the tween scene, and it was a life saver. Finding those opportunities took a little creativity and more than a little luck, but it came naturally as we got to know those adults who did what my kids were interested in. None of what I just wrote may be helpful in your situation, but I wanted to get the conversation started for you. If there are any particulars you want to share, it might inspire others to offer other ideas. And, welcome! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 What is her interest area? Maybe some of us would know of resources that could help. I have the same problem last year with DS10. Could not find tutors we could afford in the areas he is interested in. Found a homeschool science and math class which was a good fit for DS9 but the math tutor can't match DS10's needs. The science tutor was a closer match but still not there. We applied for DYS with the hope that we might be able to get some help as DS10 is frustrated that no one can discuss with him or explain to him. My DS9 has interests which are a mixed bag. Some of his interest like bird watching, star gazing are easy to get help from park rangers while my hubby and me can help with robotics and electronics. There are some interest like marine life and penguins that would require him to be older but he has enough on his plate to keep him happy. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathnerd Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I am not sure if you are looking for a homeschool mentor for yourself or if you are looking for a mentor in an academic subject for your daughter. What you have described is a very common trait of gifted kids - the "blending in" to fit in with her peers. Some things that might help are: finding a peer group of gifted kids (enrolling in gifted friendly activities like math club, chess club etc helps), finding her a mentor in her strong areas or a coach/tutor with expertise in the subjects, online gifted classes where she can meet peers through the class discussions etc. Please also look up the Davidson Young Scholars program (DYS). They can help to form the connections with mentors for your daughter. What is her area of interest? There are a lot of experts on this forum who have helped me out a lot when I had similar questions. So, you are in the right place :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 We've faced this in two ways: The first is to create activities that attract kids who are at least partial peers for DD. Starting interest-based groups. Especially ones which have a common goal, like a test or academic competition at the end. It's taken several years, but it's built up to the point that DD has a small group of kids she's at least somewhat comfortable being herself with. Taking GT classes online has helped, too. And so has DYS-there's only one other DS in our area who is close to DD's age, but it's been an amazing friendship for both kids to have a true peer who "gets" them. Having those social outlets has helped DD be more "herself". She still has things like cheer team where she blends in-but she's much happier when she has people with whom she can let it hang out. And so am I-because usually people with whom DD shares interests and gets along well are the parents who are able to understand the difficulties of raising a quirky kid. The second is to find peers and mentors in DD's interest area-which is herpetology/field biology. We've handled that by making as many connections as possible with local colleges and universities, hobbyist groups, professional groups, and so on. It's taken time-a lot of people don't take a kid seriously (a LOT of kids like snakes-relatively few are able to handle professional conferences and be interested in reading and discussing the research in the field). It's a situation where finding one person opens doors to others. With the grad students and the people in the herpetological society and the herp education/advocacy group, she's able to be herself at a different level than with kids, and gets a lot of support and opportunities. And I get a lot of support as to how to mentor and guide her, too. In both cases, there's been a lot of serendipity and just plain luck in finding people and making connections. But it has made a world of difference in her life. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ikuradesuka Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 I'm sorry I've not been able to reply until now. I wound up taking an unexpected road trip, and just now have internet. I was able to read your replies from my phone, however, and I've been thinking them over. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer me! As soon as I have a little more time, I'll reply in depth. Thank you, again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ikuradesuka Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 How have you managed your younger children spending so much social time with the older kids? Interest led groups sound like so much fun! How did you go about finding kids to participate? What specific topics have been most successful? Is it worth having her tested? For her age, what would the best method be? What GT online classes would you recommend? Where is a good source to find an online tutor for foreign languages? Or, for anything? Is there some place where I could find lists for goals or sequential curriculum in less traditional subjects? Thanks again! Edited because as I reread today, I was uncomfortable with so much about dd being online. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Athena's Academy and Online G3 are a good place to start and see if anything looks good. Really. I've been more impressed by AAA and G3 than by the more expensive, test scores required classes. On the social stuff with older kids, it usually doesn't work. Not social classes, not academic classes. High school age kids don't want to socialize with a 10 yr old, and see a 10 yr old as a threat or as a little sister-not a peer. In many respects, it seems like the wider the age gap, the easier it is-DD is accepted and gets along better with college students than with high school students, with grad students over undergrad students, and often she is the one at the departmental party happily chatting with the 80 yr old professor emeritus, both greatly enjoying each other's company. Most of her text messages and other people on her Twitter feed are grad students and professors. She's still "the little kid" but she's "the little kid" who they want to share their cool finding or that neat journal article with, and who can laugh with them over the absurdity of how a given animal is portrayed in a movie (we will be seeing Jurassic World mostly so DD can laugh about it with her palenotologist friends). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ikuradesuka Posted June 13, 2015 Author Share Posted June 13, 2015 Thank you! I'm off to check out those online sources! And, I totally see what you mean about high schoolers. As I thought about it, I realized the only thing they have in common is that they are in the same class. The high schoolers are there because they have to be, so that eliminates the spark. The other methods of finding people/mentors ensure common ground and common goals. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woodland Mist Academy Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 We have been thrilled with CTY Spanish. DD had around 5 hours of online Spanish a week through CTY. Sometimes she was the only one to attend extra sessions, so it was like a private lesson. Other times there were one or two other students. I think in the regular weekly classes there were 5 students in her class. The teacher was a gem. High School can be a tough time. Many of dd's high school friends are stressed with college apps looming and getting ready to make their move into the world by themselves. I think that may play at least a small part in older mentors being more open and having more time. Different time of life, different perspective. I think personalities play a signicant role as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woodland Mist Academy Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 Another thought.... Is it really reasonable to expect 10 year-old children and 16,17, or 18 year-old teen/near adults to spend lots of time socializing together? It's one thing to be working on a research project or attending and discussing talks. But frequent straight out socializing? I think it's good for teens to have time to discuss the areas of their lives that probably aren't appropriate for 10-year-old ears. Socializing time is often short in the teen years. I can see them sometimes wanting to make the most of the time they have. Just a different perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 On topics, start with what your child likes, and goes from there. Latin was a bust (People wanted a for-credit class, not a NJCL type club), but mythology, math, and things related to animals and conservation have consistently attracted a group of smart, quirky kids. We'vd also moved from me coordinating the groups to them being child-led. We started holding these groups when DD was 7, and have gone from there. I will say one difference I see with DD with these groups vs when she's with her one DYS friend is that with the kids in the interest groups, DD usually ends up as the ringleader, and the other kids don't seem to realize that she's directing them. With her DYS friend, there's more give and take. even though they're usually not doing "gifted" stuff, the dynamic is different. She's challenged with this friend in a way she's not with most kids her age. It's also a different dynamic than she has with her adult friends. That dynamic is why DD is doing her first GT summer program this summer-I hope that she'll get a lot out of being with other kids who are able to challenge her. Academic challenge is easy to find. Social challenge and that true give and take is much harder. I think the major reason I married my husband is that we have that click where we challenge each other and match each other. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woodland Mist Academy Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 So, I keep starting to type something like this up, but then change my mind. I was just reading the end of year brag thread, though, and someone mentioned the op used to really want a mentor, and how far her child has come since then. It gave me courage to reach out. I could really use some help. I have several children, but I'm mostly concerned about dd1 for now. She just turned 10, and I feel like I've really messed up with her. We've just been on our own totally for so long that we just sort of gave up. What's exciting about learning when no one cares and you have no where to use it? You can't even talk about it for fear of "bragging". It makes me sad that she has been "hiding" to avoid upsetting people. I so wish she had never realized it. Hmm....I think there are several ways of thinking about the bolded. It certainly is life enriching, encouraging, and reassuring to have others to share in the excitement of learning new things. To have people to light a path and dare that it be traveled... Likewise there is value in learning to interact and be real with people who are on other paths. They, too, have their stories and their lessons. In my mind, there is great benefit in your daughter learning this. I'm not sure I understand the wish that she never realize it. Please understand, I'm not saying looking for a mentor and peers is unnecessary. We moved to do precisely that. Just noting that in the meantime, while you are looking, there are lessons and life skills to be learned in the situation you are in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ikuradesuka Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 Thank you for all the thoughts and suggestions. I've been mulling them over and looking into various options, and feeling much better overall. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ikuradesuka Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 Hmm....I think there are several ways of thinking about the bolded. It certainly is life enriching, encouraging, and reassuring to have others to share in the excitement of learning new things. To have people to light a path and dare that it be traveled... Likewise there is value in learning to interact and be real with people who are on other paths. They, too, have their stories and their lessons. In my mind, there is great benefit in your daughter learning this. I'm not sure I understand the wish that she never realize it. Please understand, I'm not saying looking for a mentor and peers is unnecessary. We moved to do precisely that. Just noting that in the meantime, while you are looking, there are lessons and life skills to be learned in the situation you are in. I've been thinking about this, and I would like to hear more. To clarify, I wasn't meaning that dd should be able to walk around saying, "Guess what? I taught myself four songs on the piano today!" Or, "I finished sixth grade math!" That's just bragging and...awkward. The struggles she has been having are more along the lines of talking with people (even adults!) and she makes an educated reference, and the looks and comments begin. I have tried talking a lot about what other people's strengths are, things dd has in common with them or can learn from them. I also prep things that are more neutral and don't lend themselves to too much self-expression (like crafts). So, with a little more of our background out there, could you elaborate, please? :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woodland Mist Academy Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I've been thinking about this, and I would like to hear more. To clarify, I wasn't meaning that dd should be able to walk around saying, "Guess what? I taught myself four songs on the piano today!" Or, "I finished sixth grade math!" That's just bragging and...awkward. The struggles she has been having are more along the lines of talking with people (even adults!) and she makes an educated reference, and the looks and comments begin. Maybe she is trying to explain something and she says, "Sort of like when queen so and so did x." It is hard for her to figure out what is "common knowledge" and what isn't, and she's paid dearly for it. She was playing with another child one day, and got everyone spun up to be kings and queens from different countries in the first century, wrote historically accurate letters in character, and etc. That got awkward pretty fast because the other child didn't know any of these people. So, dd figured out that she's more well read than she thought, and even when she is just playing, it's best to name people after Disney movies, and keep your sociology experiments in your head. She was 8. I have tried talking a lot about what other people's strengths are, things dd has in common with them or can learn from them. I also prep things that are more neutral and don't lend themselves to too much self-expression (like crafts). So, with a little more of our background out there, could you elaborate, please? :) I presumed you meant the latter (references) and not the former (grade levels, etc.) :) None of the following may pertain to your situation at all, but I'll give you an idea of what I meant. A few years ago, we were in a similar place to where you are right now, dealing with people not understanding references, etc. For many reasons we eventually we decided to move, which I realize is not always an option or even a good idea. I'm just mentioning that to give context. Overall, the move improved the situation dramatically - life changing would not be an overstatement. Mentors, peers, opportunities.... On the other hand, some of the original issues remain. Being with peers doesn't always mean references will be understood. There is so much to know. People have different interests and pastimes. For history references, finding people who enjoy history would be the way to go. (Finding people with similar interests has been mentioned by many up thread, but it's worth repeating that having similar IQs doesn't always mean a connection and understanding will be automatic.) Another thought...Some of the most intriguing people I know aren't only brimming with knowledge and expertise, but they also possess the ability to relate that information to other people in a manner that allows everyone to feel at ease and respected. What does that have to do with an ten-year-old? It depends on the ten-year-old. For some it may be learning how to best deal with bullying that may ensue in some situations, for others it may mean learning to be comfortable being one's self and not hiding, for yet others it may mean learning to go beyond those issues into learning how to do what I mentioned above: passing on the knowledge to others in a way that enriches everyone involved. These mentors we all long for and adore were ten-year-olds once... I think sometimes it's easy to think that if we just find the right group, we will be understood and can relax. (I mean that as a generality, it may not apply to you.) For us that group is much smaller than we had hoped, and in most group settings there is still work to be done and lessons to be learned. As I said previously, none of this may pertain to your situation at all. I don't have an easy answer or a step-by-step solution. In many ways, we're still in the thick of it. With that said, I understand your frustration; I remember those days well. They were not easy. I hope you are able to find other children or adults with whom your daughter feels at ease and can more openly be herself. In the meantime, I wish you all the best navigating the waters and absorbing whatever lessons float by. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woodland Mist Academy Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Please do keep us posted! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ikuradesuka Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 Thank you so much for your reply! I've been mulling it over, and actually read most of it to dd today. We were able to discuss a lot of things in depth, and I think they were very helpful. It was good to be able to point out that our best supporters (who, unfortunately, live far away) have actually been a family whose children all struggle. Why? Because they understand that ALL children and people should be loved and respected and supported, regardless of their abilities, and that abilities come in many forms. Dd has been on the short end of that around here for a long time, but we've also been talking about how we have to make the environment be what we wish it to be. "The change we wish to see...", if you will. Anyway, dd and I hashed it all out for a few hours (yikes!) today, and I just wanted to say, "Thank you," for the nudge. :) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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