musicmommy Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Hi, I don't post often here, but I know that you all are fountains of information. We're kind of at a loss with our 9 year old son and just not quite sure what to do. (and even if his behavior is normal) He's always been great...a kid we could easily trust and we still do. He's also a very black and white kind of kid. There's no middle ground, no gray in his world. Here are some incidents from the last week. I know they might seem silly or minor, but it's been building up. *I asked him to pick out what type of spaghetti sauce he wanted for dinner. It took him 10 minutes to choose, meanwhile, we were all getting frustrated. He seems to always have to calculate what is the correct choice, even if there isn't one. *He had his first baseball game this past week. His first time up at bat, he got a double and eventually made the first run for his time. He was so excited and his team cheered and gave him huge, but after the game, when we told him he had a great hit, he focused on missing a grounder or had some excuse for why it wasn't great. *Yesterday, we were with my family for Easter. All week long he had been talking about how he couldn't wait to see my brother and do an Easter egg hunt that my brother set up. We get there and it's time for the hunt and he just walked around and then started telling my other boys where they could find the eggs. Then when my brother asked him if he wanted to play Wii, he just sat there mopey and said no. (It was a long day for us yesterday as dh and I spent most of our time trying to work through and understand our boy) These kinds of things are happening regularly. When we ask him why he does this, his only response is "I don't know," which makes my dh so frustrated. He's also made comments to the effect that his reactions are ruining his life. It broke my heart when he said that one. I could really use some ideas, words of encouragement, anything. Dh and I are feeling like we've really failed him. We want to help him and are just not sure what to do. Just so you know, we are a non-spanking, Christian family. Not sure, but for some that might influence advice. Thanks for reading...and any help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MBM Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 It sounds to me like he might have perfectionist tendencies and is a little pessimistic. A book that can help with pessimism is The Optimistic Child by Martin Seligman. It can help you to see in what ways your son is pessimistic and then how to discuss his explanatory style (the thoughts he has of himself) so that he can develop a healthier outlook. The book has helped me deal with my son. Good luck. It's not easy when our kids appear to be hurting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendi Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 The first thing that comes to mind is, you might want to get the book "What to Do When You Grumble Too Much"; it talks about negativity and being more flexible, looking for the positives, etc. He does sound perfectionist, inflexible, and pessimistic. (Like my son! But my son is learning and working on these areas.) Taking so long to make a decision reminds me of me: does he have any other signs of anxiety or OCD? I have OCD, and I've noticed I often take a long time to make a decision; it seems like I'm worried that I won't make the PERFECT, CORRECT choice. HTH, Wendi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
musicmommy Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 It really is nice to know that I'm not alone in this. Thanks for the encouragement and ideas. I'm going to check and see if my library carries those books. If not...Amazon, here I come. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 It might also be he's introverted and that he (also your DH and yourself) might need help understanding introversion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
musicmommy Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 Joanne, I was hoping you would respond to this. I'm not sure if he is introverted though. Can you help me understand it? I am a performer by nature and love the spotlight. I'm fine with him not wanting that if he doesn't. We've always given the boys choices when it comes to sports. He loves to play baseball, but maybe just doesn't want the attention from it? We truly don't push him into these activities. My middle one opted out of baseball this year which was fine for us. What would be the indicators that he is just introverted and that maybe we're making a bigger deal than it is? He really seems like an unhappy child right now and it's breaking our hearts because he is an amazing guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth in OH Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 What would be the indicators that he is just introverted and that maybe we're making a bigger deal than it is? Not Joanne, but introversion was my first thought, too. Introverts' brains are actually hardwired differently than extroverts. Certain neurological pathways are longer than in extroverts, so processing can seem slower. Introverts often like to "sleep on a decision" so that their subconscious brains can work on the decision. One major hallmark of introverts is that interaction with other people drains their energy, rather than recharging them (as is the case with extroverts). Introverts tend to pace themselves in interactions with others. Also, introverts often do not like to have attention directed their way. The book, The Introvert Advantage, by Marti Olsen Laney, is an excellent book for understanding introverts. It is also excellent for an introverted teen to read--lots of affirmation for his inborn temperament, and lots of suggestions for how to survive in an extroverted world. Here's the link: http://www.amazon.com/Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert-World/dp/0761123695/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1239680639&sr=1-1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElizabethB Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 He's old enough to take the MBTI, here's a link, it'll tell you his full personality, including introversion: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm And here's a bit about MBTI and learning and how to read and learn more about the MBTI. http://www.thephonicspage.org/Other/personalitytypea.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
musicmommy Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 Thank you so much for those links. I've never gone through it and it was helpful for myself. I think I'll work through it with him in a little bit also. I think this is going to turn out to be a good thing for us all in the long run. The issues being raised right now are certainly getting us to understand each other a bit better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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