My son has stymied me with his comma abuse.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Anybody care to read today's short Plutarch narration? I am sure there are too many commas in this thing but ds disagrees with my editing. Which commas would you omit?

 

The beginning of Rome could not have been foreseen that day. A herdsman had been bidden to go and drown the two boys, Romulus, and his brother Remus, for they stood in the way of a usurper taking the crown of their village. The herdsman, though, looking at them as he bent down to put them in the river, could not bring himself to actually do it. Instead he left the basket below the tideline and hurried off.

 

Sure enough, soon the tide came in, and when it receded it took the boys. They floated down the Tiber until they came to a wolf's den. There the tide washed the basket up on the shore. The wolf, seeing them lying there and crying, took them in to her own cubs. They grew up with the wolf cubs, being fed on the mother's milk until they were too old, then they were fed by a woodpecker. One day, the very same herdsman who had left them by the water came down with his herds. Seeing them playing in the forest, he rejoiced, and knew that it was the selfsame pair of boys that he had left to drown. He took them back to his wife, and they raised them as their own.

Edited to add: I don't know why this didn't occur to me until now. I am going to ask him to look in our grammar resource books and write the page # stating the rule for each comma. He'll have to prove that each usage is correct or he can cheerfully revise the paper.

Edited April 7, 2009 by Dulcimeramy
never mind, I fixed his wagon

[sleepy]

 

The beginning of Rome could not have been foreseen that day. A herdsman had been bidden to go and drown the two boys, Romulus, and his brother Remus, for they stood in the way of a usurper taking the crown of their village. The herdsman, though, looking at them as he bent down to put them in the river, could not bring himself to actually do it. Instead he left the basket below the tideline and hurried off.

 

Sure enough, soon the tide came in, and when it receded it took the boys. They floated down the Tiber until they came to a wolf's den. There the tide washed the basket up on the shore. The wolf, seeing them lying there and crying, took them in to her own cubs. They grew up with the wolf cubs, being fed on the mother's milk until they were too old, then they were fed by a woodpecker. One day, the very same herdsman who had left them by the water came down with his herds. Seeing them playing in the forest, he rejoiced, and knew that it was the selfsame pair of boys that he had left to drown. He took them back to his wife, and they raised them as their own.

 

I would omit the commas marked in red.

Edited April 7, 2009 by sleepy

[Tree House Academy]

Where he has the commas is not so much the issue for me...it is how many times he takes the "aside" and validates his point with said aside. I think many of the sentences with comma abuse could be re-written with less disclaimer and no comma.

[SherryTX]

Where he has the commas is not so much the issue for me...it is how many times he takes the "aside" and validates his point with said aside. I think many of the sentences with comma abuse could be re-written with less disclaimer and no comma.

 

I agree. I have to admit that I also have a habit of doing this, and abusing the commas like they are going out of style.

 

Other than that - I thought his narration was quite good. =)

[abreakfromlife]

 

Where he has the commas is not so much the issue for me...it is how many times he takes the "aside" and validates his point with said aside. I think many of the sentences with comma abuse could be re-written with less disclaimer and no comma.

That's the same thing I was thinking.

[StaceyinLA]

>>I would omit the commas marked in red. <<

 

I don't think you could omit the one after "enough" without changing the sentence structure. "Sure enough soon the tide came in" would not be clear. You could always just eliminate soon though.

 

And I think he is using the last one you marked before the and because you generally use them before "and." In that sentence you could omit the one after the word forest.

 

I think most of his usage was correct, but agree that he could have done some rewording to eliminate the need for so many commas.

[Nestof3]

The beginning of Rome could not have been foreseen that day. A herdsman had been bidden to go and drown the two boys, Romulus, and his brother Remus, for they stood in the way of a usurper taking the crown of their village. The herdsman, though, looking at them as he bent down to put them in the river, could not bring himself to actually do it. Instead, (introductory word) he left the basket below the tideline and hurried off.

 

Sure enough, soon the tide came in, and when it receded, (introductory phrase) it took the boys. They floated down the Tiber until they came to a wolf's den. There the tide washed the basket up on the shore. The wolf, seeing them lying there and crying, took them in to her own cubs. They grew up with the wolf cubs, being fed on the mother's milk until they were too old, then they were fed by a woodpecker. One day, the very same herdsman who had left them by the water came down with his herds. Seeing them playing in the forest, he rejoiced, (comma splice) and knew that it was the same pair of boys that he had left to drown. He took them back to his wife, and they raised them as their own.

 

 

Isn't it "had been bid?" (I would say commanded.)

 

I would say: "drown the two brothers, Romulus and Remus." It's more concise.

 

Get rid of "Sure enough."

 

I think: remove the ones in red; add the ones in green.

 

Take out "then they were" and replace it with "and then"

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Thank you all so much! I read him some of these replies. He decided to omit some commas, but he agreed that he could just revise some sentences for clarity. Thank you for the Homeschool Mama backup. Every now and then ds gets too big for his britches and is sure he knows more than I do. He just gave me his updated version:

The beginning of Rome could not have been foreseen that day. A herdsman had been bidden to go and drown the two boys, Romulus and his brother Remus, for they stood in the way of a usurper seeking to take over their village. The herdsman looked at the children as he bent down to put them in the river, and he could not bring himself to actually drown them. Instead, he left the basket below the tide line and hurried off.

 

Soon the tide came in. When it receded it took the boys. They floated down the Tiber until they came near a wolf's den. There the tide washed the basket up on the shore. The wolf, seeing them lying there and crying, took them in to her own cubs. They grew up with the wolf cubs, being fed on the wolf mother's milk until they were too big. Then they were fed by a woodpecker.

 

One day the very same herdsman who had left them by the water came near with his herd. Seeing Romulus and Remus playing in the forest he rejoiced, knowing it was the selfsame pair that he had left to drown. He took them home to his wife, and they raised the boys as their own.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Isn't it "had been bid?" (I would say commanded.)

 

I would say: "drown the two brothers, Romulus and Remus." It's more concise.

 

Get rid of "Sure enough."

 

I think: remove the ones in red; add the ones in green.

 

Take out "then they were" and replace it with "and then"

 

I missed that. I'm not sure. I agree with "commanded" (when in doubt, change the wording LOL). He could have also said, "the King bade him..."

 

I agree about "drown the two brothers, R and R"

 

Thanks for this input!

[gardening momma]

They grew up with the wolf cubs, being fed on the mother's milk until they were too old, then they were fed by a woodpecker.

It all looks good to me, except this sentence. It looks like a run on that can be corrected by making it a compound sentence... "They grew up with the wolf cubs, being fed on the mother's milk until they were too old, and then they were fed by a woodpecker."

 

Edit: Nevermind. Finished reading the thread, and what you all said sounds better.

Edited April 7, 2009 by gardening momma