Feeling guilty-is it me? And what do we do?

[happyWImom]

Okay, here's something I didn't realize because I'm "in it", but, I think maybe I am constantly "on" my dc-am I the only one??? What I mean is, we hser's are with our dc all of the time, so we see & hear most of what they do and how they act, right? So, when do you ignore and when do you let it go?

 

If my dc are bickering in another room while playing, I don't intervene, obviously, I let them work it out. But, if they are right in front of me, in school, and saying taunting and unkind things to the other one, I say something. Well, they are obviously getting on each others nerves, and dd is 7 going on 13, so she's moody all of the time, and is getting the brunt of it from me. So, I'm sitting here tonight, stewing in the guilt as I think back about the day. But-what to do? It's a tough thing. I try and drill into them about being kind, loving, etc... And if they were in ps, I wouldn't see/hear everything and be able to jump on it. Also, they wouldn't be together like they are now, so they wouldn't be at each other. Sigh. I guess I feel like I'm making my dd despise herself or something. She's one that takes everything to heart, and she will say something that's mean, but then will realize and feel like she's a horrible person and not let it go. Sometimes I think in trying to make her see her behavior isn't acceptable, I'm contributing to it.

 

Okay, I'll stop now, I just keep feeling worse. Maybe I need therapy or something. Am I the only one that feels like a terrible mother and a basketcase? Maybe I am.:001_huh:

[joannqn]

We are pretty much on our kids as well. I don't see it as a bad thing because it directly contributes to their being well-behaved and enables to us to take them anywhere. They know that they get to do things because we can trust them to behave.

 

My son has a tendency to take things hard and think and say bad things about himself. We counter it with a lot of reassurance that he's not a bad person, that he's good a lot of things, that he's almost always kind and generous and helpful, etc.

[Lovedtodeath]

Get off your butt parenting

[Danestress]

 

If my dc are bickering in another room while playing, I don't intervene, obviously, I let them work it out. But, if they are right in front of me, in school, and saying taunting and unkind things to the other one, I say something.

 

I don't think it's obvious at all. If I hear kids in another room taunting and being unkind, I usually say something. My kids are agreeable and easy and I don't feel like I am "on" them all the time. They make me laugh and they entertain me, and at 11, they are just very positive and bright. But I don't let people be mean in my house. I just feel like everyone who lives here deserves to *know* he or she will be treated with respect here. They do bicker, but they aren't allowed to be taunting and ugly.

[Peela]

I think you are finding your own balance by noticing the way you deal with things sometimes makes it worse.Its just a part of parenting to self examine. I agree that I don't think it is healthy to be on your kids all day. It can develop into a pattern- not just for you, but in the kids. I think the general tone and mood of the days in general IS important, and I don't want my kids looking back on our school days and remembering mum nagging, mum getting angry, mum always "on" the kids about everything. I want them to look back with fondness on a generally happy time- and of course discipline will be a tool needed to manifest that generally happy mood.

However, if you are always "on" the kids it could be that

a) Its simply a season for everyone to get used to each other, to establish some ground rules, get used to being with each other all day, and it will naturally settle down after a while

b) the disciplinary tactics you use are not effective

c) you have gotten into a pattern of seeing all the negatives of your kids, reacting to the small stuff, and not stepping back enough to put out enough positive energy- to see their beauty and find the good things they are doing. In other words, losing perspective.

 

I have definitely been through stages where it seems like I nag my kids all day. I just know i dont want to live like that for long, so I try and look more deeply than reacting to the surface (usually I talk to my husband about it and he tells me I need to be stricter. And actually, it usually works). Do they need more breaks to run around? Do they need a better breakfast, a protein snack, water?

I dont find moralising helps, actually. Kids dont respond well to generalisation about being good that just make them feel guilty for being themselves.

My kids are now teens, and they still do bicker and play rough with each other in front of me, in the schoolroom. I allow some of it, because I feel it is a natural part of letting off steam during the school day. If it goes too far, I will of course say something- but I think there is a place for allowing some silly play during school time as long as there is that sense of "enough" after a few moments. If they get mean with each other...well, after years of that at times, I jsut try to listen to both sides and see if the apparent "victim" was in fact baiting the apparent "aggressor". It's rarely just one. Sometimes its just a sign that they need some positive attention.

I do think kids learn more by watching us, how we live, that by what comes out of our mouth.

[Aubrey]

I don't think it's obvious at all. If I hear kids in another room taunting and being unkind, I usually say something. My kids are agreeable and easy and I don't feel like I am "on" them all the time. They make me laugh and they entertain me, and at 11, they are just very positive and bright. But I don't let people be mean in my house. I just feel like everyone who lives here deserves to *know* he or she will be treated with respect here. They do bicker, but they aren't allowed to be taunting and ugly.

:iagree: BUT

 

 

I feel like a terrible mother for other reasons.

 

I was sitting in the dark in bed one night as dh was falling asleep, telling him which of the dc I was worried about & why, & all of a sudden, I said, "I'm always worried about one of them, aren't I?"

 

You could hear his smile as he patted me, rolled over, & went to sleep. LOL

 

So...if there's something you need to fix, I understand. Tonight I put mine to bed feeling like a failure. I started to post about it, but I decided some of the stuff on my list was really too awful to make public. But it felt better to write it out, so I sent a long email to dh. He'll never read it--he never checks his email. But after sending it, I got up & started fixing what I could fix & praying about what I couldn't.

 

Otoh, if there's not something you need to fix, I think it's mother-nature (as opposed to human-nature, you know) to worry about our kids. In that case, give your dd a big hug & tell her all the things you love about her. You'll both feel better.