Am I unrealistic/unreasonable/out of my mothering mind?

[msjones]

I have a daughter who is 14. It is just this year that she has started to take responsibility for doing her chores without me reminding and threatening and imposing consequences. I tried every strategy in the book to help/make her remember to do her chores in a timely manner. I honestly don't think that anything I did made a difference. I think she just reached an age where she was mature enough to do it independently. We have had terrible chore wars in our home, and with my younger kids I am resigned to the fact that I will simply have to direct them. It's a lot easier (if more boring) to direct them each and every time, every day, than it is to spend my life in a tizzy about it (I am not being snarky to you ... I seriously spent way too much of my life in a tizzy about my oldest's chores and I have learned from that).

 

My younger two are very close in age, and I frequently refer to them as "the puppies." I feel like any time I turn my back on them, they are on the floor, rolling around like puppies. Even with direction and supervision, if they are in the same room trying to do a chore, their puppy natures get in the way. The kids are sent to separate rooms of the house to complete their chores. It's the only way they can get done without puppy issues.

 

Good luck. I know this is horribly frustrating.

 

Tara

 

Tara,

I appreciate your words -- especially since one of my personal goals as a mom/teacher is to eliminate "tizzies." I have come far in the tizzy department, but this is one of the remaining aggravations that can set me off into raising my voice in sarcasm. (yuck...)

 

I know that I am being 'sharpened' in this situation, too. And, some days, I don't like that any more than my boys like picking up their clothes. ;)

[Laurie4b]

Ok, just honestly , when I read your posts, I hear a lot of " But I don't want to!" So I think that's the first issue to deal with. Parenting is work and it's not always fun work. A lot of it is repetitious. Set the example of how you approach work by your own attitude toward the work of parenting. If it takes supervision, it takes supervision.

 

Secondly, back it up until they are successful. How many things can they do in a sequence without being reminded? You could even make this a game.

 

Focus more on what they are doing right than on the fact that you are reminding them--in fact, try expressing appreciation for what they've already done instead of the "reminder." "Ds it is so encouraging to me to see the xyz done. I feel like we're all pulling together and the chores will be done soon."

 

You might also consider that they need some heavy work . This was what was accomplished by "farm chores." It calms & organizes the neurological system. Wrestling actually gives them that proprioceptive input that heavy farm chores would do.

[Peela]

If I had to get up to that list, I wouldn't want to get up in the morning!

My 13 and 14yo kids do some morning chores, but even they need reminding (and nagging!). Dh has been trying to get dd to take responsibility for doing the pool each day- checking the pump is working, chlorinating, and topping with water if necessary- and its taken months for her to "own" the job.

 

I think what you want is to form some habits, and you don't need to call them "chores". Teach them to get dressed in the mornings- it's not a chore, it's just what you do! And you don't start your schoolwork till you are dressed, bed made and kitchen tidy. By setting a routine- no matter how much you have to help to establish the routine- you are taking it out of the realm of "work" and "chores" and simply creating a daily rhythm and routine.

The only thing on that list that I would call a "chore"- well, maybe the dishes, but if each person puts their own dishes in the dishwasher it's not really a chore, it's a habit- is the "extra" thing on your list.

 

I dont think theres anything wrong with chores for that age, but i would eliminate most of those things as chores, and just expect them and help them form the habits. Keep actual chores to a minimum.

[Reya]

My 6-y-o would require reminders every day--ESPECIALLY int he mornings--but no supervision.

[Marylou]

I have a list on the wall for "morning", "afternoon" and "evening" routines. I have it laminated with a dry erase marker close by so they can mark when they complete each task. I don't have to keep asking whether they've done "X"; I just look at the list. One of the tasks on their afternoon routine is, "ask Mama how I can help around the house". When they ask I may have one girl set the table. Maybe I'll have her sister take out the vegetables scraps, etc. Many times when they ask I tell them it would be a big help to go play quietly in their room and let me work on supper by myself. (After schooling all day, I enjoy alone time in the kitchen). Other times we cook together.

 

I agree that being part of the family means each member has certain jobs to do, period. That's what we do here. However, I have implemented a system recently that has helped a lot with my sanity. This is not a system for chores or tasks on the routine lists. I was so tired of tripping over left out (insert toy, clothing, shoe, library book here)!

 

My girls are 8 yo. They like to have money to buy toys for themselves or gifts for others. At their age they only place they can get any money is from me or dh. I started giving them a roll of nickels on Fridays. They love this. They put them in a cup with their initials on it. (At this point the nickels still belong to me!) During the week if I trip over a left out toy, or if there are clothes on the ground I take a nickel out of the offender's cup. It's amazing how much better they are remembering to pick up after themselves! When the next Friday rolls around, they transfer the nickels out of the cups and into their piggy banks. Then I give them another roll ($2) to put in the cup, and we start the new week.

 

[because we are all tempted to steal, I told them if they are ever caught taking nickels from sister's cup, they will have to fork over all their nickels for the week (in addition to receiving a spanking--which is free of charge!)].

 

This is what is working for us at this age.