Why do some kids get picked on relentlessly?

[Perry]

I wish I knew how to help my son. He's always had trouble making friends, and has had a problem with bullies since kindergarten. We took him out of ps last year in large part because of bullying and social problems. He gets picked on in just about every group situation- camp, sports, school - so clearly there is something about him that makes him an attractive bully target. His verbal skills are somewhat below average, so he has some trouble expressing himself and gets very frustrated at times. He's also a little immature for his age.

 

Any ideas about how to help him? Have you had any success with working with a professional?

 

TIA.

[Aggie]

:grouphug:

 

What situations is he in that he's getting picked on? I would probably not let him be alone.... find some reason to hang around. Bullies aren't so tough when there's an adult around sometimes. But some may say that will raise a wimpy kid. I don't know, though. Being picked on constantly can't be good, either.

 

I would also work with him on different social situations. "DS, if ______ happens, this is what you say/do. Let's practice." Get his siblings to help with this, too.

 

Maybe someone has a good book about this.

[PiCO]

Someone posted a great link here a while ago, about this very topic. It was about how "anti-bully" programs don't work, and how to make your kid a less attractive target. It had to do with the victim's behavior. Anyone remember?

 

I will search later when I have time.

[Perry]

That's what we've been doing, when possible, and it's been working well. Tonight, the problem was during hockey practice, so obviously I couldn't do much. The coach intervened when the kid punched my son in the head, but that was after about 45 minutes of taunting. This was not regular hockey roughhousing, it was a completely unprovoked punch while they were in a line doing drills. The kid had also stolen his stick and played keep away with it, tried to trip him numerous times, and tried to get others to gang up on him. Hockey is very physical, but this boy was just being mean spirited.

[Aggie]

Well, that just makes me mad. I can't tolerate brats like that.

 

There was one ill-mannered, unparented kid in gymnastics once. The coaches would not say anything to him ever. His mis-behavior was a danger to all the dc in the class. So once, when the coaches were busy and that brat was mis-behaving, I marched all the way across the gym, got him by himself in a corner and, while smiling, let him have it. He knew, in no uncertain terms, that his days were numbered if he EVER hurt my child by his foolishness. All the parents saw was my smiling face. :001_smile: From then on, though, the coaches were more pro-active towards the brat. I never had to re-direct his attention again.:)

 

 

I hope Pico or someone finds that link for you. That may be more helpful than skating across the hockey rink.

[Perry]

Thanks. Was it this one? My library has it so I'll pick it up tomorrow.

[PiCO]

That does look like a good book, but I am thinking of a link.

 

The website is about getting the victim to stop acting like a victim, so the bully moves on to someone else. I think it was around the same time as that thread, though.

[klmama]

Here's a book that might help him change his own behaviors that may be inadvertently encouraging the bullying and help him learn how to make friends. The link is for Amazon, but your library may have it.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Unwritten-Rules-Friendship-Strategies-Friends/dp/0316917303/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233805679&sr=8-1

[HSDCY]

You know, your son and mine will get along just fine:001_smile:

 

Ds also has been a target all his life and that's part of the reason we hs him too.

Today at a homeschool swimming class, he was bitten by a 6-year-old girl who is a head shorter than him! I was really mad when I found out because the swim instructor didn't tell me and ds didn't tell me until I mentioned to ds about that girl rubbing his head again during lessons. He then said, "Oh, and she pulled on my goggles and bit me too until the teacher stopped her." When I asked him how he handled it, he said, "She cornered me and I didn't know what to do." Sigh......

 

After thinking the whole situation over, I realized that because ds did not stop her when she first played with his hair many lessons ago, he actually "invited" her to do more. I am in no way saying she has the right to treat ds that way, but I think the victims need to stand up for themselves the first time. On the other hand, I have been teaching ds about this issue and I have yet to see any effect. I don't know, and I can't offer any advice, just lots of sympathy from a mom who is suffering the same thing.

[Starr]

It's very difficult. I've had to move around some of my dc's activities and I did corner one friend at a slumber party and told him to leave my ds alone before he seriously hurt him. It worked for a while. My ds likes to be silly and isn't the biggest kid in the crowd and is untrained (no martial arts). Fortunately he now doesn't seem to care what team he is on or how tough the other boys try to be so he isn't picked on so much. I agree with not leaving kids alone very much. Share your progress. It will be an encouragement to others.