Do your teens have resentment...

[Gayle39]

toward you? I have homeschooled my son for the past 7 years because he had some reading difficulties when he was very young. We quickly got past that and continued homeschooling (by his choice). This child is one that has to be constantly pushed when it comes to academics. He's just not all that interested; it's not due to any disability. I even gave him the choice to be put in a private school when he entered high school. He said no, that he liked homeschooling and enjoyed the co-ops we had been involved in. Today, he said some very harsh things to me. He said that he couldn't separate mom and teacher and that all I thought about was academics. Well, considering his education is on my shoulders and he can be quite lazy, I have to constantly stay after him about his studies. I feel like I have devoted my all to this child, trying to give him a heads up and an opportunity. I never forced homeschooling on him and he still says he doesn't want to go to school, but he seems so resentful toward me. Sometimes, I wonder if this was the right choice? Should I have just let him fail and struggle through the school he was in? Should I not care if he is educated or not? Have any of you gone through this? This really came "out of the blue" today. I don't know what this stems from. I am very depressed and saddened. I needs words of encouragement and prayer. Thanks.

[MBH]

Gayle,

 

I will definately pray for you and your ds. Teens go through a lot of changes in their bodies. Their brains begin to develop and become adult-like. Tomorrow or next week you might find him saying something totally opposite of what he said today. He may not even remember speaking to you so harshly as he did today.

 

His attitude could be due to hormonal changes. Never-the-less none of the above is good enough excuse (not that there is ever any thing such as a good excuse) to show disrespect towards you.

 

I would take a day off to give both of you rest from academics and just sit down and talk and pray. It will do both of you a lot of good. There are times when I have reminded my children the sacrifices I have made to homeschool them.

 

Remember, never give up. You know how important education is to his future. He is not thinking of his future right now, but when he matures, he will thank you for all that you have sacrificed, and how you poured yourself out for him. That day will come. Be encouraged.

[Ellie]

My older dd, who is now 33yo, says she wishes I had allowed her to stay in school when she tried it for 6th grade (I took her out after 6 weeks). But even knowing that she feels this way now, if I could do it over, I'd still keep her home. She has made choices in her life that I don't believe she would have made had she been in school. I'm hoping that someday she'll have that epiphany and thank me for hsing, lol.

[dawn of ns]

Why not sit down with him and talk about it? Ask him for some suggestion on how to deal with the whole thing. I do that with my kids who are younger and it can lead to some really good ideas and changes.

[Catherine]

situation-my oldest is why I am homeschooling, though I know his younger brothers have benefitted too. He chose this, after returning to ninth grade. He has more than once really pushed me about why I won't "just let him fail" in his words. How can I even answer a question like that?

 

I will be thinking of you and your son in the days to come. I just don't have any answers but I want to give you a bit of encouragement by way of a story: when my ds returned to school last year, it was to a magnet school with competitive admissions. He was rejected from it at the beginning of middle school, which was one factor that started this journey. He had never liked school and by fifth grade was already planning to drop out at 16!! When he returned, he sailed through-he was well prepared, organized (and believe me, that is something with this child) and thrived, academically and socially. So I already have that source of validation that what we are doing works.

 

I will also say that several times recently when I have gently come back to him about a thoughtless or hurtful remark, he doesn't even remember it. It's that teen brain damage IMO. It really hurts, but like you we basically have a strong relationship. In the long run, that matters most. Try to talk to your son, and be honest about your feelings. Hugs to both of you.

[Christine]

Have any of you gone through this?

 

Well, I'm encouraged that he said something to you.

 

I'm in a very similar boat. Took DS1 (now 16) out of school due to the school situation (we had moved and at his new school he was "regressing"). Put him back in school when we moved again (took him out because of the 4 hours of homework he was getting nightly -- in 4th grade). We moved again (note: military below), and he was given the option and he chose to hs. Moved again to an area (now) where the school are notoriously cruddy. We found one charter school that was actually highly recommended, and he was given the option to go there. It required testing, which he excelled in, and he did a shadow day.

 

Then, he chose to stay home.

 

And now. . .well, and now you have described my son exceedingly well. Except you left out the bit about how he "hides" in his room for long periods of time, doesn't want to associate with the family, grumbles and is, in generally, a massive sour-puss.

 

I am very depressed and saddened.

 

This would be me as well. . .though, I suspect it also applies to my child. . .and I don't have a clue what to do about it. He refuses to talk about it. Counseling was mentioned, and he nixed that one beyond shadow of a doubt.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Believe me when I tell you I feel your pain, and that you are not alone.

 

Someone told me that *this* "was boys". Lordy, I hope not! I have 3 more behind. (I thought that a "mean comment" too, btw; not "encouraging" or "you aren't to be blamed" kind of deal like it was probably intended.)

[Nan in Mass]

I think all teenagers sometimes feel the burden of parental expectations to be overwhelming and wish they were orphans and could do what they want. He may have been just extra tired or getting sick or something. Or this may have been something building that he finally took the opportunity to tell you about. I wouldn't link it too much to homeschooling. My oldest went to public school and still had a huge amount of resentment at times about our high expectations. Now that he is older and finds it easier to live up to them, he appreciates those expectations (mostly). The youngest one is homeschooling and I'm beginning to hear the same sort of complaints from him, but because of his older brother, I know that it isn't really a homeschooling issue. I remember that burden from my own teen years, too.

 

It is hard, as both teacher and parent, not to constantly push academics and turn every occasion into a learning opportunity. It is hard to watch your children not taking full advantage of their time. I think all of us with less academic-minded children struggle with this. I have to remind myself constantly of how little energy I had as a teenager. I only seemed to be able to tap into my energy supply if I was in a panic, or if I was really, really interested, and even then, it didn't last long. My intentions were good, and my ideas, but I didn't have the energy to carry them out. I was fairly good at not doing things (resisting temptation), but bad at making myself do something. I remember feeling grateful to my parents for leaving me alone as much as they did, and I know I'm not doing as good a job with my children. This is one of the reasons that I stick with the idea of "doing school" and "not doing school". We have school hours, and during those hours we "do school". Since not all of college prep level high school work will fit into those hours, and some subjects (math and languages) have to be hit twice a day to stick, they have "homework". Any time we're not "doing school", I try to do no more than a normal parental amount of have-you-done-your-homework-ing. This scheme breaks down somewhat when my middle son is finishing up the school year to go off on a trip or when he was applying to college, since he has to work all the time then, but the rest of the time, it works fairly well. I try to make a distinction between trips and school field trips, too, and before a school field trip, I make big announcements about how this is school and they have to learn. The rest of the time, I may occasionally point out an interesting sign or something I have noticed, but I try not to. I have found that if I don't make this school/not school distinction very clearly to myself, I spend all my time expecting my children to be learning and working, and feeling miffed with them if they aren't. I think only grownups have the energy and self-discipline to fully take advantage of homeschooling and self-education. Grownups and the self-driven academic-minded sort of teenagers. Mine are self-driven about lots of things, many of them even very educational, but not text-book educational.

 

Hugs and more hugs. The growing up process is very painful, for both the parent and the child.

 

-Nan

[Amy in CO]

Wow Nan, that was amazing advice. We are right at the beginning of this age. My dd had a brief time back when she was about 9 and we had moved, and there were just alot of changes in her life, that she resented school. And now it is starting again as the hormones are kicking in. Some days, she loves school and works hard to finish, other days she cries the whole day it seems. Since she is my oldest, I do tend to push her more.

[Mandy in TN]

I think all teenagers sometimes feel the burden of parental expectations to be overwhelming and wish they were orphans and could do what they want. He may have been just extra tired or getting sick or something. Or this may have been something building that he finally took the opportunity to tell you about. I wouldn't link it too much to homeschooling. My oldest went to public school and still had a huge amount of resentment at times about our high expectations. Now that he is older and finds it easier to live up to them, he appreciates those expectations (mostly). The youngest one is homeschooling and I'm beginning to hear the same sort of complaints from him, but because of his older brother, I know that it isn't really a homeschooling issue. I remember that burden from my own teen years, too.

:iagree: This isn't a homeschool issue this is a teen issue. Never again in your life will you be so acutely aware of what is going on in your life (normal everyday living) and have so little control over it. In many ways teens are adults and yet they must live by their parents' rules in their parents' home. Soon, they will have the opportunity to have their own home and their own rules. It is frustratingly close, so close they can almost touch it. This can make the smallest guidelines seems like a heavy burden. It is easy for the child to lash out at a parent at this time. Understand that this is as much about the situation, a situation that will soon be over, as it is about the actually complaint.

 

Mandy

[elegantlion]

He said that he couldn't separate mom and teacher and that all I thought about was academics.

 

I don't have any advice except to say I see a tad of myself in that comment. My ds is only 11 and I only have one, so I feel a burden to "get it right". However I started to notice earlier this year that I was trying to make everything about school. :glare: I needed (still working on) taking off the teacher hat and simply having fun with ds. Playing like we used to, shooting hoops without worrying if it counts as PE.

 

I'm having such a blast teaching him and learning the 2nd time around that I sometimes forget I just need to be Mom.

 

So I don't think you are alone, but thanks for posting to remind me to work on balance.

[Gayle39]

to all of you for your responses. Today was a totally different day. My son was loving and gave me lots of hugs today. Wow, what a difference a day makes. He was just not his usual self yesterday and his remarks did hurt. He is my oldest so all of this teen stuff is new to me. I can remember myself being that way too, so it is unstandable and certainly forgivable. I appreciate all of your prayers and encouragement. It made me feel so much better, more than you know. I will try to do more activities as "mom" and definitely set aside (as hard as it will be) academics and just have fun. Again, thanks to all of you.

[Jenny in Florida]

I think all teenagers sometimes feel the burden of parental expectations to be overwhelming and wish they were orphans and could do what they want. He may have been just extra tired or getting sick or something. Or this may have been something building that he finally took the opportunity to tell you about. I wouldn't link it too much to homeschooling. My oldest went to public school and still had a huge amount of resentment at times about our high expectations.

 

Or, you could be me, whose parents insisted she stay in public school as a sort of political statement and who rebelled and STILL carries resentment about their low expectations for me.

 

So, I'm not sure parents can win in the short term.

 

With my own kids, we decided early on that we would probably only regret knowing we didn't do something we thought would have been best for our children. As long as we consciously make the choices we honestly believe are best, we're willing to take the flack for being wrong now and then.

 

For what it's worth, now that my own daughter is in college, she has much, much more appreciation for homeschooling and for us as parents. She tells me frequently that she is very, very grateful we "saved her" from public school and already recognizes the sincere hard work we put into parenting.

 

So, if it were me, I think I would sit down with the teen an explain as clearly as I could why we as parents chose to homeschool and currently choose to continue. I always tell my kids that they don't have to agree with our decisions, but I do want them to understand--and insist that they respect--them.

 

Hang in there. It'll probably get better.

[Nan in Mass]

I try to make more of our encounters good than bad. That means that for every bad one, I try to make sure we have three good or normal ones. So, after a scene like you had the other day, I would be sure to point out the cardinal at the bird feeder, or ask what he wanted to drink for supper, or tell him I liked the shirt he picked out, or show him a joke I knew he would appreciate, or something, however small, that wouldn't be upsetting. (I make sure they are real things, not fake things, though. I look for something that I really need to know or that I really am excited about or that I really think is funny or I really like. Teens are just annoyed by fakeness, even well-meant fakeness.) That meant that both of us could sum up our relationship as good over all. It made a huge difference getting us through the times when the bad encounters came thick and fast, and means that now, looking back with the oldest, we both feel that we did ok. I will be forever grateful to my children cooperating with and often even initiating these trivial encounters.

-Nan

[Moni]

I try to make more of our encounters good than bad. That means that for every bad one, I try to make sure we have three good or normal ones. So, after a scene like you had the other day, I would be sure to point out the cardinal at the bird feeder, or ask what he wanted to drink for supper, or tell him I liked the shirt he picked out, or show him a joke I knew he would appreciate, or something, however small, that wouldn't be upsetting.

 

This I just see as a parenting issue, not really relating to homeschooling.

 

 

 

It is hard to watch your children not taking full advantage of their time

 

Just because a student isn't doing academics or applying them doesn't mean they are not "taking full advantage" of their time.

 

 

 

It is hard, as both teacher and parent, not to constantly push academics and turn every occasion into a learning opportunity.

 

Oh, I hope this isn't widely the case. :confused:

Do so many of us really not bear in mind that the academics are "just school" ? ?

It's not the whole of life, of parenting, of relating.

[Nan in Mass]

That's great!

[laughing lioness]

Gayle,

I'm so gald to hear that your day is going better;)- I'm always jumping in late these days but just got new cheaters so I can actually read longer posts with understanding :lol:. I just wanted to validate and say that I truly believe most kids have resentment. I think it's pretty normal. They want to differentiate (family therapy term) and create their own life. Which is what they should do. My oldest had a rough high school career -long story I've posted about before- most not of her making. She wasn't "bad" or "rebellious" per se, just despondant and not very motivated. She is gifted but just seemed to me to be "putting in time" in so many ways. What really changed things for her was a couple of out of country trips. She discovered a passion for other people groups, her love of history had hands on application and her giftedness for communication and language were evident as she picked up languages others struggled with. As a result she learned 3 languages and has continued to travel extensively (she generates the income for it). I do believe that when we get to the teenage years our roles change from being disciplinarian/discipler to mentor. We guide, sort and listen more than direct and tell. I am constantly on the look-out for experiences and opporunitites that will stretch and inspire and ignite passion in my kids (and others when I can get ahold of them:001_smile:). This fall I took a van full out door to door campainging a couple of times. I doubt many of them will end up being politicians but you should have seen how their confidence GREW as they knocked on doors, answered questions, responded politely to rude response.

I also found Rose (Dragons in the Flower Bed) to have an interesting perspective. She said (I hope i am not mis-quoting her!) that her dad unschooled her and every situation became educational. She homeschools her own kids classically because she doesn't want them to experience the pressure that she had. What a perspective, eh?

All the best as you love and raise your kiddos!

[Nan in Mass]

He chose not to unschool because it seemed like a huge task, taking on his own education, and he wanted help with it. I can see where Dragons is coming from.

-Nan