Need some advice

[Gamom3]

I mentioned my niece(almost 16) a few weeks ago and how she was acting out..possible sex, smoking pot and skipping school?

well she has been with my MIL for 2 wks and has been staying with us w/MIL for a few days.

I have been talking with her and she has been telling me a little bit(really a lot but not telling the truth half the time) and about her mom(SIL).

 

SIL has a history of not being a good mom(she signed over her oldest son--now 9 to us for 6 months and niece to my other SIL for over a year), but she has been trying over the years to be a better mom. She still has issues with raising her kids...she put them around bad people(she is picking up MIL and niece today and going to a friends house that smokes pot and will be leaving niece to watch all 5 of the kids{including friends kids})

 

Well here is where I need advice..dh and I were talking last night about her staying with us to help her...she is a grade behind..possibly 2 because she is failing this year.

I told dh that I worry about our 2 youngest(soon to be 11 and 13) and what she tells them and what she will possibly do.

Right now they are having a good time together, but that will change after a while and then they will act like siblings...I also worry about my dd.. she is very, very sensitive and she comes to tell me things that niece says to her..nothing bad, I have told her to ignore her.

 

So is it possible to help this child who will be 16 the end of Jan?

Is it ok to expose her to our 2 dc?

Niece is a social bug...we are not ones that do a lot. We are still looking for a church...which I plan on working more harder at.

She is definitely going to go through withdraws from how her life was and she is going to show out with me eventually..like all kids do.

 

I have thought about telling SIL to leave her here for the rest of the week..some what like a trial period and stop back by to pick her up on her way home...this will give dh and I more time to discuss things.

 

Thoughts, advice, suggestions?????

[Danestress]

if your niece chose to stop skipping school, acting out, taking drugs etc, and became very kind, respectful, and helpful with your sister, would that radically change her circumstances and the problems she is having in your sister's home?

 

Because if she's not choosing to start acting that way in your sister's house, I see no reason to think she will behave that way in your house, and if she's not going to behave that way in your house, I see no reason to allow her to live with you.

 

She's sixteen. All of her behaviors are choices. If changing her behavior in her mother's house would turn the situation around, I would suggest she do that. She may be having a lot of conflict with your sister, but she has a choice whether she wants that conflict to end or continue. It's possible for her to be the one to take those first steps, even though that's a lot to expect from a teen, and surely it's your sister who SHOULD take the steps to improve their relationship.

 

 

I know it sounds selfish. I personally wouldn't want to take this on with impressionable younger kids in the house unless the niece were an absolute angel and the sister dangerous.

[imeverywoman]

if your niece chose to stop skipping school, acting out, taking drugs etc, and became very kind, respectful, and helpful with your sister, would that radically change her circumstances and the problems she is having in your sister's home?

 

Because if she's not choosing to start acting that way in your sister's house, I see no reason to think she will behave that way in your house, and if she's not going to behave that way in your house, I see no reason to allow her to live with you.

 

She's sixteen. All of her behaviors are choices. If changing her behavior in her mother's house would turn the situation around, I would suggest she do that. She may be having a lot of conflict with your sister, but she has a choice whether she wants that conflict to end or continue. It's possible for her to be the one to take those first steps, even though that's a lot to expect from a teen, and surely it's your sister who SHOULD take the steps to improve their relationship.

 

 

I know it sounds selfish. I personally wouldn't want to take this on with impressionable younger kids in the house unless the niece were an absolute angel and the sister dangerous.

 

 

:iagree: You've worked hard with your little ones and to allow a negative influence in the home may very well disrupt the apple cart, so to speak. What a difficult situation. Prayers for you....:grouphug:

[sunshine]

What a hard thing. You want to help them, you have the ability but then you have your children. No, I would not. and I am one that just sent a child home that I had to finish his high school because Mom checked out. But he is starting college in a week!! Yay!!

but.. even with the stern ground rules and his complying, by the time he left my son, who he was great friends with, couldn' t wait for him to leave, and still has not contacted him, my middle daughter told me he always said mean things when I wasn't listening or my son wasn't around, not bad just mean like "you better not touch my camera" in a hateful tone. and they were so glad to see him go.

I am going through the same urges to take in another child I am helping finish high school, he leaves for Seminary in Romania in March and I want to take him out of his destructive home life so much but all my kids said "NO" we don't want anyone else. And my kids all like this boy. but they learned with the other one that living with someone is different than helping someone.

 

My neice was raised by a flake and my crackhead brother who died 2 years ago yesterday, never was around. She was homeless by age 15, she is 19 now and wanted to come live with me at age 16. I had to say no. It was so hard because I wanted this child when she was born but could not talk the mother into giving her to me to raise. But I had a 14 yr old and two little ones to think of.

 

I really think that something should be done with your SIL. If she is taking her kids to a house where people smoke pot, that is endangerment. She is not making good choices for her children. Especially her young ones. You have to talk to your brother and if he is the same way then you may have to make a decision that will protect your neices and nephews. I feel like we have an obligation to step in when a child cannot help themself. If everyone did then we would see drug use go down and all the other behaviors. You have to protect those children and sometimes that means reporting them to your local child protective agency.

 

You are in a hard position, and I will pray for you.

[Gamom3]

She has done somethings...I don't know how much is true.

I was not an angel at 16, but I was not bad.

 

I talked with her and she wants to change, she does want to be something.

She wants to be a fashion designer and own her own hair salon.

She told me that she wants to be good and stop hanging around the wrong crowd..how true this is I don't know.

 

I was telling her mom that they are welcome to come here and talk..so we can referee--so to speak.

 

Her mom curses at her and screams...tells her she will never amount to anything.

I told her she needs to get that under control.

She wants a relationship with her dd, but I don't know how hard she is going to try or my niece.

 

She has been exposed to the horrible things and that is what makes me worry.

I spoke with dd this morning and asked her how she would feel about dn to stay the rest of the week..she said yes, she needs help.

 

So she is going to stay the rest of the week...so we can at least keep her from where her mom is going this week.

 

FWIW...dn does not act like a normal 16yr old...she acts more like a 12yr old.

 

It is so hard to say no you are not going to stay, I remember how it was with nephew..he was 4 at the time. It was very, very stressful for me and children..nephew has ADD and ADHD(think thats right).

 

Dh says we should help her if we can as much as we can..but I really want to think this over before making a decision.

Dh says she will have to sign her over to us and she will NOT get her back once she does...this means SIL will have to pay child support(State rule).

Neice's dad does not want her, but she does not realize this or does, but doesn't want to face the true.

Edited December 31, 2008 by Gamom3

[Chris in VA]

I have learned thru therapy and experience that substance abusers that start young like your niece generally stunt their emotional growth--so it's no wonder she's acting like a 12 yo. I've also learned that it is rare for a child who is using to report accurately the amount/frequency of her use. For example, at my son's eval 3 years ago, the therapist said he takes what the kid says is the frequency and triples it to come up with a pretty accurate assessment.

 

It sounds like they all need counseling. If you are willing to get your niece assessed, participate in family counseling with your niece, take her to AA or NA (depending) several times a week, and see that you provide the structure needed, then it could work to have her live with you. But I wouldn't. It is too much for the other kids. Trust me. Everyone wants to help. That's a very good thing. But you are not a residential treatment center, and unless you want to run your house like one, I would not bring her in. You are already excusing her behavior-"She is no angel, but who is at 16?" That's a red flag, right there.

 

Don't mean to be harsh, I'm just trying to warn you and keep you realistic.

[Journey]

Wow, there have been some harsh responses to this thread. I guess I'm different than you guys. If I had the chance, I would give this CHILD a second chance. She's only 16 years old. Yes, she's making some wrong choices but has she ever had a good influence in her life? It doesn't soudn like it. How do you expect her to be any different when all she's known is a lousy mother and lousy childhood. I'm surprised she's not doing more "bad" things. Some of you make is sound like she's some kind of murderer or something. Gamom3, if you can give her a second chance, you need to try. If it doesn't work out, you can send her back to her mother. You won't know unless you try. This poor thing could blossom with your family. As long as she knows that she's valued and cared for, you might be very surprised at how she would turn around. Don't throw her to the curb. SHe doesn't want to be bad, she just doesn't know anything different. She's probably just trying to survive and fit in in this ugly world. I wouldn't ever, ever, ever want to be 16 again, especially with the world the way it is. Give her a chance to become somebody. Her mother isnt' capable of helping her right now for whatever reason. Don't let your neice be another statistic.

[Lovedtodeath]

So is it possible to help this child who will be 16 the end of Jan?

Is it ok to expose her to our 2 dc?

Niece is a social bug...we are not ones that do a lot. We are still looking for a church...which I plan on working more harder at.

She is definitely going to go through withdraws from how her life was and she is going to show out with me eventually..like all kids do.

 

I have thought about telling SIL to leave her here for the rest of the week..some what like a trial period and stop back by to pick her up on her way home...this will give dh and I more time to discuss things.

 

Thoughts, advice, suggestions?????

 

We took my niece in over the summer. It went very well for the first 2-3 weeks and then got worse and worse. We got her a job, let her use our vehicle, took her to religious meetings and studied the Bible with her. Like I said... her attitude got worse and worse. It affected our whole family negatively, especially our 6 yr old DD who started acting like a teenager. We are getting back to normal now, and when she left it was an immediate relief.

[Zelda]

Based on anecdotal information from my own life I would not do this because of your younger children. If it were just you and your dh I would encourage you to go ahead and give it a try. You can try to help in other ways. :grouphug: