How independent are your college kids?

[SanDiegoMom]

I have seen a large range and my own kids are a mixed bag.  One of my kids' friends is extremely over-protected, not allowed to do much of anything, even though she is 18. Crazy.  (ie not allowed to go in a paddle boat on a completely still artificial lake, not allowed to stay out in the evening).  Another was still being tracked by life 360 so could not go out to get boba with his friends (Jehovah's Witness family)

Another got himself to and from college orientation by bus with no help from his parent, and attended a four day conference on his own in SF.  Big range! 

One of my 18-year olds' makes appointments occasionally for herself, can at the very least go grocery shopping, etc.  The other one is more helpless in some areas but is super high achieving academically and is further ahead in making friends (which has been a struggle for both). 

Neither of my 18 yo's is financially independent, but I was provided for throughout college and we are able to do so as well.   We have tuition waivers and Veteran's benefits as well, so it is no hardship for us. 

I allowed my oldest to try to be more independent (finding own apartment as a junior, being in charge of her medical health) and it was a disaster, but she also is very adhd and that was just being diagnosed at the time.  We are still helping out a little while she's in law school at age 24, but she's in charge of all her stuff by now. 

[Alice]

My oldest is almost 21 and is pretty independent, both by personality and in reality. We pay directly to the school as it is through a 529 plan. He has had summer jobs and a job at school last year (currently studying abroad so can't work) and pays for pretty much everything else, although we have helped him with some things from time to time. He makes pretty much all his decisions on  his own but we often talk about them. He doesn't really ask for advice, it's more that we'll ask questions and also send him things we think are helpful and then he does what he wants with them. Like he's looking for an internship for next summer and I forwarded him a link of a list of CS internships I saw on this board. Medical stuff he probably does less on his own than he should, but it's more because it's been still really convenient to use my practice (we see kids up to 23). I told him he could switch or I could do things like just ask my partner to send in his asthma medicine when he needs it. He chose to stay at my practice. I think all my kids are spoiled in that regard, honestly. I'm still figuring out how to relate to him when he's home on breaks. He does what he wants to an extent but we also tried to instill a general "it's nice to let us know where you are". Just out of common courtesy, I do the same thing in general. We have a family calendar in the kitchen and write everyone's stuff on it, including his in the summer. In a similar vein, I'm not asking for permission to go to book club but I put it on the calendar so people know where I am. But that might be different if he was home during the school year. 

As an aside, of sorts...I used to hear all the time in the homeschooling community the idea that "never do anything for your kids that they can do for themselves" and it always bugged me. I do things all the time for them that they can do but I also do them for my husband. And he does them for me. And sometimes my kids do things for me I could do. I think we've tried more to take the approach of having them be able to do things for themselves but also function as a family that all works together in the home. Last night my middle son made dinner for himself before going out and he made sure to make enough for me and my husband also. To me that's the goal. But I also often struggle with wondering if I am doing too much or not doing enough. 

I'll also say that my second son who is almost 18 will likely need more scaffolding as a young adult. He has ADHD and anxiety and also just personality wise wants more help with making decisions. He can make them himself he just seems to like more input and seems to process more outloud than my oldest. So he will come to me with something and ask what I think where the oldest will hardly ever do that. 

 

[kirstenhill]

We're paying for half of DD20s school expenses, so she's not financially independent, but is generally pretty independent on daily life while she's at college. She's needed to visit both the dentist and get an eye exam while at school.  She texted me for advice on choosing places that would be covered by our insurance and asked questions about the coverage, but made the appointments herself and took the bus to get there.   She doesn't have a car at school (3 hrs away) so we still need to get her to and from school on breaks - but this is a mutual decision as to what would work best.  We are happy to make the drives back and forth to save her the expense of having a car at school, which involves a lot of parking expense and hassle (not to mention she would have to purchase a car, as we don't have an extra one she could keep at school all the time). 

We chat once a week for 30 minute or so most weeks just to catch up - but again, it's by mutual choice, and sometimes we miss weeks if she is busy.  When she was home for a month we had to coordinate who was using what car (3 cars, 4 drivers) so there was a lot of discussing of every driver's plans.  No one felt as independent as usual since sometimes even DH or I had to have a ride from one of our kids, if that made more sense (such as DD dropping me off to get coffee with a friend, while on her way somewhere else).

It all feels like a healthy balance right now...a launching phase that will I am guessing naturally lead to a little more space and independence from us when she eventually graduates, gets her own job and insurance, figures out her own transportation needs for a job, etc.
 

[skimomma]

I'd say my 21yo college student is average on the independence scale when looking at the whole picture.

She attends college locally but did move into the dorm her freshman year (which was required as a condition of her scholarships) and then directly into a rental house (AKA, the world's biggest dump) that she shares with two other students.  I was not expecting that and assumed we would at least have one more summer with her home.  We do pay for her medical insurance (through my employer) and cell phone plan (just because we have been too lazy to change that).  She pays for everything else and manages her own finances.  She has had summer internships every summer of college so far and also works part time during the school year.  Between that and her scholarships, she seems to be able to cover everything as far as I can tell.  She even took out a loan on her own and purchased a car.  She covers and arranges all the maintenance and insurance, although she did ask and we provided advice on how to do those things.  She shops and cooks for herself.  She does a lot of travel by car as her significant other lives 5 hours away and she is a gigging musician on the side, often taking her states away for gigs or session work.  That makes me super nervous but I keep my mouth shut

All that said, she still seems to need a lot of emotional scaffolding.  It is extremely rare that dh and/or I don't hear from her daily.  Often several times a day.  It is mostly just idle chat, sharing little things about her day, or blowing off steam about something that is bothering her.   But also often about her struggles, anxiety, and misgivings.  She will drop in at our house or dh's place of employment several times a week, when she is in town.  Her house, the college, our house, and dh's work are all within a 1.5 mile radius.  I still help her register for classes every semester as she is super concerned with being efficient with her class schedule and not accidentally adding extra time to her time at school.  I used to be an academic advisor at the school she attends so this does make sense.  She has a large and fun group of friends at school but always wants to know if we are hanging out with our own friends and lobbies to be included.  This is a common situation with all of our friends' adult kids.  I guess we are super "fun?"  Lol!  But she even has a handful of college friends that join her and even sometimes come hang out with us even if she is not there.  It's kind of weird, honestly, but also great.  We have gotten a few notes (and gifts!) from the parents of her friends thanking us for including them and being their "parents away from home."  It is less common now but we did a lot of helping her friends when they first started by driving them to the doctor, bringing them groceries when sick, offering up storage in our garage over the summers, and assisting with other emergencies.

She will be graduating in April and is a little lost.  It's mostly a matter of trying to choose between too many exciting possibilities.  She did mention the possibility of temporarily moving back home afterwards to let the dust settle.  We are OK with that but I think it will be harder for everyone than we think.  She is usually back at her own house after a few days of staying here during breaks, so I don't know how sustainable having her here will be.  We do not share any kind of vehicles so the only time we need to know where she is going or when she will return is when we have to arrange the order of cars in our single-wide driveway.  I expect she will move from the area by the end of the summer is not before.  She is applying to graduate schools and has asked if we would help her move if she needed it.  Which, of course, we will.