nightime routine/bedtime for 13-year-old DS

[CarolfromIL]

Hi everyone, I've been reading for a while and decided to post. I have a 13 son and recently we have decided to let him choose his bedtime, as long as it was before 10 or 10:30. Well, of course he is pushing it to 10:30 every night and is tired in the AM and its making me rethink how much sleep he needs. He also wants to take his shower at 10:20 and get ready for bed in the last 10 minutes before bedtime---which is just crazy because my husband and I go to bed at 10:30. So we make him get ready for bed earlier now---which he doesn't like of course.

 

Do your kids still have a nighttime routine at this age or do you let yours choose their own schedule (shower, PJ's, etc.)?

 

What is a "reasonable" bedtime for a 13-year-old who needs to get up and start working on his assignments by 7:30 or 8?

Edited December 22, 2008 by CarolfromIL

[rwalizer]

My ds goes to bed at 10 pm and I too am rethinking this. We start school at 8 and he is usually still sleepy. Even though I have read a lot about how teens need so much more sleep than they did when they were younger, I have yet to bite the bullet and start making him go to bed earlier. Laziness has kept me from making the bed time earlier because I know he is going to try to debate with me on doing it. He really needs to be in bed at 9 or 9:30. As for the whole shower/getting ready for bed thing, I do insist on that getting done early. Sometimes he tries to argue about it, but I use my "If I hear one more word about it, you'll go to bed early the rest of the week"(or get some privilege taken away) trick and it usually gets results. That way the transition into bed is peaceful and ends with hugs and "good night" instead of frustration.

[Starr]

I find growing boys need sleep. The best thing we do is have our 12 1/2 year old in bed by 9:30 on school days. I think he often sleeps 10 hours. I'm also starting to have my dd 14 not check e mail before bed. Bedtime is about unwinding, reading, devotions, that sort of thing and then sleeping. We have friends that drop bedtime at 13 but have specific expectations as to what has to get done the next day. It seems to work for them but they are usually home. My ds moves to slowly and doesn't focus well when tired. We'll get through this too! :)

[CarolfromIL]

Mine is so sleepy too at 7:30/8---he just seems to work at half speed for about an hour. Makes me think he needs more sleep too.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, I think ideally you would give him this freedom, but I guess if he can't handle it, what choice is he giving you but to set the limit for him?

 

First question: How long have y'all been at this? Could y'all just not have found the situation that works for all of you yet?

 

I'd sit him down and tell him that you need him to figure out a solution or you'll be forced to come up with your own. Tell him what your concerns are and what things about the current situation just won't fly. And hopefully he'll have some great idea. If not, you'll just have to do what you believe is best. Maybe you can give him another try in a few months or at 14 or whatever.

 

For us, there are certain things that must be done at a certain time in the morning (for Mommy to be happy and healthy). My ds (13) is allowed to set his own bedtime (generally between 10 and 11 which is later than I would choose for him, but....) but there are a few rules (no computer or game system after we go to bed, function next day, etc). If he couldn't live by the rules, we'd set a bedtime. Thankfully, he's self-regulating well. I really don't want to be managing things like bedtime for a teenager. They need to learn to do that sort of thing themselves.

[Janet in Toronto]

My DS 13 is a night owl. He usually goes to sleep around 11 (in in bed by 10 or so) and gets up at 5:50 so that he can leave for school at 6:45 (his choice...he likes to get there early and play ping pong with his friends...school starts at 8:20 and he doesn't need to leave home until 7:30 or so).

 

He sleeps in somewhat on the weekends, and sometimes has a nap after school, but we let him manage his own sleep. DH has very similar patterns...he doesn't need much sleep, and often stays up late at night.

 

We tried for years to manage DSs sleep for him, but it just didn't work. He is simply not ready to drift off at 9 or 10.

[CarolfromIL]

Well, I think ideally you would give him this freedom, but I guess if he can't handle it, what choice is he giving you but to set the limit for him?

 

First question: How long have y'all been at this? Could y'all just not have found the situation that works for all of you yet?

 

We've been home for years----when he turned 13 we thought we should try not to be preceptive about bedtime....and now I'm seeing that isn't working out well.

[Brindee]

With our oldest we allowed him more leeway at bedtime, since he handled it well. With our 2nd, we had to set a time to go to bed and enforce it. He needs LOTS of sleep and is a real bear if he doesn't get it! He knows that, so we never had too much of a hard time enforcing it. His need for sleep overrides any problems usually. He is one that took daily naps through age 9! When he found out other 9yo's weren't taking naps, he started curtailing his! But even now, at 15, he'll ASK to go to bed earlier sometimes since he's so tired! We have a whole bedtime routine: clean the cat box, get pj's on, brush teeth, family wroship, then bed. So he and his little sister usually are ready when all that's done.

[CarolfromIL]

Thanks for the tips. Starting a little later with school is something we can look at.

[Joanne]

Do you want him to have autonomy for bedtime or do ypu want control? I'm not asking because I have a preference; but that you can't have it both ways.

 

My 13 year old son sets his own bedtime with the following rules:

 

When I declare I am off duty, that's it. A choice to expect something from me is a choice for him to go to bed.

 

Attitude and behavior during school must be up to standard.

 

Baseball seasons require an earlier bedtime - this happens without too much protest.

 

We don't start school that early although because I do have homeschool clients we have a start time. If it was just my kids, I'd offer more autonomy. Unless I had to revoke it.