Would you be worried?

[happyWImom]

DD (almost 7) is very much the drama queen, very emotional, sensitive, volatile, etc... so bear this in mind. Anyway, different times when she has done something wrong and is suffering the consequences, she will hit herself!:001_huh: For instance, this morning dd & ds started arguing, it turned into hitting, so we talked to both of them "this isn't acceptable, you know this, this isn't how we handle things, blah, blah.. Now you won't get to watch your show" then they both were sent to their rooms. So, both were punished. While she was going to her room, she kept smacking herself in the face with both hands. My reaction, right away is "we have to take her to see someone!" She is quite the attention-getter, though, and that's what dh thinks it was, because she went in her room and then was fine. Sometimes though, when she's said something mean or hurtful, then she cries and says she's mean, she's a terrible person, etc... We talk about it, and I tell her no one if perfect, everyone says or does things they shouldn't sometimes, as long as she knows it's wrong and tries, that's the important thing-you get the picture.

So, is this normal? And do I address it, if so, how?

[Scarlett]

DD (almost 7) is very much the drama queen, very emotional, sensitive, volatile, etc... so bear this in mind. Anyway, different times when she has done something wrong and is suffering the consequences, she will hit herself!:001_huh: For instance, this morning dd & ds started arguing, it turned into hitting, so we talked to both of them "this isn't acceptable, you know this, this isn't how we handle things, blah, blah.. Now you won't get to watch your show" then they both were sent to their rooms. So, both were punished. While she was going to her room, she kept smacking herself in the face with both hands. My reaction, right away is "we have to take her to see someone!" She is quite the attention-getter, though, and that's what dh thinks it was, because she went in her room and then was fine. Sometimes though, when she's said something mean or hurtful, then she cries and says she's mean, she's a terrible person, etc... We talk about it, and I tell her no one if perfect, everyone says or does things they shouldn't sometimes, as long as she knows it's wrong and tries, that's the important thing-you get the picture.

So, is this normal? And do I address it, if so, how?

 

I don't know if it is normal or not, but my ds8 does this. He also is very emotional and very dramatic. The way I handle it (in my good mommy moments) is to kindly say, 'son you know I don't allow you to hit. It is unkind and I certainly do not want you being unkind to my son.' Or when he calls himself stupid, 'you are not permitted to call anyone stupid. I don't want to see my son treated that way.' It seems to affect him posititively.

 

:grouphug: I know it used to really freak me out....I'm used to it now though...:tongue_smilie: We all have quirks...this is just his...unless it gets worse I won't be worrying anymore. And in fact, it has gotten better.

[Tree House Academy]

Your dh hit the nail on the head. It is an attention getter...and it is a praise seeking method. She is being punished and wants you to stop being mad and tell her she is not stupid or awful, etc. My oldest ds did this (he is 9 now) but stopped as he got older and when it stopped working. One day he said, "I am soooo stupid" because he got in trouble over something and I looked at him, and, for shock value said, "I know!" He looked at me dumbfounded and said, "NO I AM NOT! I AM REALLY SMART!" LOL Obviously he never meant it in the first place and luckily when I called him on it, my hunch that he didn't mean it was correct.

[Maria/ME]

I agree with Scarletts approach. My dd10 is dramatic too...she has a tendency to hit herself...my approach is a bit different stemming from my own drama and tendency to do the same thing. I'm going out on a limb here with what I'm saying...your situation is different...but just some thoughts.

 

I remember doing the same thing as a child. Hit myself. Scratch myself. Try to rip my pillow/blanket/whatever. I was angry,angry,angry, but I felt mostly HELPLESS...and 'unheard'. It probably wasn't the truth, but that doesn't matter: feelings trump facts. I never learned to deal with this, so today what do I do when, say, once a month I get angry, and helpless...the desire and tendency is to hit myself. Hurt myself. In a child, fairly normal. Not so in an adult. We need to learn to deal with these feelings. So I believe strongly in finding the underlying feeling, which could be helplessness and anger, and helping your child dealing with them.

 

In our case, at a neutral time, I explained to my daughter that I recalled having those feelings and that I STILL DO. What I found is that she is scared, upset, angry and wants to TALK it through. She feels she isn't listened to and then gets frustrated. She also doesn't have a good outlet for that anger. Being sent to her room is a punishment and of course makes her angry, but at the same time, it made her feel helpless. I explained that at times we both need to cool off and that's why she's sent to her room. So she takes pen in hand, now,a nd writes her anger.

 

Sometimes that's not enough, sometimes all that anger and dramatic force of feeling just needs to come out .....but there are WAY healthier ways....and as parents we need to help our kids find those. But I do feel, in no way, should we react to those things as attention getters, and that's why I liked Scarlett's approach. Acknowledge the act, but not as a reaction to the drama. Frankly, I did my hitting/tearing/scratching/biting in private and let no one see. That's a bit scarier.

 

Rejoice. We have kids who have FLAIR, feel deeply and can empathize with others to a great extent...there is a great place and a great NEED in the world for these qualities...we have to make sure they come out constructively,not self destructively.

 

Do NOT feel bad about getting some professional help. Heck,all parents could use professional help once in awhile. You go to the doctor when your child has a fever, right? Often a professional can see aspects of the situation in a way you never thought of. I asked my therapist for some ideas and she had a lot to add in a few minutes. Just running it by someone is a great relief. If you don't agree, don't follow their advice...but it can help you gain prospective. (On the other hand, you don't want a therapist who is an alarmist, either.)

[Scarlett]

I agree with Scarletts approach. My dd10 is dramatic too...she has a tendency to hit herself...my approach is a bit different stemming from my own drama and tendency to do the same thing. I'm going out on a limb here with what I'm saying...your situation is different...but just some thoughts.

 

I remember doing the same thing as a child. Hit myself. Scratch myself. Try to rip my pillow/blanket/whatever. I was angry,angry,angry, but I felt mostly HELPLESS...and 'unheard'. It probably wasn't the truth, but that doesn't matter: feelings trump facts. I never learned to deal with this, so today what do I do when, say, once a month I get angry, and helpless...the desire and tendency is to hit myself. Hurt myself. In a child, fairly normal. Not so in an adult. We need to learn to deal with these feelings. So I believe strongly in finding the underlying feeling, which could be helplessness and anger, and helping your child dealing with them.

 

In our case, at a neutral time, I explained to my daughter that I recalled having those feelings and that I STILL DO. What I found is that she is scared, upset, angry and wants to TALK it through. She feels she isn't listened to and then gets frustrated. She also doesn't have a good outlet for that anger. Being sent to her room is a punishment and of course makes her angry, but at the same time, it made her feel helpless. I explained that at times we both need to cool off and that's why she's sent to her room. So she takes pen in hand, now,a nd writes her anger.

 

Sometimes that's not enough, sometimes all that anger and dramatic force of feeling just needs to come out .....but there are WAY healthier ways....and as parents we need to help our kids find those. But I do feel, in no way, should we react to those things as attention getters, and that's why I liked Scarlett's approach. Acknowledge the act, but not as a reaction to the drama. Frankly, I did my hitting/tearing/scratching/biting in private and let no one see. That's a bit scarier.

 

Rejoice. We have kids who have FLAIR, feel deeply and can empathize with others to a great extent...there is a great place and a great NEED in the world for these qualities...we have to make sure they come out constructively,not self destructively.

 

Do NOT feel bad about getting some professional help. Heck,all parents could use professional help once in awhile. You go to the doctor when your child has a fever, right? Often a professional can see aspects of the situation in a way you never thought of. I asked my therapist for some ideas and she had a lot to add in a few minutes. Just running it by someone is a great relief. If you don't agree, don't follow their advice...but it can help you gain prospective. (On the other hand, you don't want a therapist who is an alarmist, either.)

 

I am sure that with some kids, as Rebecca said above, it can be attention getting behavior. With my son though, I never feel that is the case with the hitting himself or calling himself stupid. He does LOTS of things to get attention :tongue_smilie: but this behavior isn't like that. Maria you articulated some of the things that I knew in my gut but hadn't thought through well, so thank you. It is an expression of feeling helpless and not knowing how to handle those feelings. Sending him to his room often makes it worse UNLESS I get on his level and tell him he just needs to go until he and I both can calm down.

 

I don't remember hitting myself or calling myself stupid as a child, but I did spend several years early in my marriage smashing objects to bits due to be unable to deal with my dh. So I recognize the temper in ds as being like me and I work to help him control that. One thing I tell ds is 'only you control you. No one else can get inside your head and control those feelings. And you CAN control yourself and when you do control yourself it is the most wonderful feeling in the world afterwards.'

 

Again, these are good mommy moments. In my bad ones I get so angry at him I feel like *I* might explode. :o

[Maria/ME]

One thing I tell ds is 'only you control you. No one else can get inside your head and control those feelings. And you CAN control yourself and when you do control yourself it is the most wonderful feeling in the world afterwards.'

 

That's a good point. We can't read their minds and they really do need to articulate...part of growing up.

 

You also made a good point, for my dd, too, it IS different than her usual attention getting behavior...

 

Again, these are good mommy moments. In my bad ones I get so angry at him I feel like *I* might explode. :o

 

It is my ARDENT hope that those good mommy moments we have will have an effect! If not seen right away, when they get older we'll see the stamp of them!! I hope not the stamp of the days I had MY tantrums! ;)

[Scarlett]

That's a good point. We can't read their minds and they really do need to articulate...part of growing up.

 

You also made a good point, for my dd, too, it IS different than her usual attention getting behavior...

 

 

 

It is my ARDENT hope that those good mommy moments we have will have an effect! If not seen right away, when they get older we'll see the stamp of them!! I hope not the stamp of the days I had MY tantrums! ;)

 

I was probably mid to late 20s when I had this Epiphany---dh had put laundry in WRONG---and it just caused a ridiculous white hot rage to come over me. But I said nothing. I held it in and several HOURS later I realized that I was no longer angry over the stupid laundry and best of all I HAD NOT SAID OR DONE anything harmful to my dh. Wow. I know that seems so elementary, but I think the lesson for parents is that it takes a while for that truth to become self-evident with our kids--kids with temper like that. That is why I want to teach my son that he is capable of controlling his actions and feelings and that he will be glad when he does.

 

And one of my favorite scriptures is Eph 4:26---Be wrathful and yet do not sin. :)

[Sahamamama]

I would not be worried, exactly, just more alert to the child having feelings that he is not equipped to express. My husband and I were talking about something similar the other night, about how on the one hand we insist that our daughter (4 yo) calms down (because she can really get worked up when she is corrected, not matter how calmly we do it), and on the other hand we don't want to shut her down emotionally. Of course, we get the whole, "My stomach is going 'Whoop' and I can't stop the bump in my throat" drama, but really, how else does a young child KNOW how to express being and feeling upset about something?

 

I've tried the approach of "giving her the words." What I mean is that, when we are talking about the feelings that come up during discipline/correction, I try to help her express herself and to find words/phrases that she can understand and use to tell us how she feels. I'm not really sure how to do this, or if it's effective from my daughter's point of view -- how understood does she feel? This is a GOOD question, one I'll have to think more about and pray more about.

 

As far as your son hitting himself, I agree with Scarlett's approach to matter-of-factly tell him, "I do not allow any of my children to hit any of my children, so this means that you are not allowed to hit yourself." But then I would also verbally acknowledge his frustration with something like, "You are probably feeling frustrated and sad now. Can you tell me how you feel?" ..[frustrated and sad]... "Sometimes feeling that way is the result of making poor choices, such as .... [fighting with your sister, etc.]. What poor choice did you make?" ......[fighting with sister]......... Your choices, wise or foolish, will impact your life. When your father and I correct you, it's not just to make you feel upset or to punish you, but to teach you right from wrong and to guide our family towards living peacefully together. We hope that you will learn through correction to make better, wiser choices." Or something like that.

 

If you believe in praying with your children, you might also, at an appropriate time, offer to pray with them, either separately or together (to restore peace between them). HTH.

Edited December 17, 2008 by Sahamamama

[Scarlett]

If you believe in praying with your children, you might also, at an appropriate time, offer to pray with them, either separately or together (to restore peace between them). HTH.

 

Oh, this is a good point. Sometimes ds gets so worked up that he just needs to be held and loved on. I know some looking on would consider this coddling him or being too soft...but I know my son and I know it helps him calm down. The consequence can even still be enforced or whatever, but he is still calmed by my loving kind touch.

 

And once in the car when I couldn't do that I prayed with him. It was amazing how well it worked. I also encourage ds to call on God on his own to help him calm down.

[Maria/ME]

 

I've tried the approach of "giving her the words." What I mean is that, when we are talking about the feelings that come up during discipline/correction, I try to help her express herself and to find words/phrases that she can understand and use to tell us how she feels. I'm not really sure how to do this, or if it's effective from my daughter's point of view -- how understood does she feel?

 

Just spinning off of this thought...I have a friend who TELLS her children what they feel. I think, at times, for me, there is a fine line between 'giving the words' and 'telling the words'. To put another way,my friend would say "You are angry right now and frustrated!" Instead of "Could you tell me in words how it feels right now to be you?" Okay, maybe that's not a good example because sometimes 'therapy speak' can get carried away, too...but kwim? I struggle with making sure I don't TELL my dd what to think, but just facilitate her sifting through her own thoughts.