Help me think through what I need to do for my mom

[Storygirl]

I'm sorry that I don't have advice about the current situation, but I'm glad that you will be able to be there with her, as of today.

About family helping -- I am one of three siblings, and we have each helped my parents to a varying amount. I have helped the most, by far, financially, and my Mom with Alzheimer's lived with me for almost a year before going into the nursing home. I took her in, because no one was giving her sufficient help. I lived three hours away from the rest of my family, so while she was with me, I had no help from them at all and no offers of help or even thanks.

She lived with my dad, but he was clueless about taking care of someone else (he did not do any of the hands-on parenting when we were little, either). My brother was very angry with my dad for not stepping up in caring for Mom at home and would evidently berate him often for not doing more for her personally, rather than putting her in nursing care (I heard this second hand, from my sister). But my brother himself did not one single thing to help Mom. As far as I know, he never even visited her in the nursing home, though he lived 10 minutes away, and she was there for nine years. I've helped my Dad move twice in the last four years, and my brother did NOTHING to help the second time. The first time, he arrived when the work was done and plugged in two lamps. That's it.

My sister was not willing to take care of Mom personally and did not step up to help with that, but she was the most regular visitor at the nursing home, and she helps my dad a lot with things that he needs. She lives in the same town, so she is more available. But I am the only one who was willing to care for Mom in my own home.

I have angry feelings toward my brother, but I don't let it fester. I just brush off my feelings. Because he is the person that he has always been, and I can't expect him to change and be different now that my parents are older and need more help. Should he step up? Yes! But I can't make the situation different, so I just do what I can. When my dad didn't do enough for my Mom, and I chose to take her in, I didn't blame Dad for not being able to do things that he had never done before in his life -- I suspect Dad is on the spectrum and couldn't really adapt and learn caretaking. So my brother berated him, and I just stepped up to help.

I try to accept that my family members are who they are, and I try to let my anger be short and move on.

In your situation, I would definitely be very angry with brother, and I'm sorry. You could have a conversation with him, but try not to do it when angry, because putting him on the defense will not help. But the conversation might not change anything.

I hope that your mom improves.

[katilac]

19 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Your later question was “how do I make peace with this” and, for me, it was the acknowledgment that others can do as they choose and I can likewise choose what I am ok or not ok with.  

+1

[Drama Llama]

4 hours ago, mlktwins said:

I agree with Dawn and also speaking from experience. She could fully recover back to where she was (I hope she does), but the reality may be that she isn't the same and you will need to start making different plans (or at least thinking about it and being ready). She fell and hurt herself. You don't know for sure??? where she fell or that she didn't hurt something other than her elbow. Once they start falling, they tend to lose some of their mobility and balance, are weaker, and will likely fall again. Whether weak from lack of eating, being sick, or just getting older and not moving the same, falls will happen unfortunately. And all it takes is one bad one to totally change the game for her and for you.

I just want to add that, in my experience and others on this board, you will probably have a hard time getting someone to come in for an hour twice a day. Most caregiving companies require at least 4 hours of time per visit (it needs to be worth their while too with travel time, costs, etc.). Just for reference, I am paying $25/hour for 24/7 care for my dad. That is actually cheap around here.

Regarding shared caregiving responsibilities with your brother, I have done it mostly myself for my dad while homeschooling twin high schoolers and helping with my in-laws until they died. I agree with @Spryte that fairness will not come into play. For me, I am doing it because it is the right thing to do and I want to know I did what I could for my dad even though he has made it super difficult these past 4.5 years. I need to be able to lay my head on my pillow at night, especially after he is gone. I have a lot of resentment about the whole situation, including too much time lost with my boys because of it, but it is what it is. 

There is possibly a plus side if your brother isn't involved (like my sister isn't with my dad). I get to make all the decisions and I'm not dealing with other family trying to say what they think is best and making things even more difficult than they already are. It is a lot of pressure on me, but I can't imagine having to argue and justify everything to someone else in joint decisions when it comes to my dad.

Who is POA? Who makes the medical decisions if she cannot? That will be an issue if it isn't you.

I wish you safe travels today and that you find her doing ok given the circumstances. It is a hard road you are starting to travel down with her. Keep your chin up and do what you need to do.

 

Supposedly, I have POA.  I say supposedly because she has not shown me any paperwork, but she told the doctor that in our virtual appointment last week, and she wrote it on the intake paperwork when she moved into the place.  

The facility she is in has an arrangement with a Home Health Agency that you can contract with to provide in home services in 20 minute increments.  Their CNA's just move between different apartments in the building.  But they don't do anything, including intake, during covid.  That's the assessment we have on Tuesday.  They are also not sure whether they have any available hours, so they tell me it may take a while to get services set up.  Because of the arrangement, it seems we have to use that particular agency.  

[mlktwins]

36 minutes ago, BandH said:

Supposedly, I have POA.  I say supposedly because she has not shown me any paperwork, but she told the doctor that in our virtual appointment last week, and she wrote it on the intake paperwork when she moved into the place.  

The facility she is in has an arrangement with a Home Health Agency that you can contract with to provide in home services in 20 minute increments.  Their CNA's just move between different apartments in the building.  But they don't do anything, including intake, during covid.  That's the assessment we have on Tuesday.  They are also not sure whether they have any available hours, so they tell me it may take a while to get services set up.  Because of the arrangement, it seems we have to use that particular agency.  

I understand. Maybe not ideal, but seems like your only option at this facility.

I would really, really try and get your hands on her important documents at this point. Will, POA, Advanced Medical Directive. Find out if she has a DNR in place and make sure you have it (or a copy). If she doesn't have one in place, you may want to try and have that conversation and get it in place while you are there.  Totally not a fun conversation to have, but very needed at this point. Doctors, hospitals, financial institutions will all want a copy (or to see it at least) of one or more of these documents.

Edited January 1, 2023 by mlktwins