nm

[marbel]

I think some people, when they are around their parents, just feel a pressure to be the good little kid again, and act accordingly. So even though you and he were in agreement that Christmas wasn't happening, once confronted with the parents, he reverted to good son mode, and went along with the program.

I am somewhat that way with my older sister. It's odd. When I am with her I revert to being the little sister and pretty much whatever she says, I agree with. On the rare occasion I disagree with her, or don't go along with what she wants, it is shocking to her and causes tension between us. I was not that way with my parents, just with her. I'm sure that is something a psychologist could tease apart easily. 

Edited August 17, 2022 by marbel

[heartlikealion]

1 hour ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

The place he works has a good work and life balance at heart. It’s just the job has more work to do than is reasonable and someone has to do it. And they just keep piling it on. There was a CEO change and this CEO won’t tell people no. Which always falls on DH to complete the tasks. The same CEO will tell DH he works too much, ask him to hire another person, etc. 

Hope it’s ok I quoted this 

Your dh is an enabler. He must put his foot down. Even if he secretly likes staying busy/not available to the family right now. This is not right. And not sustainable. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

2 hours ago, marbel said:

I think some people, when they are around their parents, just feel a pressure to be the good little kid again, and act accordingly. So even though you and he were in agreement that Christmas wasn't happening, once confronted with the parents, he reverted to good son mode, and went along with the program.

 

Yes he was the good kid. I was always told from IL’s how he was the perfect child/person. He never did wrong and could never do wrong. He always always tries to do what is right even to this day. He was the perfectly compliant child with a controlling and opinionated dad. DH is brilliant and his teachers really encouraged him to pursue college but his dad was very negative on it and pushed him toward the military. FIL just has strong opinions about everything and he constantly pushes them and voices them like incessantly. “Real men don’t go to college”. “That’s for men who don’t want to really work”. Whether DH even realizes it, his dad sets himself up as the standard of perfection and is hard to please and has such strong opinions so DH made a lot of decisions just to attempt to please him. Also being put on a pedestal as “the perfectly compliant” kid isn’t helpful. But his dad also isn’t very stable in his opinions. When DH signed up for the Air Force in lieu of college, he proudly told his dad and FIL said “why did you do that. It isn’t what it was when I was in it, you’ll regret it”. After years of telling DH that real men go military and not college.  I’ve seen him do this so many times. Push push an opinion and then when you act on it, be like “why did you do that?”
 

I think NPD is overly used in todays society but I think FIL may have it? And MIL is just his enabler. 

Edited August 17, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Ann.without.an.e]

35 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Hope it’s ok I quoted this 

Your dh is an enabler. He must put his foot down. Even if he secretly likes staying busy/not available to the family right now. This is not right. And not sustainable. 

Quoting that is fine. He just likes to see a job completed but the list never ends. He is the one who has to complete it and there are always deadlines. A lot of people are dependent on him. He has gotten better at saying no. The CEO came up with the far fetched plan that was going to take 2 weeks time for his crew to accomplish something insignificant and he said no. He’s getting better at saying no to the stupid stuff. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

Nm

Edited August 17, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e