Danestress Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 (edited) If you have family in town do you feel obiged to eat all the holiday meals with them? Here's my dilemma. I am hosting TG. My parents and my MIL will be there. I am sure I will do Christmas Eve with my mother and MIL too, if MIL wants to. They will all come here Christmas morning to open presents and have brunch. My sister will be here for that too, with her husband. My other sister will come Christmas Day with her family. I have been working sort of overtime with my parents, getting Dad into an assisted living place. I see them *all the time* and no part of me feels like I am not an attentive enough daughter. But I just assumed that since my sisters will both be in town, I wouldn't necessarily have to host Christmas dinner. I really don't want to, either. We will have a good friend and his fiance coming in town that evening (I know - weird timing, but I already said it was okay before I thought about any of this, and they have purchased tickets). I would really like to have Christmas dinner with my immediate family and our guests. Even MIL or my parents would be most welcome, but I don't feel at all inclined to have to put on a huge dinner for my sisters and their families, and it seems like they could maybe have dinner with my parents. The problem there, though, is that my Mom doesn't want to exclude my father, but also doesn't want to take him to her house because he's having trouble adjusting to assisted living and she's afraid that will make it worse. But even so. I just feel like I have to do *everything* these days, and I want my Mom to figure this out herself with my sisters, you know? I can't imagine how I will host meals for Christmas Eve and Christmas brunch, and then turn around and have a meal that night for a crowd that I don't even have seating for. But I think my Mom expects that I will, and I don't know how to approach this with her. One sister will be totally accomodating. The other expects me to just always do the meals. My Mom is healthy and capable of fixing a meal, but lately she just seems to want me to handle everything. What would you do? Edited November 18, 2008 by Danestress Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 Okay, here's my blunt, off-the-top-of-my-head response. Call your sisters (e-mail them together?), note that Mom doesn't seem to want to cook this year, lay out the part you are willing to do - "I would be willing to cook the turkey and bring it somewhere, but I just can't have everybody at the house" or whatever is true for you, and end with something on the order of, "what are you able to do, what do you think, etc." This stuff is hard... Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rafiki Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readwithem Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 One sister will be totally accomodating. The other expects me to just always do the meals. My Mom is healthy and capable of fixing a meal, but lately she just seems to want me to handle everything. What would you do? :grouphug:Can you chat with the first sister, and sort of get a game plan with her and approach the 2nd sister? Or will she feel you have ganged up against her? Keep reminding yourself of your last statement here. Your mom IS capable and healthy. Could you suggest everybody go to a restaurant as extended family, or will that be viewed as impersonal? Maybe get a private dining room somewhere so you don't have to deal with the before and after? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 The problem there, though, is that my Mom doesn't want to exclude my father, but also doesn't want to take him to her house because he's having trouble adjusting to assisted living and she's afraid that will make it worse. This would be a big issue for me. Mom's right- dad needs to be included, but it will be better if he doesn't go home. That means dinner can't be at Mom's house. Where are your sisters staying? If they are staying at mom's house, I would just bite the bullet and host. I would call mom sisters and say they are responsible for bringing everything but the meat, and they need to do all the clean-up afterwards. There are two alternatives to hosting dinner as I see it- reserve a private room at a restaraunt, or tell your family they are on their own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 There's really no way around the fact that you have to tell your family plainly what you can and cannot do. I've BTDT--I know it's hard. :grouphug: You can do this sweetly but firmly. Something like, "Sisters, I am pretty maxed out with the time I have had to take to help settle Dad. I would love to be together at Christmas. I would be willing to _____________ (here's where you say what you can do)." If they argue or attempt to negotiate your parameters you must smile and REPEAT. Do not succumb to the temptation to give elaborate explanations or fudge your boundaries. Just repeat what you CAN do, sweetly. Don't apologize, fret, or compromise, because you will give away too much in doing so. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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