Need help w/ Completely Self-Absorbed DS11

[annabanana1992]

My husband and I are so exasperated with DS11. He is a high-maintenance, self-absorbed child. He has always been this way. We discipline by removing privilieges, but nothing seems to help much. He is his own personal idol. He just can't seem to ever think of anyone other than himself. Does anyone have some advice?

[HappyGrace]

SERVICE! Sounds like he needs to spend time helping others less fortunate! Check around your community-there should be plenty of opportunities for that age.

[annabanana1992]

bump?

[Pamela H in Texas]

Grace is right. Service to others, ministry work, volunteering, helping others, etc WORKS and works fast and well.

 

My son started doing ministry with our congregation just as he turned 12. His whole personality did a DRAMATIC turn around for the better. When I got so ill, he was able to do less of it and you could really tell in his behavior. Now he's doing it a lot again and he's LOVING it. He begged to go even when under the weather last week. And he's SO much more pleasant to be around.

 

Anyway, I totally and wholeheartedly second service :)

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

Well, first of all, think about how you described the kid here. While there might be personality traits of his that aren't your favorites, describing an 11 year old child in that manner is not what I would consider to be a healthy thing.

 

It is quite common for homeschool children to more easily fall into the "golden child" syndrome. Mom and dad pour so much time and energy into the child the child comes to think of himself as more important than he really is.

 

The key here IMO is not to force him into serving others, but into serving himself. Do you make all his meals? Do you do his laundry? Does he have a pet that He is responsible for? Does he have other teachers and adults in his life that have high expectations from him?

 

Do you have a life outside the home? Does he have to miss out on things sometimes because you have somewhere you have to be, work you have to do outside the home, etc?

 

How are his relationships with his friends? How often does he get invited to sleepovers, out to movies, etc? If you see that he isn't very popular, that might be because of not showing thoughtful behavior when he is invited to spend time with friends. Approaching it from that angle is something that could be effective in getting him to look outside himself a bit.

 

Is his self esteem really high, or is he pumping himself up because in reality he doesn't like himself very much? Does he hear you calling him things like "self absorbed" or "his own personal idol"? Low self esteem could also be the cause of not having a lot of friends. Do other kids make fun of him? Having high self esteem and having no problem putting yourself first in certain situations is actually a good thing.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Just because she tried to describe the problem on here doesn't mean that she has expressed it that way to the child or that there is a pervasive attitude about the child in his presence. She was simply describing the problem she perceives with the child. Also, it seems probable that she posted while still in a tizzy about his most recent display of the problem behavior.

 

I think that much of your post (jedi) is GREAT in considering what may be contributing to his behavior and if he may be able to work on these personality traits or bad habits that are affecting him. I don't disagree with that.

 

I want to say on "forcing him to serve others" though that almost everyone can find a cause they are interested in, believe in, feel is important, etc. If he's a computer junkie of sorts and can teach basic computer skills to senior citizens or young children, he probably wouldn't feel "forced." If he struggled to learn to read, he might enjoy tutoring a child or adult who is struggling like he did. If he loved animals, helping them find homes twice a month probably would be right up his alley. If he believed in the responsibility of the congregation to care for the older ones, he probably would enjoy taking a little old man shopping. Just to name a few things. The options for service to others are just about endless. He can probably come up with a number of ideas associated with things he enjoys or believes in as a jumping off point to find something.

 

But sometimes kids need a little help looking beyond themselves. Mom making the suggestion or even requiring him to think of options just opens the window to his mind a little. A lot of times people don't think of the options until they have a reason to. I guess I just see encouraging a child in that direction is a good thing. And I don't think that once they get brainstorming on options, there'd be much "forcing" to it. Research also shows that kids that volunteer gain better social and life skills, do better academically, and follow through on volunteering. These are all very positive things!

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

Just because she tried to describe the problem on here doesn't mean that she has expressed it that way to the child or that there is a pervasive attitude about the child in his presence. She was simply describing the problem she perceives with the child. Also, it seems probable that she posted while still in a tizzy about his most recent display of the problem behavior.

 

I think that much of your post (jedi) is GREAT in considering what may be contributing to his behavior and if he may be able to work on these personality traits or bad habits that are affecting him. I don't disagree with that.

 

I want to say on "forcing him to serve others" though that almost everyone can find a cause they are interested in, believe in, feel is important, etc. If he's a computer junkie of sorts and can teach basic computer skills to senior citizens or young children, he probably wouldn't feel "forced." If he struggled to learn to read, he might enjoy tutoring a child or adult who is struggling like he did. If he loved animals, helping them find homes twice a month probably would be right up his alley. If he believed in the responsibility of the congregation to care for the older ones, he probably would enjoy taking a little old man shopping. Just to name a few things. The options for service to others are just about endless. He can probably come up with a number of ideas associated with things he enjoys or believes in as a jumping off point to find something.

 

But sometimes kids need a little help looking beyond themselves. Mom making the suggestion or even requiring him to think of options just opens the window to his mind a little. A lot of times people don't think of the options until they have a reason to. I guess I just see encouraging a child in that direction is a good thing. And I don't think that once they get brainstorming on options, there'd be much "forcing" to it. Research also shows that kids that volunteer gain better social and life skills, do better academically, and follow through on volunteering. These are all very positive things!

 

You don't have to say it to the child. Children can very easily pick up on parent's non verbal language. If the OP truly believes this about her son, he knows it, whether it's spoken to or around him or not.

 

We all do it. I've had moments where thought "Golly dd is lazy." But in most situations it's not an ongoing thing. We might think something in a moment, but then the moment passes and is turned into a more healthy attitude- I need to make sure to find ways to model self motivation, or I just thought of a new way to help dd be more self motivated. The way this post was phrased made it sound like more of an ongoing thing. The kid is, and "has always been this way."

 

I'm not saying the parent is bad or wrong for thinking this. Often, when a situation has been left unchecked for a long period of time, the parent's psyche is effected just as the child's is. That's why there are no ways that exist to successfully modify children's behavior that don't involve changes on the part of the parents.

 

I am totally for kids volunteering. My own dd does so. Sometimes she has a choice in the matter and sometimes not- like if it is something her dance class etc. is doing. However, I think the parent also has to model that behavior to the child and I think that's key especially in a situation where the child may very well see himself as the center of the family universe.

[Remudamom]

So what if he picks up on it? What's she supposed to do, ignore his behavior and let him turn into a self centered little monster? She doesn't have to beat him over the head with it, just matter of factly point it out and deal with it.

 

Tell him he's developing a nasty habit and it's time to change it. Then help him with some of the suggestions above.

 

Remudamom

Mother of five non perfect teens rapidly turning into lovely adults.

[annabanana1992]

Well, first of all, think about how you described the kid here. While there might be personality traits of his that aren't your favorites, describing an 11 year old child in that manner is not what I would consider to be a healthy thing.

 

It is quite common for homeschool children to more easily fall into the "golden child" syndrome. Mom and dad pour so much time and energy into the child the child comes to think of himself as more important than he really is.

 

The key here IMO is not to force him into serving others, but into serving himself. Do you make all his meals? Do you do his laundry? Does he have a pet that He is responsible for? Does he have other teachers and adults in his life that have high expectations from him?

 

Do you have a life outside the home? Does he have to miss out on things sometimes because you have somewhere you have to be, work you have to do outside the home, etc?

 

How are his relationships with his friends? How often does he get invited to sleepovers, out to movies, etc? If you see that he isn't very popular, that might be because of not showing thoughtful behavior when he is invited to spend time with friends. Approaching it from that angle is something that could be effective in getting him to look outside himself a bit.

 

Is his self esteem really high, or is he pumping himself up because in reality he doesn't like himself very much? Does he hear you calling him things like "self absorbed" or "his own personal idol"? Low self esteem could also be the cause of not having a lot of friends. Do other kids make fun of him? Having high self esteem and having no problem putting yourself first in certain situations is actually a good thing.

 

Thank you for your thoughts. First of all, he is not homeschooled. He is enrolled in the local classical school. He is a straight A student and his teachers all praise his behavior. He has several friends from school and seems to be included in all birthday parties, get-togethers, etc. His teachers indicate that he is popular with the other kids in the class. As far as outside interests, he is a competitive swimmer and he runs on the school team. He doesn't really struggle to do anything - things come easily to him.

 

He is responsible for packing his lunch for school, laundry, room clean, cleaning bathrooms, and some yardwork.

 

I am definitely going to think about some possible places he could be involved in serving. We really want him to catch the vision of considering the needs of others as more important than his own...