Home for the holidays...and bringing boyfriends/girlfriends

[Familia]

I'd love to hear your experiences regarding college students bringing boyfriends/girlfriends home for visits over the holidays -- both your experiences as a parent and, in the past, as the child.  

I'm interested in everything from house rules to great memories that were made.  

I remember reading Nan in Mass describe a camping trip with her dad, sister, and their boyfriends where he read aloud to them...was it LOTR?  Not holidays, but a special time with family...I appreciate those stories.

Thank you!

 

P.S.  I hope my title change works, I did not think this duplicated the other thread, but I'm sorry about the original title.

Edited November 14, 2016 by secretgarden

[Nan in Mass]

Personal memories? Lots, since my sister and I got together with our future husband's at 16 and 18, too young not to have heavily involved parents. And they were. All three sets. All three welcomed the friend whenever and whereever. I remember being totally intimidated by my husband,s older siblings. My fil included my sister in his invitations to go skiing, so I would have company on the bunny slope. That was really nice. My patents tried to include my husband,s friends as well as my husband, which encouraged us to spend time at my house as part of my family, something I am sure my parents wanted. It was Hitchhiker,s Guide to the Galaxy that my father read out loud to us all that long weekend. My father tried to have some sort of project to do with the guys. Actually, I think it was more a matter of taking advantage of having more manpower available, but it provided entertainment and gave him a chance to get to know them. My parents had some sort of expedition planned, usually, as well, something like taking us all sledding. This kept the burden of entertaining our guest from landing entirely on my sister or me. We appreciated that.

 

Meals served family style with any sauces and condiments on the side, plenty of something like bread and butter available, and no comments on who helps themselves to what help make a guest more comfortable. My mil discretely went to some effort to provide meals I could eat, which I really appreciated.

 

Since this seems to be something people are curious about, friends were provided with their own bed but nobody except my mother-in-law tried to keep track of who was where when. (We've done something similar. Unless you want to get into the nitty gritty with both parties, it is easier to provide sleeping spaces and make a general announcement about your house rules or lack there-of. Much, much safer and more comfortable for all involved.)

 

We,ve taken a similar approach to the one my parents took. It is a great chance to get to know the significant others and for them to get to know us, and it doesn't hurt for the child to see the friend within the setting of their own family.

 

Nan

[Mom22ns]

I came in to listen as dd is planning to bring home a significant other during Christmas break. She is getting her wisdom teeth out the day before Thanksgiving and he is working on the weekend when we are going to celebrate, so that one didn't work out. This is our first experience with having a significant other come home from the parental perspective

 

Anyway, I guess I can tell you that of course my sister and I brought our boyfriends (who we married) home with us from college, and I went home with dh. I remember time spent visiting, playing some games and at Christmas, my family always worked big puzzles (3000-ish pieces) and visiting over a puzzle happened every Christmas. I think having something to do that allows conversation, but keeps everyone from sitting and staring at each other is very helpful! Dh's family tended to do more sitting and staring and it was terribly awkward. 

 

I agree about meals served family style. Make sure you know of any dietary restrictions (my ds has allergies and dd is a vegetarian so I'm sensitive on this) and accommodate them the best you can.

 

As far as house rules, we never had any. Basic manners are to be expected from everyone. We did have separate bedrooms for significant others, but there were no rules on who could be where when. These are adults (or nearly adults) you are talking about right? 

 

Back to lurking and listening because I'm still interested in how others made this a great experience. If these significant others become permanent family additions, I want to make sure the relationship is great from the beginning!

[Familia]

It was Hitchhiker,s Guide to the Galaxy that my father read out loud to us all that long weekend. 

That was the title...now I remember!  Thanks for the reply, Years ago, when I read that post, it really gave me an example of family togetherness to shoot for since my family did not welcome others in until marriage, if then.  Just very private.  I'm not like that at all!

[Nan in Mass]

Thinking about this some more...

 

I have lots of treasured memories, both from when I was in college and from my children's friends. : )

 

Another thing to think about is pets. I did not grow up with a dog and although I loved my husband's family's dog, I was not very comfortable with her because I didn't speak dog and couldn't read her. Unlike their cat. : ) We,ve had similar issues with our children,s friends.

 

Bathroom doors were another issue. Because of the dog, the bathroom door was kept shut at my husband's house, and because the family was almost all boys, people weren,t always great about knocking before barging in. I grew up vacationing in circumstances without much privacy so it bothered them more than me when this happened, but you might want to think about a hook on the inside of the door.

 

If you have animals or toddlers, you might want to provide a safe place for their stuff, both for the safety of the stuff and the safety of the animals. People who didn,t grow up with younger siblings or animals aren,t as aware of safety and tend to do dumb things.

 

If there are younger siblings and the guest does something inappropriate, you can say something like, "We have to be careful that whatever we say is suitable for little ones." At any rate, having thought about how to approach this beforehand is a good idea. Ditto with doing things to the animals they don't like, or guest's that aren,t used to antiques or delicate plumbing. My husband still tells the story of reaching back when asked to get something off the sideboard at dinner and cracking the back of chair off.

 

Nan

[Nan in Mass]

Crossposting because this is important, I think...

 

Reg, I think our giant Thanksgiving was pretty intimidating to some of our guests. We do namecards at the table and put considerable thought into giving guests comfortable neighbors. We make sure they don,t have to walk in without escort, too.

 

I always appreciated it when my husband,s parents seconded invitations. This was usually done through my husband, but even so, having him say, "My mother invites you" made me much more comfortable. I do this with our guests and judging by the way my children ask if I will send word or issue invitations in person, I think this does make a difference.

 

From our experience with our own children, I second talking about which events are mandatory and which optional beforehand, and specifically telling children to discuss this with their friends. Saves embarrassment and disappointment for all people. This is really important.

 

Nan

[Familia]

From our experience with our own children, I second talking about which events are mandatory and which optional beforehand, and specifically telling children to discuss this with their friends. Saves embarrassment and disappointment for all people. This is really important.

 

Nan

 

Thank you!

[Nan in Mass]

Thank you!

You,re welcome. That is probably my most useful tip. : )

 

Nan

[FaithManor]

I have fond memories of those times. I brought a lot of friends home, both just friends who were stranded for long weekends and holidays being foreign students or long distance from home or whatever, and significant others. Since this usually meant a small car crammed with college students like sardines in a can, LOL, and more people than my folks had beds for, we just kind of camped out on the floor of the living room. My parents were a bit worried about how everyone else's parents would feel about sex so they often grabbed their camp air mattress and bunked down with us. Sometimes even my sister, 14 years younger camped out too. It was so much fun. My mom made cookies and all kinds of home cooked yummies that fed our souls since our college's food was barely better than warmed up Alpo, and we told stories, stories, stories. My dad would tell tales from his Air Force days, and well, he had some SERIOUS tales to tell, many of which ended up with us laughing because he was quite a scamp in his young years.

 

I think it was also a great way to introduce the person I was dating to my family. I was grateful that they were pretty open and welcoming. I had friends whose parents were super strict and not supportive, down right unfriendly, etc. My parents made a great impression on my friends and boyfriends. Good thing too....because in their old age they have got themselves into quite a disastrous mess, and there is my lovely long suffering husband whom they friended young standing by trying to help.

 

I think it is important to be make the effort, and it is a very good way to get to know the s/o. My sister brought a guy she was serious about home one summer for our family camp out. Boy am I glad she did. We got that boy out there camping and BAM his true personality came out. It wasn't pretty. My parents, dh  and myself, handled it with a lot of grace, no judgment, and due in part to us letting her handle him and figure out who he really was, the relationship soon ended.

 

I am definitely pro "open the doors to friends and s/o's".

[El...]

Just don't EVER include the boyfriend in the family photo (the rare, hard-to-get-everyone-together photo).  Hand him the camera and make him take the picture.  :hat:

[FaithManor]

Just don't EVER include the boyfriend in the family photo (the rare, hard-to-get-everyone-together photo).  Hand him the camera and make him take the picture.  :hat:

This is a good idea. I know that my parents didn't think about it, and then after I broke up with one long term boyfriend - a very good thing because he turned out to have some major character flaws - they had photos they were not keen on keeping. So ya, have the s/o take the photo is a great work around.

[Gwen in VA]

We have no pics from last Christmas due to the significant-other-in-the-pic thing. We had two significant others for the week. One relationship ended in a marriage, and the other broke up shortly after Christmas..... So we have 19 unbroken years of Christmas Eve pics, but the 20th year has an ex in it so we just discarded it.... Lesson learned. (We really thought there would be a proposal that week, but it goes to show that you never know.....)

 

Have plenty of games on hand.

 

Do some activities (like taking a walk or going for a movie) but don't be offended if no one wants to come! Just go yourself and enjoy the peace if everyone else has a different agenda!

 

Have plenty of food on hand.....

 

Do breakfast buffet-style so late sleepers don't feel bad.

 

Give everyone plenty of space (as much as possible!)

 

Accept help if people volunteer. They want to be included.

 

And ENJOY! (We currently have our son and new wife living with us for a month, so I've been thinking a lot about this!)

 

 

[Kassia]

Just don't EVER include the boyfriend in the family photo (the rare, hard-to-get-everyone-together photo).  Hand him the camera and make him take the picture.  :hat:

 

This is a tough one.  Two of my sons are in long-term relationships and I would feel awkward leaving their girlfriends out.  We have very few family pics without them from the past few years.  One I am pretty certain will end up marrying my son, the other I'm not as sure just because they are so young.

[El...]

This is a tough one.  Two of my sons are in long-term relationships and I would feel awkward leaving their girlfriends out.  We have very few family pics without them from the past few years.  One I am pretty certain will end up marrying my son, the other I'm not as sure just because they are so young.

Maybe you could take a special photo of each couple after the family shot is done.  Then it will be special for later.  It's just too bad when the year's photo, the year where everyone wasn't deployed and flew in for once, includes "what's-his-face".