I am starting a part time degree with three small children...advice please!

[regentrude]

Thanks everyone for the replies, and the acknowledgement that it's not an awful selfish thing to do to my family. Someone that PM'd me mentioned the fact that if I'd come on here asking for advice on my husband taking on part time study on top of his full time job I probably would have received very different comments. I have been pondering that since then.

 

Oh, most definitely. You'd get "Kudos to him for improving his education so he can provide better for your family, you should be so proud!"

I have seen more insistence on "traditional" gender roles on these boards than I have ever encountered in real life.

[MomatHWTK]

My comments were based on my own recent experiences.

First, I can't get serious work done when I am home alone with my 6 y.o. I can't have a thought that lasts more than 30 seconds without it being interrupted. I only work on small projects or preparatory steps when DH isn't home to help field the distractions. Two days a week with distractions for a full-time job would be tough, IMO.

 

Second, I recently worked for someone who has worked from home for several years. She thought she could keep up the same pace as always when her new baby was born. Instead, she has had to outsource parts of her work to several people because the baby has caught illnesses from the older kids and she's not able to work after holding him upright all night so he could sleep. This has happened to her twice in 6 months. So childhood illness are on my mind. 

 

If she were the only person who could do the work, she would have some very unhappy clients right now. As it is, every dollar she pays for someone else to work on a project is money out of her pocket.  

 

OP didn't say she would be furthering her education at night after DH finished work for the day. That is a completely different plan. Either DH or I could do that with only some inconvenience. Her plan hinges on her DH still being able to perform his work duties to either an employer's or client's satisfaction while at home and responsible for childcare. That scenario is totally different, regardless of gender. 

 

In my household, DH has the steady income and benefits. My issue in not based on gender but financial security. It is our money, not boy money or girl money. Given what I have learned about working from home, I wouldn't be willing to risk 40% of DH's work hours being rendered ineffective because he trying to work and care for a child at the same time.

 

And as I mentioned, in a year or so when the tables are turned, DH will be the one who takes the lead on childcare and teaching because it will be my income we don't want to risk. 

 

 

Edited July 27, 2016 by MomatHWTK

[wendyroo]

My comments were based on my own recent experiences.

First, I can't get serious work done when I am home alone with my 6 y.o. I can't have a thought that lasts more than 30 seconds without it being interrupted. I only work on small projects or preparatory steps when DH isn't home to help field the distractions. Two days a week with distractions for a full-time job would be tough, IMO.

 

...

 

OP didn't say she would be furthering her education at night after DH finished work for the day. That is a completely different plan. Either DH or I could do that with only some inconvenience. Her plan hinges on her DH still being able to perform his work duties to either an employer's or client's satisfaction while at home and responsible for childcare. That scenario is totally different, regardless of gender. As my associate who had to hire out her duties put it, "the client doesn't care." 

 

In my household, DH has the steady income and benefits. My issue in not based on gender but financial security. It is our money, not boy money or girl money. Given what I have learned about working from home, I wouldn't be willing to risk 20% of DH's work hours being rendered ineffective because he trying to work and care for a child at the same time.

 

These were my thoughts exactly.  My husband's employer pays him full times wages for full time work.  It would not be fair to his employer or DH to put him on childcare duty two days a week while he is supposed to be working.

 

I am all for continuing education, but IMO it cannot interfere with the primary breadwinner's working hours.

 

Wendy

[EmseB]

Oh, most definitely. You'd get "Kudos to him for improving his education so he can provide better for your family, you should be so proud!"

I have seen more insistence on "traditional" gender roles on these boards than I have ever encountered in real life.

I don't think it's traditional roles so much as it is a recognition that homeschooling and small children is a full time job and trying to do it and do school is hard. Many of us cannot imagine homeschooling and spending two full weekdays out of the house, just the same as for many full time jobs, taking two full days off during the work week isn't tenable.

 

I think adding a huge outside commitment on top of a full time job and family should always be done with caution, regardless of gender or role in the house. I think it can be done, but some things do have to give as a result. It sounds like the OP had plenty of scaffolding in place and a good plan.

[katilac]

My husband's employer pays him full times wages for full time work.  It would not be fair to his employer or DH to put him on childcare duty two days a week while he is supposed to be working.

 

I am all for continuing education, but IMO it cannot interfere with the primary breadwinner's working hours.

 

 

 

The OP said her dh is in project management, so I'm guessing that his job is similar to my dh's in the sense that it is not boxed in to standard working hours only - if he falls behind for whatever reason, including doing non-work stuff on a weekday, he can work in the evening or on the weekend. He does full-time work but it does not have to fit into 9 to 5, Monday through Friday.

 

Meetings and conference calls are generally scheduled ahead of time, but if one comes up suddenly, most working parents just make do. They ask grandma to babysit, or they bring the kid along with some coloring books, or whatever.  Even when I was in an office 20+ years ago, kids in the workplace were just not that unusual. Sometimes it was due to being called in unexpectedly, sometimes it was just because it was teacher record day at school.  

 

Lots of jobs are like this, and lots of 6-yr-olds are perfectly capable of keeping themselves occupied for fairly long stretches at a time so mom and/or dad can get some work done. I used to write part-time for the newspaper, and my kids were hauled along to many an interview from preschool onward. They had some fun experiences and met lots of interesting people. I get that working with some 6-yr-olds in tow would be impossible, but that simply isn't true for everyone. 

[razzles]

The OP said her dh is in project management, so I'm guessing that his job is similar to my dh's in the sense that it is not boxed in to standard working hours only - if he falls behind for whatever reason, including doing non-work stuff on a weekday, he can work in the evening or on the weekend. He does full-time work but it does not have to fit into 9 to 5, Monday through Friday.

 

Meetings and conference calls are generally scheduled ahead of time, but if one comes up suddenly, most working parents just make do. They ask grandma to babysit, or they bring the kid along with some coloring books, or whatever. Even when I was in an office 20+ years ago, kids in the workplace were just not that unusual. Sometimes it was due to being called in unexpectedly, sometimes it was just because it was teacher record day at school.

 

Lots of jobs are like this, and lots of 6-yr-olds are perfectly capable of keeping themselves occupied for fairly long stretches at a time so mom and/or dad can get some work done. I used to write part-time for the newspaper, and my kids were hauled along to many an interview from preschool onward. They had some fun experiences and met lots of interesting people. I get that working with some 6-yr-olds in tow would be impossible, but that simply isn't true for everyone.

Yes, exactly this. My husbands job is as you described, plus I think people missed the part where I said he'd have an hour and a half between me leaving with the younger kids and his first regular (online) meeting of the day.

 

If something came up with his work, not only do I have people as back ups, but I am also able to leave college, watch my lecture online, get my assignments and communicate with my tutor via the student portal. And my other younger two would still be at nursery.

 

There's lots of what ifs, but none of them make me think it's not worth even trying.

 

 

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[razzles]

And that hour and a half falls into non-work hours, just so that's clear. His day starts with an online call about that day and then he carries on from there.

 

His employers are also aware of the situation and are the ones to authorise his work from home on those two days so he can be there to supervise my daughter. So while I agree that it wouldn't make sense to risk the main breadwinners salary, that's not what is happening here.

 

 

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Edited July 27, 2016 by razzles

[MomatHWTK]

Ah, having backup and an agreeable employer makes a huge difference. DH and I just have each other. We have a few people we could call in an absolute emergency but that's it. 

[MomOfABunch]

You got a lot of really good advice already.

My btdt advice is hire out/delegate/beg for help as much housework and daily tasks as possible. Make flash cards for whatever you're studying and carry them with you to study when the opportunity presents: in line at the grocery store, walking with kids in the stroller, with kids at the playground, etc. Unconventional, maybe. But those extra minutes add up and really helped me! Record your study notes and listen while cooking, playing with kids, driving, etc.

Good luck!

[katilac]

  But those extra minutes add up and really helped me!  

 

Yep. 

 

I am forever campaigning on making use of small increments of time, because they do add up, and most people have more smaller increments of time as opposed to big chunks of time. 

 

This holds true for homeschooling and household stuff as well. Almost anything, I'm sure. 

[TranquilMind]

Possibly because small children are very time consuming and tertiary study is nastily expensive. 

 

It's fine for your relatives to be supportive, but if they won't be homeschooling your kids, doing your homework or paying your student loans if you have to drop subjects after the census date, their support is only pleasant words that could just as easily turn into bashing you for overcommitting or something equally unhelpful.

 

Many people around here are living life on the edge financially, emotionally and all the ways. It makes us cautious. We're not bashing you. We're just cautious.

This is the best post yet.

 

Yes, people are just warning you of the worst.  You already can see and imagine the best.    It is always good to see all sides of an issue. 

Maybe some of us just have far less energy than you do.  You know yourself, so you can edit out what doesn't apply.  In general, you are getting very good advice. 

[TranquilMind]

Oh, most definitely. You'd get "Kudos to him for improving his education so he can provide better for your family, you should be so proud!"

I have seen more insistence on "traditional" gender roles on these boards than I have ever encountered in real life.

 

I disagree.  A husbands job has an ending point, some moment where he leaves the office.  When he gets home, he is a full time on-the-clock father. 

 

A mother's job never stops, unless dad is on the job.  You can farm it out but you can't farm out parenting, only child care. 

[regentrude]

I disagree.  A husbands job has an ending point, some moment where he leaves the office.  When he gets home, he is a full time on-the-clock father. 

A mother's job never stops, unless dad is on the job.  

 

Neither DH's nor my job stop when we leave the office. We both have to find ways to juggle parenting and work. As do all my colleagues and friends. A couple can find ways to make things work - but, aside from nursing infants, there need not be any intrinsic difference between fathers and mothers.

[razzles]

So by your statement are you saying you think that any amount of childcare is not acceptable? If not, what is your definition of it being ok?

 

When I am at college my oldest is with her dad and my two youngest are at playschool or with a known relative. Yes, these are not parents, but neither are the leaders of the girl guides, swimming lessons or other activities my kids are involved in. Neither would they be if they were in a public school with a teacher.

 

Do you have a strict belief that public school is bad for all kids because their teacher is not their parent? Or does the benefit of education outweigh the relationship? If so, what about the benefits my kids receive from the play time at nursery and a mother that feels more balanced? Wouldn't that be worth some hours with someone that is not their parent?

 

Is it unacceptable to hire a babysitter so we can both go out to do something, just because this is not parenting, but "farming out childcare"? Where is the line?

 

How is it different if my husband took on a part time degree?

 

When I finish my college time away from the home, I come home and am full-time mum again, just as my husband is in dad mode when he finishes work.

 

I don't see how this is different for a mum or dad. Is this because I am already a stay at home parent and so I should stay one? Or is this because mums are inherently the one who never gets a break? If I have a husband that is equally involved with my kids when he is it home, should I still be the one whose "job never stops"?

 

Am I not allowed to stop a bit and go do something else that benefits me and my family in different ways?

 

You said you disagree but you stated something that is only true if I am at home full time (a mothers job never stops unless dad steps in). The way I read it, you actually back up what regenetrude said- that people here are more insistent on traditional roles. I'd like to know what you meant by your statement and why you assume my job never stops but my husbands does.

 

 

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Edited August 2, 2016 by razzles

[razzles]

I disagree. A husbands job has an ending point, some moment where he leaves the office. When he gets home, he is a full time on-the-clock father.

 

A mother's job never stops, unless dad is on the job. You can farm it out but you can't farm out parenting, only child care.

My previous post was aimed at this one.

 

 

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[razzles]

Double post

Edited August 2, 2016 by razzles

[TranquilMind]

So by your statement are you saying you think that any amount of childcare is not acceptable? If not, what is your definition of it being ok?

 

When I am at college my oldest is with her dad and my two youngest are at playschool or with a known relative. Yes, these are not parents, but neither are the leaders of the girl guides, swimming lessons or other activities my kids are involved in. Neither would they be if they were in a public school with a teacher.

 

Do you have a strict belief that public school is bad for all kids because their teacher is not their parent? Or does the benefit of education outweigh the relationship? If so, what about the benefits my kids receive from the play time at nursery and a mother that feels more balanced? Wouldn't that be worth some hours with someone that is not their parent?

 

Is it unacceptable to hire a babysitter so we can both go out to do something, just because this is not parenting, but "farming out childcare"? Where is the line?

 

How is it different if my husband took on a part time degree?

 

When I finish my college time away from the home, I come home and am full-time mum again, just as my husband is in dad mode when he finishes work.

 

I don't see how this is different for a mum or dad. Is this because I am already a stay at home parent and so I should stay one? Or is this because mums are inherently the one who never gets a break? If I have a husband that is equally involved with my kids when he is it home, should I still be the one whose "job never stops"?

 

Am I not allowed to stop a bit and go do something else that benefits me and my family in different ways?

 

You said you disagree but you stated something that is only true if I am at home full time (a mothers job never stops unless dad steps in). The way I read it, you actually back up what regenetrude said- that people here are more insistent on traditional roles. I'd like to know what you meant by your statement and why you assume my job never stops but my husbands does.

 

 

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I disagreed with this: regentrude: 

Oh, most definitely. You'd get "Kudos to him for improving his education so he can provide better for your family, you should be so proud!"

I have seen more insistence on "traditional" gender roles on these boards than I have ever encountered in real life.

 

This is not my experience at all.  I wasn't talking to you nor disagreeing with you, razzles.