EKS Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 He needs to pass his classes so that I don't have to pay for him to retake them. I'd prefer that his grades were better than merely passing, but I'll take what I can get. This next year we are paying for his on campus apartment and trips home, but he needs to earn half of the money for everything else. He is welcome to come home during the summer (obviously), but we have put certain behavior expectations in place after what happened last summer--it is our way of saying "If you want to be treated like an adult, you need to act like an adult--and this is what an adult acts like." Basically, he needs to get up at a reasonable time (which is defined), clean up after himself, help out around the house, and either be actively looking for/engaged in paid work. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 I probably differ from a lot of people on this, but we would not be opposed to dd getting married while going to college. It has its pros and cons but it isn't the end of the world like my mom thought it was going to be. Coming home during breaks wouldn't be a requirement, yes it would be nice, but a college student really is an adult and is trying to make their own life. I've known students who worked during the summer or took classes during the summer and I would expect that they would be starting to pay for their living expenses and transitioning to being financially independent from mom and dad. One thing I do want to add relates back to the thread of do you just hand the kid the money and say here it is yours...I hope to have dd fully involved in handling family money and her own money by the time she is in high school. We hope to have her start and run a small business to teach her the skills needed for a small business and to help with teaching her how to handle money as well. Yeah, I've known a lot of married students. Most weren't undergrads or if they were in their final year, but the issues that supposedly make it a bad idea were still the same, and they did fine. Sometimes better than fine, actually, they tended to have comparably stable personal and home lives, and a fair bit of focus. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 Look, I know that parents can be too controlling. I went to one small Christian college for a semester where there were so many students who told me that they were only there because their parents told them, "If you go to this school, we will pay. If you don't, you are on your own." It didn't do the school any favors to have kids there who really didn't want to be there. Many of them were rather rebellious about it. I don't want that either. I have said to my kids again and again that a college degree is for their future benefit. If they don't want that, well, I'll be disappointed, but I'm not sending any kid to college to make myself look good. One of my nephews fought tooth and nail because he didn't want to go to college. His parents unwisely tried to controll, reward/punish him into going. He failed. They did, fortunately, not continue to throw good money after bad and consulted with him on how he would eatn a living. (This is what IMo they should have done from the outset.) They ultimately spent his remaining would-be college funds buying equipment which he used for his own business. By casual observation, he does reasonably well in this business. I would not be a big fan if my kid did not want to go to college at all, but I would not "make" them go, only to waste several thousands of dollars. College is for their benefit. If they don't want to partake of the benefit, that is on them...my only stipulation would be they can't loaf unemployed for a decade instead. They would have to come up with *some* kind of plan, like my nephew did. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted June 17, 2016 Author Share Posted June 17, 2016 Well, this might be where we part company a little bit because to me, the story is just a parable. It's not an instruction manual. There are illustrative lessons in it, but it's not an example of exactly what to do. I do beleive that if my grown child is determined to go, then yes, I am letting them go. But I'm not financing their exit. If my child rejects the family and our benevolence, I would be very sad about it, but I'm not going to try to force an adult to act like they are part of the team. All right, I see what you mean. But it was an inheritance. The kid was getting it anyway when dad died. He just wanted it earlier. What does the bolded mean? What does rejecting the family mean? If they want to - do what - you will not finance it? I'm still a little unclear on that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted June 17, 2016 Author Share Posted June 17, 2016 The story of the Prodigal Son is not a story with the purpose of luminating some parenting Truth. It is an allegory of our relationship with the Lord. Best not to try to apply its lesson in wrongful ways. That is certainly the obvious meaning. I always find many layers in scripture, especially when I study for awhile. YMMV. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 (edited) The 'inheritance that he was getting anyways' would have been understood as one full third of the entire net worth of the father and all his dependants. Wanting it earlier, and in cash, would have required the rushed sale of one third of the property and goods that they all lived on (land, buildings, livestock, servants, valuables, household objects) and watching it walk out the door in the hands of a young man who had washed his hands of them. And welcoming him back as a son-and-heir (which the story-father did) would have legally entitled him again to a full third of the deminished two-thirds-worth of the family's net worth. It turned the older son from sole heir of the remainder into co-heirs again with a brother who already has his share. And nothing would stop the prodigal from *again* demanding his third in advance. This is not the equivalent of wanting college funding in a lump sum. It's the equivalent of agreeing to sell your house to give a child the full value of their bedroom. Edited June 17, 2016 by bolt. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted June 17, 2016 Author Share Posted June 17, 2016 It sounds like you are trying to see in what ways the parable of the prodigal son connects to college-age parent-child relationships. To make those connections you seem to be reading the behaviour of the prodigal's father as "an example that people should follow" in their everyday human relationships. Is that why you keep proposing scenarios where the student 'demands' money from the parents, and hinting that some parents might respond to that demand by handing it over? Because that seems similar to the behaviour of the prodigal's father to you? I am not saying definitively that it is an example to follow. There does seem to be a lesson in letting go, instead of continuing strife or even continuing to try to talk sense into someone, which I can only imagine happened. I am wondering what I am seeing there, and what the outcome would be. I can imagine that varies according to child. Some will sink, some will swim. And then the son at home wasn't ok either! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 I would not be a big fan if my kid did not want to go to college at all, but I would not "make" them go, only to waste several thousands of dollars. College is for their benefit. If they don't want to partake of the benefit, that is on them...my only stipulation would be they can't loaf unemployed for a decade instead. They would have to come up with *some* kind of plan, like my nephew did. For my non-disabled children, the expectation is that after high school they will attend college or vocational training, enlist in the military, or do a formal community service program like Americorps. Even if they want to start a business, there are classes/training they can do that would make it more likely for them to succeed in their goal. My special needs child is too young to know yet what she might be capable of handling after she ages out of the PS system at 22. Hopefully she will also be able to do college or vocational training but it will take a LOT of intervention between now and then. One day at a time for her. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 All right, I see what you mean. But it was an inheritance. The kid was getting it anyway when dad died. He just wanted it earlier. What does the bolded mean? What does rejecting the family mean? If they want to - do what - you will not finance it? I'm still a little unclear on that. For me, it means rejecting the family, i.e., "I hate living here, Mom. You suck as a mom. You never buy Mountain Dew, even though I've told you it's my favorite drink. You make me buy gas for the car that you claim is YOUR car, just because I used it to go shopping with my friends. I'm moving out with Tyler and Madison. We can live in an apartment and I'll buy Mountain Dew whenever I want. And, by the way, I want all the money in my college fund because that money is mine anyway." If my kid did this, I would say, "You are free to move out. You are a legal adult and, though it makes me very sad, if you don't want to partake of the family benevolence, go. But I am not giving you the college money. It is only yours if I choose to give it to you and I don't choose to give it to you. You are not being a friend to the family and my obligation to provide for you ended when you turned 18. And, by the way, you can turn over your phone, too, and don't drive the Taurus because I am canceling the insurance today. You are no longer free to use the car because, as you rightly just pointed out, it is mine. Use the phone for one last call - the one where you call Tyler to come pick you up because you have rejected your family home. You're welcome back if you come to your senses." TM, I don't have a list written down that covers all possible scenarios, and I have been a parent long enough to know it doesn't help even if I did. Lots of bridges can only be crossed when you come to them and there's no point exhausting energy trying to solve problems I don't have, or don't have yet. It is enough to manage the problems I *Do* have. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sdel Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 What does rejecting the family mean? If they want to - do what - you will not finance it? I'm still a little unclear on that. My DH has one kid that has rejected the family. He had the nerve to tell us that we owed it to him to make him a 'kept' college student (as in we fork over cash for all of his needs and whims in addition to paying the school) but he couldn't be expected to maintain a basic family relationship with us because we were just too abusive and controlling. Any contact is met with venom or an air of 'I'll make you do what I want you to do." That defines rejecting family to me, a nasty and punitive reaction to family expectations. In some ways is is about not fighting with them and just letting them go and learn the hard way. And of course you don't pay for it just because they want it. If even a simple Happy Birthday text to your child came back with the response of F- you, would you be giving that child a b-day gift? Paying for that child's car? Their clothes? The 10 day cruise to Hawaii they want to take over spring break with their college buds just because they want it? Would you think very highly of someone else who did? Stefanie 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted June 18, 2016 Author Share Posted June 18, 2016 TM, I don't have a list written down that covers all possible scenarios, and I have been a parent long enough to know it doesn't help even if I did. Lots of bridges can only be crossed when you come to them and there's no point exhausting energy trying to solve problems I don't have, or don't have yet. It is enough to manage the problems I *Do* have. True enough. Whatever you thought, it will be something else. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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