Comfort level in posting TMI -- throw me a bone

[OhanaBee]

It's been a bad two years.  I've been told to "put things in perspective".  Ok.  But it's still bad for ME, perspective or not.  I have three friends who know most of what's going on - only one who knows all of it.  She's going through similar things in her life, unfortunately.  One friend who means well, but hasn't been through this and keeps offering suggestions of things I/we could do.  As if we've never considered all the options before??

 

For me, writing it all out helps a lot.  I'm able to see patterns and think through actions. 

 

I remind myself that in 5 years, these current problems will have changed.  Maybe for the better, maybe for the worst.....but they won't be the same as they are right now.  They probably won't even be the same a year from now!  I know that sounds fatalistic, but it's comforting to me. :blush:

[Catalytic]

It's been a bad two years.  I've been told to "put things in perspective".  Ok.  But it's still bad for ME, perspective or not.  I have three friends who know most of what's going on - only one who knows all of it.  She's going through similar things in her life, unfortunately.  One friend who means well, but hasn't been through this and keeps offering suggestions of things I/we could do.  As if we've never considered all the options before??

 

For me, writing it all out helps a lot.  I'm able to see patterns and think through actions. 

 

I remind myself that in 5 years, these current problems will have changed.  Maybe for the better, maybe for the worst.....but they won't be the same as they are right now.  They probably won't even be the same a year from now!  I know that sounds fatalistic, but it's comforting to me. :blush:

 

 

Obviously not knowing the situation, and not knowing your friends, I'm probably wrong, but...  (And really I'm just bouncing off what you said, it's not directed at you personally)

 

It's sometimes hard to know the right thing to say/do when you don't have experience with what someone is going through.  It leaves you with the option of either saying something possibly inane (suggestions they have probably already tried) or saying nothing at all.  It's a double edged sword, and almost leaves friends in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.  And, to be fair, sometimes when we're "in the moment" of whatever struggle, we can't/don't/won't think of all the options, and it can be helpful for someone else with a different perspective to offer suggestions.

 

An example I can give, a while back, my DH and I attended a dinner with his co-worker and spouse.  She was obviously pregnant, but I *never* ask/mention pregnancies until they're brought up.  The baby came up during table talk, they were finally well into the second trimester, after many losses.  (They had no children)  We discussed carseats, parenting, diapers, generally all kinds of things related to babies and children.

 

A few weeks later, DH told me they had lost the baby.  He did something for them (flowers or a card or something I can't recall).  A month or so after their loss, we were at another dinner or something with them, and DH quickly leaned down and told me that his friend had told him she wasn't taking it well, not to mention the baby or say I'm sorry.  I told him we'd see how it went.  I spoke with her throughout the evening, along with several others, never heard the baby mentioned.  It bothered me though, to pretend her child hadn't existed.  Much later in the evening, we ended up in the restroom together, and I just couldn't stand it.  I had to tell her I was sorry for her loss and that I was thinking of her.  Poor lady broke down in tears and thanked me for remembering.  She said no one had said a thing to her about the baby all night, and she felt like they'd just forgotten.  It was hurting her MORE to NOT say anything, than it would have to said something and been a reminder.  It was a bad situation, and thankfully I made the right choice, but there have been many times I didn't and said the wrong thing.  (I did have miscarriage experience, no one ever really mentioned that baby again after the loss, and then I got pregnant with DS6 right away, so it's almost like that baby never existed...but I love it anyway and I still grieved for it.)

[creekland]

It's sometimes hard to know the right thing to say/do when you don't have experience with what someone is going through.  

 

:iagree:  but I'll add that even when one has BTDT they don't always know the right things to say, because we're all human and have our own ways of reacting.  Those ways often differ.  What's right for one person could be dead wrong for another.

 

Long ago I gave up any expectations of what to hear (or not).  That helped tremendously.  Short of anyone telling me my issues are due to a lack of enough faith (or correct faith or similar), it's pretty darn tough to offend me at this point.  My IRL friends (kind of wide circle vs inner circle) know this ('cause I told them) and several thanked me because they felt uncomfortable not knowing what to say.  It put them at ease and allows them to show their "care" without worrying.

 

It helped me to realize they all mean well and the different forms are still caring.  It's just a bit like Love Languages in how we're all different.

[heartlikealion]

Yeah, it's hard to know how to handle certain interactions. I don't know how to talk to people sometimes. I'm socially awkward. I saw an acquaintance at church the other day. She was clearly pregnant but I dare not say anything first. I just asked how she was and she didn't say a word about the baby bump. Then I asked if her child (that was standing by her) was going to attend the Bible study thing for kids this summer. I honestly forgot her age and was just trying to make conversation. Then I felt like I put my foot in my mouth because they said even if she was old enough they'd wait. She has special needs, but I wasn't looking at the kids' Bible study thing as more than some fun crafts or something for the youngest crowd so I wasn't even thinking along the lines of this might be difficult for her. We have never participated and I told them that. I worried that they thought I was oblivious (which I guess I was in a way) and insensitive. People like me should probably just stay quiet.

[OhanaBee]

Obviously not knowing the situation, and not knowing your friends, I'm probably wrong, but...  (And really I'm just bouncing off what you said, it's not directed at you personally)

 

It's sometimes hard to know the right thing to say/do when you don't have experience with what someone is going through.  It leaves you with the option of either saying something possibly inane (suggestions they have probably already tried) or saying nothing at all.  It's a double edged sword, and almost leaves friends in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.  And, to be fair, sometimes when we're "in the moment" of whatever struggle, we can't/don't/won't think of all the options, and it can be helpful for someone else with a different perspective to offer suggestions.

 

No, you're absolutely right.

 

I've venting a bit here in cyberspace, because I know how much she really does want to help, irl.  It's just that, in this particular situation, her suggestions are starting to cause some hurt.  I've been thinking for a while that I need to talk about this with her.....but I know then that she'll be mortified at the thought that her helpfulness caused pain, and *I* don't want to cause that! 

 

However, this is one area of my life that I have some control over and I know that the best thing to do is just pull up my big girl pants and speak frankly to her.  Things will be better in the long run.

[G5052]

Much later in the evening, we ended up in the restroom together, and I just couldn't stand it.  I had to tell her I was sorry for her loss and that I was thinking of her.  Poor lady broke down in tears and thanked me for remembering.  She said no one had said a thing to her about the baby all night, and she felt like they'd just forgotten.  It was hurting her MORE to NOT say anything, than it would have to said something and been a reminder.  It was a bad situation, and thankfully I made the right choice, but there have been many times I didn't and said the wrong thing.  (I did have miscarriage experience, no one ever really mentioned that baby again after the loss, and then I got pregnant with DS6 right away, so it's almost like that baby never existed...but I love it anyway and I still grieved for it.)

 

Your instincts were so right on her!

 

I have one friend at church who consistently "gets it."  She'll hug me and tell me that she feels bad for our struggles and that she's praying for us. I've seen tears in her eyes. No judgment, no "let me tell you how to fix it." I'm always sad when she's not there.

 

It's an important lesson for us all.

[G5052]

It's been a bad two years.  I've been told to "put things in perspective".  Ok.  But it's still bad for ME, perspective or not.  I have three friends who know most of what's going on - only one who knows all of it.  She's going through similar things in her life, unfortunately.  One friend who means well, but hasn't been through this and keeps offering suggestions of things I/we could do.  As if we've never considered all the options before??

 

For me, writing it all out helps a lot.  I'm able to see patterns and think through actions. 

 

I remind myself that in 5 years, these current problems will have changed.  Maybe for the better, maybe for the worst.....but they won't be the same as they are right now.  They probably won't even be the same a year from now!  I know that sounds fatalistic, but it's comforting to me. :blush:

 

Yes, writing it out helps a lot. I've kept a journal during bad periods. I usually end up deleting it later, but it helps me make sense of things. That and therapy, but I realize that may not be an option and that it's tough to find a good one.

 

I prefer "accepting" versus fatalistic. The reality is that very, very little is on our control. Sometimes things go down and ugly without anything you can do. Maybe there will be a little flash of light, or maybe not.

 

There's a significant legal/financial issue with my sibling that has been going since our mother's death. My mother was a narcissist and my sibling was the coddled, favored "golden child." Several years ago I decided to just close the door and move on. I dismissed my lawyers, which was actually their advice anyway. Nothing more to do in court. I call my sibling twice a year and expect zero. 

 

There was a "flare" in the fall with a small bit of resolution that thankfully was initiated and driven by a family friend who is completely aware of the situation in a professional capacity related to the case. In the process, he advised me to monitor the case online. "Enough said," was his comment.

 

Well, I finally got around to looking, and indeed my sibling had to go before a judge on a "show cause order," and it's reopened.

 

Did they call me? Nope. Am I more optimistic that the case will settle? Nope. Should I hire a lawyer again? Nope, it's still not in my hands. At this point my sibling has a new lawyer and it's between them and the judge.

 

But a flash of light. I'll take it.