A Mother's Reckoning

[gardenmom5]

Amen.

 

How old are your kids, Katy?

 

The most compliant are sometimes the most difficult teens. If your parenting is "working" so far, all that means is that you have kids who are sisceptible to instruction.

 

Of course I can see that in my own kids as well.

 

The gentlest, kindest, "easiest" is now gentle, kind and easy for others to influence. It's so hard.

 

Of course, you might have compliant kids all the way through. I hope your plan works.

 

Mine hasn't worked at all so far. Nothing had the expected results. Oh well. At least I have compassion even if it cannot be expected from others. I feel awful for those who face misfortune. They have their misfortune and shame and the heaped on top of it, the blame of a culture.

 

I have four adults - who are all at some point of on their own/in-college and making progress towards being independent.  teens can become really quiet, no matter how good the relationship was when they were children - it's just part of the age.  then add in hormones . . . [:thunk:]  It can be very hard to always be aware of what little communication they give up.  because in the meantime - life is happening.  bills need to be paid, meals need to be made, laundry needs to be done, etc.

 

  I had one who went out of their way to NOT show reactions - to anything.  the smallest quirk at the corner of their mouth was akin to a loud guffaw/roflol by most people.  I think of one experience with one child I'm so glad I was paying attention, I feel like the entire relationship took a giant leap forward.  and how different that child's life could have been.  (they've also spoken about how easily they could have made some catastrophically bad choices.)  but . . it could have been *so easily* missed.  I'm humbled I didn't miss it and give thanks to God I didn't just let it pass.  because - it would have been so easy.

I think when something this big touches close to home, some people need to judge a bit harshly ... because it's so terrifying to think of it happening to you (instead). I guess I see it as a type of coping mechanism and there's unfortunately some comfort in separating ourselves in this way. :grouphug:

 

I don't remember much about this incident, and didn't follow it in the news at the time. It sounds tragic all around.

 

it is a coping mechanism that is based upon a lie. (and a sanctimonious one at that.)  giving into it is to give into a delusion - a delusion that leads to a willful blindness.  (after all, if they think nothing bad will happen to them - they won't be paying as close attention to thing to which they *should* be paying attention!)  by engaging in harsh judging - they are cutting off potential avenues of support for when the time comes they may need actual support.

any so-called "comfort" --- is a lie.

Edited June 6, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Tita Gidge]

it is a coping mechanism that is based upon a lie. (and a sanctimonious one at that.)  giving into it is to give into a delusion - a delusion that leads to a willful blindness.  (after all, if they think nothing bad will happen to them - they won't be paying as close attention to thing to which they *should* be paying attention!)  by engaging in harsh judging - they are cutting off potential avenues of support for when the time comes they may need actual support.

any so-called "comfort" --- is a lie.

 

I agree completely, especially to your point of willful blindness.

 

Maybe we can also agree to the unfortunate reality that 'coping' isn't always neat and tidy a process. And that unrecognized fear is a very real validator in the things we believe, convince ourselves of, and say.

 

If not, might we at least agree that given a tragic situation, the tragedy itself should take center stage? And that however sanctimonious or delusional a person is, when faced with a tragic situation it's cruel to cut her off from potential avenues of support ... however seemingly deserving? Or that it's paradoxical to harshly judge him - through our words or (in)action - for his harshly judging another?

 

These are rhetorical questions. I don't know the specifics of this event, the book writing mom, or the mom trying to cope with her own kid's mental illness. I do know what it's like to have imperfect and evolving coping skills, to have lost a loved one in a tragedy, to have judged harshly and to have been judged harshly. I'm sure some or all of these things are true to most of us.

 

I have to believe in the general good of people because I'm two hairs shy of running off to be a hermit. This is why I don't follow the news or politics LOL. It won't take much convincing for me to run towards the nearest cave!