How to help elderly inlaw with paranoid behavior?

[KayT]

My MIL is 80 yrs old and just retired from her and FIL's business 6 months ago. She is still very active and in fair shape..probably excellent shape for her age. About 5 yrs ago she started acting paranoid about other people. A car would drive by too slow or stop in front of the business or her house and well they were spying on her, it was the city, or someone to rob the place. About 3 years ago it got really bad with the neighbors, they were digging holes in her yard, cutting her trees down, digging under the foundation and thats why she had a leak in the bathroom, spying on her, jealous of her, stealing her husband etc. She hears noises at night she says it's the neighbor hitting the house, digging, etc.... Twice within the last year in the middle of the night she opened the back door and yelled telling them to go away and let her sleep.

 

FIL bought another house in the country 3 months ago thinking moving away from people would help her get better, no neighbors, nothing, and it seemed to help although she continued to rant about her old neighbors. Well it has started again. FIL and sons say that MIL has a problem but no one is doing anything to try to get her some help. She is also not sleeping well at night, usually waking at 2 or 3 in the morning and then having to take a nap during the day. Once again she is paranoid about the car that stopped on the side of the road it's the city looking to take part of her property to widen the road, someone is throwing rocks at night ( only 2, I don't know why 2?), someone is putting water in her yard, someone is cutting the trees on the fence line...just crazy stuff.

 

It's driving me crazy. When we go and visit, DH and FIl go outside and talk the entire time and leave me in the house to listen to her ranting...it is to the point that I won't go very often. I try to change the subject and that usually works for a little while.

 

If I was going to play arm chair pyschologist I think this came from her being robbed at her business and then being in a bad accident that wasn't their fault about 6-7 years ago. It's just getting worse and worse. If you approach her about it she gets mad and says I know you think I'm crazy but I not!

 

How do I get her some help...I mean it's not like she's unable to function and make decisions and run a house and all that, but this is a real problem that just seems to be getting worse. And to make matters worse, these people rarely go to the doc's to begin with.

 

WHAT DO I DO??? ( Sorry so long!)

[dawn of ns]

It really sounds like lik a mental health issue or even more...Isn't paranoia an early warning sign for Alzheimers? I don't think it's up to you to discuss this with your MIL but maybe it's time for a serious sit-down with your DH and FIL. It needs to be looked at, especially since it's someone relatively new and not in keeping with her personality for most of her life.

[Mrs Mungo]

Paranoia, illusions and irrational behavior can be signs of alzheimer's. Has anyone discussed this with a doctor?

[G5052]

For a lot of reasons sometimes blood flow is disrupted in an elderly person's brain and you'll see what seem like psychological problems when it's truly a medical problem. This can happen with early Ahlzeimer's disease, small-vessel disease of the brain, strokes, etc. If that's what it is, only medical measures will help. She needs a full neurological work-up.

 

Now the reality is that folks with this type of problem really can't grasp how bad they are, and if there's extreme paranoia, you won't be able to get them to the doctor without some excuse. If someone knows her doctor or can writer her doctor with the concerns you have, sometimes they'll call the person in for an appointment on some pretense and get the ball rolling. With medical privacy laws, this is hard to get done if the patient refuses.

 

My mother was exhibiting some of the behavior you describe, plus driving down the road the wrong way way, running off the road, getting lost in town, etc. etc. Finally I contacted DMV about her driving to force her in for a medical exam and road test. Bottom line is that she has small vessel disease and vascular dementia and will never drive again legally. Now she can no longer cook and she and my dad really should be in a supervised situation, but they aren't and we're just waiting for the crises that will bring that about.

 

Hard situation, but you're doing the right thing in saying that she's not right.

[Cricket]

Can all of the children get together with FIL to discuss it? I wish I could help. We are managers of an RV park and we are dealing with that same thing with one of our tenants. She stopped us as we left Sunday morning for church telling us that the police were in the park last night with two K-9 dogs. A man had run into the park and hid under her trailer. Then he ran under our station wagon where the police finally got him. My husband and I couldn't believe we had slept through all that. After we left I told my dh that I was going to call the police station and find out if they had a record of anything happening that night. She has told us before that someone was throwing poison on her flowers and the former manager was messing around with her trailer at night. I realized that everything she was telling us was always happening at 1 or 2 in the morning. The operator at the police station said that there were no police in our park that night. I'm not sure how to handle it either.

 

Her dead husband was a police officer for many years so I think that is why all her stories have to do with policemen and criminals. I was thinking of mentioning it to her daughter when she comes in the pay the rent next time. Her kids have power of attorney over all her assets. They probably know already. Like your MIL she seems very capable of taking care of herself, just has some strange ideas! I was also thinking of asking my psychiatrist uncle for some advice. I think he deals mostly with geriatric patients. I don't think it would do any good to tell her that I called the police station and what she says happened never did.

[3lilreds in NC]

My first, rather flippant thought was to tell you to have someone start sneaking meds into her coffee, like Wilson did to House. :) I know this is not funny though, and don't mean to make light of a difficult situation.

 

It's so hard when it's an inlaw, not your own parent. I know my aunt would take my grandma, her MIL, in a heartbeat because they are very close. On the other hand, my mother in law would probably resort to physical violence if I tried to take her to a doctor for anything. So, you want to evaluate your relationship with your inlaws and see if you can do anything, or if it needs to be up to your dh.

 

I think what I'd do is, start researching. Show them that this can be signs of Alzheimer's. Does she have a family doc she trusts? Encourage your dh to make an appointment for her and take her to it if necessary - minimally offer to meet both his parents at the office for the appointment. If your FIL agrees to get her some medical attention, it would be really good if one of her children could also be involved, because it's a lot for a spouse to take. Having another person there to hear what the doctor says can be comforting and can help clear up confusion later.

 

I'm sorry, KayT, this is really hard. I hope that your dh and his brothers are open to getting her some help.

[GraceinMD]

I mean it's not like she's unable to function and make decisions and run a house and all that, but this is a real problem that just seems to be getting worse. And to make matters worse, these people rarely go to the doc's to begin with.

 

WHAT DO I DO???

 

I don't think it would do any good to tell her that I called the police station and what she says happened never did.

 

Kay, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You've gotten good advice from other posters. Specifically, she needs to see a doctor - preferably a family physician or internist with geriatrics experience - for a full medical work-up. There are MANY conditions that could cause paranoid behavior like you're describing - anything from dementias to endocrine problems (e.g. parathyroid disturbances) to metabolic problems (e.g., low sodium) to infections (e.g., chronic UTIs) to .... You get the point - it could be "mental" but it doesn't have to be - and treatment will completely depend on what is found. If she says, "I'm not crazy!" as a reason for not wanting to see a doctor, you can (lightly) say, "Well, of course you're not - that's why we aren't suggesting you see a psychiatrist! We know you're not crazy - but you do seem to be having trouble sleeping [or trouble with your bowels, or trouble with that cough --- whatever would get her in to an appointment] and we'd really love for you to see the doctor about it."

 

For you, I would strongly emphasize what Cricket said: it probably won't do her any good to tell her that XYZ did not happen. You will not be able to convince her, and it will just agitate her more to have her very own family not believe her. Instead, just go with it, as though it were true: "MIL, that sounds really scary! What did you do?" or "Did you see the license tag number?" or "You must be tired after dealing with THAT all night," or phrases like that to show concern (for an 'event' that is obviously concerning HER). Obviously, you're not going to call the police with a report, or contact the bank, or whatever (iow, you're not going to ACT on her paranoia), but you're going to be supportive of HER. (Even if it drives you crazy, eh?! :auto:)

 

HTH

[KayT]

Thanks everyone. You guys are great. Most of what everyone mentioned, especially Alzheimer's never even entered my mind.

Everyone has "talked" about it, and decided there is a problem but no one ever does anything about it. That is what makes me nuts...doing nothing. This has been going on for at least a year...talking and not doing.

 

Well, I guess the main thing is to get her to a doctor. DH is just going to have to step up and stop saying yeah I know, and get something rolling.

 

Thanks again!