Question for those who do non-punitive parenting

[musicianmom]

If you do not believe in first-time obedience, or punishment, or manipulating (I mean that in a neutral way) your kids into complying, how in the world do you draw healthy boundaries with strong-willed kids? As in, not letting one child bully their siblings or even the adults in the home. As in telling the child, "No, I have to use the bathroom now. You will not come in the bathroom with me" without having to physically remove the 50-pound 6-year-old who is obviously going for a PhD in advanced toddlerhood with a concentration in Jellylegs. As in teaching the child to accept "No more Cheerios today" without the child screaming bloody murder in response. Or getting the child to quit beating on her sister's door because sister desperately needs some away-from-littles time to calm down and deal with her own issues.

 

What does it look like to teach this child how to behave respectfully toward the other members of the family? As far as I can tell, she is neurotypical. She has been homeschooled for kindergarten, disastrously I might add, but she spent pre-K in a very good preschool where she behaved perfectly and got rave reports from her teachers all year.

[albeto.]

When we went through behavior therapy (ABA), we kept data on inappropriate behavior. It was done in three parts:

 

A.) Antecedent

B.) Behavior

C.) Consequence.

 

I don't suggest copious notes of course, but I would suggest keeping an eye out for this ABC. Writing in a journal or notebooks helps you maintain accuracy and objectivity, especially over a couple days or weeks.

 

Antecedent refers to the environment and events directly preceding the behavior. This include only observational things, so no assumptions ("sister shut the door" not "she was angry" - you can observe a door shutting, you can observe facial expression that indicates anger, but you can't observe "anger").

 

Behavior refers to the specific behavior, as it looked ("pounded on door" as opposed to "got upset").

 

Consequences refer to what happens as a consequence. This is a neutral observation. It isn't meant to design "good" consequences, but only record the observable consequence to the unwanted behavior.

 

You will likely see a pattern. In the two examples you gave, I would immediately think about a pattern of being alone, or not being included, triggers your child's inappropriate behavior. The consequence might be threats about future treats, ignoring her, or snapping out of frustration. Whatever it is, her little brain will apply this to the pattern it's making about how the world works, how humans work. This may not be an accurate assumption, but I'll go with it just for the sake of explaining.

 

Also, I would encourage you to not think about behavior as "good" or 'bad," but as "effective" or "ineffective," and subsequently, as "socially appropriate" or "not socially appropriate." Her banging on the bathroom door was effective in that the effect was a short duration in the bathroom. It was not socially appropriate as in our society, banging on the door is something we'd expect of a 2 year old, not 6.

 

If you recognize behavior as communication, you can start to look at it in terms of its function. What is the function of this behavior? What is she trying to communicate? 

 

When you know that, you can do two things.

 

1. Ignore the inappropriate behavior.

2. Give her an effective, socially appropriate alternative and help her to see the positive consequences of using your alternative behavior.

 

For example, you might let her know you'll be going to the bathroom in the next couple minutes. Ask her if there's anything she'd like before, let her know you'll be busy but she can attend to XYZ in the mean time. Then when you come out, comment on how nice it is to see her playing/reading/dancing independently like such a young lady. When her sister shuts the door and your dd is upset, ask her what she wants. Help her see that what she wants isn't a possibility right now. Help her brainstorm of alternative things to do. Validate her feelings if she's upset, but help her empower herself by helping her not be beholden to others for her emotional well-being. 

 

For a more systematic approach, you can have an "if / then" chart somewhere convenient in the house. We kept one on the fridge. "IF inside voice, THEN xyz." We ended up stopping this because it became a tool for my son to use (If you give me what I want, then I won't xyz :glare:). I suspect for most kids it is a good reminder of habits they're working on. We often reward ourselves for new habits, and there's nothing wrong with taking pride in working hard and accomplishing a goal, in my opinion. Eventually the new behavior becomes habit, and the reminder on the fridge is forgotten. 

[ELaurie]

Since it is late, late, late here and I am off to bed, I will refer you to the links in my signature line :001_smile: You'll find lots of great info at Celebrate Calm - they have podcasts, webcasts, blogs, an informative and encouraging email list, CDs, and an active page on Facebook.

 

All the best to you and your dc.

 

(Searching for the smiley with the litte zzz . . .  above it )

[EndOfOrdinary]

It is not that we have no rules, but more I completely want my son to understand them. If he is in some way breaking a rule, I would like to know why and be sure he really understands why the rule is in place. I do not want him to merely obey, I want him to choose to be an intrinsically good person. He is nine. He is going to think the entire universe evolves around him for a while yet. It is totally age appropriate and, honestly, a good deal of my universe will revolve around him for quite a bit yet. So my job as the adult is not to punish with fear or demand authority, but to try and show him how to see the world through another person's eyes while still conveying his emotions. The best way I have found to do that is to be very simple in what I am asking and to directly think the best of him instead of passing judgement.

 

There are only about six household rules: 1) with freedom comes responsibility, 2) be respectful to all people at all times no matter what, 3) work hard knowing that every family member has unique contributions which make our household run, 4) mistakes are going to happen but it is how we respond to those mistakes that make us who we are, 5) trust that we all love each other in our own ways even if sometimes we do not understand one another, 6) talk to one another so we can help each other. Moreover, everyone has to follow them. My son calls me out on rules as much as I do with him. That is the most important part - we all make mistakes, talk to me so we can help each other, be respectful to all people at all times. You cannot create a safe place if anyone has a feeling of authority. If you are not totally cool with being open, your kids won't be either.

 

If I respect him, he will respect me. I honestly believe life is that simple. As he has gotten older, we have added the phrase "this is bigger than you" so that he does not directly create social issues. His world is expanding and many social norms are not common knowledge yet. That phrase means, "Right now my behavior seems illogical, but please trust me. I promise I will explain later at a more appropriate time and we can talk about it."

 

Very little of what you described above would I call naughty. I would outright call it disrespectful. Being disrespectful to other members of the household or creating a place where they feel unsafe would not be tolerated. I try to explain in very explicit terms what happens with disrespect.

 

"Loving someone means you care about them and respect who they are. You listen to them and care about how they feel. You are not showing me respect right now. You are not showing me that you love me. That hurts. I do not think of you as someone who does not love me. Is something wrong that I should know about?"

 

If it is happening to another family member, "This is a household where everyone is allowed to feel respected and safe to be themselves. You are not listening to _______'s feelings. That is very hurtful and is not showing him/her kindness. I need you to respect and listen to what __________ has to say. You can cry/pound/fuss/holler/whatever in your own space all you would like, but not out here in the family space. Out here we are a family that loves and respects one another and that is not respectful, loving behavior."

 

This was often enough with my son to open communication. I required him to begin talking about his feelings from the age of two on. Simple things, of course. If he fell on the playground and was crying the first question after initial comfort was are you scared or do you hurt? Is it scared? Do you hurt? It only required him to nod while still crying in my lap, but it was naming the emotions. If you have not done much with naming emotions, tantrums can be created later due to kids not able to express themselves. Can he tell you why he is upset? It is obvious that the behavior seems to be stemming from felling less-than in some way.

 

Encourage other family members to be specific about naming the ways his actions make them feel. Be sure to describe the offending action, not to say the actual child makes you feel badly. Be sure to deliberately catch the child doing something correctly, as many times as possible. Do not reward it, just praise it. It is important that the child not feel like they are wrong or bad; separate the behavior from the child so they feel they have a choice to be good.

 

Honestly, he his behavior seems like the underlying issue would be him not feeling heard or his thoughts not being considered. I am not saying that is happening, but more he is six so you have to filter everything though a six year old brain. Lots of straight forward discussion and lots of repetition.

.