Please help with this thesis statement

[Hot Lava Mama]

Ds - 9th grade - is starting to work on his first research paper for history.  He has jotted down notes (per SWB information in WTM book) and determined he wants to write on the Roman empire.  Here is his thesis statement:

 

The Roman Empire was a superpower in its days.

 

What do you think?  It seems almost too broad.  Can you give any suggestions as to how to improve it?

Thanks!

Hot Lava Mama

[Jenny in Florida]

Ds - 9th grade - is starting to work on his first research paper for history.  He has jotted down notes (per SWB information in WTM book) and determined he wants to write on the Roman empire.  Here is his thesis statement:

 

The Roman Empire was a superpower in its days.

 

What do you think?  It seems almost too broad.  Can you give any suggestions as to how to improve it?

Thanks!

Hot Lava Mama

 

I do some tutoring online, and if I had a student come to me with that thesis statement, I would suggest adding some specifics. For example, how are you defining "superpower?" A thesis statement needs to do two things:

 

1. State an argument that can be proven.

2. Tell your readers briefly what points you will argue.

 

Your son's thesis statement is too general to accomplish the first thing. Without any criteria by which to measure, it's impossible to argue (meaningfully) whether Rome was a superpower.

 

And it doesn't have details to accomplish the latter.

 

"Ice cream is the best desert" isn't a great thesis, because it's not provable and doesn't tell readers what the essay is really going to say.

 

"Its cool, creamy sweetness and many options for flavors make ice cream an enduring favorite among deserts" is much better.

 

Does that help?

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Yes, this is very broad, especially as the Roman Empire can encompass many centuries. It doesn't give much to prove, because it is so broad and generally acknowledged. Two ways he might approach being more specific would be to pick a couple of focused aspects that prove his point, or to create a point/counterpoint arguement. The first idea, two focused aspects, (taken from thesis ideas in Windows to the World) might look like this: "Rome's rise from a small city to an ancient empire can be seen in the spread of Roman culture and achitecture throughout the Mediteranean and much of Europe, as well as in the strength and organization of its military." Then he can spend time discussing the evidence of Roman culture and architecture and then time discussing the military organization. The points he focuses on are up to him. Maybe Latin language and engineering are more to his liking. Or any number of points that demonstrates Rome's influence and power. The point/counterpoint method is something I got from They Say/I Say. This book suggests beginning with one stance and then arguing against it. This sort of thesis might run something like this: "While Gibbon argued that the late Roman Empire was in a state of decline, its military power and cultural influence demonstrate that it was still an force to contend with." THen he would spend the paper discussing the late empire's possible decline and refuting it with examples of power and lasting influence. Or he could start with a definition of superpower from the present and discuss how Rome meets and fails to meet that definition. He might use Russia and America of the Cold War as models for the definition. Any of these ideas would give him something more tangible to go about demonstrating.

[MM2]

I second Sebastian's thoughts, and I have a question: what is the assignment?  If the assignment is terribly broad, then it will be up to him to narrow down the topic to something focused enough that he can have a detailed and interesting thesis.  If the assignment is narrower, then a good thesis will respond in an interesting way to the prompt.

 

Example of overbroad assignment:  "Research one of the major world empires and write about it."  (:-))  A research paper cannot possibly do that -- a single BOOK can't even do that.  So narrow the focus to something that the student can actually learn about, and when you've done that, the thesis will fall out of the topic choice.  For example:  "The career of Rome's most  famous emperor, Julius Caesar, illustrates both the reasons for Rome's long military success and the sources of its coming decline."  Or "Rome's conquest and occupation of Gaul illustrates the long geographic reach of the empire and its lasting impact on language, economy, and culture in Western Europe."  These are STILL way broad topics by college standards but illustrate the point.

 

Example of echoing the prompt:  "How did geography give Rome economic and military advantages over neighboring city-states as the Roman Empire grew?"  In response to that prompt, you'd say, "Three features of the geography of central Italy and the specific site of the city of Rome gave the growing empire economic and military advantages over neighboring city-states:  [then list the three.]"

 

Hope this helps!

[EndOfOrdinary]

My husband always teaches a super formulaic thesis statement to his beginning ninety graders. It goes Opinion, Reason, Reason, Reason. Each reason becomes one paragraph, or a few concise paragraphs for longer papers, of the paper.

So he has his opinion: The a Roman Empire was a super power in its day. He just needs to add his reasons.

"The Roman Empire was a superpower in its day BECAUSE REASON, REASON, AND REASON."

He just needs to clarify the reasons he believes this to be true.

Fair warning: this is a very simplified way to write a thesis, but it always seems to work for the kids to gain confidence and get moving.