Perfect Paula daughter breaks down when she gets one thing wrong

[Guest kayd809]

Can anyone give me advice in regards to my Perfect Paula daughter? I'm new at homeschooling so learning how to handle things in the home classroom setting has been hard. My daughter has an all out break down when she makes just one mistake. If it's in the middle of a dictation sentence, she totally misses the last half of the first sentence. I don't know why or what to do. I try explaining it's okay to miss one; that you can't break down because you'll miss the next half. I took her out of school because of things I saw in the public school system. Her teacher would humiliate children in her class for making mistakes. I'm starting to wonder if she has a fear of being humiliated like her classmates even though, we're at home now =(

[Incognito]

I'd stop doing things that upset her for now, and find different ways to learn. Come back to sit down work when she's had a little time to "de-school".

 

Build her up. Model making mistakes and pointing out that you made them and it is okay. Cooking is an easy way to do that. Something often goes wrong for me. :)

[soufflegirl]

I was like that as a kid, only with piano. I had a perfectionist streak to begin with, and my mom was convinced that I was making careless mistakes during my lessons. I would work myself up into a fit. Once she backed off, things got much better. So it's definitely possible that your daughter is so used to seeing kids be humiliated for mistakes that she's convinced the same will happen to her. If she's been used to seeing that for months/years, it's going to take a while for her to get used to not associating mistakes with humiliation. The fact that you're aware that this is something that really is bothering her should be a huge help with that, though.

[Barbara H]

A few ideas...

 

I agree with backing off for a bit. Not grading work and less focus on right or wrong answers.

 

Role modeling - show you can make mistakes and that you accept it in yourself. It can be really helpful to model learning something new so she can see that process in action. Can you think of something you might learn that you've never done before?

 

Help her learn more about learning. Everyone who is good at anything makes a lot of a lot of mistakes to get there. Work together to set a new way of thinking about graded work. If she can get 100% of something right then there was really no point in doing it - the work was too easy. If she gets 100% wrong - it was clearly too hard. Allow her to grade her own work and then correct any mistakes. Focusing on mastery puts the focus where it should be in learning rather than focusing on getting everything perfect.

 

Working on alternatives she can choose when she's upset - jumping on a trampoline, running in place, taking a break for a drink of water, etc.

 

Don't back off everything. Best she keeps getting opportunities (sports, music lessons, baking, etc.) to keep trying new things and finding out that improvement comes with time and effort.

[Farrar]

We deal with this with my ds who has anxiety issues. It can be very tough.

 

Seconding some of the suggestions above and adding...

 

Physical activity can really help - trampolines, yoga, etc. It sounds like it's unconnected, but movement in between things can break the cycle, shake things up.

 

Deep breathing. Learn it when she's calm. Talk about all this stuff when she's calm.

 

Do build her up. Focus on praising her for her patience, her persistence, etc.

 

Back off corrections and grading. There has to be some, of course. You can't let a kid say 8x3=21 because it's not true and will lead to problems. But really focus on the things that matter the most. Focus on process, not product. As in, if she is doing a math problem, have her talk it through aloud and praise the method, even if she gets the calculation wrong. Or praise the handwriting even if the spelling is wrong. Highlight the bright spots and play down the dark ones.

 

Give her places to excel in her life in general. For my ds, this often means taking him rock climbing. It's a challenge, he does well, he gets a HUGE boost. But it could be anything - art, cooking, girl scouts, whatever - give her activities where she feels like a queen and then play it up, remind her of that confidence when she's feeling down.

 

See if going by time spent instead of finished work helps. Try setting timers and saying we'll just see what we get done in this time frame. Be proud of however much it is.

 

While it seems trite, repeat and have her repeat back things like, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again," and, "Mistakes are how we learn," and other things in that vein. Make mantras. Drill those thoughts into her head.

 

Begin everything with, "I expect you'll get at least a dozen of these wrong," or "Well, it will probably take you about ten hours of practice before you really get this..." If it takes less, she must be brilliant.

 

Really identify and get her to identify when her thinking goes off the rails. The moment you see her starting to think, "what if I get this wrong!" call her on it. Get her to call herself on it if you can. For my anxious ds, sometimes it helps if I give the whole thing a ridiculous trail and get him to as well - like, "What if I spell this wrong? And then I do badly on the dictation. And then I have to do it again. And then I don't have time to play Lego robotics. And then I never finish my robot. And then aliens invade and the robot isn't there to protect us and the earth blows up!" (This, btw, would not work with my other ds, who is not really that anxious but would then start worrying about aliens - all his fears are really absurd). Get her to fight it with logic too. What's really going to happen? Has she done well on other dictations?

 

And then, finally... Oy, this is the hardest part. At some point, you can't give it any more attention. This is where we are now a lot. I know it's anxiety, but it's like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Tell her you love her. Tell her she did brilliantly on the dictation that she was able to finish. Then. Walk away.

[Tracy]

Did you take some time off to deschool? If she was traumatized by school, she may need a little time off while pursuing educational interests in a fun way. You didn't indicate your dd's age or how long she was in school, both of which will affect how much time she needs.

 

Also, depending on her age, you can conduct your home school in such a way as to not mark things right and wrong. I do a lot of Socratic-type questioning with my kids. For example, if I see they forgot to carry the 1 in an addition problem, I will ask them what they need to do with the 1. I do this while they are working the problem, as opposed to after they have finished the page. This way, I bring things that they are doing wrong to their attention while eliminating the need for marking things wrong.

[Ravin]

Avoid discussing how she's done until the end of an assignment. Discuss over and over that she's not being judged, that the point isn't to do things perfectly the first time, but to learn, and mistakes are part of learning.

 

As others have said, build her up and treat very gently with mistakes. My DD is a perfectionist, too, and they're always harder on themselves than anyone else is.

[kitten18]

I agree with all the previous comments.

 

 

Can anyone give me advice in regards to my Perfect Paula daughter? I'm new at homeschooling so learning how to handle things in the home classroom setting has been hard. My daughter has an all out break down when she makes just one mistake. If it's in the middle of a dictation sentence, she totally misses the last half of the first sentence. I don't know why or what to do. I try explaining it's okay to miss one; that you can't break down because you'll miss the next half. I took her out of school because of things I saw in the public school system. Her teacher would humiliate children in her class for making mistakes. I'm starting to wonder if she has a fear of being humiliated like her classmates even though, we're at home now =(

 

How old is she?

 

 

With my DD (9) I am careful about selecting activities that don't highlight her mistakes. For example, we don't do the WWE dictation because she would not be able to spell many of the words and it would lead to a problem.

I've also chosen a spelling program (Apples and Pears) where she can have great success. We tried Sequential Spelling and I really like the way it teaches but having her "try" to spell the words and then immediately correcting her mistakes...let's just say that didn't go over well.