What do you do/say when you have other children besides you SN child?

[nitascool]

My oldest who has his own special needs (introverted, gifted and add) has been having a really hard time dealing with his younger 11yo Asperger brother of late. They are only 19 months apart, but the older they get the bigger the gap is between maturity and ability.

 

He complains about not having a "friend" brother because my second is... self absorbed, spacey and too eggheaded. Now he would never say these things to his brother... but it's his heart bleeding for a relationship that he may never have.

 

My second has been trying more to include his big brother in his life. Coming out of himself more and trying to do things with him. But they are so different. My oldest likes art. My Aspy likes history and science. The only thing they can both relate to is Minecraft. My oldest likes to play Mindcraft while my second likes to watch Mindcraft videos on YouTube. There has been some collaborations on that front which has keep the hurtfulness at bay for a while.

 

So there is the difference of interest and the difficulty in communication on both parts. And there is also that teen gloom hanging over my oldests head that is getting in the way as well. With my oldest I'm most concerned that he'll just give up. Any BTDT would be great.

 

Then I also have the other end of the sibling thing happening. My 8yo has been noticing for a couple years now how his big brother needs help in public places. How he is more emotionally mature at 8 then his big brother. That he is faster at writing and doing math and physical things. He sees the good stuff to but... more and more he is shadowing his big brother. And he asks questions. Why does big brother have to be the way he is? Why do I have to do x while big brother doesn't? etc. And I have no answers.

 

I guess my biggest question is how do you deal with the sibling dynamics with you normal or almost normal kids and you SN kids?

[MeaganS]

I can't help, but I'm curious myself, as we are going to be there in the next few years. Already my 2yo is at or above my 4yo socially. It is only a matter of time before she (and current baby) notice.

[Lecka]

I was raised very closely with my cousin who was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was about 20.

 

I was kept from doing some things to keep things "fair," my mom didn't want my aunt to be sad (truly more about my aunt than cousin) that I as doing things he could not, so I just wasn't allowed.

 

I was very resentful of this for several years, until he was diagnosed and I understood what was going on. Also I have realized that I should hold my aunt and mother responsible and not hold it against my cousin. And, of course compassion for them now.

 

So I am in a place of naming autism and explaining it to my older son.

 

My challenge right now is to not let it be an excuse for not expecting things from him he actually is capable. My kids have got a good sense of this sometimes, and I should listen to them.

 

For the sadness -- it is sad and it is a sad thing. Your kids are going to have sadness off and on at various times I think, as they have different milestones maybe their brother will not meet independently. I am sad even as an adult sometimes.

 

But I think even with that, there is a lot to be said for whatever relationship they do have. It sounds like they are sad but also want to be engaged. So -- I think you can talk about how he might be rigid (my cousin was rigid) but they can still have a relationship. If he happened to be able to contribute in some way that he is not, I would push that, too.

 

My son with autism is only 4 so I have not had this come up a lot with my own kids. I am just guessing based on knowing my cousin.

 

For you younger son though -- I would think he has got some advantages you can point out, though not in a guilt-inducing way. But I think you could explain why, and also have things he is able to do his brother may not. I think on one side, a sibling could be resentful, and on the other side, guilty. I have never felt guilty (sad but not guilty) but one of my sisters did feel guilty. I don't have any particular insight on guilt but I am just aware it is something my kids might think about it.

[srs]

My children are younger than yours, but we have framed things in terms of challenges, and we tell the kids "Everyone has challenges. Older DD, your body is extra floppy and that is a challenge, so you need a special chair. DS, you have allergies and you need to take your medicine in the fall and spring. I don't see well and have to wear glasses, and that is my challenge."

 

This is working okay for now, although to an adult they are obviously not the same level of challenge (DD has prenatal brain damage, and DS has seasonal allergies). And the reality is my 3yo son has eclipsed his 6yo sister in many activities of daily living, and I have to help her a lot more than I have to help him. But they don't really see it that way.